# Business Ideas Certain to Fail **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2011, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802 "2011-12-11T04:33:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/1 "2011-12-11T04:33:14Z")
The Goal: List as many business ideas you can think of that would be certain to fail. Think of a name and a short description or catchphrase! **Skydiving with Dolphins** - When swimming with dolphins has lost its excitement. **The Money Incinerators** - We’ll burn your money when you’ve got money to burn. **Cold Cuts Jewelry** - Sliced turkey necklaces, ham earrings, and pendants made of steak. **Sniff Our Poop** - Stop and smell the feces at Sniff Our Poop, today! ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/2 "2011-12-11T04:42:06Z")
**Play It Again Tampons** - reduce, reuse, recycle! **Beatings 'R Us** - “I wanna be a well-behaved kid!” **Colic Memories, Inc.** Let us record your newborn infant’s incessant screams for you to enjoy for years to come! ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/3 "2011-12-11T04:52:43Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > **Play It Again Tampons** - reduce, reuse, recycle! > > **Beatings 'R Us** - “I wanna be a well-behaved kid!” > > **Colic Memories, Inc.** Let us record your newborn infant’s incessant screams for you to enjoy for years to come! Alice these were incredible 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/4 "2011-12-11T04:57:11Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > Alice these were incredible 😃 😃 ---
**Author:** ![JoseB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/joseb/32/1530_2.png) [@JoseB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoseB)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/5 "2011-12-11T23:07:18Z")
**Escargoghurt** - Combining two of the most popular foods in the world: Escargot and Yoghurt! ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/6 "2011-12-11T23:54:21Z")
DIY is very popular with men. We like to create the things we use, even with comestibles. For example, I love beer. I like drinking it, and I also like brewing it. I am not alone in this, as home brewing kits sell quite well. There are many businesses that trade in mail order brewing supplies such as yeast, malt, hops and everything men need to make your own tasty refreshment after a long day of work. Their is a certain pride in quaffing a delicious potable that you made yourself as the sun goes down. But what about the start of the day? Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you… DIY bacon. For a small monthly fee, we will mail order dead pigs to our customers. Our clients will take satisfying pride in knowing that they made their own delicious breakfast. We will call the company **Eat Me!** and we will license the image of Miss Piggy from the Jim Henson Company for use in a series of advertisements with a sexual theme. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/7 "2011-12-12T00:28:08Z")
On the DIY angle, I’ve always been fond of the DIY Home Vasectomy Kit. A razor blade, some thread, and a fifth of jack. ---
**Author:** ![fachverwirrt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/94ad74/32.png) [@fachverwirrt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fachverwirrt)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/8 "2011-12-12T00:29:21Z")
**The Kosher Krabshack** - Leviticus who? ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/9 "2011-12-12T00:29:49Z")
**Home Despot,** for all your dictating needs. Hate Symbols and Propaganda: Aisle 4. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/10 "2011-12-12T00:39:17Z")
Shotgun bowling\* \*Homer J Simpson ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/11 "2011-12-12T00:52:54Z")
Felix Unger once suggested brocolli-flavored bubble gum with opera star trading cards. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/12 "2011-12-12T16:11:11Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you… DIY bacon. > > For a small monthly fee, we will mail order dead pigs to our customers. Our clients will take satisfying pride in knowing that they made their own delicious breakfast. We will call the company **Eat Me!** and we will license the image of Miss Piggy from the Jim Henson Company for use in a series of advertisements with a sexual theme. I guarantee you there is a market for this. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/13 "2011-12-12T16:16:59Z")
Tom Waits once claimed to have opened an eatery featuring recycled cuisine. It did not go well. > [@](#): > > Well anyhow, to make a long story short, I threw in with these Italian guys in Montebello. Well, they talked me into opening up a used-food restaurant, and hell you know, you got used cars, used clothes, used furniture, why not used food, well? For the less fortunate people who don’t get out much, you know what I mean. > > Anyhow, on opening night this one-armed bass-player goes berserk right in front of the goddam place. With search lights and all, well that attracted the authorities over there.. eh-he… They were tipped off, you see. I always maintained that it was a real inside job, and they discovered it was a front for a prosthetics supermarket and a pet hospital. Anyhow… I was at a loss for words, and I was sent to two years in prison, but they suspended the sentence, and had me listen to a band called Mondray for six months and no parole. ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/14 "2011-12-12T17:35:57Z")
Good ideas. Here are my contributions: -“Cookit Yerself” Restaurant (we supply the food, kitchen, and a foul-mouthed english chef, who will yell at you as you attempt to cook your food) -Combination “Temp Storage and Mausoleum”-store your excess household goods AND Grandpap! - “The Foreign Language Immersion Institude”-you get to stay in a household of illegal aliens -a “Pet Leasing” business-want a mini poodle for a day, a week, a year? Lease one from us! -“Exotic Boring Vacations”: screw going to Tahiti, Hawaii, Europe! WE offer exceeding boring vacations-where time slows to a crawl! Now booking trips to Worcester MA, Casper Wyoming, and other dead locations. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/15 "2011-12-12T17:38:10Z")
**Guns for Amputees:** No arm, no leg, no problem! You bring the gun and we’ll attach it! \*\* The Angry Chimp Plastic Surgeon:\*\* For touch ups or a full facelift, we’ll do it in 10 minutes or less! \*\* Chinese Food Bank:\*\* Donating Chinese food to the hungry. Then again an hour later. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/16 "2011-12-12T17:46:28Z")
**Tuna@home** : Mail order tuna fish sandwiches. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/17 "2011-12-12T18:11:37Z")
You know - our modern world has lost track of an important aspect of life that was prevalent in previous centuries, think of chamber pots being tossed into the streets, horses and carriages, open sewers, people bathing once a week (if at all) and wearing only one outfit - ever, markets with meat hanging in the sun, livestock roaming free…we bring you: **Historical Odor Tourism** - Tour famous cities and smell the smells of yesteryear! ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/18 "2011-12-12T18:32:34Z")
> [@](#): > > I guarantee you there is a market for this [DIY bacon]. In fact, there are a number of businesses around here that do this. > [@](#): > > -“Cookit Yerself” Restaurant (we supply the food, kitchen, and a foul-mouthed english chef, who will yell at you as you attempt to cook your food) I’ve seen this, too (minus the foul-mouthed English chef), though I don’t know how successful it’s been. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/19 "2011-12-12T18:42:31Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > You know - our modern world has lost track of an important aspect of life that was prevalent in previous centuries, think of chamber pots being tossed into the streets, horses and carriages, open sewers, people bathing once a week (if at all) and wearing only one outfit - ever, markets with meat hanging in the sun, livestock roaming free…we bring you: > > **Historical Odor Tourism** - Tour famous cities and smell the smells of yesteryear! I attended a meeting that had one of the actors from Scarborough Faire as a guest. She said that one of the bosses said that their goal was to recreate the \ century life in sight and sound, but not smell. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802/20 "2011-12-12T19:31:47Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > I attended a meeting that had one of the actors from Scarborough Faire as a guest. She said that one of the bosses said that their goal was to recreate the \ century life in sight and sound, but not smell. Aw, c’mon, they’re missing out on one of the best parts of the past! That, and infant mortality… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/business-ideas-certain-to-fail/605802.md?page=2)