# Calvinball Begins! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 10, 2001, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429 "2001-01-10T23:46:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/61 "2001-01-12T17:06:28Z")
Oops. I was just showing off for the women 😛 But I’ll be more careful in the future. ---
**Author:** ![Tygr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/df788c/32.png) [@Tygr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tygr)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/62 "2001-01-12T17:30:56Z")
by some sort of owlish caterwauling. He stretches and yawns, displaying two magnificent pairs of canines. He observes **Wolverine** crouched at the front of his sleep-corner, warily peering down the hall. Tygr silently gets into a crouch, his body coiled like a spring. Faster than lightning he launches himself at his quarry, catching Wolvie square in the back and carrying him twenty feet down the hall. Wolvie’s cap, shoes, and backpack go flying in all directions. Tygr brushes himself off and announces a point of order: _ **Attention, referees!** _ As team captain, I am making up the right to demand an accounting of the location of the ball, as well as team members, the current objective, penalties assessed, and time outs remaining! :: While a three-hour time-out is called by the referees to allow them to compare notes, count points and generally get their sh\*\* together, Tygr grabs the yellow flag, carries it across Team Calvin’s time-fracture wicket, and plants it in their “Enlightenment Zone”. Breaks into a funky-chicken dance as the “Tiger-cub Dancers” cheering and dance squad come out for smooches. :: Okay, by MY count that makes the score even at Q to 12! With eleventy-eight minutes to go in the seventh quarter, I call a team huddle! All squads check in! Time-travellers, space fiends, dinosaurs, and “slimy” girls to the side-oblongs. Kudos to **Spider Woman** for keeping our team well in the fight and medals all around for three well-fought first halves! Let’s keep it going! Huzzah! ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/63 "2001-01-12T17:54:18Z")
Thanks, **Tygr**! **Wolverine** was scaring me! ::audible sniffs:: ----:(/ ----///\\ Perhaps it’s time to enlist my army of virtual spider babies! ----:mad:/ ----///\\ -----\0/----\0/----\0/----\0/ ----///\-///\–///\–///\\ ad infinitum ---
**Author:** ![orion007](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e480ec/32.png) [@orion007](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/orion007)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/64 "2001-01-12T18:12:24Z")
[hijack]Hey, if _my_ calvinball is one of the fake ones, then how come it rolled away?? Oh well… I’ll just ignore that for now.[/hijack] * * * “Hellooooooooooo? Anybody??” Orion calls out into the dusty air of planet X-13. The three suns cast a blinding light over the red soil of the planet. Orion whips out her Transmogrification gun just in case. She walks. And walks. And walks. All of a sudden, she sees a shape coming at her from over the horizon. The dust makes it impossible for her to figure out what it is. It draws nearer at an alarming speed… ---
**Author:** ![Wolverine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ba9def/32.png) [@Wolverine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolverine)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/65 "2001-01-12T18:26:40Z")
Unfortunately, I teleported and left a dummy in my place. Tygr was so intent on the hunt he did not notice how lifeless the dummy was. ::Realizing he won’t be back til Sunday, **Wolverine** teleports to the Calvinball, steals it, and teleports over to the gym. He then hides with the other balls and leaves. Only he knows which one it is.:: ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/66 "2001-01-12T18:31:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tygr \* > Faster than lightning he launches himself at his quarry, catching Wolvie square in the back and carrying him twenty feet down the hall. Are you, perhaps, a sabre-toothed Tygr? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/67 "2001-01-12T18:41:25Z")
**Balance** sighs, readjusts his calvinball detector (which looks a lot like the PKE meter from “Ghostbusters”, while **Balance** looks nothing like Egon), turns around, and leads the team off toward the gym. “I hate teleportation.” ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/68 "2001-01-12T18:42:20Z")
> [@](#): > > . . .webbing them into **three dimensionality** as they are printed. > > These copies, with their web enhancement, will stick to the hands of anyone who touches them ( **but not the floors, ceilings or walls** ). . . **Spidey’s** army of baby spiderlings creeps up behind **Wolverine** and pounces on him, webbing him (or a reasonable facsimilie) into immobility. They soccer kick the ball down the long threads of the SDMB, and spirit it away. ----:p/ —///\\ ---
