# Can a 6 year old handle a funeral? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 15, 2012, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082 "2012-12-15T02:19:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/21 "2012-12-16T15:58:45Z")
Depends on the child because it depends on the person. I’ve seen adults that couldn’t handle a funeral but typically the breakdown is of the parent or child of the deceased so these kids may handle it pretty well. ---
**Author:** ![Bartman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Bartman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bartman)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/22 "2012-12-16T16:59:52Z")
Six year olds are at the point where they may or may not be able to properly process death. They may consider it a temporary state, and they still engage in a lot of “magical thinking,” where they draw lines of cause and effect from the ether. For example a lot of kids after 9/11 expressed concern about skyscrapers, not because someone might topple them, but because building themselves became associated with death in their minds. My youngest was about 5 when his grandpa (mom’s dad) died. A few months later, we visited my parents. When he saw my dad, he burst out, “grandpa you’re alive!” and rushed to give him a hug. To him all grandpas were dead. But I think it is healthy and proper to have a kid attend wakes and funerals. Whatever their stage of understanding/development is, you need to let the kid go through the grieving process. But in this case **phall0106** is right. No way would I let my kid attend a public wake/funeral like these will be. It’ll be a circus, and I can’t imagine the kids will respond well to it. ---
**Author:** ![Lucky\_13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucky_13/32/13209_2.png) [@Lucky\_13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucky_13)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/23 "2012-12-16T17:40:43Z")
My daughter attended the viewing and funeral of her great-grandfather at age 4, as did her cousins, then ages 4 and 3. We walked up to the open casket and said goodbye, but I did not force her to touch or kiss the deceased. Everyone comported themselves well, and there were no (visible) breakdowns. What she remembers most about the viewing was the rabbits she and her cousins were chasing outside the funeral home. The funeral was closed casket, and we took the kids to McDonalds afterward. She understood that her great-grandpa had been sick and was now in heaven with Great-Grandma. She also attended my mother’s viewing and funeral earlier this year, as did her baby cousins. She was 10 at the time. It hit her harder, since she and Mom had been especially close. We all tried to hold it together, but could not. Even my dad tried to say a few words, but broke down and my 15-year-old niece had to go hug him and help him to his seat. My daughter sat with her father and paternal grandparents during the funeral service, and this comforted her. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/24 "2012-12-16T17:48:44Z")
Add me to the “it depends” camp: depends on the kid, depends on the deceased, the manner of the death (was it sudden or can we play the “she doesn’t hurt anymore” card?), depends on the relationships all 'round. My general recommendation for the run of the mill old family members death is to take them to the memorial/wake/service, but ask a friend to be on hand to take the child to another room and play with them if they can’t handle it. In the case of the CT shootings? Phew. I just don’t know. I’m thinking (hoping) that the community does some sort of mass memorial service with mental health professionals on hand for children and adults both. That I would take the kids to. Individual funerals? I’m not sure…I mean, this many kids, most of whom knew each other…what do you do when multiple classmates’ funerals are on the same day? No matter what they decide, it’s going to be questioned, and very likely resented and considered the wrong decision by at least some of these kids when they’re older. There’s just no way to win when there’s all this loss. > [@AnaMen](#): > > The inclination to hide the reality of death from young children seems strange to me. Why wouldn’t you want your child to learn about it as early as possible, since it is a natural and unavoidable thing? It can be hard in today’s day and age of small families. There just aren’t enough people in many kids’ lives to get this lesson in early. My daughter was 7.5 before someone in the family died. She still hasn’t had the opportunity to process the death of a person she’s \*close \*to. I tried to fill in the gap with pets. When my little one became very attached to her cat, I realized this could be an issue. I got her a little betta fish, figuring the fish would die first and be easier to process and learn the Everything Dies lesson from. Dang fished lived for 4 years. The cat died, unexpectedly and quickly (kidney failure) in 9 months! The best laid plans… Sometime later, my, I think, 4 or 5 year old daughter asked me why we had the fish. I told her, honestly, that I was hoping it would die before the cat so she could learn that things die. She thought about it a minute and said, “Well, that didn’t work. But thanks for trying.