# Calvinball Begins! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 10, 2001, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429 "2001-01-10T23:46:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![kristoph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7cd45c/32.png) [@kristoph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kristoph)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 9:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/141 "2001-01-20T09:07:20Z")
ummm, sure man, here, have your ass, I didn’t realise I had it, how does one cope without with one’s ass by the way?? just curious. would be honoured to join the team **Mnementh** , I’ve kinda been wandering around here at a loss. I’ll watch your back while you have a power-kip there, and we’ll see who else shows up, maybe we could have a BBQ up here, some roof-top cricket maybe, the view’s great, …, wait up, no, find Cecil, that’s why we’re here, find Cecil **kristoph** _ducking as a high speed space craft fly-by’s the roof top, looping back around and heading straight towards the pair, smoke trailing from it’s beliegered hyper-drive transformers_ ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/142 "2001-01-20T13:37:58Z")
_grunt_ _mumble_ Damnit, how long was I out? _checks that his ass is still in place; sighs thankfully_ _gets slammed in the head by a passing spaceship and goes down like a pile of bricks_ “Hey, damnit, what the hell was that…?” _Shakes it off and stands up, sword in hand, waiting for the intrepid Spiff’s next pass…_ ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/143 "2001-01-20T15:18:29Z")
The evil **Arkon** , still knowing nothing of the Calvinball game floated through corridors filled with ice cream and baby spiders. After swerving to force flies into the spider webs (kids need their protein), he arrived at the personel records. _Soon_, he thought, _soon I’ll have Cecil’s address. With his advice I’ll divise the perfect plan for world domination. MWA-HA-HA!_ ---
**Author:** ![imthjckaz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/imthjckaz/32/3223_2.png) [@imthjckaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/imthjckaz)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/144 "2001-01-20T17:10:34Z")
Baby spiders start playing with the flies in their webs and sharing ice cream. **Spider Woman** reminds them not to play with their food. She and all the spiderlings and flies follow **ArkonDLoC** , who seems to have an idea to find Cecil. Spiders and flies surround him and practice diabolical laughter ::bwee tee hees:: ::buzzy bwah hazz:: and spiders chasing flies web all over everything in the room, making it impossible to open the personnel files. ----:p/ ----///\\ ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/145 "2001-01-20T17:13:59Z")
----:eek:/ ----///\\ The spider army was infiltrated my an **imthjckaz**! ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/146 "2001-01-20T17:18:17Z")
**Arkon** drew and lit a stick of incense, and used the smoke to drive away the flies. ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2001, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/147 "2001-01-21T00:23:00Z")
Mnementh, having waited stock still for several days for the returning pass of the intrepid Spiff’s little red ship, finally decides he isnt coming back, lowers his guard and turns to leave. And is promptly given a crushing blow to the back of the head by a little red spaceship. _Thwack!_ Consciousness fading… fading… fading… gone… \*\*Mnementh awakens to find himself in a beautiful garden, with plants and animals the likes of which he has never before seen. All the life is formed in gorgeous, bright colours; greens and reds and blues from all ends of the spectrum. The scent of the grass and flowers is overwhelmingly calming. Mnementh wanders forwards, in awe of his new surroundings, all his finely tuned senses taking in every bit they can of this joyous place. In wandering through the forest, Mnementh comes upon a narrow, babbling brook. He bends to drink, and the water tastes faintly sweet, and is incredibly refreshing. Just then a sound catches his attention to the water; As he takes a few steps back, a column of water rises from the brook and takes the shape of a beautiful woman. “Gasp!”, Mnementh gasped, “A water nymph!” The apparition smiled, (inasmuch as a water nymph can smile), and bespoke Mnementh; “To find that which you seek, you must first find his path; For he knows you seek him, and is moving always, always one step ahead, not just of you, but also of all the others on your quest. For His mind can conceive of anything and everything, and as you exist, so he knows all of what you do and flees.” With that, the nymph leaned forward and placed a kiss on Mnementh’s forehead, and dissapeared in a light so blinding and powerful it overwhelmed him; and he collapsed into darkness.\*\* Back on the roof, Mnementh, unconscious for several minutes, suddenly sits up so fast he nearly crushes the skull of **kristoph** , who was either worried about his new teammate, or else trying to steal Mnementh’s wallet. “Egad!” proclaimed the Lord of Blades; “I am, thus I can be seen. To find Cecil… I must _cease to exist!!_” ---
**Author:** ![Totoro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Totoro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Totoro)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2001, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/148 "2001-01-21T05:22:11Z")
Kaboom! Suddenly, a large horse has crashed through the ceiling! The initials SDMB - CA are branded on it’s ass. ---
**Author:** ![snac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90db22/32.png) [@snac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snac)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2001, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/149 "2001-01-21T06:03:40Z")
snac sees horse, tries to breathe deep in surprise, still no go…damn that sword… :::gasps::: What are you saying, totoro? That Cecil is a horse’s ass? ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2001, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/150 "2001-01-21T16:18:12Z")
Could this be Cecil’s mount? _Mnementh sheathes his sword and tries to jump onto the horse’s back_ ---
