# Can a bisexual be entirely satisfied in a monogamous relationship? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [January 2, 2006, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121 "2006-01-02T21:53:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/1 "2006-01-02T21:53:05Z")
I hope nobody gets mad over this thread. No moral judgment or homophobic (or whatever) sniping intended here, I am raising this question purely out of intellectual curiosity. OTOH, it’s obviously not suitable for GQ, so . . . A heterosexual male, to be content in a strictly monogamous relationship, has to settle for the One Woman he’s got, however attractive . . . however very, very [_sigh_] attractive might be so many others he sees every day. Many men find that an insuperable challenge, but many more seem to be able to meet it. At some level, a happily married man, in moments of temptation, might take a “They’re all the same with the lights out” attitude, at least toward the purely sexual aspect of the relationship (and for the rest, value his wife’s truly unique personality qualities, however annoying those might be at times). I suppose it’s pretty much the same for a gay man. Or a straight woman. Or a lesbian. But if you’re bisexual – can you ever be **entirely** satisfied with the One Partner you’ve got at home? Considering you like it with both sexes and your SO can offer you only, you know, just the **one.** ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/2 "2006-01-02T21:57:54Z")
I certainly don’t see why bisexuals would have any more trouble with monogamy than heterosexuals. It’s a question of attraction, not _need_. A heterosexual may be attracted to someone other than their partner but chose not to act on it. The same would be true with a bisexual, though they may have more people they could potentially be attracted to. ---
**Author:** ![vix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a88e4f/32.png) [@vix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vix)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/3 "2006-01-02T22:00:28Z")
Yeah, it’s pretty much what **Lissa** said. I am satisfied in my monogamous relationship and with my husband. Quite. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/4 "2006-01-02T22:13:40Z")
> [@vix](#): > > Yeah, it’s pretty much what **Lissa** said. I am satisfied in my monogamous relationship and with my husband. Quite. 😃 Well . . . With all due respect, that form of relationship conceivably, just conceivably, raises the additional question of whether your **husband** is entirely satisfied with **your** monogamy . . . 😉 OK, I’ll stop now. ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/5 "2006-01-02T22:16:34Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > But if you’re bisexual – can you ever be **entirely** satisfied with the One Partner you’ve got at home? Considering you like it with both sexes and your SO can offer you only, you know, just the **one.** To me, this is like asking “If you like both small and large breasts, can you ever be entirely satisfied with the One Partner? Considering you like two kinds of breasts and your SO can offer you only, you know, just the one”. In other words, being satisfied with one partner is no different for bisexuals than for monosexuals. ---
**Author:** ![Azadeh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/cab0a1/32.png) [@Azadeh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azadeh)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/6 "2006-01-02T22:17:02Z")
Yeah, what Lissa said. 🙂 I too am a bisexual and perfectly satisfied with my current relationship. I do know of bisexuals who have a sliver or more of preference for one sex or the other, so perhaps someone like that, in a monogamous relationship with the sex of non-preference (okay, I suck at phrasing) might be unsatisfied like you say? ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/7 "2006-01-02T22:34:20Z")
> [@Priceguy](#): > > To me, this is like asking “If you like both small and large breasts, can you ever be entirely satisfied with the One Partner? Considering you like two kinds of breasts and your SO can offer you only, you know, just the one”. Well, I guess you could marry a woman who has one big boob and one small one… ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/8 "2006-01-02T22:38:54Z")
> [@Thudlow Boink](#): > > Well, I guess you could marry a woman who has one big boob and one small one… Or a pre-op transexual . . . ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/9 "2006-01-02T23:10:44Z")
> [@Azadeh](#): > > I do know of bisexuals who have a sliver or more of preference for one sex or the other, so perhaps someone like that, in a monogamous relationship with the sex of non-preference (okay, I suck at phrasing) might be unsatisfied like you say? I have plenty more than a sliver of preference. I cannot say with confidence that it wouldn’t be a problem for me since I haven’t had a relationship with a person of the nonpreferential sex, but I highly doubt it. Everyone is attracted to someone else than their partner sometimes, but it doesn’t necessarily make them unsatisfied in their relationship. I guess that to me, gender just isn’t the big deal it seems to be to other people. Being attracted to a woman who isn’t your partner or a man who isn’t your partner - who cares? Same thing, different name. ---
**Author:** ![Azadeh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/cab0a1/32.png) [@Azadeh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azadeh)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/10 "2006-01-03T00:21:50Z")
> [@Priceguy](#): > > I have plenty more than a sliver of preference. I cannot say with confidence that it wouldn’t be a problem for me since I haven’t had a relationship with a person of the nonpreferential sex, but I highly doubt it. Everyone is attracted to someone else than their partner sometimes, but it doesn’t necessarily make them unsatisfied in their relationship. I too have a preference, and no problems with satisfaction in relationships with either men or women. It was just a thought. I think the way I see it is that being satisfied by someone of one sex is enough - it’s not like I have twice the needs of a heterosexual, or anything. > [@BrainGlutton](#): > > Or a pre-op transexual . . . I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to imply there, mister. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/11 "2006-01-03T00:32:44Z")
