# Bush Vs. Kerry in a straight up fist fight: who wins? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 22, 2004, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314 "2004-07-22T05:41:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/21 "2004-07-22T18:36:28Z")
They were talking about this on Tough Crowd the other night…I would have to give the fight to Bush, even though Kerry has killed people before in Vietnam it probably wasn’t a fist-fight or wrestling…Also Kerry is 6’4’’ 180 pounds that is pretty light for being that tall while Bush is 5’11’ and 195 pounds and actually does not seem to be in too bad shape. ---
**Author:** ![LordVor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90ced4/32.png) [@LordVor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LordVor)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/22 "2004-07-22T18:38:10Z")
Am I the only one who thinks that Cheney would run home to his “undisclosed location” the first time somebody actually punched him in the nose? He just seems like an awful lot of talk with no intention of actually risking personal harm. That said: Batman, even if he wasn’t prepared. -lv ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/23 "2004-07-22T18:39:24Z")
I think that Kerry would win a Texas cage match, but in a regular ring Karl Rove would hit him in the back of the head with a folding chair while Cheney distracted the referee. As for Cheney v Edwards, don’t forget that Cheney would be able to do that thing where he chokes Edwards without ever getting near him, a trick he learned from Darth Sidious when he first went over to the darkside. Of course after Edwards gets his hand cut off and then replaced he’d be about to lose when Cheney would admit that’s he’s John’s father, then throw the Emperor down into the heart of the ship. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/24 "2004-07-22T18:44:04Z")
Kerry doesn’t seem to be in bad shape but Bush is reported to be maybe the most physically fit President ever. He has a very low resting heartrate and a lot of stamina. Bush in a decision. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/25 "2004-07-22T18:56:13Z")
Kerry: Kills enemy Vietnamese soldiers without hesitation. Bush: Squawks to Poppy Bush so he won’t get sent to Vietnam. Kerry in 20 seconds of the first round, easily. Bush folds like a pup tent in a hurricane. Though, as others have noted, the referee will give the fight to Bush anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/26 "2004-07-22T20:50:50Z")
**Bush by unanymous decision:** Kerry’s too tall relative to GWB. Trained killer maybe, but with plain fisticuffs from above all he’d be able to hit with any force would be POTUS’ head. Kerry would be the worse for wear in that scenario. Meanwhile POTUS moves in whith his shorter reach and destroys Kerry’s nethers. A wiry mo fo in his own right, Kerry would internalize & channel the pain and fail to hit the canvas. But the judges would give the fight to Bush via electronic voting devices. **Both VPs would lose.** Cheney would do his ugly face, edwards would die on the spot but not without making a fatally comical face in the process. Dick dies laughing. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/27 "2004-07-22T23:16:43Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > Kerry doesn’t seem to be in bad shape but Bush is reported to be maybe the most physically fit President ever. He has a very low resting heartrate and a lot of stamina. Bush in a decision. That raises an interesting question: What about all past presidents? If it was a single elimination tournament, Kerry, W, and every former president, at the age and condition when they were serving, there is one clear winner: Teddy Roosevelt. He could take W and Kerry together, with or without his big stick. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/28 "2004-07-22T23:23:54Z")
Interesting. I agree that Teddy would have to be seeded near the top (with FDR at the bottom for obvious reasons) but Abe Lincoln might give him a pretty good fight. Lincoln was not only tall and sinewy he was pretty fair country wrestler in his day. Ike was no pussy either. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/29 "2004-07-22T23:51:55Z")
Hmm. I agree that Teddy was a _tough_ SOB, but my first thought was Andrew Jackson. He reportedly got into fights for fun in his earlier days. ---
**Author:** ![START](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@START](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/START)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2004, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/30 "2004-07-22T23:55:43Z")
That would be a close fight but why not make it a tag team match…If Bush went against Edwards then Bush would probably win. Bush and Kerry is waaay to close to call just like the election will probably be. ---
**Author:** ![aeropl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f05b48/32.png) [@aeropl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aeropl)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2004, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/31 "2004-07-23T01:11:33Z")
Bush starts the fight with some pre-emptive action. Kerry can’t make up his mind about whether to fight back or not. Cheney responds to the whole thing by selling hot dogs for $10 in the stands and making a killing. John Edwards sues him for price discrimination and related emotional damages. We don’t know who the winner is, but according to [Googlefight](http://www.googlefight.com) it’s Bush. ---
