# But NOOOOOOO!!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 28, 2003, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354 "2003-07-28T02:17:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![cajela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cajela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cajela)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/21 "2003-07-28T07:04:12Z")
Any James Bond movie: The villain finds a copy of the evil overlord manual [http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html](http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html) and shoots James instead of setting up an elaorate Death Machine. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/22 "2003-07-28T07:11:20Z")
_Godzilla_ (Sony remake): The overgrown iguana chomps down the taxi containing our “heroes”, then gets blasted with a military nuke. It then mutates into the **real** Godzilla (the Toho classic), then destroys the ntire world in a massive fit for being stuck in such a lame-ass movie to begin with. ---
**Author:** ![hebesphenomegacorona](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b9e5f3/32.png) [@hebesphenomegacorona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hebesphenomegacorona)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/23 "2003-07-28T13:59:47Z")
Attack of the clones: when Anakin marries Princess amidala, an alien from alien bursts out of her, claiming to be what he just married. Would be somewhat funny, though. ---
**Author:** ![hebesphenomegacorona](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b9e5f3/32.png) [@hebesphenomegacorona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hebesphenomegacorona)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/24 "2003-07-28T14:06:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Monstre \* > \*\*_Harry Potter and the…_ > > _Sorcerer’s Stone_: Voldemort gets the stone, Quirrel becomes a face on the back of **his** head. Harry is powerless to stop it. Draco Malfoy gets points for tattling, and Slytherin wins house cup. > > _Chamber of Secrets_: The basilisk eats Ginny and Dumbledore. Gilderoy Lockhart becomes headmaster of Hogwarts. Young Tom Riddle becomes substantial again and goes to battle it out with the real Voldemort for the chief Evil Overload position. Harry is powerless to stop it. > > _Prisoner of Azkaban_: The dementors suck out the souls of Sirius Black, Cornelius Fudge, and Gilderoy Lockhart. A dementor becomes headmaster of Hogwarts. R.J. Lupin eats Neville Longbottom. Harry is powerless to stop it. > > _Goblet of Fire_: Lucius Malfoy becomes headmaster of Hogwarts. Harry gets Hermione pregnant. Voldemort, having killed his younger counterpart, gets bored and tortures Peter Pettigrew for shits and giggles. Victor Krum wins the Triwizard tournament and takes the veela chick as his prize. > > (not doing HP5, as I haven’t read it, yet…) \*\* Actually, those would make rather interesting novels to read… ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/25 "2003-07-28T14:18:57Z")
_ **Grease** _: Danny ends up with Rizzo. Sandy with Kenickie, down under. Doody, Sonny and Putzie start the first Le Bare. Frenchie, Marty and Jan become an eternal threesome. Somewhere in all this madness is Frankie Avalon in ALL black. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/26 "2003-07-28T14:43:06Z")
Citizen Kane Reporter: Hey! Look at this sled! It has Rosebud written on it. Kane must have been thinking about his lost childhood at his death. It makes sense now that he was holding a cheap snowglobe. Gee, I guess for all the great things money can buy it can’t buy happiness. (trombone sound wra wraaa wraaaaaaaa) ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/27 "2003-07-28T17:00:21Z")
**Contact** : Jodie Foster’s original research facility gets shut down by the attention-mongering self-aggrandizing astronomer; she sees it happening but isn’t able to do anything to thwart him. She pursues her research anyway after significant delay and gets in touch with ET but no one will take her seriously, and when they do the government rips the project out of her hands and continues to not take her seriously. They have a contest to determine who will go out and meet ET and beforementioned attention-mongering astronomer beats her out using underhanded tactics. Foster is able to do nothing about it but gets adopted by a shady 3rd-party guy with an agenda of his own who manipulates things (including her). Original “let’s go meet ET” project goes down in flames and shady guy finances second attempt, sending Our Heroine. Jodie Foster meets ET but comes back and no one believes it took places and thinks she’s lying. She can’t come up with a single strategy for what she can do about this… Hey, _wait_ a minute… ---
**Author:** ![ErinPuff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dbc845/32.png) [@ErinPuff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ErinPuff)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/28 "2003-07-28T17:59:10Z")
Les Misérables: Valjean drags Javert out of the river and they live happily ever after together. _gags_ ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/29 "2003-07-28T18:24:01Z")
**Anna Karenina** : Anna pushes her husband and Vronski under the train, and strolls back into town, whistling to herself. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/30 "2003-07-28T18:26:51Z")
**Sunset Blvd** Paramount agrees to make Norma’s film and it revives her career. ---
**Author:** ![shy\_guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a6a055/32.png) [@shy\_guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shy_guy)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/31 "2003-07-28T21:49:58Z")
> [@](#): > > Actually, those would make rather interesting novels to read… Seriously. Now I want to read these Bizarro Harry Potter novels. ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/32 "2003-07-28T22:06:45Z")