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/25 "2012-12-16T18:00:55Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > In the case of the CT shootings? Phew. I just don’t know. I’m thinking (hoping) that the community does some sort of mass memorial service with mental health professionals on hand for children and adults both. That I would take the kids to. Yes. This is too big for anything short of a community response. Even the best parents can’t weather this, for their kids and themselves, on their own. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/26 "2012-12-16T18:01:54Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > It can be hard in today’s day and age of small families. There just aren’t enough people in many kids’ lives to get this lesson in early. My daughter was 7.5 before someone in the family died. She still hasn’t had the opportunity to process the death of a person she’s \*close \*to. Yeah, it’s not like death is as pervasive as it used to be. I was 23 when someone close to me died (My best friend was killed in Afghanistan). I was 26 when my grandfather (who I was really close to) died. ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/27 "2012-12-16T18:37:50Z")
> [@Peremensoe](#): > > Yes. This is too big for anything short of a community response. Even the best parents can’t weather this, for their kids and themselves, on their own. Yes, there will need to be a big memorial service for the entire community. That’s what everyone is worried will be a trauma circus, though. If I were in charge, I’d suggest the families have individual funerals (or combine some, as they wish) and keep it limited to invited friends and family. Then they can pick how much they want to be involved with the memorial. ---
**Author:** ![half-elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@half-elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/half-elf)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/28 "2012-12-16T19:04:53Z")
Question from a non-American: is there actually such a thing as an invite-only funeral? In the culture I grew up in the wake and funeral are where you get to pay last respects and say goodbye so I can’t really get my head round someone being turned away at the gate because they aren’t invited. (Though I do get the point of wanting privacy in such a high-media case such as this.) ---
**Author:** ![Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e4f/32.png) [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Digital_is_the_new_Analog)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/29 "2012-12-16T19:28:26Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I’m thinking (hoping) that the community does some sort of mass memorial service with mental health professionals on hand for children and adults both. I helped with a charity event for an organization that specializes in helping children through the grieving process. One of the biggest things I learned was that children grieve very differently than adults. Having qualified mental health professionals, specifically ones who understand kids, is definitely a must. > [@half-elf](#): > > Question from a non-American: is there actually such a thing as an invite-only funeral? In the culture I grew up in the wake and funeral are where you get to pay last respects and say goodbye so I can’t really get my head round someone being turned away at the gate because they aren’t invited. > (Though I do get the point of wanting privacy in such a high-media case such as this.) Private funerals aren’t unheard of here. They are sometimes done for really high profile people, like celebrities. But generally speaking, funerals tend to be open for anyone who wants to attend and pay respect. -D/a ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/30 "2012-12-16T19:32:10Z")
> [@half-elf](#): > > Question from a non-American: is there actually such a thing as an invite-only funeral? In the culture I grew up in the wake and funeral are where you get to pay last respects and say goodbye so I can’t really get my head round someone being turned away at the gate because they aren’t invited. > (Though I do get the point of wanting privacy in such a high-media case such as this.) We’re a big country with lots of people and varied death observation traditions, so it will vary. If there’s a specific person that you don’t want at the funeral home, church or cemetary, and you’re the one paying the bill, the funeral home director, church official or cemetery management can be given a heads up and may, depending on the circumstances, provide some sort of security for you. This sometimes comes up when there’s an estranged family member (first spouse, abusive relative, etc.) who may show up and disturb other mourners with their presence. Most often the “security” is just the owner/manager/official quietly stepping up and providing a soothing sense of authority and asking the person to please leave now as their presence is not welcome. Or you can hire a private security firm to deal with it for you, and sometimes very rich people or public figures will do this. They do, indeed, sometimes have a guest list, and those not on it will be kept from entering. (This came up during Whitney Houston’s memorial service, I recall.) Funeral homes are private property, so a person who isn’t welcome can be charged with trespassing if they won’t leave when asked. And some American subcultures do most of the mourning in a private home, which is similarly protected by trespass laws. But at least some part of the mourning process is, generally, for all practical purposes, a public event. ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/31 "2012-12-16T19:34:10Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > But take a 6 year old into the middle of a media shitstorm? Along with the WBC? No thanks. Ugh, have the WBC said they’re going? I just… I can’t even. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/32 "2012-12-16T19:35:37Z")