**Author:** ![idiotboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@idiotboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/idiotboy)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/69 "2001-01-12T19:12:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tygr \* > **Attention, referees! As team captain, I am making up the right to demand an accounting of the location of the ball, as well as team members, the current objective, penalties assessed, and time outs remaining!** Being the godly ref I am, I know the **location on the ball** , however, I’m not telling you where it is. It wouldn’t make the game very fun if I did, now would it? So, go find it, you lazy bastard! I know where **all team members are** , whether in this realm or not…I know the whereabouts of all competitors as well as my fellow refs. (_waving_ How ya doin’ guys? 🙂 ) However, again, I’m not telling you where they are, because it would thwart all neatly planned ambushes that I might find highly amusing. You wouldn’t want to the bore us refs now, would you? We may feel the need to blow the whistle more often…just to keep some sanity in our otherwise useless lives. The **current objective** , as stated in the beginning, is simply to _find Cecil_. The ball is totally irrelevant currently, and is only being used as a distraction, while there is only one player who truly understands and is closer than anyone else to completing the first objective…but I won’t tell who he/she/it is… As far as **penalties assessed** , you folks are being way too clean and nice to each other for us refs to be blowing our whistles endlessly. _NO_ penalties have been assessed this far. I want a nasty dirty fight people! Come on, rough it up out there. **Time outs**?!?! There is no such thing. If you need to tinkle, just go to the little boys/girls/felines room and do it. No need to stop everyone else from having fun while you’re relieving yourself. So, **Tygr** , because I am now bored… _blows whistle_ Penalty called on **Tygr** : Annoying the ref with silly demands You must write your next 3 posts in pig latin. _resume play_ ---
**Author:** ![Tygr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/df788c/32.png) [@Tygr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tygr)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/70 "2001-01-12T19:32:12Z")
ou-Yay… ---
**Author:** ![Tygr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/df788c/32.png) [@Tygr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tygr)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/71 "2001-01-12T19:35:21Z")
an-cay… ---
**Author:** ![Tygr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/df788c/32.png) [@Tygr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tygr)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/72 "2001-01-12T19:40:32Z")
iss-kay y-may… ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/73 "2001-01-12T19:45:50Z")
how’s that sonnet coming? ----:p/ ----///\\ ::webs **idiotboy** ’s shoelaces together, dashes off. ---
**Author:** ![idiotboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@idiotboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/idiotboy)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/74 "2001-01-12T19:45:56Z")
Fair enough. Penalty duly served. Now, don’t question my authorit- **eye** again. I know the status of the game…you don’t. That’s the way it should be. 😃 \“_Game on!_”\ ---
**Author:** ![Wolverine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ba9def/32.png) [@Wolverine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolverine)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/75 "2001-01-12T20:10:47Z")
Spider Women, immobalizing someone who can teleport is just not going to work. ::Teleports himself out of the cocoon.:: ::Unfortunately, his clothes are left behind.:eek::: ::Teleports back home for the next couple of days. I have to do laundry and that could take awhile.:: ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/76 "2001-01-12T20:17:35Z")
**Spidey** and the henchlings take Wolverine’s clothing to make a scarecrow for the cyberhallway. ----:p/ ----///\\ While doing this, they lose track of the Calvinball. . . (So who says spiders have long attention spans?) ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/77 "2001-01-12T20:36:50Z")
**Balance** instant-counters **Wolverine’s** teleportation, resulting in a nude **Wolverine** running around the area. **Balance** calls [**jarbabyj**](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=1044871#post1044871) to deal with the situation. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/78 "2001-01-12T20:57:17Z")
Suddenly, **Balance** s screen goes blank… “WTF?” we hear… **blue screen of death** has arrived and you, my instigating little friend, are out of commission. I matters not that you claim to be using an apporved version, all the “fixed” bugs are back again and you are truly SOL. [sub]And BTW, you started it, otherwise, I’d probably leave you alone.[/sub] Now, where’s that ball? And what are all these little spiders doing around here? \ \ \ ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/79 "2001-01-12T21:17:03Z")
::gathers up little spider bodies, takes them to **Nymysys** , who has been given **Turpentine** ’s abilities. This is a pretty violent game y’all run here. ----:(/ ----///\\ ---
**Author:** ![dpr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dpr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dpr)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/80 "2001-01-13T00:57:09Z")
_gets emotional at the sight of the poor dead spiders_ Right. If that’s the way you’re gonna play… _gets subatomic particle recondenser out and locks and loads_ _uses the Calvinball Locater&Recaller [sup]TM [/sup] and once again has the real ball in his hands. Suddenly he gets a malicious grin on his face_ _activates his secret ability_ _chuckles_ _throws the ball high in the air and it lands at the feet of…_ ```auto 1978: Einstein's theory of relativity was officially reinstated , Grease and Saturday Night Fever, Oldscratch born, Garfield first appears, Diff'rent Strokes premiered on TV as did Dallas, Argentina won the soccer World Cup, "Space Invaders" computer game became the first video game mega-hit ``` [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429.md?page=5)