# Bush Vs. Kerry in a straight up fist fight: who wins? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 22, 2004, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314 "2004-07-22T05:41:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/1 "2004-07-22T05:41:59Z")
I’d have to say Kerry. He’s taller and he’s killed people before. That’s pretty intimidating. I think Bush is younger but I have to go with Kerry nonetheless. On the undercard, though, something tells me that Cheney would clean John Edwards’ clock. I know Cheney has the bad ticker but something about him just strikes me as tough and mean. Edwards looks like he’s never been in a fight before. ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/2 "2004-07-22T05:54:46Z")
I’d have to agree with you on both counts. Bush seems kind of wimpy and I think Kerry could take him no problem. Plus, Bush doesn’t seem to have very good balance (he falls of bikes and Segways) so Kerry could just tip him over and kick him a few times. Cheney seems like a bad mother forker though. Bad and mean. If he was caught in a bear trap he’d chew his leg off to free himself and then beat you over the head with it. I think once Cheney got into “mean ol’ bastard mode” (hunched over, face all pinched up, drooling, growling, shaking his fists) Edwards would poop himself and run away. ---
**Author:** ![LolaBaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@LolaBaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaBaby)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/3 "2004-07-22T06:51:45Z")
I say Kerry. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/4 "2004-07-22T07:09:05Z")
I wouldn’t underestimate Edwards in a VP brawl… I think he’s about a decade younger, and he was apparently a good athelete as a kid - what he lacked in raw physical ability he made up for with great instincts and judgment. ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/5 "2004-07-22T07:18:55Z")
Marley. Thats true but I think even the greatest fighter would turn and run when Cheney started growing horns, spewing vomit, and speaking in some weird old biblical sounding language. “Edwards! You’re mother sucks cock in hell!” _head spins around_ ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/6 "2004-07-22T07:21:26Z")
Something just seems more scary about Cheney. He looks like he wouldn’t be above chewing an ear off if he had to. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/7 "2004-07-22T07:27:38Z")
Ah, okay. If it’s Edwards vs. Cheney _and the Forces of Darkness_, yeah, Dicky has the edge. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/8 "2004-07-22T07:34:08Z")
uhhh… I gotta go with Ditka… ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/9 "2004-07-22T07:37:27Z")
Ah! But what if da name of da hurricane… is Hurricane _Ditka_? ---
**Author:** ![KidCharlemagne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ed8c4c/32.png) [@KidCharlemagne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KidCharlemagne)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/10 "2004-07-22T11:44:18Z")
Without knowing anything about their pasts where boxing, etc. is concerned, I’d have to go with Kerry. He’s bigger and did get some military training. And the reason you all fear Cheney is because he’d have a poison tipped needle in his hand during the fight. ---
**Author:** ![grimpixie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@grimpixie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grimpixie)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/11 "2004-07-22T11:48:22Z")
[Find out for yourself](http://www.miniclip.com/knockout.htm) 😃 Grim ---
**Author:** ![Spavined\_Gelding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@Spavined\_Gelding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spavined_Gelding)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/12 "2004-07-22T12:44:19Z")
I’d feel better about this if I weren’t convinced that Bush would knee Kerry in the groin and that Cheney best punch is a head but. We might get an early bell in the last round and a 5 to 4 referee’s decision like last time. ---
**Author:** ![TitoBenito](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2acd7d/32.png) [@TitoBenito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TitoBenito)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/13 "2004-07-22T14:26:12Z")
Edwards could beat Cheney easily by just running away. Cheney follows for about a quarter of mile and drops dead of a heart attack. Edwards stands over his body with his hands in the air and does a victory lap. ---
**Author:** ![BJMoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@BJMoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BJMoose)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/14 "2004-07-22T15:01:22Z")
Who wins if Bush and Kerry beat the shit out of each other? Why, the American people, of course! ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/15 "2004-07-22T15:52:49Z")
> [@Seven](#): > > I’d have to agree with you on both counts. Bush seems kind of wimpy and I think Kerry could take him no problem. Plus, Bush doesn’t seem to have very good balance (he falls of bikes and Segways) so Kerry could just tip him over and kick him a few times. Yeah, but the referee would just declare Bush the winner anyway… ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/16 "2004-07-22T16:06:53Z")
I have to go with Bush. See, before Kerry would fight he would try to get permission from the world boxing council, a body notoriously hostile to American boxers. While he was doing that Bush would Unilateraly attack him and beat the crap out of him, supported by a cheering section of eastern Europeans and his loyal British servant. ---
**Author:** ![DanBlather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/17 "2004-07-22T16:17:15Z")
> [@Spavined Gelding](#): > > I’d feel better about this if I weren’t convinced that Bush would knee Kerry in the groin and that Cheney best punch is a head but. We might get an early bell in the last round and a 5 to 4 referee’s decision like last time. 😃 I see Clarence Thomas with Don King hair. ---
**Author:** ![Live\_Better\_Electrically](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@Live\_Better\_Electrically](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Live_Better_Electrically)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/18 "2004-07-22T17:59:29Z")
Kerry, athletic and fit, towers over the doughy Bush, whose slow reaction time permits Kerry to successfully throw the same punch over and over again, saying “think fast!” each time. Bush, now lying on the ground, says, “I wish someone would of told me he was going to use that right hook.” Fox News reports a Bush win. ---
**Author:** ![Balle\_M](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/13edae/32.png) [@Balle\_M](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balle_M)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/19 "2004-07-22T18:07:12Z")
I call a draw. Yeah, Kerry has military experience but he takes himself out of the fight for even the tiniest of cuts. Bush on the other hand is easily distracted by anything shiny. On the veep side, Edwards is in much better shape from years of chasing ambulances but Cheney is just plain \ ***MEAN** \* . Plus, Halliburton has the concession contract. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/20 "2004-07-22T18:32:15Z")
It may be closer than you guys are giving Bush credit for. He’s a cocky little bantam rooster of a guy, and even asked Poppy Bush “I hear you’ve been looking for me…you want to go at it right here?” before he got on the wagon. Plus, he’s stupid enough (IMHO) to keep coming back for more even after he got the shit kicked out of him. You’d have to cut off his head in order to get him to give up the fight. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314.md?page=2)