# Calvinball Will Never Die - The Abilities Thread
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [January 1, 2001, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008 "2001-01-01T18:52:28Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Totoro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Totoro)
#### Post date: [January 1, 2001, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/1 "2001-01-01T18:52:28Z")
Apparently, one of my Newb tasks is complete calvinball, So here it goes!
Teams: In astonishing \*\*BOLD!
TEAM CALVIN:
LurkerNoMore
Gadarene
Rysdad
ThinkSnow
SpinneZiege
snac
Girl Next Door
Screech-Owl
RunDogRun
Wolverine
Deacon’s Trucked
Dr. Pinky
WyldElf
Nymysys
TEAM HOBBES:
Guinastasia
DPR (The Interesting Guy I Can’t Seem To Meet!)
BlackClaw
Orion007
Kat
BagKitty
CykRider
Balance
Capacitor
Absoul
Turpentine
Spider Woman (Co-Captain)
Stupendous Man
Digital Muse
Tygr (Captain)
REFS: Iampunha, Idiotboy, and (because no one else will), me, Totoro.
Now post your abilities. Go forth my monkeys! HA HA HA
Oh, and the games location: The Straight Dope HQ. Try not to annoy Cecil, he’s working.
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### Author:  [@Totoro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Totoro)
#### Post date: [January 1, 2001, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/2 "2001-01-01T18:53:57Z")
I forgot to end the bold… stupid, stupid, stupid!
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### Author:  [@SpinneZiege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpinneZiege)
#### Post date: [January 1, 2001, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/3 "2001-01-01T19:21:00Z")
Ok, as mentioned before, I will be the Caffeinated Water Boy. I have the ability to chemically stimulate anyone who would like it (including myself). Once stimulated in this way, the player can accomplish multiple tasks per round, like Brian Boytano.
> [@](#):
>
> \*What would Brian Boitano do, if he was here right now?
> He’d make a plan and he’d follow through
> That’s what Brian Boitano’d do
>
> When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics
> Skating for the gold
> He did two salchows and a triple lutz
> While wearing a blindfold
>
> When Brian Boitano was in the Alps
> Fighting grizzly bears
> He used his magical fire breath
> And saved the maidens fair
>
> When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010
> He fought the evil robot king
> And saved the human race again
>
> So, what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today?
> I’m sure he’d kick an ass or two
> That’s what Brian Boitano’d do\*
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### Author:  [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/4 "2001-01-02T01:24:31Z")
I have the ability to activate every bug in a beta-version at once. I can also re-introduce bugs, or remove the fixes for them at will.
You will all fail! You cannot count on your equipment and you_will_ lose!
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### Author:  [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/5 "2001-01-02T02:26:35Z")
I have the ability to seduce all females with a single glimpse. That includes on my team and the opponents team. Once under my control…err umm, totally head over heels for me, they will do all the dirty work and I’ll get all of the glory. Oh, and I have no faults, my ego’s in check, and my head isn’t going to explode, I’m perfeckt. Oh wait, that’s pirfectt…no wait…
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### Author:  [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/6 "2001-01-02T03:35:20Z")
I want to retain my spider abilities, as demonstrated in [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=37646&pagenumber=1) thread.
This would include my tribe of spider babies, my ability to climb, weave webs and stick people together, and other spider type abilities (I think this arachnid thing is going to my head).
----:p/
----///\\
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### Author:  [@dpr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dpr)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/7 "2001-01-02T03:36:12Z")
What if I don’t want to reveal my ability until the game? Bring it forth during a crucial moment and ensure world domination for my team!!!
And \*\* cykrider \*\* what kind of ability is that?? Who would want to be able to control slimy girls? Eeeeeeeewwwwwww. You’ll get cooties…
And it’s nice to kind of meet you Totoro, though I fear I may not be as interesting as you seem to envisage.
```auto
1926: Woonie the Pooh first published (AA Milne of course), Heisenberg formulates his uncertainty principle (you either know or you don’t but it’s a fave of mine), Abe Saperstein created the Harlem Globetrotters, an all-black player basketball entertainment team, Spain threatens to quit the League of Nations if Germany is allowed to join, Born: Harper Lee, Marilyn Monroe, Hugh Hefner, Mel Brooks Died: Rudolph Valentino (peritonitis), Harry Houdini (gangrene and peritonitis resulting from a ruptured appendix)
```
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### Author:  [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/8 "2001-01-02T06:26:40Z")
I have the ability to temporarily change someone else’s ability to something of my choosing. This new ability will last several posts, and then the person can go back to their old ability. So don’t mess with me, or I’ll give you the spectacular skill of being able to sing every Broadway tune perfectly on-key!
