# Can a bisexual be entirely satisfied in a monogamous relationship? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [January 2, 2006, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121 "2006-01-02T21:53:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![tim314](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim314/32/3468_2.png) [@tim314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim314)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2011, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/61 "2011-06-27T07:08:58Z")
> [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > No, my view is that these folks who “exist” aren’t truly bisexual. It would take a dissertation to fully explain my views. And I completely respect the views of others here. And it’s only an academic idea. "I have discovered an elegant proof that bisexuals do not exist. Unfortunately the margins of this message board are too narrow to contain it . . . " :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2011, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/62 "2011-06-27T09:15:04Z")
> [@tim314](#): > > "I have discovered an elegant proof that bisexuals do not exist. Unfortunately the margins of this message board are too narrow to contain it . . . " :rolleyes: I don’t have bisexual margins but I do have a minor footer fetish. ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2011, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/63 "2011-07-01T13:00:43Z")
> [@tim314](#): > > "I have discovered an elegant proof that bisexuals do not exist. Unfortunately the margins of this message board are too narrow to contain it . . . " :rolleyes: Oh come on. Bisexuals are already marginalized as they are. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2011, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/64 "2011-07-01T14:50:46Z")
I don’t really have much to add, and I’m not gay or bi myself, but what others have said make sense. If we completely separate any moral judgment about orientation, it really is just a preference or lack of preference, or insistence or lack of insistence of certain characteristics. In that one could, theoretically, equate being straight or gay to simply absolutely insisting on never dating a redhead or blond or whatever; whereas the varying degrees of bisexuality would potentially only have a preference or not care at all. So to that end, just as I’ve dated and been more or less happy (by that, I mean the problems we had were not sexually related) in a relationship with a woman that doesn’t have certain characteristics I prefer, I don’t see why someone who has different preferences couldn’t be equally satisfied. > [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > No, my view is that these folks who “exist” aren’t truly bisexual. It would take a dissertation to fully explain my views. And I completely respect the views of others here. And it’s only an academic idea. This is a True Scotsman fallacy. What defines a “true” bisexual? Sure, there’s probably some people who identify as bisexual but aren’t because they haven’t figured out exactly what their preferences are but, in light of my above example, it seems to me that to say that one can’t be would be like saying one MUST have a prefered hair color and be unhappy with any other. Unless that analogy is somehow way off, I’ve dated women with all sorts of different hair colors and as they all took good care of their hair, they all had gorgeous hair and I honestly can’t say I can identify what color I might even have a preference for, much less an insistence. Frankly, this sort of argument comes off like saying there’s no such thing as a “true” atheist, that they’re all just angry at God and they’re just pretending not to believe because of that. Or for one that I have heard directed at myself, that there’s no such thing as a “true” metal fan, they’re just contrarian, angry, rebelious, or whatever, and they don’t actually think the music is beautiful and moving. ---
**Author:** ![xkit0katx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/50afbb/32.png) [@xkit0katx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xkit0katx)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2011, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/65 "2011-07-01T19:45:03Z")
> [@typoink](#): > > This may be a controversial statement, but my experience is that a lot of bisexual people have a harder-than-average time building very close platonic relationships simply because attraction complicates things. In such a case, the “monogamy” might not really be the problem, but a broader lack of intimacy may make monogamy an easy scapegoat. I don’t know how widespread that is, but I’ve experienced this for my ownself. As a bisexual woman I’ve had major difficulties forming platonic bonds with other women that started right about the time in high school I realized I was bi. I got awkward around girls, and that got in the way of forming friendship…I was always awkward around guys anyway, but I got over that. Hopefully it’ll be the same with women 🙂 As to monogamy, never had a problem with it, though I tend to gravitate towards relationships that have a degree of openness to them. I think that has more to do with the intensity of my sexuality then its spectrum, though. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2011, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/66 "2011-07-01T20:07:26Z")
> [@tim314](#): > > "I have discovered an elegant proof that bisexuals do not exist. Unfortunately the margins of this message board are too narrow to contain it . . . " :rolleyes: That’s not true. I’ve seen evidence that proves bisexuals exist. In fact, there’s entire websites. ---
**Author:** ![bitsandpieces](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/77aa72/32.png) [@bitsandpieces](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bitsandpieces)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2012, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/67 "2012-10-10T02:30:35Z")
i am not sure what i am trying to gain by posting here. perhaps the opinions of people who dont know me, and that i can consider on an intellectual level because i dont know you. i am currently in a monogamous relationship with a man. in the interest of full disclosure, we have been “together” for just over a year, but for most of that time we have lived in separate countries. while apart, our relationship is semi-open. the terms were that we could have sex with other people provided that we didnt have feelings for them (on a side note, he never did have sex with anyone else, but i did). i have now moved to his country to be with him, but i cant help feeling slightly uncomfortable with the idea that i now can never be with a woman again (assuming we stay together, which is the plan). i think about girls i have loved in the past, and it makes me sad that i cant have that now. my feelings for girls and boys are fairly equally strong, but men and women are very different, so, for me, it is not a question of gender being irrelevant, i love both genders for their unique qualities. the question at the beginning of this thread asked if a bisexual person could ever be truly satisfied, not if they could remain faithful. these are very different questions. P.S. to > [@EvilTOJ](#): > > EvilTOJ who replied with [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0)to > [@Ambivalid](#): > > Ambivalid (post #21) thank you EvilTOJ. youre rad ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/68 "2012-10-11T00:51:39Z")
