# can friendliness be rude? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [November 12, 2007, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098 "2007-11-12T05:13:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![9thFloor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/9/b487fb/32.png) [@9thFloor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/9thFloor)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/1 "2007-11-12T05:13:56Z")
So, at the post office that’s local to me where I have to go sometimes to mail packages that are too large to be permitted for the dropoffs, there are 2 guys that work the counter, among others. They’re very friendly. Aggressively friendly. Enough already friendly. Standing in line, I pretty much like to be left to myself. I’m a dour person. But what you always get from these two are announcements to the entire line to “get down and gimme some pushups if anyone in line is feeling sad today!” and “how are you on this blessed day?”, etc. Which would be a little disconcerting, but fine. But if you’re not participating in this wonderful communal expression of _joie de vivre_, they’ll single you out: “Hey there, can I get a smile? There you go!” and so on. Can it be rude to be friendly? ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/2 "2007-11-12T05:16:21Z")
Yeah, that’s rude. It’s intrusive and unprofessional, therefore very rude. It is not the service guy’s job to be your buddy, especially not the annoying buddy that you would kind of like to get rid of. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/3 "2007-11-12T05:22:46Z")
I agree. It strikes me as being extremely rude, unprofessional and a violation of your personal space. ---
**Author:** ![Tony\_Montana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@Tony\_Montana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tony_Montana)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/4 "2007-11-12T05:25:33Z")
IMHO thats more obnoxious than friendly,but YYMV. I usually give the ‘indifferent stare’ to those types, BTW I’ve been told that Im very good at giving that ‘look’ to the point it makes some nervous… :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/5 "2007-11-12T05:30:38Z")
[QUOTE=9thFloor] … But if you’re not participating in this wonderful communal expression of _joie de vivre_, they’ll single you out: “Hey there, can I get a smile? There you go!” and so on. Can it be rude to be friendly? [/QUOTE] In that case, yes. Except that I don’t think that _is_ being friendly, really. It seems to me to be more like a very pushy demand that you absolutely _must_ join in whatever mood they want, never mind the fact that you might have ten thousand worries on your mind, and you only want to get your post office business done and then on to the next part of the day. Grrr @ them. And how do they even know that you are not at that very moment suffering some great pain and just dying to get out of there? You could have arthritis or a headache or a lot of worse things - all bad enough without their attention-seeking rudeness. Or be worried about a sick child or a lost pet. Lots of things. No, it’s not really \*friendly" of them, not when they are so pushy about it. :mad: Do they also say" Cheer up: it might never happen"? 😃 I hate that. Some of us just seem to be cursed to look sad or whatever when if fact we are reasonably happily lost in a dream, or constructing a shopping list while waiting in the post office/shop/whatever queue. ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/6 "2007-11-12T05:32:22Z")
Ah, _after_ I hit the “submit” button, I wanted to add the suggestion that next time you ought to explain that you are not smiling because you feel bad and fear you need to vomit VERY soon. And welcome to the SDMB, **9thFloor** 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![9thFloor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/9/b487fb/32.png) [@9thFloor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/9thFloor)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/7 "2007-11-12T05:47:47Z")
[QUOTE=Celyn] In that case, yes. Except that I don’t think that _is_ being friendly, really. It seems to me to be more like a very pushy demand that you absolutely _must_ join in whatever mood they want, never mind the fact that you might have ten thousand worries on your mind, and you only want to get your post office business done and then on to the next part of the day. Grrr @ them. And how do they even know that you are not at that very moment suffering some great pain and just dying to get out of there? You could have arthritis or a headache or a lot of worse things - all bad enough without their attention-seeking rudeness. Or be worried about a sick child or a lost pet. Lots of things. No, it’s not really \*friendly" of them, not when they are so pushy about it. :mad: Do they also say" Cheer up: it might never happen"? 😃 I hate that. Some of us just seem to be cursed to look sad or whatever when if fact we are reasonably happily lost in a dream, or constructing a shopping list while waiting in the post office/shop/whatever queue. [/QUOTE] Actually (and this was another post office in the area, oddly; maybe there’s some seminar going on somewhere…), I had one guy say (appropo of nothing I’d said or done) “Hey! What could you have done that’s that bad?” Interestingly, I decided in that instance to switch moods and enjoyed his perspective-shifting comment. But that was my choice in that moment; as a question of social graces, it still seems like a \*faux pas \*to say the least. ---