**Author:** ![Pablito](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ed655f/32.png) [@Pablito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pablito)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2004, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/32 "2004-07-23T01:17:04Z")
re: the OP–Kerry would crush Bush easily. They’re both in very good physical shape, but Kerry has several inches reach on him and in boxing that’s often in insurmountable advantage. Plus, as has been pointed out by many, Kerry is a war vet and has a real toughness about him. Bush, on the other hand, pseudo served in the guard in order to stay out of harm’s way. Come to think of it, he read to the kindergardeners for 7 minutes before he could steel himself to react to 9/11. And his silver-spoon heritage, coasting into politics and the presidency on his father’s coattails hardly speaks well for his scrappyness or inner strength. (of course, Kerry’s background hardly speaks of poverty, but he has apparently earned his positions based on his own actions and strengths). So I say Kerry wins in the first round. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2004, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/33 "2004-07-23T01:31:39Z")
> [@plnnr](#): > > It may be closer than you guys are giving Bush credit for. … You’d have to cut off his head in order to get him to give up the fight. _And_ put a lemon wedge in his mouth, bury him at a crossroads, and scatter seeds on his grave. ---
**Author:** ![Unregistered\_Bull](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3da27b/32.png) [@Unregistered\_Bull](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unregistered_Bull)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2004, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/34 "2004-07-23T01:52:00Z")
A real fight and not a boxing match. Bush and Kerry would be close. Kerry has alot of reach and height and seems wiry. But Bush wouldn’t know when to give up and is supposed to be in great shape. Bush would probably fight dirty too plus he’s meaner. Lincoln or Jackson would have kicked Teddy’s ass. ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2004, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/35 "2004-07-23T02:06:36Z")
I think you underrate Edwards. He seems like a sincerely nice guy, so Cheney might be able to take him with dirty tricks. But Edwards _was_ a highly successful trial lawyer for years. That suggests an ability to think quickly on his feet and a real ability to go for the win. Cheney hasn’t been hungry in years. He (Cheney) might call an airstrike, of course. But Edwards would probably take him out before they figured out where he was. ---
**Author:** ![Carnac\_the\_Magnificent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Carnac\_the\_Magnificent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carnac_the_Magnificent)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2004, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/36 "2004-07-23T02:28:28Z")
> [@Machetero](#): > > A real fight and not a boxing match. Bush and Kerry would be close. Kerry has alot of reach and height and seems wiry. But Bush wouldn’t know when to give up and is supposed to be in great shape. Bush would probably fight dirty too plus he’s meaner. > > Lincoln or Jackson would have kicked Teddy’s ass. Geo. Washington would have kicked Abe Lincoln’s butt. Taft would have nabbed top honors in the sumo division. Grover Cleveland? Kickboxer extraordinaire. ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2004, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/37 "2004-07-23T02:31:28Z")
I recall back in 2000 when Bush and Gore were debating, it was one of those “town hall” debates where they sat on stools and took questions from the audience. Bush was answering a question and was saying something that Gore obviously disagreed with. Gore jumped up off his stool and started hulking over towards Bush, and I remember for just a brief moment there was genuine fear in Bush’s eyes, like he fully expected Gore to start beating the shit out of him right there on the stage. It passed immediately but I will never forget it. And based on that, I think I’d have to go with Kerry. Bush talks tough but deep down inside I think he’s just a scared little girly man. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2004, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/38 "2004-07-23T02:31:31Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > but Abe Lincoln might give him a pretty good fight. Lincoln was not only tall and sinewy he was pretty fair country wrestler in his day. Good point. How about Abe Vs Kerry in that case? ---
**Author:** ![Unregistered\_Bull](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3da27b/32.png) [@Unregistered\_Bull](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unregistered_Bull)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2004, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/39 "2004-07-23T02:48:54Z")
Middle 19th Century lean, wiry, and tough trumps about any 21st century politician. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2004, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314/40 "2004-07-23T02:52:50Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > Good point. How about Abe Vs Kerry in that case? That’s a tough one. I think in a free swinging fight, maybe Kerry, but if the fight ends up on the ground, Abe’s got the wrestling experience. Lincoln came up the hard way too, so he’d be tough as nails to boot. I’d have to give the edge to Honest Abe but he’s have to be careful. Kerry might catch him with his hands down and take him out with a good roundhouse. Of course, we don’t know what kinds of jaws these guys have. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bush-vs-kerry-in-a-straight-up-fist-fight-who-wins/256314.md?page=3)