# Butt Wiping **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 23, 2009, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118 "2009-04-23T17:26:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![USCDiver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uscdiver/32/354_2.png) [@USCDiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/USCDiver)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/21 "2009-04-23T20:22:10Z")
> [@somepumpkin](#): > > Spanish Moss is quite effective here in the southeast US. :eek: Chiggers! ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/22 "2009-04-23T20:22:58Z")
> [@USCDiver](#): > > :eek: Chiggers! I was JUST going to make the same comment! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/23 "2009-04-23T20:23:14Z")
> [@Uncommon\_Sense](#): > > How would you have gotten snowballs? By dragging your ass across the snowy ground? Maybe he is a short legged nudist living in Alaska. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/24 "2009-04-23T20:25:00Z")
> [@Hal\_Briston](#): > > I was once on a canoe trip with a buddy of mine. About an hour in, he lets out an _“Uh oh…we gotta get to shore”_. > > “Whaddayamean ‘shore’?” I asked him. “We’re in the middle of a fricking swamp. The only thing shore-like anywhere near here is nothing but mud and reeds. Why, what’s up?” > > _“I gotta take a dump. Now. Like, --right now and no foolin’–”_ > > “Well, I hope you’re ok with crapping in a mud pit and wiping your ass with cattails, because the nearest gas station is a long fricking way off.” > > _“No waiting for this one. Gimme your shirt.”_ he said, hopping onto a muddy bank. > > “My shirt? What the hell do you need my shiOH HELL NO! Use your own damn shirt!” > > _“C’mon man! All I have is my sweatshirt! You’re wearing a t-shirt and a flannel.”_ > > “That’s because we’re _canoeing_! I dress in layers, because you never know how hot or cold you’re going to be. I’m already fricking freezing, so no way are you getting my flannel!” > > _“C’mon! There’s nothing else I can use out here!”_ > > “I was joking before, but what the hell – use some cattails. Hell, squat in the water and scrub. How about you see how messy it is first and figure something from there?” > > \*"No way! I ain’t scrubbing my ass with my hand… > > … > > Five bucks."\* > > “Huh?” > > _“I’ll give you five bucks for the shirt.”_ > > “Are you fricking kidding me? First off, the shirt costs more than five bucks. Second off, I’m already cold! You want me to keep going in just a t-shirt?! Hell man, gimme the five bucks, and then we can _trade_ shirts. Then you can do whatever the hell you want with the flannel.” > > _“Aaaaaah! I’ve gotta fuckin’ go! Fine! Twenty bucks for your damn flannel!”_ > > "… > > Sold." > And that’s the story of how I made a guy I really didn’t like very much give me 20 bucks for a seven dollar flannel. I am laughing uncontrollably at this. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/25 "2009-04-23T20:30:21Z")
My neighbor was canoeing once and somehow a bee got down into her shorts and stung her by her bunghole. She is not a small woman and stands up in the canoe, drops trou and her whitey tighties, bends over spreading her cheeks to her husband ( who thinks she has suddenly lost her mind with the sudden onset of screaming and turrets like spasms.) screaming at him, " _Do you see the stinger!!! Pull it out!!!1!!! Pull out the STINGER!!!"_ AT this moment they were floating by a canoe group of girl scouts. I’ve never heard the rest of the story because of laughing so hard. ---
**Author:** ![Jake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jake)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/26 "2009-04-23T20:31:14Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Gives “keep the change” a whole new meaning. Well, if you used a quarter sideways, you could scrape…, well you know what I mean. Maybe a dime for some folks. (Tight you know). ---
**Author:** ![Jake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jake)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/27 "2009-04-23T20:36:39Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > My neighbor was canoeing once and somehow a bee got down into her shorts and stung her by her bunghole. > > She is not a small woman and stands up in the canoe, drops trou and her whitey tighties, bends over spreading her cheeks to her husband ( who thinks she has suddenly lost her mind with the sudden onset of screaming and turrets like spasms.) screaming at him, " _Do you see the stinger!!! Pull it out!!!1!!! Pull out the STINGER!!!"_ > > AT this moment they were floating by a canoe group of girl scouts. > I’ve never heard the rest of the story because of laughing so hard. Precious!! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Hyperelastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Hyperelastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hyperelastic)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/28 "2009-04-23T23:47:33Z")
I heard this from a friend. He was with his Boy Scout troop helping clean up a cabin to earn a merit badge or something. One kid suddenly had to take a dump, but there was no plumbing. He found a bucket and crapped in it, and quickly realized he had nothing to wipe with. But there was an old pink blanket on the floor that seemed to do the trick… Turned out to be fiberglass insulation. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/29 "2009-04-24T00:08:27Z")
