# "Call me Elizabeth T./Cause there's no more Dick for me!" Ted Haggard straight again **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 8, 2007, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291 "2007-02-08T00:42:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2007, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/41 "2007-02-08T22:57:27Z")
I’m afraid it’s not very compassionate of me, but I just have no sympathy for the Ted Haggards of the world. If he’d just wanted to be a self-loathing closet case I might feel bad, but he wasn’t content to do that: he had to get up on a podium behind a microphone and **slam** others for doing “sordid things” that he did (or at very least sure as hell wanted to do) himself. BTW, would Haggard have been able to fly under _anybody’s_ gaydar? The man has HOMO written so large on his forehead he could have borrowed the first two letters and one of the O’s from the woody in the HOLLYWOOD sign. The only thing remotely straight about him is that he reminds me a little of the weird little cooking school dean who was always drooling over the fact Jack lived with two girls on _THREE’S COMPANY_. And gay or straight, if you’re caught in a sex scandal and you know damned good and well that the accusations are true, DON’T DENY IT! Just as _Stop, Drop and Roll_ is the SDR if you’re on fire, the SDR to remember for exposed sex scandals is ‘Stall, Deduce and Repent [vaguely]’ Stall: neither confirm nor deny but give nothing at first beyond a “no comment at this time” Deduce: Figure out what they know, who they know it from and how much do they know Repent: Come forward in a press conference (tears would be good) that you’ve had some indiscretions or misdeeds that you need to address and you apologize for all involved. As they’re of an intensely personal nature you don’t wish to discuss them and plead with the media to please respect your privacy and that of your family (as well as those of the scout troop and dog breeders involved) and retire til it blows over. Bakker, Haggard, Paulk, Clinton- all of them totally botched this simple always-effective rule. People will _forgive_ an adulterer far sooner than they will an adulterer who _lies_ when caught with his pants down. (Clinton I’ll never understand- you’d think he would have known better how to capitalize on the public’s dislike of Ken Starr and ‘who gives a damn?’ attitude most people had towards consentual adultery of a famous person.) ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2007, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/42 "2007-02-08T23:23:07Z")
Yeah, I was shocked by Clinton’s “I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN” speech. If he had gone on TV and said, “I’m being accused of all kinds of things, but I want everyone to know that while I’ve made some mistakes this is a private matter and I’m not going to discuss it in public, and Ken Starr is an asshole,” I honestly think the Republicans never would have got the courage to try to impeach him. It was the obvious angry lies that emboldened them. I expected Clinton to be smarter than that. Vaugeness, vaugeness, vaugeness–you should know that vaugeness is your ally, Bill! Sure, deny, of course deny. But deny in a VAUGE way…“while I’m not a perfect man, many of these rumors are completely untrue. But this scandal has made me realize how much the love of my wife and family have sustained me…” C’mon Bill, you can do this kind of thing in your sleep! ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/43 "2007-02-09T00:06:04Z")
**Sampiro** , There are times you’ve made me laugh, you’ve made me think, you’ve made me go meh, and times when you’ve just plain made me pissed! Now, you’ve just made me piss in my pants laughing. Thanks a lot! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/44 "2007-02-09T00:15:58Z")
[QUOTE=Sampiro] BTW, would Haggard have been able to fly under _anybody’s_ gaydar? [/QUOTE] Go look [at this](http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=100742) and tell me you couldn’t completely have told ages ago: > [@](#): > > When my big, gay stepdad saw him on the news for the first time three years ago, his first comment was: “Well he’s as gay as a box of birds.” … > > Most Sundays, all that professional theater equipment might seem like overkill, but once a year New Life goes all out. It’s their annual Passion play, called _The Thorn_, and it’s amazing. They hire professional acrobats from Cirque du Soleil to twirl on hoops and bars that dangle from the rafters, use real tigers, and have hot guys in Roman centurion costumes marching through the halls and riding real horses in the parking lot. > > The costumes are stunning. Satan is hulking and ripped and his makeup looks straight out of a Clive Barker movie. Jesus is a hunky man’s man. … > > 1. The big, gay art all over the place. First, there’s the massive bronze \*Defender \*sculpture in the main lobby of the church outside the “living room [sanctuary].” This is an angel of manliest variety, hairy and buff enough to burst the button crotch on a bear’s best jeans. \*Defender \*is the centerpiece of the main church, and his sword is ready to thrust… > > Then there’s another mighty bronze sculpture of a manly angel with a sword in the atrium. Surrounding him there on the walls of the room are prints of paintings by Thomas Blackshear II, a Christian artist whose artistic vision is so homoerotic it’d make Robert Mapplethorpe blush. A gorgeous, naked, muscle-bound black man with angel’s wings is bent over as if to, uh, take flight. [A weary, handsome carpenter (and dead ringer for Haggard) in a dirty T-shirt is held from behind by Jesus, whose grasp on the man’s chest is so firm that he’s lifted the man’s shirt above his waistline to reveal his treasure trail.](http://www.blackshearonline.com/cgi-bin/cat9990167864482.cgi?itemid=9940174873619&action=viewad&categoryid=9960172732456&page=1&placeonpage=14&totaldisplayed=20) I know — gay! ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/45 "2007-02-09T00:28:50Z")
Oh. My. God. Nope, nothing gay about those Thomas Blackshear paintings. Why, he makes Jesus look postively BUTCH. Everyone is so masculine that there couldn’t possibly be anything gay about it. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/46 "2007-02-09T02:21:41Z")
[QUOTE=EddyTeddyFreddy] “Jesus saves.” [/QUOTE] …and takes half damage. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/47 "2007-02-09T02:41:57Z")