**Author:** ![snac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90db22/32.png) [@snac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snac)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2001, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/151 "2001-01-21T18:39:12Z")
::snac unsheathes his sword and tries to mount…:: ::changes mind at last second. Hot dolphin sex is MORE than enough, thankyouverymuch.:: ::oh, I am SO embarrassed:: ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2001, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/152 "2001-01-21T18:54:00Z")
Might I just comment… ew… ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2001, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/153 "2001-01-21T19:48:26Z")
**Spider Woman** , newly proclaimed [Baroness of All Eight-Legged Spidery Things](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=54055&pagenumber=5), gathers her spiderlings together and instructs them to web the pages of the [CalvinballBegins!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=54861) thread, thereby temporarily trapping those whose powers do not enable them to escape. ----:p/ ----///\\ Meanwhile, she and her henchlings swing their webs over to the [Comments on Cecil’s Columns](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/forumdisplay.php?forumid=1) forum to lie quietly in wait for signs of Cecil. ----\0/----\0/-----\0/----\0/—\0/ —///\–///\–///\–///\-///\\ Unfortunately, spider babies are not known for their abilities to lie quietly in wait, and start slinging [threads](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=56527) [at](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=56362) [each other](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=56146). ----:o/ ----///\\ **Spidey** is trying to restore order, but it is too late! **C K Dexter Haven** ejects the spider army for misbehavior, and they find themselves floating down [through](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/forumdisplay.php?forumid=3)[other](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/forumdisplay.php?forumid=7) [forums](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/forumdisplay.php?forumid=5). Several spider babies engage in great debates, others annoy everyone and sundry asking general questions, and yet others get their little butts barbecued. **Spidey** spends the rest of the day trying to gather them into a group. ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2001, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/154 "2001-01-21T22:44:08Z")
_Mnementh drops a small blade from his sleeve and cuts himself and the horse free and tries to ride off to wherever Cecil may be_ Okay horse… TO Cecil! _Horse dosnt budge_ Please? _nope_ With sugar on top? _Mnementh is promply bucked over the horse’s shoulders_ Damnit… ---
**Author:** ![Nymysys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f6c823/32.png) [@Nymysys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nymysys)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2001, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/155 "2001-01-21T23:04:50Z")
Oh, you guys were looking for CECIL! Sorry, should have told me. Who do you think was feeding me soup this whole time I was sick? :sweetie, the boards are calling you again: Okay, next objective? And I want my Nymkiss™ back, dammit! ---
**Author:** ![kristoph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7cd45c/32.png) [@kristoph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kristoph)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2001, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/156 "2001-01-22T01:48:28Z")
**kristoph** has decided that the roof is no longer a safe place to continue the search for Cecil, besides, no sign of the man up here anyways. bomb-diving space ships, team mates that don’t have the decency to lie still for another five minutes (I just wanted to see your driver’s license photo, I swear, that’s all!), and now a cannonballing steed. seeing **Mnementh** take flight after the animal (after all, this very well could be the lead to Cecil we’ve all been waiting for), **kristoph** takes his trusty stockwhip from his belt, and with a deafing ‘crack’, he plunges through the roof after the pair (hey, we all like to make an impressive entrance), after all, after **Mnementh** ’s last words, I’m a bit worried this is his attepmt to “cease to exist”. falling after them, he quickly discovers himself suspended in mid-air, doh, thinking to himself, “do I have clean underwear on???” ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2001, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/157 "2001-01-22T03:24:15Z")
I put out someone’s lungs, hacked my way to the roof of the building, got my cranium dented by a spaceship, almost had my wallet stolen by a teammate, decided that I had to cease existance, and was almost killed by a CA branded horse… And he was with Nym the whole time? Is she on my team? Cause if so, it’s okay. So… now what? _picks his teeth with a dagger_ ---
**Author:** ![kristoph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7cd45c/32.png) [@kristoph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kristoph)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2001, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/158 "2001-01-22T08:41:46Z")
well, just between you and me **Mnementh** , I think we should tie Cecil down while we have him here, nothing personal of course, just taken this much effort, we don’t want him slipping off again before the ref comes to make his ruling. I’m sure Cecil will understand. shame on **nymysys** for keeping him hidden, yeah for **nymysys** bringing him back!!! ---
**Author:** ![idiotboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@idiotboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/idiotboy)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2001, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/159 "2001-01-22T15:37:36Z")
Uhhhh…that’s not Cecil… _removes mask_ That’s David Hasselhoff!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! T’was but a decoy. No points for you… …the search for Cecil continues… _Hands out more ice cream just for the hell of it_ ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2001, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429/160 "2001-01-23T00:53:55Z")
_Mnementh ties Nymysys down (to prevent further hoaxes, of course), and curses and rants and raves while eating his ice cream and thinking of new ways to corner Cecil_ Maybe I was on track with that Ceasing to Exist thing. Damn horse, got me off the trail… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-begins/49429.md?page=9)