**Author:** ![9thFloor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/9/b487fb/32.png) [@9thFloor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/9thFloor)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/8 "2007-11-12T05:51:27Z")
Ah, after \*\*I \*\*hit the submit button I saw your other post :smack: I’ve decided to wear t-shirts with wildly offensive comments. LOL They’re also religious, so I’ve got some great ones. (I wouldn’t really, of course; just because I can’t engage the idea that my life would’ve gotten so absurd as to have a non-verbal feud with the PO guys :dubious: ) Oh, and thanks; I’ve been discussing god, free will, war, and pacifism in Great Debates; you know, the light stuff 😉 ---
**Author:** ![RedRosesForMe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/91b2a8/32.png) [@RedRosesForMe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedRosesForMe)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/9 "2007-11-12T05:59:26Z")
Yes, I’d say in that situation you’re describing that’s pretty rude. I find a lot of what some people might take as polite or friendly behavior rude. My BF and I debate about this sometimes. I’m from a city; he’s from the country. So, he says hello to everyone he passes on the street; I try to avoid eye contact. I find it uncomfortable when people go out of their way to greet me when I am pretending they don’t exist. Now, if somehow we make eye contact, a hello isn’t totally out of the question, I usually just give a head nod. But that reminds me. I used to walk to work every day. I had to pass a halfway house for substance abusers. There was one guy who’d usually be out on the front porch every morning. Every morning, I avoided eye contact and passed as quickly as I could. Yet every morning, he’d say “Good morning.” For months, he’d say good morning, I’d usually ignore him. It pissed me off. It made me uncomfortable. I’d say it was rude. My BF totally doesn’t understand this. Maybe this guy was also from a small town where this was polite and friendly. In my world, to go out of your way to greet a person daily who is trying to ignore you is rude. I dunno. I just don’t feel comfortable making eye contact/interacting with strangers. I also think it’s rude when sales people touch me. That also makes me extremely uncomfortable, and much less likely to buy anything. I need a lot of personal space, and not a lot of eye contact. Wow. I must sound like a totally antisocial bitch now. Oh well. ---
**Author:** ![9thFloor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/9/b487fb/32.png) [@9thFloor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/9thFloor)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/10 "2007-11-12T06:19:29Z")
[QUOTE=RedRosesForMe] Yes, I’d say in that situation you’re describing that’s pretty rude. I find a lot of what some people might take as polite or friendly behavior rude. My BF and I debate about this sometimes. I’m from a city; he’s from the country. So, he says hello to everyone he passes on the street; I try to avoid eye contact. I find it uncomfortable when people go out of their way to greet me when I am pretending they don’t exist. Now, if somehow we make eye contact, a hello isn’t totally out of the question, I usually just give a head nod. But that reminds me. I used to walk to work every day. I had to pass a halfway house for substance abusers. There was one guy who’d usually be out on the front porch every morning. Every morning, I avoided eye contact and passed as quickly as I could. Yet every morning, he’d say “Good morning.” For months, he’d say good morning, I’d usually ignore him. It pissed me off. It made me uncomfortable. I’d say it was rude. My BF totally doesn’t understand this. Maybe this guy was also from a small town where this was polite and friendly. In my world, to go out of your way to greet a person daily who is trying to ignore you is rude. I dunno. I just don’t feel comfortable making eye contact/interacting with strangers. I also think it’s rude when sales people touch me. That also makes me extremely uncomfortable, and much less likely to buy anything. I need a lot of personal space, and not a lot of eye contact. Wow. I must sound like a totally antisocial bitch now. Oh well. [/QUOTE] It’s one of the intriguing side effects of this type of thing, I think. It does make the person sound like a complete asshole. But I know I’m not a complete asshole, just most of one. It’s curious. I think it’s got something to do with the idea that I could ‘decide’ to just switch emotional modalities and suddenly go into the other person’s emotional state of mind – but I don’t, though I could, which I think makes me feel I’m being petty and can lead to some pretty objectively petty actions like pointedly ignoring someone. And yet…I don’t feel it’s just my fault. There’s something, as you point out, willfully dismissive of the other person’s frame of mind (mine) that I think seems to hit the crux of what’s rude about it. Rudeness as a lack of empathic acknowledgment of the other person’s mental space and their right to remain there if they wish. I get the feeling these people would chuck me on the shoulder at a funeral and say “Aww, there now, you’ll be okay!” ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/11 "2007-11-12T08:08:18Z")
I agree that frienliness can be rude. Take for example, the overly chatty seatmate on a long flight. I think any time you are oblivious/indifferent that your behaviour is causing obvious discomfort for another person, you are being rude. ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/12 "2007-11-12T14:17:41Z")
“they’ll single you out:” Until then Id have said intentions count for something. But singling people out crosses into peer pressure. Friendliness to me means being sensitive to someones mood. its one thing to be terminally cheery, and quite another to make it so everyone else has to be as well. Otara ---
