# Calvinball, anyone? **URL:** \ **Category:** Thread Games\ **Created:** [December 18, 2008, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764 "2008-12-18T17:01:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/81 "2008-12-22T14:16:58Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > Of course, stating the “Day after yesterday” rule was the secret phrase to unleash the Horrors lurking Beneath the Earth™, this, of course, splits the playing field into multiple large skylands (a.k.a. Sky Islands). I take the newly formed energy orb after destroying all balls, flags, and pucks and fly towards the Hidden Palace on the master island on my Platinum Drake to place the orb in the Great Jewel thereby achieving ultimate power, advancing the game to round 2 and giving me a score of FNARK/JIFUINCE. While attempting to delicately remove the flag from your sleeping person I awaken you from your dream, grab the flag, and continue unabated to the endzone and score several points. No napping in Calvinball!!! ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/82 "2008-12-22T14:17:34Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > Of course, stating the “Day after yesterday” rule was the secret phrase to unleash the Horrors lurking Beneath the Earth™, this, of course, splits the playing field into multiple large skylands (a.k.a. Sky Islands). I take the newly formed energy orb after destroying all balls, flags, and pucks and fly towards the Hidden Palace on the master island on my Platinum Drake to place the orb in the Great Jewel thereby achieving ultimate power, advancing the game to round 2 and giving me a score of FNARK/JIFUINCE. Note to self: avoid the Hallucinogenic Zone. Sure, there are plenty of points for the taking, but speaking for myself, I’m not sure if that’s how I want to get them. Okay, let’s go. I’m going to use a baseball bat to hit the ball towards the Blue Flag Zone. Since I make it, I’m getting 427 Blue points, plus the 85-point Baseball bonus, and since it’s Monday, those points increase by one-third. Hooray! ---
**Author:** ![slitterst](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecc23a/32.png) [@slitterst](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slitterst)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/83 "2008-12-22T14:21:14Z")
Aha! Rule Eleventy-teen states that on the last Monday in December, all points are awarded to the next poster. I take the point lead! ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/84 "2008-12-22T14:35:16Z")
> [@slitterst](#): > > Aha! Rule Eleventy-teen states that on the last Monday in December, all points are awarded to the next poster. I take the point lead! Except, if it’s the first Monday before Christmas, which means the _next_ poster gets double plus 9/8ths points. ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/85 "2008-12-22T15:54:43Z")
I hereby invoke rule 87 which states: _On the 4th Monday of any month, anyone with a 4 letter name automatically wins_. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/86 "2008-12-22T16:43:45Z")
> [@jali](#): > > I hereby invoke rule 87 which states: > > _On the 4th Monday of any month, anyone with a 4 letter name automatically wins_. Except you forgot that the four letter name must rhyme with _“poop”_. You trip over your shoe laces, drop the flag, and I gather it up and head towards home plate. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/87 "2008-12-22T20:01:52Z")
> [@Uncommon\_Sense](#): > > While attempting to delicately remove the flag from your sleeping person I awaken you from your dream, grab the flag, and continue unabated to the endzone and score several points. > > No napping in Calvinball!!! You forfeit - 1 zillion points for not responding to the most recent post (mine), even if it was posted a kabillionth of a second before yours. 😃 > [@Uncommon\_Sense](#): > > Except you forgot that the four letter name must rhyme with _“poop”_. > You trip over your shoe laces, drop the flag, and I gather it up and head towards home plate. “Goop.” [Which is the name of a [heavy duty hand soap](http://catinallity.com/images/groomers_goop.jpg), I’ll let you know.] **US** steps on what he thinks is home plate, but it is instead a land mine which blows him sky-high. I grab the falling flag (which turns into a minature plastic model of a sperm whale at its apex), make various whale noises, and thus get 999,999 smackeroos, which are the only things which count towards your score now. ---
**Author:** ![WormTheRed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/bbe5ce/32.png) [@WormTheRed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WormTheRed)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/88 "2008-12-22T20:19:08Z")
You think that, do you! Ha! Good think I’ve got my harpoon handy, hitting the whale while diving and grabbing the flag (which now looks like a cute little [puppy](http://markferrer.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/cute-puppy-dog-wallpapers.jpg)) So holding the puppy in my hands, I do a scrimmage for the end zone! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/89 "2008-12-22T23:34:29Z")
I lead the Official Calvinball All Bassoon/Cello/Didgeridoo & Nose Flute Marching Band **back** across the turf. We are playing the “Swing Low, Sweet Cadillac”. Damn the mutinous lubbers that don’t applaud, arrr. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/90 "2008-12-22T23:46:57Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > I lead the Official Calvinball All Bassoon/Cello/Didgeridoo & Nose Flute Marching Band **back** across the turf. > > We are playing the “Swing Low, Sweet Cadillac”. > > Damn the mutinous lubbers that don’t applaud, arrr. Oh, great. The mandatory Marching Band break, when we all have to freeze in place and applaud the Marching Band, unless we are willing to risk losing 42.739 Green Flag Points. I don’t have the ball or the flag, Green Flag points are precious, and mine are low, so I’m applauding. ---
**Author:** ![slitterst](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecc23a/32.png) [@slitterst](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slitterst)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2008, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/91 "2008-12-23T01:58:07Z")
I realize too late that “Swing Low, Sweet Cadillac” is the song that makes the Drum Major an eligible player. I dive for his ankles as he scoops up the CalvinBall and heads for… ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2008, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/92 "2008-12-23T02:01:57Z")
…jali. A lot of stuff happens then…she wins! Yay! ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2015, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/93 "2015-12-20T23:55:48Z")
But, since you haven’t been online in 6 months, you forfeit your trophy (and the flag). I hereby toss the flag up into the air for grabs… ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/94 "2015-12-21T00:06:42Z")
Ah, I grab the flag with my patented Peppergundam Anti-Zombie tongs and run widdershins to the side porch. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/95 "2015-12-21T03:20:25Z")
…where your shadow is snagged on the Delay-of-game Holly Bush. You are stuck there until your mom comes to pick the holly for Xmas wreaths. The flag hangs suspended in mid-air. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/96 "2015-12-21T13:36:16Z")
With deft legerdemain, I grab the flag, whip it around rapidly in the air 3 times-and produce 3 identical flags! Can anybody guess which one is the real one, as I scamper off? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/97 "2015-12-21T14:08:00Z")
Who cares? I send out a fleet of Pepperdrones (candy cane-striped, for the holidays) to remotely grab all of them while I hurry up Mom, who’s taking her sweet time picking the holly, let me tell you. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/98 "2015-12-21T19:37:50Z")
OH, NO! it’s Rosalyn, the babysitter! All play ceases until all _gurlz_ have left the vicinity. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/99 "2015-12-22T01:07:02Z")
I summon the snow goons to remove the offending females, and play resumes. ---
**Author:** ![fachverwirrt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/94ad74/32.png) [@fachverwirrt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fachverwirrt)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764/100 "2015-12-22T02:09:16Z")
I deliberately misread that as “play resumés” and disqualify you because we’re playing Calvinball, not resumés, and anyway “play resumés” doesn’t make any sense. I now lead by exactly .99999… points. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-anyone/477764.md?page=6)