# Calling the cops on your child. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 7, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871 "2010-07-07T15:59:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/41 "2010-07-07T17:38:23Z")
> [@constanze](#): > > Allowing adults to beat the children, but acting as if a child hitting back in frustration / anger is unforgivable is a bad double standard. Thing is, no one here is saying that it’s okay to beat your kids, so saying it’s okay for your kids to beat you is also something of a double standard, wouldn’t you say? ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/42 "2010-07-07T17:42:34Z")
I’m with Dad. This isn’t a case where the kid got caught with a joint in his pocket and maybe mouthed off when confronted. It sounds like this kid had a significant amount of pot, packaged in a manner that suggests it’s not for personal use, and he got violent when confronted. The violence is the deciding factor - that’s just assault, and he lost any opportunity to handle this quietly once he did that. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/43 "2010-07-07T17:42:52Z")
> [@](#): > > There’s not a chance in hell I’d call the cops on my child for selling pot, shoving or running. I think there is probably a good reason (in his mind) for the shoving and running if the kid is in danger of owing to someone else, and I know this through experience. Of course there’s a good reason. The reason is that the kid is already in trouble over his head, and needs to be gotten out of trouble. Calling the cops on him is getting him out of trouble, not into it: The trouble is of the kid’s and his criminal associates’ making. And it looks like the dad was trying to handle this in an informal, in-the-family manner, but that this wasn’t acceptable to the son. It’s the son’s decision that resulted in the police getting called, not the father’s, and he has to learn that decisions have consequences. Or, more precisely, decisions _do_ have consequences, regardless of whether he learns that or not. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/44 "2010-07-07T17:46:01Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Thing is, no one here is saying that it’s okay to beat your kids, so saying it’s okay for your kids to beat you is also something of a double standard, wouldn’t you say? What she said. Also, I’d like a cite on all those states where child abuse is legal, and/or assault and battery is legal as long as the victim is under a specific age. For that matter, I’d like a cite on all these Dopers who said that they think child abuse is just dandy. I am not one of them, obviously. And no, I’m not aware of any state where child abuse is legal. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/45 "2010-07-07T17:46:02Z")
I would not have called the cops, and I’d have been mighty pissed at the other parent for making the decision unilaterally, but I sure wouldn’t have broken up the marriage over it. If all the details were known, calling the cops might look a lot saner. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/46 "2010-07-07T17:49:08Z")
IMO the kid didnt leave dad much choice when he RAN OUT with pot that looks to be intended to be sold/dealt. What if Dad did not call the cops? And then the kid shortly gets busted for possible dealing. What if he got caught for ACTUALLY dealing? The cops/DA would most likely go way harder on the kid if he was caught that way rather than being ratted out by his Dad. And what if the cops come back to the house and find other stashes? Now, dad, his career, the family home, pretty much everything is at great risk. If the cops/DA wanted to make an example of wayward DAD and son for being dealers everybody and everything could be ROYALLY screwed. Now, the chances of kid getting caught that day were probably very small, but OTOH the consequences if he did and the dad had not given the cops the heads up are massively worse. The kid acted rashly and IMO forced Dads hand. Yeah, life is NOT a sitcom and one 16yo little twit just found it out the hard way. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/47 "2010-07-07T17:54:14Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > I never said anything about police being “supplemental parents” (?). I _did_ say that actions have consequences, and resorting to violence over possibly getting grounded does not, should not fly. I thought that was your implication with: > [@](#): > > But cooling his heels in a jail cell for an hour might remind the kid that actions have consequences. > [@](#): > > Kid’s a juvie and a first offender. Dad also probably has the option of working with the defense attorney and DA to work out a plea bargain, should it come to that. This doesn’t have to be the end of the world, but getting off with just a “stern talking to” when he _assaulted his dad_ is not proportional to what he did. If he’s to the point where he actually thinks that sort of thing is okay, I really have my doubts that a stern talking to would do jack shit, anyway. Your impression sounds like you’ve gained your knowledge from a TV show. The Juvenile Justice system has undergone a lot of changes in the last 30 years. Like the adult system it is increasingly moving away from rehab and has begun to be primarily punitive in nature. This doesn’t even get into the whole lot of other issues that are unique to Juvenile Justice. For instance in California just the alleged assualt is enough grounds to remove the child from the home for Juvenile Hall or group home placement. Notice I didn’t say conviction, just the allegation alone. I would not expose a child of mine to the Justice system in anyway except as a matter of desperation/extreme fear for my safety. > [@](#): > > We live in a society where it’s not okay to violently knock someone down, for any reason. Kid can either figure that out _now_, or end up in jail later. At 16, if you let him skate on this, you can bet that he will take it as a sanction that he can do pretty much whatever he wants, and he will just take it as a given that his parents will bail him out. I’ve seen this in my own family, and _that_ “kid” is now 25 with two kids that he doesn’t want to be a parent to. Guess who ends up parenting them? Not the the kid who fathered them, that’s for sure. I totally agree with you on this point. This doesn’t in anyway change my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/48 "2010-07-07T17:55:34Z")