**Author:** ![ErinPuff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dbc845/32.png) [@ErinPuff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ErinPuff)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/13 "2007-11-12T19:50:46Z")
My default facial expression is somewhere on the “less than pleased” end of the spectrum. I don’t go around angry all the time (well, not most days); it’s just the way my face is. If I smiled all the time, I’d look like an idiot. Ordering me to smile is a great way to get me to hate you. **RedRosesForMe** , I don’t like that kind of thing either. There’s a guy who works at a deli just outside my campus, and every time I would pass by and he was there, he said good morning (sometimes “good morning, sunshine!” or “good morning, dear!” - “sunshine” especially pisses me off, because the implication is that I look miserable). He kept bringing up that I would be graduating soon, because I made the mistake of correcting him when he asked if I was a sophomore. After a few weeks of this, I found a different way to go to get to class. He probably was trying to be friendly, not creepy, but I didn’t want the attention, especially not repeatedly. ---
**Author:** ![9thFloor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/9/b487fb/32.png) [@9thFloor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/9thFloor)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/14 "2007-11-12T20:00:44Z")
[QUOTE=Otara] “they’ll single you out:” Until then Id have said intentions count for something. But singling people out crosses into peer pressure. Friendliness to me means being sensitive to someones mood. its one thing to be terminally cheery, and quite another to make it so everyone else has to be as well. Otara [/QUOTE] LOL “terminally cheery” is a great term. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/15 "2007-11-12T20:35:08Z")
Whenever someone tell says to me, “Smile! It can’t be THAT bad!” I want to tell them I just found out I have a huge tumor on my brain and that I only have a couple of hours to live. Because you know what? Sometimes life can really be THAT bad, and it’s rude to assume you know what a stranger is going through. But I don’t think the people who do this think they’re being rude. They think they’re cheering someone up. But just putting on a fake-happy face isn’t going to cheer anyone up. ---
**Author:** ![Shelf\_stable\_at\_room\_temperatu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shelf\_stable\_at\_room\_temperatu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shelf_stable_at_room_temperatu)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/16 "2007-11-12T20:41:02Z")
[QUOTE=9thFloor] But if you’re not participating in this wonderful communal expression of _joie de vivre_, they’ll single you out: “Hey there, can I get a smile? There you go!” and so on. Can it be rude to be friendly? [/QUOTE] I get that a lot at a couple of stores, and I never let them get away with it. I reverse the sentiment in my reply “It’s hard to smile when you look so down. Are you having a bad day or are you always so defensive?” There’s no simple answer, and the shut up until next time. ---
**Author:** ![9thFloor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/9/b487fb/32.png) [@9thFloor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/9thFloor)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/17 "2007-11-12T21:27:42Z")
[QUOTE=monstro] Whenever someone tell says to me, “Smile! It can’t be THAT bad!” I want to tell them I just found out I have a huge tumor on my brain and that I only have a couple of hours to live. Because you know what? Sometimes life can really be THAT bad, and it’s rude to assume you know what a stranger is going through. But I don’t think the people who do this think they’re being rude. They think they’re cheering someone up. But just putting on a fake-happy face isn’t going to cheer anyone up. [/QUOTE] Agreed. If anything, it can make them more miserable if they already were. I already know, by the way, where these folks would go in the case of your hypothetical comment (especially the particular folks I mentioned): they’d get serious and then start comforting me about heaven and how it’s all going to be for the best. LOL ---
**Author:** ![9thFloor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/9/b487fb/32.png) [@9thFloor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/9thFloor)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/18 "2007-11-12T21:29:20Z")
[QUOTE=Shelf stable at room temperatu] I get that a lot at a couple of stores, and I never let them get away with it. I reverse the sentiment in my reply “It’s hard to smile when you look so down. Are you having a bad day or are you always so defensive?” There’s no simple answer, and the shut up until next time. [/QUOTE] LOL That’s good. I don’t even have that much energy when I encounter these peeps; I just roll my eyes on the inside. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/19 "2007-11-12T21:39:33Z")
I used to do that at Kmart when I’d get a total asshole. I’d smile and act totally cheerful and perky. And it’s not like they could complain-what could they say, “That girl was too friendly!” I also like to do this to my former manager at my first job. Whenever I see him, I give him a big smile and say, “HI GEORGE!” You just KNOW it kills him-especially since he was the reason I quit. ---
**Author:** ![9thFloor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/9/b487fb/32.png) [@9thFloor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/9thFloor)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2007, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098/20 "2007-11-12T21:42:19Z")
[QUOTE=Guinastasia] I used to do that at Kmart when I’d get a total asshole. I’d smile and act totally cheerful and perky. And it’s not like they could complain-what could they say, “That girl was too friendly!” I also like to do this to my former manager at my first job. Whenever I see him, I give him a big smile and say, “HI GEORGE!” You just KNOW it kills him-especially since he was the reason I quit. [/QUOTE] I’m gratified to have my suspicion validated that it’s often hostility. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-friendliness-be-rude/426098.md?page=2)