My partner is bisexual (at least), and we’ll be together monogamously for 25 years next month. He says he’d love me just as much if I were a woman, and he doesn’t miss women any more than he misses other men. I have no reason not to believe him. ---
**Author:** ![PBear42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@PBear42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PBear42)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/69 "2012-10-11T03:25:31Z")
Interesting, twice a zombie thread. Regarding the OP, the most famous example that comes to mind is [Holly Near](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holly_Near#Personal_life). ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/70 "2012-10-11T10:53:01Z")
> [@johnpost](#): > > a lot of bisexuals are serial monogamists. A lot of people are serial monogamists. Being monogamous, serially monogamous or poly and being mono, bi or asexual are different axis. > [@panache45](#): > > My partner is bisexual (at least), and we’ll be together monogamously for 25 years next month. He says he’d love me just as much if I were a woman, and he doesn’t miss women any more than he misses other men. I have no reason not to believe him. Some of us already believed you in post 38 😃 pulling your leg because I’ve done it too, responded to a thread and then realized it was a zombie and I’d already given the same response N years before… ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/71 "2012-10-11T12:19:57Z")
I knew a bisexual girl once who insisted that, when in an otherwise monogamous relationship with a guy, that she would still be allowed to hook up with females when it pleased her. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/72 "2012-10-11T17:43:37Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > A lot of people are serial monogamists. Being monogamous, serially monogamous or poly and being mono, bi or asexual are different axis. > > Some of us already believed you in post 38 😃 pulling your leg because I’ve done it too, responded to a thread and then realized it was a zombie and I’d already given the same response N years before… Nice to be reminded that there’s some consistency in my life. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![untitled\_ass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7993a0/32.png) [@untitled\_ass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/untitled_ass)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2014, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/73 "2014-06-06T13:45:33Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > But if you’re bisexual – can you ever be **entirely** satisfied with the One Partner you’ve got at home? Considering you like it with both sexes and your SO can offer you only, you know, just the **one.** You know, previously I may have thought this to be slightly ignorant. But my partner has recently been having overwhelming sexual urges to be with a man (she identifies as pansexual) and is very much considering acting on them. ---
**Author:** ![Farin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e79b87/32.png) [@Farin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farin)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2014, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/74 "2014-06-06T16:36:24Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > For me, I definitely notice gender, and am attracted to very different things in men and women. I wouldn’t consider two different personas, though. What **Miller** said is no doubt true for himself and many others, though. Sexuality and attraction is rarely simple, and simple generalisations about it will often be wrong. This is, more or less, my view on the topic. If you select any portion of the population, you will find an incredible variance in sexual preferences. If you constrain, for instance, just to heterosexuals you have incredible variety from both the visual preferences (blond/brunette/red head) to more behavioral preferences (monogamy, polyamory, S&M, bondage, etc) just within this group. That variety naturally expands if you include the whole spectrum. Monogamy is a behavioral (largely driven by culture) preference in the same way that something like S&M is. I’ve known both “Monogamous” and “Polyamorous” people in my life. A Poly person tends to not like the monogamous relationship and the Mono person tends to avoid being a part of the Poly relationship (obviously, in the US, the monogamous relationship is more “normal” so it’s easier for Mono people to avoid a Poly relationship than vice versa). And don’t forget, there is the state of “serial monogamy” that is fairly nuanced on it’s own. In terms of bisexuality, you can be attracted to both genders, but if you are behaviorally preferenced to monogamy, then you will be monogamous to the partner you select, be that partner male or female. If you aren’t preferenced for monogamy, then you will not like that life. Increasing the number of potentially alternate partners by being bisexual (relative to hetero/homosexual) wouldn’t change this preference in the person. Probably the biggest problem with all of humanity’s sexual variety is that people aren’t really allowed to explore what they want out of their love life and many people marry before they understand themselves in this area. They then find that their needs (emotional and/or physical) aren’t being met. This is what, at least in my opinion, leads to the cheating/wandering that is seen. But it’s not like this is confined to any one group (e.g. bisexuals), it’s for everyone. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2014, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/75 "2014-06-06T18:14:54Z")
My bisexual zombie wife has been monogamous and reports herself to be satisfied through all resurrections of this thread. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2014, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121/76 "2014-06-06T20:22:26Z")
> [@untitled\_ass](#): > > . . . (she identifies as pansexual) . . . Is that going to be the next liberation movement? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-bisexual-be-entirely-satisfied-in-a-monogamous-relationship/338121.md?page=3)