I’m with the dad. I think the son needs a serious reality check NOW. BTW, I’m in favour of legalizing pot, but for the time being dealing it is still illegal and the son knows that. The violence of his reaction might indicate that there’s more to this than meets the eye. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/49 "2010-07-07T17:56:00Z")
Pot- no cops. Domestic violence- cops. People need to know from early on that domestic violence is zero tolerance. It needs to not be viewed as an option _at all_, and if the son doesn’t know that by now, it’s time for him to learn it. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/50 "2010-07-07T18:07:08Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Not to me, necessarily. When I was 16 I would get a “consortium” of friends together, pool resources, and buy a pound. Pound would be broken down into 16 ounce bags (17 if you include my pilferage:p). Just saying. So, your friends gave you money, which you then used to buy pot, divide it up, and give it to them in exchange for their money. Hey, guess what! You were selling pot! ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/51 "2010-07-07T18:09:08Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > I thought that was your implication with: I meant exactly what I said. Actions have consequences. It may make sense to shield a toddler from consequences, given that toddlers don’t have the mental capacity to understand the cause/effect relationship. But for a teenager? No, sorry. Whatever you choose to do, the consequences, positive or negative, are at _your_ feet. I’m not a big fan of letting people get away with shit, as you may have noticed. > [@](#): > > I would not expose a child of mine to the Justice system in anyway except as a matter of desperation/extreme fear for my safety. Well, then I’ll just say I find you unusual in that being violently assaulted apparently doesn’t make you fear for your safety. Having been violently assaulted, I certainly feared for mine. > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Pot- no cops. Domestic violence- cops. People need to know from early on that domestic violence is zero tolerance. It needs to not be viewed as an option _at all_, and if the son doesn’t know that by now, it’s time for him to learn it. Word. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/52 "2010-07-07T18:09:09Z")
Vote for Dad. Under current laws the authorities could take posession of their house, especially if they could prove based upon the amount, of an intent to deal. Dad’s now paying for raising a POS, like that. ---
**Author:** ![Disheavel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@Disheavel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Disheavel)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/53 "2010-07-07T18:10:16Z")
I absolutely call the cops. The cops themselves aren’t going to want to run this kid through. They are going to confiscate the drugs, haul the kid home, and have a conversation with parents and kid about the next time they catch him. Cops aren’t bad people. They really do want to try and steer a person the right way rather than incarcerate. If they know that parents are helping them and are trying to get the kid to shape up, they will be even better in the situation (they will be meaner and scarier to the kid, but he’ll not get more than a small violation. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/54 "2010-07-07T18:19:16Z")
From what’s provided in the OP, I’ll side with the father. Dealing drugs (which he keeps in the house) and attacking the family? That’s good enough reason to call the cops for me. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/55 "2010-07-07T18:22:23Z")
Really tough call. I have two kids (23 year old daughter & 19 year old son) who live with their mom, and I can see (and have to deal with) their dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors that cripple their ability to succeed, that are mainly the result of a discipline and consequences free lifestyle over the past 13 years with their mother. It’s not pretty. The flip side is that involving the police and the court system essentially opens your family up for all sorts of intrusive oversight and this often involves the police and the court and social services getting _way_ into your family’s personal business. If you put your son on the police radar as a drug dealer he will potentially stay there for some time. Opinions may differ but IMO the shoving incident is not the end of the world that some seem to think. Tempers can flare between fathers and sons and (IMO) a son and dad should be able to get some pushing and shoving out of their system without involving the police. I think calling the police was probably premature in this instance and that the situation should have been handled internally. Calling the cops was kind of weak at this stage in the game, and (to be honest) a bit of a pussy move by the dad because his pride was injured at being shoved. I’m guessing the dad was rarely, if ever, in physical confrontations in his life and someone laying hands on him was a humiliating shock. The real problem here is not the pushing and shoving, and it’s not the pot. Those could be handled in time. It’s that the mother is willing to break up the family over this vs trying to get both sides back together. She is focused entirely on protecting the son from any repercussions and the marriage itself is a distant second. This does not bode well for the future of their relationship in any way, shape or form. She’s raising a protected brat and this will come back to bite her. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/56 "2010-07-07T18:34:18Z")