I’ve done the “left hand and a plastic teapot” thing countless times. Indeed, in areas where that is the custom I’d take the teapot in with me even if I had paper, since I didn’t want everyone to look at me like a freak. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/30 "2009-04-24T00:25:50Z")
I’ve never heard of sand! But sure, I lived in India for a couple of months at a time on separate occasions when I was a teen, and I did it their way. Actually, my mom, raised in India, brought paper. I did it their way. I’m still proud of this. Although nowadays I think I would insist on a toilet. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/31 "2009-04-24T01:04:44Z")
> [@Hyperelastic](#): > > I heard this from a friend. He was with his Boy Scout troop helping clean up a cabin to earn a merit badge or something. One kid suddenly had to take a dump, but there was no plumbing. He found a bucket and crapped in it, and quickly realized he had nothing to wipe with. But there was an old pink blanket on the floor that seemed to do the trick… > > Turned out to be fiberglass insulation. :eek: dear god, why hast thou forsaken me?! ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 9:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/32 "2009-04-24T09:46:48Z")
> [@Lanzy](#): > > I grew up in the hills of Tennessee and we had out outhouse until I was 16. The Sears & Roebuck catalog was a staple, so were phone books. There was no money to waste on fancy things like toilet paper. The ladies underwear ads went last. Aha, the two-ply paper. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 10:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/33 "2009-04-24T10:02:18Z")
> [@Daithi\_Lacha](#): > > In response to **KneadToKnow** ’s entry: My wife’s cousin was doing some engineering in India, and he had to travel a bit. It took him a little while to get used to squat toilets, and - how can I put it nicely? - it was the executive toilets that had a hose. Other less glamorous places had a sink for hand-washing. Still others simply had a sand-pile for scouring. > > Now, he could have been exaggerating, sure, and I welcome anyone who would like to set me straight. No he wasn’t exaggerating. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/34 "2009-04-24T12:46:52Z")
> [@brewha](#): > > He’d been better off wiping with the 20. Or, if you’d been a pal, you could have changed it for 20 - dollar bills. That woulda worked nicely. Waayyyy back in 2003 I told a similar _true_ story that was told to me from a trusted source. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=3062619&postcount=54](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=3062619&postcount=54) 😉 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/35 "2009-04-24T13:16:57Z")
> [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](#): > > dear god, why hast thou forsaken me?! “After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith, I thirst. Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar: and they filled a big wad of Owens Corning fiberglass insulation with vinegar, and put it upon hyssop, and put it to his mouth.” John 19:28-29 ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/36 "2009-04-24T14:30:40Z")
I wiped my butt on the OP. But next time I’ll print it out first. ---
**Author:** ![schnuckiputzi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecb155/32.png) [@schnuckiputzi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/schnuckiputzi)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/37 "2009-04-24T16:03:02Z")
Grandpop’s outhouse was supplied with the Sears’ catalogue and corncobs, plus corn husks. I have used the catalogue pages. I never tried the others. I was too busy trying to dodge the wasps that lived at the top of the shack. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118/38 "2009-04-24T16:03:50Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > I once used a paintbrush in Reno, just to watch it dry. Please report to the front of the room for your beating. It is well deserved, you magnificent punny bastid. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/butt-wiping/494118.md?page=1)