# Calling the cops on your child. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 7, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871 "2010-07-07T15:59:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/61 "2010-07-07T18:55:09Z")
I can’t remember the last time I saw a scenario that was as full of people who weren’t completely right or completely wrong as this one. About the only opinion I can offer at this point is that I’m glad I don’t have to make this decision. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/62 "2010-07-07T18:59:07Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > But, by the dad not calling the cops, he is sending the message to the kid that violence is an option, because some people won’t call the police. By calling the police, he’s sending the message that violence is unacceptable, and if your own dad will call the police over it, then most other people will, too. Each person needs to decide if they need the authority of the police addressing their domestic confrontations vs handling it on their own. If it was a chronic issue then maybe it’s called for, but an angry and panicked 16 year old shoving his dad for the first time does not (for me) meet that standard. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/63 "2010-07-07T19:00:19Z")
Calling the cops isn’t necessarily a negative thing. I haven’t had to do it, and hope I never do, but sometimes it’s the only way to get help for your child, and can result in very positive changes in people’s lives, in the end. It’s better than standing back and letting young kids make stupid choices and get away with it and ruin their lives. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/64 "2010-07-07T19:03:52Z")
> [@astro](#): > > strong willed males will challenge for dominance, sometimes physically, as they grow older. They’d also, left to their own devices, piss on things to mark their territory, but society doesn’t allow that either. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/65 "2010-07-07T19:07:37Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Calling the cops isn’t necessarily a negative thing. I haven’t had to do it, and hope I never do, but sometimes it’s the only way to get help for your child, and can result in very positive changes in people’s lives, in the end. It’s better than standing back and letting young kids make stupid choices and get away with it and ruin their lives. Getting the police (and by extension the courts and social services) involved in your personal domestic situation is a roll of the dice. This works best if both parents are joined at the hip that this was the right thing to do. If one parent is not on board with this it can bust the family into pieces. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/66 "2010-07-07T19:09:54Z")
Just to reiterate: The dad was trying to make a decision, but the son took that away from him. He probably could have gotten just a stern talking to and grounded for a while, but his response to that possibility was to get violent and run off. Domestic discipline only works when the child accepts it, which this kid did not. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/67 "2010-07-07T19:15:51Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > They’d also, left to their own devices, piss on things to mark their territory, but society doesn’t allow that either. Again, calling the police can open up a huge can of worms for a family. There are certainly situations where it’s called for, but involving the police is a tactical nuke that can forever alter (and not always in a positive way) the family ties that bind people. Whatever disagreements you have with your son calling the police on him can permanently change your relationship with him and distance him from you forever. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/68 "2010-07-07T19:16:35Z")
Without any further info the basic situation could be at either of these extremes or somewhere inbetween. One, the kid is an outa control brat. At the other end, the kid is pretty damn good and this was a one off fluke. Given that the Dad’s immediate response (even though IMO he had justifiable reasons) was to CALL the COPS suggests to me the higher likelyhood that the kid is towards the bad/outa control end of the spectrum and has been for awhile. Yeah, it doesnt prove anything but I know which way I’d bet without any further info. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/69 "2010-07-07T19:20:29Z")
> [@astro](#): > > If someone called the cops every time a dad and teenage son got into it the police would be very busy boys. Dads and sons are not strangers to each other and strong willed males will challenge for dominance, sometimes physically, as they grow older. This creates another interesting question - how common is it for fathers and sons to come to blows during a fight/disagreement? My brother and my father have never even had a verbal confrontation, let alone a phyiscal one. According to my father he never had a confrontation with my grandfather either. My fiance never got physically violent with his dad even though his dad was a drunk for the last 5 years of his life. In fact I’ve only been close to one man in my life who ever had a physical confrontation with their father and he was an incredibly gentle soul whose father came after him one day over a financial issue. Then again my experience is certainly not universal so I can’t say for sure what happens in society at large so I can’t say this isn’t common behavior either. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/70 "2010-07-07T19:22:30Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Again, calling the police can open up a huge can of worms for a family. There are certainly situations where it’s called for, but involving the police is a tactical nuke that can forever alter (and not always in a positive way) the family ties that bind people. Whatever disagreements you have with your son calling the police on him can permanently change your relationship with him and distance him from you forever. This is classic enabling thinking. It’s not the dad’s decision that rended the family, it’s the son’s decision to physically attack. Put the blame where it belongs. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/71 "2010-07-07T19:23:53Z")