If he shoved anyone else over a chair that wasn’t his father, what do you think would happen? He doesn’t get a pass on assault “just because” it’s his dad. Assault is a serious adult crime, and it’s inexcusable. > [@shijinn](#): > > whether the dad is right or not, nobody thinks the other parent has any say on the matter, so long as he is right? If he also knocked her over, she would get to decide for herself as well. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/57 "2010-07-07T18:39:36Z")
I find this interesting. More often it seems I come down on the side that is accused of being overly disciplinarian. And folk who criticize these boards as overly liberal ought to pay heed to the majority’s eagerness to subject a family member to possible criminal prosecution in what appears to be an isolated incident, when a plethora of other options exist. While the dad’s cooperation might be necessary WRT the assault charge, if the cops catch the kid with pot, they can handle it how they want without dad. [QUOTE=Kaio] but getting off with just a “stern talking to” when he assaulted his dad is not proportional to what he did. [/QUOTE] I’m not sure anyone suggested letting the kid off with nothing more than a “stern talking to.” By involving the authorities, it is the dad who greatly reduced the range of responses available. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/58 "2010-07-07T18:42:42Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > I meant exactly what I said. Actions have consequences. It may make sense to shield a toddler from consequences, given that toddlers don’t have the mental capacity to understand the cause/effect relationship. But for a teenager? No, sorry. Whatever you choose to do, the consequences, positive or negative, are at _your_ feet. > > I’m not a big fan of letting people get away with shit, as you may have noticed. We just have differeing opinions on where you draw the line. > [@](#): > > Well, then I’ll just say I find you unusual in that being violently assaulted apparently doesn’t make you fear for your safety. Having been violently assaulted, I certainly feared for mine. No I responded to being shoved over a chair, again we have differing opinions on where we draw the line. To be honest I really don’t want to argue this to vociferously precisely because I’m sort of in agreement that the violence puts it into the grey area where it’s probably more a function of how old you are and where/when you were raised on how violent you considered a shove. That being said there are a lot of responses here that seem to have just a little too much faith a system that is not set up for treating people as individuals. While I agree that the consequences could be relatively minor depending on the size of your towns police force, the demographics of the area and many many more variables. There could be major consequences of which most people just won’t be aware. The primary motivation on whether I would call the police or not would depend on what I’m trying to accomplish. If the motivation is to help the kid/family, the police are the wrong medicine. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/59 "2010-07-07T18:42:57Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > If he shoved anyone else over a chair that wasn’t his father, what do you think would happen? > > He doesn’t get a pass on assault “just because” it’s his dad. Assault is a serious adult crime, and it’s inexcusable. > > If he also knocked her over, she would get to decide for herself as well. If someone called the cops every time a dad and teenage son got into it the police would be very busy boys. Dads and sons are not strangers to each other and strong willed males will challenge for dominance, sometimes physically, as they grow older. If it’s a one off thing where no one is seriously injured screaming “ASSAULT!” and calling the police is an absurd over reaction IMO. Men can take some pushing and shoving. If he was going after his mom or sisters physically then the scenario might be different as women are (usually not always) considerably more at risk in physical male-female confrontations. Police intervention would make more sense in that scenario. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/60 "2010-07-07T18:52:33Z")
> [@astro](#): > > If it’s a one off thing where no one is seriously injured screaming “ASSAULT!” and calling the police is an absurd over reaction IMO. Men can take some pushing and shoving. If he was going after his mom or sisters physically then the scenario might be different as women are (usually not always) considerably more at risk in physical male-female confrontations. Police intervention would make more sense in that scenario. But, by the dad not calling the cops, he is sending the message to the kid that violence is an option, because some people won’t call the police. By calling the police, he’s sending the message that violence is unacceptable, and if your own dad will call the police over it, then most other people will, too. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871.md?page=4)