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### Author:  [@fierra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fierra)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/9 "2001-01-02T10:37:49Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Gadarene \*
> \*\*I have the ability to temporarily change someone else’s ability to something of my choosing. This new ability will last several posts, and then the person can go back to their old ability. So don’t mess with me, or I’ll give you the spectacular skill of being able to sing every Broadway tune perfectly on-key! \*\*
aaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhh!!! the horror, the horror!
So glad I’m not playing, but can you issue the readers with earplugs?
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### Author:  [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/10 "2001-01-02T12:15:55Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Gadarene \*
> \*\*…So don’t mess with me, or I’ll give you the spectacular skill of being able to sing every Broadway tune perfectly on-key! \*\*
::mulls over many ways to mess with Gadarene::
I always wanted to sing Broadway stuff. 😃
I for one will have the ability to break any piece of mechanical equipment I am in contact with. Oh wait, I do that in real life.
Okay, then I can bat my really large sad eyes at anyone and instantly make the ref (or anyone on the other team) instantly forget that flagrant rule violation I just committed.
:: practices ::
bat bat bat bat
shy smile
**Spider Woman** , that is so cool! Aaah, wait, you’re not on my team!
::note to self - annoy Gadarene, but don’t piss off Spider Woman!::
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### Author:  [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/11 "2001-01-02T12:28:23Z")
As a spectator, I have the inherent ability to intrude on the game whenever the hell I damn well please, for whatever side I damn well please, in any manner I damn well please.
If and when I do intrude, I have the ability to stick both feet up my nose. Not very useful, no, but fun.
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### Author:  [@Blackclaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackclaw)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/12 "2001-01-02T13:56:31Z")
I have the ability to transmorgfy into a T-Rex. However, my actually size doesn’t change so I’m a very short T-rex. Also my arms grow too small to actually hold the Calvin Ball anymore. I can however bite whoever is holding it causing them to drop it.
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### Author:  [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/13 "2001-01-02T16:14:57Z")
I can raise my hand and deflect thrown/shot objects where I please.
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### Author:  [@rundogrun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rundogrun)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/14 "2001-01-02T17:16:04Z")
I have time travel underwear, capable of moving me forwards or backwards in time.
Let me demonstrate…I just traveled back in time to hide these water balloons.
::SPLOOSH!!::
::SPLOOSH!!::
heh, heh, heh.
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### Author:  [@Tygr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tygr)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/15 "2001-01-02T19:35:33Z")
My abilities spring (hooo - BAD pun! Down, boy!) from the amminals my name is inspired by:
-Bouncy, pouncy, flouncy, trouncy (fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!)
-Able to go from seemingly comatose to FULL POUNCE instantaneously
-Carnivorous
-“MY fuzzy mittens have pads!”
-Two words: “I’m HOOOOMMMEEEEAAAAAGHHH!”
-Will come up with the perfectly apropos ‘wry comment’ for any situation/utterance **or** , if I’m in the other persona, do something ridiculously silly and in-apropos.
Not to mention I’m the COOLEST lookin’ large Asian feline around…
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### Author:  [@Turpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turpentine)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/16 "2001-01-02T19:54:33Z")
Oh goody! I get to be on Stupendous Man’s team!
As i said before, my ability-
I’m a taxidermist. I can bring dead animals back to life. This should prove useful in re-animating all of Spiderwoman’s fearsome spiderlings.
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### Author:  [@idiotboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/idiotboy)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/17 "2001-01-02T20:05:28Z")
Hmmmm…can refs have special abilities, too?! 😃
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### Author:  [@orion007](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/orion007)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/18 "2001-01-02T20:08:22Z")
I have the Transmogrification gun!
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### Author:  [@Wolverine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolverine)
#### Post date: [January 2, 2001, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/19 "2001-01-02T21:43:09Z")
I have the ability of teleportation. This includes teleporting objects with me. (I want clothes) The max weight is 1000 lbs. so I can teleport me and 4 other people. As long as the ball doesn’t get too large, I can teleport that with me as well.
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### Author:  [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)
#### Post date: [January 3, 2001, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/calvinball-will-never-die-the-abilities-thread/48008/20 "2001-01-03T01:11:16Z")
I have the ability to become invisible, and thus hide and trip up people!
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