# Calvinball, anyone? **URL:** \ **Category:** Thread Games\ **Created:** [December 18, 2008, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764 "2008-12-18T17:01:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![slitterst](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecc23a/32.png) [@slitterst](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slitterst)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/61 "2008-12-19T16:22:14Z")
Aha! You fell for the classic change-the-locker-room-sign-to-read-Stupendous-Score-Zone gambit! I snatch the ball as you slip on the soap in the shower and sprint towards the _real_ Score Zone! ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/62 "2008-12-19T16:52:23Z")
> [@slitterst](#): > > Aha! You fell for the classic change-the-locker-room-sign-to-read-Stupendous-Score-Zone gambit! > > I snatch the ball as you slip on the soap in the shower and sprint towards the _real_ Score Zone! Yes, but it’s Opposite Hour. You’re actually running _away_ from the real Score Zone. I’m in the real one though–throw the ball to me and I’ll split the 23.765Q points with you. ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/63 "2008-12-19T16:54:43Z")
> [@slitterst](#): > > Aha! You fell for the classic change-the-locker-room-sign-to-read-Stupendous-Score-Zone gambit! > > I snatch the ball as you slip on the soap in the shower and sprint towards the _real_ Score Zone! Ooops. Sorry. I didn’t _mean_ for you to trip on the wire I strung across the bathroom threshhold. I bend, pick up the ball and walk to the\* REAL \*\*real\*score zone. ---
**Author:** ![TheVioletCreep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eb8c5e/32.png) [@TheVioletCreep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheVioletCreep)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/64 "2008-12-19T19:23:40Z")
The use of the same word twice in a sentence, consecutively, constitutes that I now have the ball and will proceed to romance it into the nearest goal, by way of my magic rice pilaf. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/65 "2008-12-19T19:36:35Z")
Clearly you can’t “romance” an inanimate object like a ball. My trained T.Rex strafes you from his customized F-15, and I scoop up the ball from your limp hands and run it in for the goal. Yay me! ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/66 "2008-12-19T19:43:33Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Clearly you can’t “romance” an inanimate object like a ball. My trained T.Rex strafes you from his customized F-15, and I scoop up the ball from your limp hands and run it in for the goal. Yay me! You ran through the wrong goal. Subtract pi from your score and put the ball back in play. ---
**Author:** ![TheVioletCreep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eb8c5e/32.png) [@TheVioletCreep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheVioletCreep)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/67 "2008-12-19T19:48:16Z")
By using the term pi without any reference to Shakespeare whatsoever, you’re shoes have been taken and you can’t hold the bald whilst wearing only argyle socks, you must hand it over to me, so I can then bounce it into the goal for an extra nineteen points, plus four because it’s Friday at 2:48pm est ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/68 "2008-12-19T20:11:37Z")
For misspelling “your” and “ball,” you lose possession and your points are nullified. Hobbes and I grab the ball and score AGAIN! ---
**Author:** ![fachverwirrt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/94ad74/32.png) [@fachverwirrt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fachverwirrt)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/69 "2008-12-19T20:20:08Z")
Anthropomorphic tigers named for English philosophers are against the rules during the waning moon. You are hereby sentenced to three hours in the penalty ditch, where you must sing Wagner, accompanied by accordion and hurdy-gurdy. I snatch the now freely available ball and hide inside a hideously deformed snowman, giving myself 12 Gooey Kablooie points. ---
**Author:** ![WormTheRed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/bbe5ce/32.png) [@WormTheRed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WormTheRed)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/70 "2008-12-19T20:56:27Z")
But I melt you and your snowman with my sunray, giving me ample oppurtunity to get the ball, the flag AND the goat. Then I ride the goat towards the flag zone! ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2008, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/71 "2008-12-20T17:38:47Z")
