# Call her "fiancee" before the ring? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 10, 2004, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545 "2004-03-10T21:10:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Skipper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@The\_Skipper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Skipper)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2004, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/21 "2004-03-11T14:04:29Z")
> [@j66](#): > > Just because it’s on a government form doesn’t make it correct. Are you implying our gov’t makes mistakes? :mad: … 😉 ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2004, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/22 "2004-03-11T14:39:24Z")
> [@The Skipper](#): > > Are you implying our gov’t makes mistakes? :mad: … 😉 That was not my intention. I would prefer to state that loudly and clearly. ---
**Author:** ![Only\_Mostly\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f19dbf/32.png) [@Only\_Mostly\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Only_Mostly_Dead)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2004, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/23 "2004-03-11T15:30:23Z")
> [@AskNott](#): > > You can also say “my betrothed.” Or you can wipe the dust off the Groucho Marx gag, “my financier.” 🆒 Financier is closer to the truth than you realize. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Limbo\_Donni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Limbo\_Donni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Limbo_Donni)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2004, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/24 "2004-03-11T15:40:49Z")
We were fiancees for about three months without any engagement ring at all. There was just the slimmest of wedding bands. Neither of us like jewelry very much. ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2004, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/25 "2004-03-11T20:51:15Z")
We were engaged for two months without a ring - and we were making all kinds of plans and booking venues and caterers You’re definitely engaged without a ring. I will admit to wanting a ring because I was sick of being asked where it was. And the only reason I got a diamond is because we had one passed down from his grandmother - it’s been in the family over 150 years. Otherwise, I was hoping for a sapphire ring for an e-ring:). As it is, my setting has sapphires in it instead of diamonds as sidestones. But colored stones in engagement rings are becoming much more popular. Ava ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2004, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/26 "2004-03-11T21:20:23Z")
> [@The Skipper](#): > > In actuality, I plan on introducing her as “my girlfriend” until we decide “for sure”. > Then “fiance”, then on down to Sam’s for a cubic zirconium. 😉 One piece of advice: Once you are officially engaged, it is **NOT** acceptable to refer to her as your “ex-girlfriend”. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Quint\_Essence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/54ee81/32.png) [@Quint\_Essence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quint_Essence)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2004, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/27 "2004-03-11T21:30:37Z")
the man is the fiance’ Affiance is a noun meaning “to give away” and is what the father does when he agrees to the marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2004, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/28 "2004-03-11T22:16:29Z")
(These people should be paying me a commission, I’ve posted their link in diamond debates so often.) Look into [Canadian diamonds](http://www.siriusdiamonds.com/pages/polarbear.html) if you don’t want a conflict diamond. They even have tiny little polar bears etched on the girdle of the diamond. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2004, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/29 "2004-03-11T23:17:11Z")
I agree with everyone here that you don’t need a ring to be engaged. However, I do think there should be an official proposing and accepting before you are each other’s fiance/fiancee. If all you have is a mutual unspoken assumption that you will of course get married at some point, that’s not enough to qualify you as officially engaged, in my opinion. So, if you haven’t asked her to marry you, go ahead and ask her! After she says yes, you can talk about dates for buying a ring and having a wedding. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2004, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/30 "2004-03-11T23:32:12Z")
I’d say you’re engaged. I don’t know if a ‘real proposal’ is necessary–I mean, wouldn’t it just be a little stage production? But I feel like that about people who ask Dad’s permission to marry the girlfriend they already live with, too. (What if he says no, btw?) We didn’t have a real ring for at least few weeks; I wore a silver ring he owned (with tape). We went the broke-student route and got a white gold braided ring–which I’m wearing right now instead of my wedding ring, because it fits better at the moment. The wedding ring was falling off, and I was afraid I’d lose it. ---
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2004, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/31 "2004-03-12T05:26:30Z")
I agree with **Giraffe**. My SO and I have agreed that one day we will get married, but we do not currently consider ourselves engaged. I imagine that one day we’ll do the proposal and setting dates stuff. Then we’ll be engaged. Whether or not there will be a ring is currently a matter of hot debate. I admit this isn’t entirely rational, but I feel that being engaged is a stage in life as much as it is a stage in a relationship. I may be ready for one and not the other. ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2004, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/32 "2004-03-12T05:33:01Z")
> [@](#): > > One piece of advice: Once you are officially engaged, it is NOT acceptable to refer to her as your “ex-girlfriend”. I dunno. For several months after we married, I introduced Deb as “my first wife.” ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2004, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/33 "2004-03-12T16:28:43Z")
Call her whatever you want before the ring, thereafter it will be “Ma’am”. ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2004, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/34 "2004-03-12T19:16:11Z")
[QUOTE=The Skipper] INS form I-126f is titled: “Petition for Alien Fiance”, not “affianced”. Evidently they are not in tune with such subtleties. 😉 [QUOTE] AHA! Nice try, Skipper. 😃 I had to come bug you about the subtleties… It’s form I-129F, and the INS became the BCIS (under the DHS) and is now the USCIS. 😃 I’ve become Immigration Woman over the last year. Fear me. For I am fierce. And stuff. As for the actual topic at hand - so long as she said “Yeah, sure!”, you’re all good. Hell, so long as you two are okay with it, you can call yourselves whatever you’d like! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![toadspittle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c0e974/32.png) [@toadspittle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toadspittle)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2004, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/35 "2004-03-12T20:31:30Z")
Here’s how I’d act: 1. Formally “proposed” (i.e., down on one knee, ask “GF, will you marry me?”) and gave GF ring = fiancee 2. Formally “proposed” but no ring yet = fiancee 3. No formal proposition, no ring, but set date for wedding - fiancee 4. No formal proposition, no ring, no date for wedding, just tacit understanding/discussion that, someday, we’ll get married = girlfriend ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2004, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545/36 "2004-03-13T15:44:56Z")
> [@Quint Essence](#): > > the man is the fiance’ > Affiance is a noun meaning “to give away” and is what the father does when he agrees to the marriage. Actually, even if affiance meant ‘to give away’, it would still be a verb. And it means to pledge, specifically, in marriage; so ‘affinanced’ is, IIRC, the past participle used as a noun, s/he who is affinanced. However, according to Meriam-Webster, the word can be used to promise oneself or _another_, which could be the source of the confusion. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-her-fiancee-before-the-ring/233545.md?page=1)