# Calvinball 2019 Tournament of Absolute Champions of the Universe! **URL:** \ **Category:** Thread Games\ **Created:** [June 25, 2019, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026 "2019-06-25T12:52:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![CaptainSnazzy7402](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/captainsnazzy7402/32/57_2.png) [@CaptainSnazzy7402](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaptainSnazzy7402)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2019, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/41 "2019-06-27T17:21:12Z")
Captian Snazzy, voice worn out from singing praises, quietly grabs a leaf blower and switches it on, blowing the Calvinball into another yard. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2019, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/42 "2019-06-27T18:11:25Z")
**Annie-Xmas** goes into other yard to retrieve ball, only to have owner scream at her “Get off my lawn.” Hilarity ensues and she gets awarded 100 points. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2019, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/43 "2019-06-27T18:23:14Z")
**kenobi 65** snaps out of the hypnosis. Still a velociraptor, he leaps into the crabby neighbor’s lawn, messily devouring her for 10,000 points, and earning a standing ovation from the crowd. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2019, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/44 "2019-06-27T19:42:35Z")
thorny locust wanders back onto the field, checks the ball, concludes it’s not ready yet for harvest, and applies fertilizer, with a little inadvertent assistance from the velociraptor and the wonder mutt. This would definitely be against organic certification rules, but hey, this is Calvinball. 27 points, with a 6 gazillion point bonus added for yuck factor. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2019, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/45 "2019-06-28T04:46:51Z")
**Elendil’s Heir** flashes his Mr. Yuck lapel pin as he grabs the ball, brushing off the fertilizer as he skips merrily towards the Early Friday Superduper Big Score spot, landing on it with both feet. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2019, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/46 "2019-06-28T15:09:20Z")
Using the patented **Border Collie Stare** [sup]TM[/sup], **wonder mutt** paralyzes the opposing team’s tiger, giving his teammates ample time to…SHIT! EVERYONE ON THE FIELD IS HYPMOTIZED! There’s no one to field the ball! Well, I got all day. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2019, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/47 "2019-06-28T16:51:23Z")
**Elendil’s Heir** overcomes his hypmotizm, runs over, grabs the ball from **btw** , and whistles the piccolo part from “The Stars and Stripes Forever,” earning an automatic eight trillion points. ---
**Author:** ![Nonsuch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonsuch/32/2922_2.png) [@Nonsuch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nonsuch)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2019, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/48 "2019-06-28T17:23:30Z")
**Nonsuch** jumps three times on the Circle of Japes, requiring **Elendil’s Heir** to either tell a joke or else forfeit his last score. ---
**Author:** ![CaptainSnazzy7402](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/captainsnazzy7402/32/57_2.png) [@CaptainSnazzy7402](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaptainSnazzy7402)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2019, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/49 "2019-06-29T04:48:32Z")
Using basic English, history, advanced calculus, and advanced chemistry, CaptainSnazzy transforms his leafblower into a jetpack! Flying quickly to the Calvinball, he grabs it, flies into the air and lands a perfect backflip making his score increase by a quintillion! ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2019, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/50 "2019-06-29T14:08:06Z")
**Annie-Xmas** grabs ball, drops trou, sticks ball in butt checks, blows perfect fart that sends ball into Gross Zone for 144 points. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2019, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/51 "2019-06-30T13:49:25Z")
**Hobbes** , now grown inexplicably to giant size, runs out on the field and smooches **Annie-Xmas**. The ball bounces off a runcible tree and returns to play. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2019, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/52 "2019-06-30T14:01:59Z")
thorny locust reappears, assesses the condition of the ball, concludes that it’s had enough fertilizer and waters it well with clean water; since she made sure the water was clean, this washes it into the 20C License Zone for 2000 points. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2019, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/53 "2019-07-01T15:38:34Z")
**Intergalactic Gladiator** kicks the ball between the runcible tree and the red wagon, noowww evvveryonnnnee haaaas toooo goooo in slooooow moooootion. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2019, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/54 "2019-07-01T16:10:29Z")
**Annie-Xmas** hoppps iiiiiinnnnntttoooo rrrrrreeeedddd wwwwwaaaagggggoooonnnn, ttttuuuurrrnns mmmoooottttiiiiioooonnnn ddddiiiaaaalll uuuuuppppp tttttoooo LIGHT SPEED, AND FLIES THOUGHT GOAL POSTS, scooring 211 points… ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2019, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/55 "2019-07-04T15:24:00Z")
…and another excellent annual game of Calvinball comes to an end, 'cause Mom is calling us in to dinner. Well played everyone, and root beer floats for all! And the Pepperdrone will be bringing Annie-Xmas the perfectly cromulent misopterator with all the attachments sometime this weekend. Flee for your life! ---
**Author:** ![boson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boson/32/11407_2.png) [@boson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boson)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2019, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/56 "2019-07-07T23:40:45Z")
boson sez “It’s my ball and I’m going home,” grabs the ball but, ten steps later, smells something, realizes where the ball has been, drops it and starts crying. 0.25 points. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2019, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/57 "2019-07-08T00:11:37Z")
Hey, I washed it off! ---
**Author:** ![Nonsuch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonsuch/32/2922_2.png) [@Nonsuch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nonsuch)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2019, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026/58 "2019-07-08T03:47:45Z")
Great game, everyone! I hear Susie Derkins is having a tea party with Mr. Bun. Let’s all be t-rexes and smash it up! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-2019-tournament-of-absolute-champions-of-the-universe/836026.md?page=2)