> [@Azadeh](#): > > I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to imply there, mister. 😛 Well, it’s something I’ve heard\* associated with the phrase, “The One-Stop Shop!” 🙂 \*Read, actually, in \*_Callahan’s Lady,_ by Spider Robinson – [http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671318314/qid=1136248165/sr=8-1/ref=pd\_bbs\_1/002-3755004-5176838?n=507846&s=books&v=glance](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671318314/qid=1136248165/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-3755004-5176838?n=507846&s=books&v=glance) The protagonist, Sherry, a, erm, freelance personal-comfort specialist in Brooklyn, says of the person so (self-)designated (it’s an advertising slogan, really), “We had an understanding. He stayed off my corner, and I let him remain a \*\*pre-\*\*op transsexual.” ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/12 "2006-01-03T00:33:50Z")
Maybe it’s different for other bisexuals, but for me, it’s not so much that I’m attracted to both genders, but rather that gender doesn’t factor into attraction for me very much at all. I do have a slight aesthetic preference for the female form over the male, but it’s not much different to me than prefering, say… blondes over brunettes. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/13 "2006-01-03T00:49:59Z")
Yes. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/14 "2006-01-03T04:21:37Z")
Of course. > [@Azadeh](#): > > I do know of bisexuals who have a sliver or more of preference for one sex or the other, so perhaps someone like that, in a monogamous relationship with the sex of non-preference (okay, I suck at phrasing) might be unsatisfied like you say? Considering that an equal attraction to both sexes is pretty rare (I’m thinking of a fellow from a newsgroup I used to post on, who called himself, rather twee-ly IMO, “the original Kinsey pi”), this is not a bad suggestion, but I do think it comes down to that kind of blondes vs. brunettes question. It wouldn’t be the determining factor for most bisexuals. ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/15 "2006-01-03T10:29:14Z")
Yes. Of course. If you’re in a monogamous relationship it is about much more than how much you fancy your partner. If you have agreed to a monogamous relationship and you don’t respect your partner enough to keep it in your pants when you’re tempted then you have much, much bigger issues going on than exactly who you decided to cheat on them with. If you can’t deal with monogamy, you shouldn’t be in that kind of relationship. If you need to be with more than one person, you should be in a relationship where you can do that openly and honestly. If it’s tougher to find a partner willing to do that than it is to cheat behind your husband or wife’s back…well that’s your problem. Using bisexuality as an excuse or explanation for cheating, because you “had to” is not only incredibly dishonest, but also very disrespectful to bisexuals in committed monogamous relationships. ---
**Author:** ![Sevastopol](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Sevastopol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sevastopol)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/16 "2006-01-03T14:59:01Z")
A bisexual woman, maybe. A bisexual man, no. Men are not made for monogamy, those that live it accept what fate offers. But entirely satisfied? No. ---
**Author:** ![Citizen\_Bob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@Citizen\_Bob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Citizen_Bob)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/17 "2006-01-03T15:33:10Z")
Have you ever seen ‘Chasing Amy’? Though I don’t always relate to the very funny, yet odd worldviews of Kevin Smith, I think he delivered some excellent fiction based loosely on this subject. Check out the synopsis: [http://www.viewaskew.com/chasingamy/](http://www.viewaskew.com/chasingamy/) ---
**Author:** ![shy\_kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@shy\_kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shy_kat)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/18 "2006-01-03T16:21:06Z")
Hmm. I’m a bisexual woman. On the one hand, I think that, yes, I could be happy in a monogamous relationship with my (female) partner forever. Also, FWIW, I “lean” toward women and I explicitly DON’T think I could be happy with a monogamous relationship with a guy. BUT I do feel like some real is gained by having both male and female “energies” in my life, if that’s an option. (I’m polyamorous, too.) I’m positive that the answer to the OP depends on the bi person in question. But I’m piping up as one example of happy with one, a bit happier with both. ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/19 "2006-01-03T19:37:49Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > But if you’re bisexual – can you ever be **entirely** satisfied with the One Partner you’ve got at home? Considering you like it with both sexes and your SO can offer you only, you know, just the **one.** A fair number of the bisexuals of my acquaintance don’t consider gender to be a particularly important factor in whether or not they form relationships. Some of those are monogamous, others aren’t. I also know a few bi folks who are interested in men _and_ interested in women. I have the impression that monogamy is more fraught for that situation, though I also know of bi folks of this persuasion who are in fact monogamous. Personally, I’m deeply uncomfortable with the whole concept of “can’t be entirely satisfied”, because it seems disrespectful of the relationships people have. It always leaves me with the feeling that having multiple relationships is presumed to be because of some sort of deficiency on the part of an extant one. (And I’ve seen people say, basically, “Oh, it’s okay if someone’s bi, because nobody can offer both a penis and a vagina, but bisexuals are the only people who have a good reason.”) ---
**Author:** ![kristis01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/43a26b/32.png) [@kristis01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kristis01)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/20 "2011-06-24T02:53:12Z")
I have to make a counterpoint to what others are saying. I think it can be difficult. I am a bisexual woman in a monogamous relationship with a man for 3 years. I am more attracted to men emotionally but lean to women sexually a bit more. So Yes, I do miss being with women, but it doesn’t make me less satisfied with my boyfriend. I find that my links to the LGBTQ community are not as close, and that I miss being part of it. When I stop to think about it, I feel like part of my identity as a person is dormant. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121.md?page=2)