> [@WormTheRed](#): > > But I melt you and your snowman with my sunray, giving me ample oppurtunity to get the ball, the flag AND the goat. > > Then I ride the goat towards the flag zone! Ha gottcha!! Rule Eleventy-Seven clearly states that hooved creatures are strictly forbidden, especially whilst wearing a pink tiara as you currently are. Rule Eleventy-Seven sub-paragraph 12,890(a) section 87 , sub-sections(g, m, u) state that all points accrued by every player thus far must be turned over to myself for pointing out such an alarming breach of rule etiquette such as stated in rule Eleventy-Seven. I waltz into the endzone and score infinity points plus double infinity points for taking everyone elses points. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2008, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/72 "2008-12-20T18:44:06Z")
Calvinball Rules Lawyers are to be sauteed in garlic, sprinkled with tabasco sauce, and roasted slowly over open flames (this according to Appendix X3 of the official Calvinball rule book, which can be ordered on Amazon for only $159.99!). After this deed is done, I inherit the Holy Gourd (which is the transmogrified flag), shake it over my head while saying “OokaShakaOokaShaka! OogOogOog!”, thus earning myself infinity divided by zero points. ---
**Author:** ![WormTheRed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/bbe5ce/32.png) [@WormTheRed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WormTheRed)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2008, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/73 "2008-12-20T18:56:58Z")
Considering you forgot the rest of the [lyrics](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gxSxoEA2TA), you have to forfeit all points (bar the zero). I on the other hand, get instant access and have myself beamed to the goal post! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/74 "2008-12-21T16:06:04Z")
I lead the Official Calvinball All Bassoon/Cello/Didgeridoo & Nose Flute Marching Band across the turf. We are playing the “Wiffenpoof Song”. Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/75 "2008-12-21T16:23:56Z")
I set up my beam interruptor thingie and blast. You drop in place, shake out your lovely hair and walk away in shame. I kick the ball through the goal. The crowd cheers. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/76 "2008-12-21T16:26:49Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > I lead the Official Calvinball All Bassoon/Cello/Didgeridoo & Nose Flute Marching Band across the turf. > > We are playing the “Wiffenpoof Song”. > > Carry on. Well, obviously it’s five-eighths time (what, you thought Calvinball would have anything as obvious as halftime?), so all players are enjoying a bit of a break. Oh, what the hell. It’s Calvinball, there is no referee the start the game again, and I’ll score by surprise. I run onto the field, grab the flag, and kick the ball towards the Mega-Score Zone. Woo-hoo! Megapoints for me! ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/77 "2008-12-21T20:09:08Z")
> [@](#): > > Well, obviously it’s five-eighths time (what, you thought Calvinball would have anything as obvious as halftime?), so all players are enjoying a bit of a break. > > Oh, what the hell. It’s Calvinball, there is no referee the start the game again, and I’ll score by surprise. I run onto the field, grab the flag, and kick the ball towards the Mega-Score Zone. Woo-hoo! Megapoints for me! Awwww. It’s the Sunday rule. Off to the penalty box for you and all your points are discarded. 6 points for me. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/78 "2008-12-22T13:34:46Z")
But now it’s Monday, which happens to also be the day after Yesterday. Any points scored Yesterday must be forfeited and re-directed to the scoring pile amassed by the first person to post on the day before Tomorrow. Tricky but often mis-understood rule, I know. ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/79 "2008-12-22T13:58:52Z")
Of course, stating the “Day after yesterday” rule was the secret phrase to unleash the Horrors lurking Beneath the Earth™, this, of course, splits the playing field into multiple large skylands (a.k.a. Sky Islands). I take the newly formed energy orb after destroying all balls, flags, and pucks and fly towards the Hidden Palace on the master island on my Platinum Drake to place the orb in the Great Jewel thereby achieving ultimate power, advancing the game to round 2 and giving me a score of FNARK/JIFUINCE. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/80 "2008-12-22T14:15:28Z")
Ah, but to do that, you must first solve Fermat’s Last Theorem, and in the attempt your brain goes kablooie. I retake the lead after solving a scrambled 5 x 5 Rubik’s Cube in 9 seconds flat, and scamper off into the woods with my prize, a weekend in the Adirondacks with Zooey Deschanel. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764.md?page=5)