# Calling all amateur musicians **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 25, 2003, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049 "2003-12-25T21:31:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![SiXSwordS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/49beb7/32.png) [@SiXSwordS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SiXSwordS)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/1 "2003-12-25T21:31:32Z")
I work with a lot of musician wannabes. The other day we had a good time trotting out all of our old musician jokes. Here’s my top three: Winning the bronze How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? Put sheet music in fornt of him. Winning the silver. What do you call a guitar player who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless. And the gold goes to What’s the difference between a Bass player and a large deep dish pizza? A large deep dish pizza can feed a family of four. Feel free to add your own Sorry about any sexism. ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/2 "2003-12-25T21:55:15Z")
What’s the difference between a dead trombone player in the middle of the road and a dead snake in the middle of the road? The snake was probably on the way to a gig ---
**Author:** ![fishbicycle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aeb1de/32.png) [@fishbicycle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishbicycle)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/3 "2003-12-25T22:38:43Z")
How can you tell it’s a drummer knocking on your door? He speeds up. (sorry, I don’t know how to make a spoiler box yet…) ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/4 "2003-12-25T22:41:42Z")
What do you call a musically challenged guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer. ---
**Author:** ![SiXSwordS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/49beb7/32.png) [@SiXSwordS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SiXSwordS)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/5 "2003-12-25T22:45:10Z")
Try this fishbicycle bracket spoiler end bracket bracket/spoiler end bracket ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2003, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/6 "2003-12-25T23:01:46Z")
I thought you giving instructions on to make a fishbicycle I really should pay closer attention. ---
**Author:** ![picker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/picker/32/13969_2.png) [@picker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picker)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2003, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/7 "2003-12-26T06:21:56Z")
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They have machines for that now 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2003, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/8 "2003-12-26T06:55:25Z")
See my contributions in [this ATMB thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=227028&highlight=guitar). Also, see [Bad Musician Jokes](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=228674&highlight=flams%2A). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2003, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/9 "2003-12-26T15:57:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Flamsterette\_X \* > \*\*See my contributions in [this ATMB thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=227028&highlight=guitar). Also, see [Bad Musician Jokes](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=228674&highlight=flams%2A). 😃 \*\* Thank you for not putting all 1037 jokes in one post here! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Reuben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/54ee81/32.png) [@Reuben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reuben)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2003, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/10 "2003-12-26T18:22:20Z")
_::dusts off oldest musician joke in entire world::_ \ Q: What’s the best way to play a bodhran (Irish drum) ? A: With a penknife. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2003, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/11 "2003-12-26T18:46:46Z")
How do you get a drummer off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza ---
**Author:** ![I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_can_t_believe_that_s_butter)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2003, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/12 "2003-12-26T18:51:09Z")
How do you know when the drum riser is level? The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2003, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/13 "2003-12-26T19:24:24Z")
What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra? A bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. ---
**Author:** ![Yumanite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b487fb/32.png) [@Yumanite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumanite)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2003, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/14 "2003-12-26T23:31:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Reuben \* > \*\*_::dusts off oldest musician joke in entire world::_ > > \ > > Q: What’s the best way to play a bodhran (Irish drum) ? > > A: With a penknife. \*\* 😃 What’s the definition of a true gentleman? Someone who can play the Highland pipes, but doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2003, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/15 "2003-12-28T08:40:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by NoClueBoy \* > \*\*Thank you for not putting all 1037 jokes in one post here! 😉 \*\* You _counted_ all the jokes?! Oh my… then you’re more loopy than I am. I only typed out the jokes, but you’re the one who counted them. 😉 F\_X ---
**Author:** ![TJdude825](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dec6dc/32.png) [@TJdude825](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJdude825)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2003, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/16 "2003-12-29T07:50:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by NoClueBoy \* > \*\*What do you call a musically challenged guy who hangs out with musicians? > A drummer. \*\* or… The lead singer Here’s some more: [http://www.8notes.com/jokes/](http://www.8notes.com/jokes/) ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2003, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/17 "2003-12-29T13:35:45Z")
Man, that drum machine one was **cold** , man. -Jonathan “Guess What _I_ Played First” Chance ---
**Author:** ![Bimble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b2d939/32.png) [@Bimble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bimble)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2003, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/18 "2003-12-29T16:03:42Z")
Here’s mine!! Q. What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? A. You only have to punch in the information into a drum machine once. Q. What do you get if you cross a drummer with a musician? A. A bassplayer Q. What do you call a banjo at the bottom of the ocean? A. A DAMN good idea Q. How do you know when there’s a drummer at your door? A. He can’t knock intime and doesn’t come in when you ask him to. And for any fellow sound enginers out there: Q. What’s the difference between a sound engineer and a toilet? A. A toilet only has to take sh_t from one assh_le at a time. Q. How many sound engineers does it take to change a lighgtbulb? A. None, you get the tape op to do it… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Angua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8baadc/32.png) [@Angua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angua)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2003, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-all-amateur-musicians/221049/19 "2003-12-30T00:11:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Reuben \* > \*\*_::dusts off oldest musician joke in entire world::_ > > \ > > Q: What’s the best way to play a bodhran (Irish drum) ? > > A: With a penknife. \*\* :dubious: Hmmm… Nothing wrong with the bodhran whatsoever. If nothing else, it certainly improves the mobility of at least one of your wrists. 😉