_Ladyhawke_: Due to a horrible miscalculation, the eclipse is tomorrow. Isabeau, still in hawk form, flies into the cathedral. The Bishop orders the guards to kill Etienne and Phillipe and excommunicates Father Imperius. _Bambi_: A burning branch gets tangled in Bambi’s antlers. Venison, anyone? _Anne of Green Gables_: Anne drowns in Barry’s Pond while the girls are playing Idylls of the King. Gilbert Blythe sees her drown but, due to a leak in his own boat, can’t reach her in time to save her. He becomes a haunted man, eventually drinking himself to death in the attic of his family’s house. Diana, Jane, and Ruby are sent to distant relatives where they eventually grow up and marry but are never able to forget that they caused Anne’s death. Matthew and Marilla die of loneliness. _The Dictionary_: aard·vark Pronunciation: 'ärd-"värk Function: noun a large burrowing nocturnal ungulate mammal (Orycteropus afer) of sub-Saharan Africa that has a long snout, extensile tongue, powerful claws, large ears, and heavy tail and feeds especially on termites and ants ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/33 "2003-07-28T22:52:38Z")
_The Hobbit_ - Bard’s arrow misses Smaug, and after the dragon incinerates the lake town, he flies back to the Lonely Mountain and makes Dwarf-Kebobs. Bilbo escapes, only to be captured by Gollum, who takes back the ring and makes Bilbo wear dresses and dance little Hobbit Jigs for his amusement. _Star Wars_ - After her rescue, Leia rewards Luke, Lewinsky style. They get it on again at the rebel base, and Han takes pics of their roll in the hay and posts them on the internet. A distracted Luke misses his shot in the Death Star trench, and the rebel base is soon destroyed. The survivors flee to Hoth. _Empire Strikes Back_ - Leia has a threesome with Han and Chewie after their escape from the imperial fleet. Luke feels momentarily queasy when he learns Leia is his sister but then warms up to the idea. Cloud City is completely destroyed by the imperial forces, and Luke gives Daddy a hug, but then still escapes because he can’t get Leia out of his head. _Return of the Jedi_ - Jabba gives it to Leia, slug style. Luke turns to the dark side and helps Vader destroy the rebel fleet. The ewoks are rounded up, killed, stuffed, and sold as collectibles. C3PO is jettisoned into the nearest star because he just won’t shut up. Luke brings Leia back home to be his imperial concubine, and he hangs the frozen Han Solo over his mantle. ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/34 "2003-07-28T23:18:13Z")
**Little Women** - Father March did not go to war, but instead joined the California Gold Rush (a little late). Despondent, Marmie turns the home into a bordello. Beth dies of syphillis - Jo announces that she’s a lesbian - Amy finds she has a flair for bondage - and Meg gives birth to Laurie’s bastard, who is the sole recipient of the Lawrence fortune. Upon hearing this, Father March comes home to meet his “beloved” grandchild (and take over the fortune), Marmie shoots him dead at the front gate. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/35 "2003-07-28T23:31:59Z")
To hell with Harry Potter, I want to see the version of _Saving Private Ryan_ where Matt Damon is blown into bloody giblets at the end. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/36 "2003-07-28T23:41:13Z")
Actually, after having seen **Terminator 3,** I nominate it for this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/37 "2003-07-28T23:43:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Monstre \* > \*\*(not doing HP5, as I haven’t read it, yet…) \*\* Dolores Umbridge becomes obsessed with Lucius Malfoy and stalks him. Hagrid gets beaten to death by giants. The centaurs invade the school, killing both Lucius Malfoy and Umbridge. Filch becomes Headmaster and institutes decapitation for violation of school rules. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are killed in the battle at the Ministry of Magic. The next book stars Luna Lovegood. ---
**Author:** ![Spurious\_George](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/94ad74/32.png) [@Spurious\_George](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spurious_George)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2003, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/38 "2003-07-29T00:19:28Z")
\*\*Ferris’ \*\* ending: > [@](#): > > Babe: > > The pig is killed and eaten. …also works nicely for _Charlotte’s Web._ ---
**Author:** ![Wolfian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7ea924/32.png) [@Wolfian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfian)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2003, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/39 "2003-07-29T01:19:51Z")
The Bible: Over the battle of Armageddon the Death Star appears. Bye-bye deities. Sybil: Dr. Wilbur slices Sybil’s face off and covering herself with the flesh exclaiming “Silence of the lambs!” > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jr8 \* > \*\*Dolores Umbridge becomes obsessed with Lucius Malfoy and stalks him. Hagrid gets beaten to death by giants. The centaurs invade the school, killing both Lucius Malfoy and Umbridge. Filch becomes Headmaster and institutes decapitation for violation of school rules. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are killed in the battle at the Ministry of Magic. The next book stars Luna Lovegood. \*\* I approve only if Tonks accidently slips into a giant time jar and regresses to a 16 year old. She, Luna, and Ginny become Dumbledore’s Angels. Dumbledore from a floo flame: Good evening, Angels. The Girls: Good evening, Dumby. ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2003, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354/40 "2003-07-29T02:16:27Z")
**Moonlighting** David and Maddy get married and have 9 kids in 8 years. Maddy becomes a soccer mom and has no time for things like hair styling and fashion designer labels, while David becomes the perfect mini-van driving committed husband, and never even _looks_ at another woman. Oh yes, and he shaves every day. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/but-nooooooo/191354.md?page=3)