> [@Feyrat](#): > > Ugh, have the WBC said they’re going? I just… I can’t even. _sigh_ Yes. Let’s hope they don’t show up, as they usually don’t show up. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/33 "2012-12-16T20:13:04Z")
> [@Feyrat](#): > > Ugh, have the WBC said they’re going? I just… I can’t even. They say they will be there as close to the school as possible when the president is there. And they’ll be there for the funerals. Of course you can never tell if they are telling the truth. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/34 "2012-12-16T21:04:41Z")
I assume most of the kids will attend the funerals since many of their parents appear to have no problem with the kids doing post-massacre media interviews. ---
**Author:** ![listedmia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e0b2c6/32.png) [@listedmia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/listedmia)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/35 "2012-12-16T22:00:09Z")
My mom died when I was 11. My sisters were 9 and 6. The funeral and wake were not too bad for us, I think. They had a room in the funeral home with toys where we and the younger cousins hung out for most of the time. One of my aunts asked if I wanted to kiss my mother’s body, which seemed like a really weird, pointless and nasty thing to do, but otherwise, it was ok. I attended a Catholic school which was attached to a church, and they had the funeral mass there. They brought in my 5th grade class from the school, but I don’t think my younger sister’s classes were there. It was a little weird seeing my classmates look at me with pity, but nothing major. The real bad part was dealing with the death itself. My mother had a long illness, and the months when we knew it was terminal were absolutely horrible. Seeing the woman who had helped raise me turn into a doped-out, helpless husk of a person was terrifying. The months and years afterward were also shitty for us, especially since no one in the family ever particularly wanted to talk about it. Anyways, I’m sure it’s the death itself that’s traumatizing for those children. Even if they weren’t in the room when the shooting happened, losing a bunch of their classmates is going to mess up their psyches for a long time. Whether or not they actually attend the funeral is probably not going to make the situation better or worse. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/36 "2012-12-16T22:21:25Z")
> [@listedmia](#): > > My mom died when I was 11. I’m sorry. I think it touches on an important distinction: whether it’s a normal, natural time for that person to die or not. Your mother is not supposed to die when you’re 11 (or 6), so it’s much more difficult. A grandparent is a more natural thing, and often handled that way by everybody else, so it’s less traumatic to go to their funeral, even if it is sad. For the children who will soon be dealing with the funerals of their friends, it will be awful because everybody’s grief is so strong, and it’s really not supposed to be like this. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2012, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/37 "2012-12-16T22:43:59Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > I assume most of the kids will attend the funerals since many of their parents appear to have no problem with the kids doing post-massacre media interviews. Have the kids _really_ been doing interviews? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2012, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/38 "2012-12-17T00:05:33Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Have the kids _really_ been doing interviews? :dubious: Yep. Not the way I would have gone. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2012, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/39 "2012-12-17T00:56:04Z")
> [@FlyByNight512](#): > > Yes, there will need to be a big memorial service for the entire community. That’s what everyone is worried will be a trauma circus, though. If I were in charge, I’d suggest the families have individual funerals (or combine some, as they wish) and keep it limited to invited friends and family. Then they can pick how much they want to be involved with the memorial. I imagine they will all have individual funerals. A community memorial is not a funeral, though, and the need for it is not met by any number of private events. I expect there will be no shortage of people ready to interpose themselves between the Westboro Baptist monsters and attendants, if necessary. As for media, I’d say the right approach is to ask for no live broadcasts, or interviews of any kind, from inside the event. But that’s up to them. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2012, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082/40 "2012-12-17T01:23:01Z")
I see there is a “vigil” tonight. The President will attend, which mandates media and brings a certain level of circusitude. OTOH it enforces a level of security and decorum which is to the good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-6-year-old-handle-a-funeral/644082.md?page=3)