# Can a person be TOO modest? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 16, 2003, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865 "2003-10-16T21:17:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![CadburyAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c2a13f/32.png) [@CadburyAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CadburyAngel)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/21 "2003-10-18T02:25:47Z")
Sample appropriate ways to accept a compliment, IMO: “Aw, thanks! You’re so sweet.” “That’s so nice of you to say.” “Hey, cool, I’m glad you think so. Your opinion means a lot to me.” ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/22 "2003-10-18T02:32:48Z")
In certain situations, though, praise is worse than criticism. If criticized you try harder. If praised–well, maybe you try too hard to live up to it . . . does this make any sense? Imagine a tennis match. You’re doing well, way ahead. Your opponent says something like, “Wow, is your serve hot today or what? Did you have a lesson before this match?” Your serve immediately goes to pieces because you’re thinking about it and your concentration has been blown. (Or it could be because you used that serve too much and your opponent is now onto it. Or maybe it just never was that good and s/he just said that to end your hot streak, well, it worked.) Only an example, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Space\_Vampire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Space\_Vampire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Space_Vampire)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/23 "2003-10-18T11:57:32Z")
Compliments make me feel like crap, I don’t know why. ---
**Author:** ![RedFury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ec9cab/32.png) [@RedFury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedFury)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/24 "2003-10-18T12:33:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by criminalcatalog \* > \*\*Can a person be TOO modest? \*\* I’d answer your question, but I don’t want to make a fuss. :o ---
**Author:** ![Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji_Kitakyusho)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/25 "2003-10-18T17:01:37Z")
I’m not narcissistic, I just have a very high level of self-efficacy. ---
**Author:** ![SpoilerVirgin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@SpoilerVirgin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpoilerVirgin)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/26 "2003-10-18T18:04:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CadburyAngel \* > \*\*Sample appropriate ways to accept a compliment, IMO: > > “Aw, thanks! You’re so sweet.” > > “That’s so nice of you to say.” > > “Hey, cool, I’m glad you think so. Your opinion means a lot to me.” \*\* Exactly. Because when you reject a compliment, you’re insulting the person giving it to you. By implication, you’re questioning that person’s judgement or taste. In that sense, responding to a compliment by deflecting or disagreeing with it is simple rudeness. More importantly, when you reject a compliment you’re putting yourself down. It’s not like most of us don’t have people who are all too willing to point out our flaws. If someone goes to the trouble of giving you a boost, and you turn it into a negative, you’re feeding your own insecurities. There’s a quote from Marianne Williamson (often incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela) on just this subject: > [@](#): > > Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ---
**Author:** ![BobT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e8cbc/32.png) [@BobT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobT)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2003, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/27 "2003-10-19T01:36:44Z")
I have been told by several people that I cannot take a compliment. This is not perceived as a good thing. As one friend explained it to me, “You are making the person giving the compliment feel like an idiot if you brush off their compliment.” Like most kids, I blame my mom, who didn’t dish out a lot of praise to me growing up. Not because she wasn’t proud of me, but no one ever said anything nice to her when she was a kid so that’s how she thought things went. Is my hour up? ---
**Author:** ![Eternal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecb155/32.png) [@Eternal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eternal)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2003, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/28 "2003-10-19T07:41:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SpoilerVirgin \* > \*\*Exactly. Because when you reject a compliment, you’re insulting the person giving it to you. By implication, you’re questioning that person’s judgement or taste. In that sense, responding to a compliment by deflecting or disagreeing with it is simple rudeness. \*\* That’s assuming the person giving this “compliment” isn’t being facetious or just fishing for a compliment themselves, or perhaps they are probing you to see how you react to it, playing mindgames. The best response might be to just look at them with suspicion. To respond any other way demonstates you can be taken advantage of in some manner. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2003, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/29 "2003-10-20T12:25:29Z")
I think that it is unfortunate that lots of people don’t know how to accept a compliment graciously. If someone compliments you, a simple “Thank you, I appreciate the compliment.” is really the best response. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2003, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/30 "2003-10-20T19:57:21Z")
I’ve seen many very smart people not go anywhere because they are too modest to speak up in meetings. This is not good. Of course, if you are dumb, speaking up is not a good thing also, but if you are sensitive to feedback you can find this out. Anyone giving a talk or writing a paper is immodest in the sense that they feel that what they have to say is of interest to others. But I’ve found that everyone is in the same boat. Many people have more good things to contribute than they think they do, but they only get listened to if they speak them with confidence. ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2003, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865/31 "2003-10-20T20:51:59Z")
Once, a really calm, sweet and wonderful buddhist monk told me, in a very stern voice: “SHUT UP AND TAKE THE COMPLIMENT.” I never looked back. 😉 If I feel unworthy of the compliment, I still try to say stuff like Cadbury Angel suggested. And you know, sometimes, those compliments are well deserved, and certainly appreciated 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-a-person-be-too-modest/207865.md?page=1)