[QUOTE=Lemur866] Yeah, I was shocked by Clinton’s “I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN”…C’mon Bill, you can do this kind of thing in your sleep! [/QUOTE] Hmmm. So you think Haggard’s manwhore might have had something to do with Vince Foster’s “suicide”? (Something just occured to me in the morbid curiosity department…how much did Haggard pay him?) ---
**Author:** ![scotandrsn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a4c791/32.png) [@scotandrsn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scotandrsn)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/48 "2007-02-09T03:06:50Z")
[QUOTE=elucidator] …(Something just occured to me in the morbid curiosity department…how much did Haggard pay him?) [/QUOTE] And where did the money come from? ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/49 "2007-02-09T03:19:30Z")
[QUOTE=matt\_mcl] "When my big, gay stepdad saw him on the news for the first time three years ago, his first comment was: “Well he’s as gay as a box of birds.” [/quote] **Matt** , that quote may not be yours exactly, but that’s the best laugh I’ve had in quite a while. “Box of birds” Hee hee. Happy little birdies. Cheep! Cheep! Tweedle! Tweedle! Oh, Christ, I’m laughing my ass off here. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/50 "2007-02-09T03:26:58Z")
[QUOTE=Sampiro] I don’t care what Plynck says or implies: **NEVER NEVER NEVER** ask for or accept a hand job from a gay leper. It’s bad enough when the hand falls off, but the worst part comes weeks later… [/QUOTE] Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute? A: “Keep the tip!” (sorry, I don’t know what just came over me.) ---
**Author:** ![Squink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@Squink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squink)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/51 "2007-02-09T04:04:52Z")
I didn’t know [Mike Luckovich had it in him.](http://americablog.blogspot.com/2007/02/now-thats-funny.html) ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/52 "2007-02-09T04:43:51Z")
[QUOTE=Eva Luna] (sorry, I don’t know what just came over me.) [/QUOTE] Said the blindfolded hooker. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/53 "2007-02-09T08:59:47Z")
[QUOTE=Dangerosa] And when his friends at Exodus hold him up as an example that reorientation works, everyone other than the believers will recognize that Ted Haggard doesn’t take a piss without three guys supervising him to make sure its only his own hand on his dick. [/QUOTE] Uh, excuse me, but how is that _not_ gay? I mean, you see an ad for a job in the paper, the description’s kind of vague, but the salary, benefits, and travel possibilities listed are awesome, so you decide to check it out. When you ask the interviewer what the job is, they respond with, “Pecker checker. We need you to follow around our preacher and make sure he doesn’t get caught with a mouthful of cock again.” What straight man is going to say, “I can start today!”??? _I’d_ do it only so that I _could_ catch him with a mouthful of cock and load pictures of it up on to the intarwebs, but I’m weird like that. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/54 "2007-02-09T09:21:29Z")
Well, what _gay_ man is going to leap up to volunteer?. The job is for psychotic control freaks, regardless of their sexual orientation. ---
**Author:** ![scotandrsn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a4c791/32.png) [@scotandrsn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scotandrsn)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/55 "2007-02-09T14:32:09Z")
[QUOTE=Mangetout] Well, what _gay_ man is going to leap up to volunteer?. The job is for psychotic control freaks, regardless of their sexual orientation. [/QUOTE] But then again, I had a roommate once who was a psychotic control freak… and gay. ---
**Author:** ![Dob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Dob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dob)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/56 "2007-02-09T15:38:02Z")
This could actually be a blessing in disguise for the gay community. If in a few months if he goes “back” to being gay, it will just reinforce what eveyone knows; Gay is not a choice. Hell maybe he will even realise it and come out as an advocate! It could happen! ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/57 "2007-02-09T16:54:54Z")
[QUOTE=Dob] This could actually be a blessing in disguise for the gay community. [/QUOTE] A gay friend of mine claims to have a mild fetish for desperately straight-acting men who refuse to come out of the closet. He says that’s high on his list of “types,” and they make him “hot.” I have no idea if his preferences are common (or if, perhaps, this is an oblique way of flirting with _me_, which he’s done before), but I’d bet there’s at least a small percentage of the gay community who’d leap at the chance to try to draw out Mr. Haggard a second time, whether or not entrapment and public humiliation are the ultimate motivation. Should we start soliciting volunteers? ---
**Author:** ![5que](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/3bc359/32.png) [@5que](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5que)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/58 "2007-02-09T17:26:08Z")
[QUOTE=Eva Luna] Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute? A: “Keep the tip!” [/QUOTE] I thought that’s what you said to the Rabbi after the Bris. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/59 "2007-02-09T19:53:21Z")
[QUOTE=Cervaise] A gay friend of mine claims to have a mild fetish for desperately straight-acting men who refuse to come out of the closet. …I have no idea if his preferences are common … [/QUOTE] I don’t know that it’s common but I’ve known a couple of guys who had the same fetish. Both claim (I know I know- anecdotal, not rep. sample, etc.) that a gay guy will never have a more passionate “willing to do anything” partner than a heavily closeted guy because they have to make every second count before they’re off to soccer practice and confession. ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2007, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291/60 "2007-02-09T20:00:30Z")
[QUOTE=Sampiro] I don’t care what Plynck says or implies: **NEVER NEVER NEVER** ask for or accept a hand job from a gay leper. It’s bad enough when the hand falls off, but the worst part comes weeks later… [/QUOTE] Reminds me of a John Valbee (sp?) song: “Leprosy All my skin is falling off of me I’m not half the man I used to be Oh how did I get leprosy?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/call-me-elizabeth-t-cause-theres-no-more-dick-for-me-ted-haggard-straight-again/391291.md?page=4)