# Calculus Is For Lovers
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751
**Category:** Cafe Society
**Created:** [February 6, 2004, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751 "2004-02-06T00:11:41Z")
**Posts on this page:** 10
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@YHWH\_Messenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YHWH_Messenger)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751/1 "2004-02-06T00:11:41Z")
Ok, I’m, in AP Calculus and my teacher decided that we need to write calculus love poems for Valentines Day :rolleyes: . But I’m not much of a poet, and I’m interested in seeing what y’all will come up with 😃
Basically the criteria are that it must use at least 10 calculus words like differentiate, slope, curve, area, integrate, mean value theorem, limit factor, variable, related rates, kinetics, speed, acceleration, jerk, sum, maximize, minimize, work, etc but don’t have to be about calculus itself. It doesn’t have to rhyme, so have fun! Thanks!
---
### Author:  [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751/2 "2004-02-06T00:30:45Z")
Now now, there is a rule against doing peoples homework for them.
Just make it so rude that the teacher never gives out such a silly assignment again in the future. Maybe you’ll get a poor grade for being rude, but sometimes you need to sacrifice yourselves so that future generations of kids don’t have to suffer.
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### Author:  [@ZebraShaSha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZebraShaSha)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751/3 "2004-02-06T00:31:56Z")
It is rough but here is a quick repsonse:
I am not like them, please differentiate
My slope is different, please appriciate
Your curves… your areas… our fate…
Lets get together and intergrate
Please do not set your limit factor high
Our variables are related, we can get by
We can increase our kinetics…
Our speed!
Our acceleration!
Just do not treat me like such a jerk, now
Together, a sum, will make royality bow
Let us maximize our happiness
And minimize fear, with a kiss
I think we could work, what do you say?
Will you be mine this Valentine’s Day?
---
### Author:  [@capacitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capacitor)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751/4 "2004-02-06T01:00:24Z")
Theorum: All dopers should do their own school homework,
and not jerk around begging other dopers to do
the work for for them.
Proof:
1. Let a=original poster, h=entire homework done,
b=part of original homework done by poster,
c=rate of response in thread,
d=desparation of original poster.
2. a\*b is inversely proportional to d/c.
3. If a showed any positive b,
then c accelerates to maximum,
and d approaches minimum.
If b approaches 0 then c approaches minimum,
and d approaches maximum.
4. a showed b of 0.
.: Only d accelerates to maximum.
1. Let p=professor,
w=likelihood that professor watches this board,
and g(a)=grade of a.
2. Always assume that w=1.
3. h=((integral c)+(a\*b/d))
4. As (integral c) approaches h,
the probability of p-\>g(a)=F approaches 1 (certainty).
Remember w=1.
:. QED
My calculus is a but rusty.
---
### Author:  [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751/5 "2004-02-06T01:29:04Z")
It can be done. I suspect your professor was inspired by Stanislau Lem’s Cyberiad.
Perhaps the relevant passage will inspire you as well.
> [@](#):
>
> Klapaucius thought, and thought some more. Finally he nodded and said:
>
> “Very well. Let’s have a love poem, lyrical, pastoral, and expressed in the language of pure mathematics. Tensor algebra mainly, with a little topology and higher calculus, if need be. But with feeling, you understand, and in the cybernetic spirit.”
>
> “Love and tensor algebra? Have you taken leave of your senses?” Trurl began, but stopped, for his electronic bard was already declaiming:
> Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
> Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
> Their indices bedecked from one to n,
> Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
>
> Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
> And every vector dreams of matrices.
> Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
> It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
>
> In Riemann, Hilbert, or in Banach space
> Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
> Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
> We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
>
> I’ll grant thee random access to my heart,
> Thou’lt tell me all the constants of thy love;
> And so we two shall all love’s lemmas prove,
> And in our bound partition never part.
>
> For what did Cauchy know, or Christoffel,
> Or Fourier, or any Boole or Euler,
> Wielding their compasses, their pens and rulers,
> Of thy supernal sinusoidal spell?
>
> Cancel me not – for what then shall remain?
> Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
> A root or two, a torus and a node:
> The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
>
> Ellipse of bliss, converge, O lips divine!
> The product of our scalars is defined!
> Cyberiad draws nigh, and the skew mind
> Cuts capers like a happy haversine.
>
> I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
> I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
> Bernoulli would have been content to die,
> Had he but known such a[sup]2[/sup] cos 2 phi
Now go, and do thine own homework.
---
### Author:  [@YHWH\_Messenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YHWH_Messenger)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751/6 "2004-02-06T02:18:58Z")
Did I ever say that I was’t going to write one? i just said that I suck as a poet. thats why I took calculus, math is what I’m good at. However my poem is right here:
* * *
How I long to relate the rate of my love to you
But the integration of my words are so few
I try to work toward you,
But distance equals zero
I accelerate with Great force
But I’ve been a jerk of a hero
My love for you grows exponentially,
I long to differentiate my love for you over the time we’ve shared
The slope of such a curve may begin gradually,
But the end may only be determined by a difference of squares
Shurely the limit of our love approaches infinity—
Far beyond what numerous iterations may see.
The area we’ve covered
In so long a time
May only be maximized
Were you to be my valentine.
* * *
I just thought it would be fun to see what you guys come up with (please don’t stop)
---
### Author:  [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751/7 "2004-02-06T02:43:34Z")
This isn’t a _love_ poem, but it is a poem.
It’s a calculus equation which actually works and which, when pronounced, is a limerick:
```auto
3 _
/\ \/3
| 3pi 3 _
| z[sup]2[/sup] dz * cos --- = ln ( \/e )
| 9
\/ 1
```
And now, in textual form:
_The integral z-squared dz
From 1 to the cube root of 3,
Times the cosine
Of 3 pi over 9
Is the log of the cube root of e_
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### Author:  [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751/8 "2004-02-06T03:40:20Z")
Make sure to work in the following lines:
Lebesgue himself couldn’t measure you, my love.
Ah! The sweet manifolds of your body–curved in all the right places!
I’d choose you from any set.
---
### Author:  [@Cabbage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cabbage)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751/9 "2004-02-06T04:45:04Z")
> [@](#):
>
> I’d choose you from any set
Ah, but are we allowed to use the axiom of choice, **ultrafilter**? 😉
My contribution:
Squeeze my lemma, till the proofs run down my leg.
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### Author:  [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calculus-is-for-lovers/227751/10 "2004-02-06T04:47:44Z")
> [@Cabbage](#):
>
> Ah, but are we allowed to use the axiom of choice, **ultrafilter**? 😉
Only on Tuesdays, just like always.