# Butt-wiping: What is the proper technique for hairy guys? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [January 17, 2004, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957 "2004-01-17T17:43:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/21 "2016-05-22T20:42:07Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > I opened this thread just so I could mention a bidet. > > But I see I already did. **Twelve years ago!!!**. đŸŽ” \*Ah, bidets are here again!\*đŸŽ” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/22 "2016-05-22T21:16:37Z")
:eek: Where’s that _Men in Black_ memory-flash thing when you need it? ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/23 "2016-05-22T21:20:13Z")
Apparently, even zombies have hairy asses. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/24 "2016-05-22T22:54:16Z")
You need a rabbit. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/25 "2016-05-22T23:38:07Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > đŸŽ” \*Ah, bidets are here again!\*đŸŽ” 😃 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/26 "2016-05-23T14:12:41Z")
Oh _well_ played, **cochrane**. 😉 > [@TriPolar](#): > > You need a rabbit. I don’t EVEN want to know. I am trying very hard to avoid speculating. Better never open this thread again, just to be sure. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/27 "2016-05-23T14:19:51Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > I don’t EVEN want to know. I am trying very hard to avoid speculating. Better never open this thread again, just to be sure. So a bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”. The rabbit answers indignantly “No!”. So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/28 "2016-05-23T17:14:37Z")
One of my cats has long hair. She solves the problem with a ride on the living room carpet. ---
**Author:** ![spifflog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@spifflog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spifflog)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/29 "2016-05-23T20:39:28Z")
Stop eating a taco bell and eat something healthy for the love of God. If you need a pressure washer for your ass, you have diet issues, not scrubbing issues. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/30 "2016-05-23T20:51:06Z")
Need answer fast? Seriously, get a bidet. Hear the voice of elder wisdom: Some time in your life, perhaps only once, you’ll need one, and you’ll be glad you made the investment. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Duality](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.duality/32/4098_2.png) [@Mr.Duality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Duality)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2016, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/31 "2016-05-24T13:14:15Z")
Consume enough opiates to cause moderate constipation. Your poop will then be firm ovoids which leave little if any residue. ---
**Author:** ![TSBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/77aa72/32.png) [@TSBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TSBG)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2016, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/32 "2016-05-24T14:53:53Z")
I don’t think anyone’s mentioned this, but softer toilet papers are worse–they come apart, form numerous dingleberries, and get shit on your hand. A slightly sturdier tissue is better–I like the Costco store brand (Kirkland). ---
**Author:** ![TSBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/77aa72/32.png) [@TSBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TSBG)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2016, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/33 "2016-05-24T14:55:20Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > So a bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”. The rabbit answers indignantly “No!”. So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him. This joke never made sense to me. The twist is funny, but if the shit doesn’t stick the rabbit’s fur, it won’t be transferred off the bear to the rabbit. ---
**Author:** ![GaryM](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garym/32/241_2.png) [@GaryM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GaryM)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2016, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/34 "2016-05-24T15:00:05Z")
You’re putting too much thought into it. Perhaps as you say shit doesn’t stick, but on the other hand, perhaps it does stick but the rabbit doesn’t consider it a problem. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2016, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/35 "2016-05-24T19:14:24Z")
Trimmer with a #1 or #2 shield so you don’t grab flesh. No bidets, they only create a more labor-intensive mess to attempt to clean. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2016, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/36 "2016-05-24T19:37:46Z")
> [@spifflog](#): > > If you need a pressure washer for your ass, you have diet issues, not scrubbing issues. Normal bowel movements run from the loose to the quite hard, or scybalous. There is no one correct texture. Stool texture must be judged in context with frequency, ease of passage, and various other possible co-morbidities such as Inflammatory Bowel Disease, Celiac disease, diverticultosis/itis, hemorrhoids, fissures, fistulae, etc. Don’t be prejudiced, don’t automatically fear stools which don’t look exactly like yours. Wouldn’t be a dull world if all feces were the same? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2016, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/37 "2016-05-24T21:59:51Z")
> [@GaryM](#): > > You’re putting too much thought into it. Or not enough? It seems pretty clear that the rabbit thinks he’s being asked the question _“Does your shit tend to stick to your fur when you poop?”_, but the bear responds as though he had answered the question _“Do you object to having (somebody’s) shit sticking to your fur?”_. (Yes, I opened the thread again. I am just as sorry as I thought I would be.) ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2016, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/38 "2016-05-24T22:24:52Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > (Yes, I opened the thread again. I am just as sorry as I thought I would be.) I knew you’d be back. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2016, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/39 "2016-05-24T22:55:00Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > I knew you’d be back. It’s a fatal dependency. (That was a pretty good joke, though.) ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2016, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957/40 "2016-05-24T23:04:55Z")
Adopt “pretty girl protocol” and just don’t poop. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping-what-is-the-proper-technique-for-hairy-guys/224957.md?page=3)