I suppose it depends on whether the intent is to get revenge on the kid or to actually improve his behavior. In terms of actually improving his behavior, calling the cops is likely to make it worse. Punitive measures just don’t work. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/72 "2010-07-07T19:27:35Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > No I responded to being shoved over a chair, again we have differing opinions on where we draw the line. Functionally my assault wasn’t substantially different from being “shoved over a chair,” and yes, it was still fucking scary. I was walking home, a teenage girl decided to mug me for kicks, and out of nowhere I was on the ground because someone had shoved me from behind. Then she started beating me around my head and shoulders with her hands, because unfortunately for her, she shoved me so I fell on top of my purse. You know what? She was an incompetent criminal, and aside from bruises and scraped knees and a knot on my head, nothing she did was actually painful. I was still scared, _because_ she attacked me, violently, unexpectedly, with no provocation whatsoever. That’s the mindset of a person who would, without a doubt, physically hurt me if given the chance – her lack of success was not for lack of trying. I’m not okay with that; neither is our society or legal system. Damn straight I called the cops on her, and pressed charges, and took (unpaid) time off work to be in court. She was “only” 16 too; but AFAIC old enough to know better. Actions have consequences. She is not exempt because she’s a teen. Neither should he be. She was not sent up the river, btw. She got something like community service/probation (it was a while ago, but aside from sitting in a cell the night she mugged me, she was not incarcerated), and a restraining order from getting within 50 yards of me. She was also a first offender; and she pled guilty so I assume she got a plea bargain. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/73 "2010-07-07T19:28:00Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Without any further info the basic situation could be at either of these extremes or somewhere inbetween. One, the kid is an outa control brat. At the other end, the kid is pretty damn good and this was a one off fluke. > > Given that the Dad’s immediate response (even though IMO he had justifiable reasons) was to CALL the COPS suggests to me the higher likelihood that the kid is towards the bad/outa control end of the spectrum and has been for awhile. Yeah, it doesn’t prove anything but I know which way I’d bet without any further info. Your point is on target, but sometimes it doesn’t matter what the kid does, he will be protected. A single mother with an adult 24 year old son friend of mine had all her good jewelry stolen by a friend of her son who was staying a few days in his room. Her son and the friend were (at the time) full bore heroin addicts. She refused to call the police in to investigate, and thus could not make an insurance claim, because she she was petrified they would deduce through questioning her son that he was an addict, and this would put him on their radar screen. She kissed all her heirloom jewelry goodbye to protect him. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/74 "2010-07-07T19:33:32Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > This is classic enabling thinking. It’s not the dad’s decision that rended the family, it’s the son’s decision to physically attack. Put the blame where it belongs. You can put the blame wherever you wish, but there are real world consequences to getting your kid wound into the criminal justice system, and they are often not particularly positive in the long run. You can say it was the kid’s fault all day long, but as the adult YOU have to have some degree of judgement as to the long term pros and cons of doing this. ---
**Author:** ![In\_Winnipeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a8b319/32.png) [@In\_Winnipeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/In_Winnipeg)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/75 "2010-07-07T19:33:39Z")
I’m with dad; mom and the rest of the family are obviously in denial over the whole thing. Sounds to me like Junior was a little overindulged as a child and it’s all gotten out of hand to the point where he feels he can do anything he wants now. I’ve seen it before, believe me. Unfortunately, it’s now gotten to the point where the kid is clearly uncontrollable, and only police involvement will settle the matter. I would have called the cops; I wouldn’t have mentioned the pot, but would have mentioned the assault and let him get picked up for that. If the kid is dumb enough not to ditch the pot before the cops pick him up, well, so be it. Once he’s up on the assault charge, then would be a good time to find out what the hell his problem is. And yes, this can only bring more problems home, and innocent parties could be hurt or worse because of it, depending on whose territory he’s cutting in on. It wouldn’t be pleasant to answer the door and be looking down into the barrel of a shotgun wielded by a Hell’s Angel or something. Anyone short of the Mafia doesn’t care who they kill if they feel their livelihood is threatened. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/76 "2010-07-07T19:42:10Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Functionally my assault wasn’t substantially different from being “shoved over a chair,” and yes, it was still fucking scary. I was walking home, a teenage girl decided to mug me for kicks, and out of nowhere I was on the ground because someone had shoved me from behind. Then she started beating me around my head and shoulders with her hands, because unfortunately for her, she shoved me so I fell on top of my purse. > > You know what? She was an incompetent criminal, and aside from bruises and scraped knees and a knot on my head, nothing she did was actually painful. I was still scared, _because_ she attacked me, violently, unexpectedly, with no provocation whatsoever. If you cannot easily see this as “substantially different” from the situation in the OP, it appears we do not agree on the basic definitions of common English words. [QUOTE=Chronos] The dad was trying to make a decision, but the son took that away from him. [/QUOTE] The son took certain alternatives away from the dad, but he certainly had options available other than calling the cops. Does anything in the OP suggest that the father had reason to fear for his or his son’s immediate safety? Is there any reason to believe that the kid was never going to return home, at which time both dad and son would have had time to cool off and consider their options? ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/77 "2010-07-07T19:46:10Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > This creates another interesting question - how common is it for fathers and sons to come to blows during a fight/disagreement? > > My brother and my father have never even had a verbal confrontation, let alone a phyiscal one. According to my father he never had a confrontation with my grandfather either. My fiance never got physically violent with his dad even though his dad was a drunk for the last 5 years of his life. In fact I’ve only been close to one man in my life who ever had a physical confrontation with their father and he was an incredibly gentle soul whose father came after him one day over a financial issue. Then again my experience is certainly not universal so I can’t say for sure what happens in society at large so I can’t say this isn’t common behavior either. I’m also agog at the thought that father-son hitting/shoving/whatever is anything in the realm of sort of normal or acceptable. The only time I know of this happening among people I know was an emotionally and physically abusive father hitting his family; he tried to punch his then-teenage son, who caught the punch and snarled that he’d better never try anything like that again. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/78 "2010-07-07T19:49:29Z")
> [@In\_Winnipeg](#): > > I’m with dad; mom and the rest of the family are obviously in denial over the whole thing. > > Sounds to me like Junior was a little overindulged as a child and it’s all gotten out of hand to the point where he feels he can do anything he wants now. > > I’ve seen it before, believe me. Yeah, but none of that is presented in the OP. It sure would be nice if **Figure9** would stop back in and fill in some details. But absent that, for all we know the kid was on the honor roll, a star athlete, altar boy and eagle scout who donated time to various charitable causes. But he simply sold some pot - either for money or to support his smoking, and when he got caught he was scared and confused and did something stupid. Most likely, he’s not at either of the extremes, but instead is somewhere along the “normal-ish” range for teenagers. On countless occasions I have been a total hardass towards my kids. But even for me, calling the cops in this incident is sure bringing in the big guns with insufficient provocation. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/79 "2010-07-07T19:50:33Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > The son took certain alternatives away from the dad, but he certainly had options available other than calling the cops. Does anything in the OP suggest that the father had reason to fear for his or his son’s immediate safety? Is there any reason to believe that the kid was never going to return home, at which time both dad and son would have had time to cool off and consider their options? I guess you either missed or totally ignored my post #46 where I layed out the risks the son placed upon the family by leaving with the pot. A loose loose “choice” aint much of a “option”. Tough titties for the son if the father decided that OVERALL for the the dad, the mom, the FAMILY, and possibly even the son for that matter that the safer bet was the one in which he calls the cops. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871/80 "2010-07-07T19:53:22Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > If you cannot easily see this as “substantially different” from the situation in the OP, it appears we do not agree on the basic definitions of common English words. Explain, then. I was shoved, and fell to the ground as a result. Dad was shoved, and fell to the ground as a result. How is this not the same thing? One could even argue that being shoved over a chair is more violent, given the increased possibility of striking the chair on the way down and getting additional injuries from that as well as from landing on the ground. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calling-the-cops-on-your-child/545871.md?page=5)