# Can I date a High Schooler? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 25, 2008, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389 "2008-11-25T04:29:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Freejooky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ba8739/32.png) [@Freejooky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freejooky)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/1 "2008-11-25T04:29:52Z")
I’m an adult - 27 years old - and I met an amazing girl this past weekend. The problem: she’s 16. There’s obviously a lot more to this story, but at risk of giving out too much personal information we met each other at a neutral event and hit it off. She ended up adding me on facebook the next day (we shared a common Facebook friend that was at the event with us), and then we ended up talking on the phone for a while and later hanging out, which ended up with hand-holding and feeling a lot more like a date than a hang-out. Though she _looks_ 16, she just blew me away with her maturity, humor, and candor - the total _Juno_ effect, and then some. Precocious doesn’t even begin to touch it based on our first and following conversations. I can honestly say that she’s more intelligent, mature, and **adult** than any woman I’ve dated in my age range, and she frankly puts them to shame. I know that there are any number of issues at work here, our legal/age difference actually being the _least_ of them. I mean, HOW can a working adult man who otherwise passes in polite society have a teenage girlfriend? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/2 "2008-11-25T04:32:44Z")
No, you can’t. You’re a grown man. She’s a child. Leave her alone and find someone closer to your own age. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/3 "2008-11-25T04:36:44Z")
No, you can’t. At least not now. Maybe in five-ten years. You know it’s wrong or you wouldn’t ask. And it probably shows a lack of maturity on your part more as much as maturity on hers. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/4 "2008-11-25T04:40:37Z")
You can’t, and you shouldn’t. Find a grown up woman. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/5 "2008-11-25T04:40:51Z")
If it’s cosmically perfect love will conquer all violins and cherubim love, it will wait 5 years until she grows up a bit and learns who she is without your influence. And you’ll get together then because it’s Meant To Be and you’ll both be miserable without each other. If it’s anything less, it’s not worth screwing up both your lives over. Wait. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/6 "2008-11-25T04:41:28Z")
What **Oakminster** said. Even if this girl is very, very mature for her age, there’s still a massive gap between the two of you, simply because of life experience. Quite simply: A relationship between you and a high school girl would not be a relationship between equals. Why in the world would you _want_ such a relationship? ETA: The fact it felt like a date to _you_ doesn’t mean it felt anything like a date to her. Part of being a teenager is learning social cues, and some people are just naturally more outgoing and touchy/feely than others. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/7 "2008-11-25T04:42:24Z")
They’re both right, of course; however, when my husband was 27, I was 7. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/8 "2008-11-25T04:43:20Z")
I struggled with the same question recently (in theory). I’m only 23 and she was 18. There’s no way in hell I could do it, and there’s no way in 7 hells you could. Wait til she’s out of college first if you must. ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/9 "2008-11-25T04:46:58Z")
I was 22 the last time I dated someone who was in high school and she was 18. After a few dates it was pretty clear that the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere because we were at completely different places in our life. To be honest with you I found it to be slightly embarrassing when I met her parents and received their stares. I can’t imagine meeting the parents of a girl 11 years my junior and looking at them straight in the eye. Legal issues aside I don’t know how a 27 year old **man** can expect to have a relationship with a 16 year old **girl**. If I were her parents I certainly wouldn’t allow her to date you though I understand that realistically she might be able to get away with it behind my back. Your friends are going to think you’re a pervert for dating her. If a 16 year old is more mature, intelligent, and adult than anyone woman in your age range that you’ve dated then I seriously question your judgment of women. What is it about you that you can’t attract an intelligent, mature, adult woman your own age? ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/10 "2008-11-25T04:47:53Z")
No. But you knew that already. Is this one of those threads where the OP posts a question and waits while 20 people say no and then takes the first yes or even maybe and runs with it? I hope not cause I hate those. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/11 "2008-11-25T04:49:15Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > If a 16 year old is more mature, intelligent, and adult than anyone woman in your age range that you’ve dated then I seriously question your judgment of women. What is it about you that you can’t attract an intelligent, mature, adult woman your own age? You said it far more kindly than I could ever do. I mean, really. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/12 "2008-11-25T04:49:55Z")
**Mr. Excellent** makes a great point about life experience. Also, I just noticed that the :eek: smiley has a little tongue! ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/13 "2008-11-25T04:53:24Z")
I think Gary Pucket and the Union Gap put it best with _Young girl, get out of my mind, my love for you is way out of line._ All of the songs about “sweet little 16” notwithstanding, you really can’t pursue this right now. For one thing, expecting an adult relationship from a teenager isn’t going to end well for you. For another thing, if the legal age is 18, and you get busted with her, you’ll be branded a sex offender for life (not fairly, but you will be). No matter how hot and precocious she is, she’s probably not worth that. ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/14 "2008-11-25T04:53:26Z")
> [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](#): > > Also, I just noticed that the :eek: smiley has a little tongue! Sorry for the brief hijack, but what? It does not. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/15 "2008-11-25T04:57:02Z")
> [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](#): > > Sorry for the brief hijack, but what? It does not. If you look really closely, there’s a little red dot in its mouth. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/16 "2008-11-25T04:58:27Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > Legal issues aside I don’t know how a 27 year old **man** can expect to have a relationship with a 16 year old **girl**. If I were her parents I certainly wouldn’t allow her to date you though I understand that realistically she might be able to get away with it behind my back. Your friends are going to think you’re a pervert for dating her. If I were the girl’s father, I’d solve the problem rather simply. I’d explain to the [del]per[/del]…um…older fellow…that the very next time I saw him anywhere near my daughter would mark his last seconds on this earth. He would believe me. I can be very convincing at times. ---
**Author:** ![Unsquare\_Dance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b3f665/32.png) [@Unsquare\_Dance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unsquare_Dance)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/17 "2008-11-25T05:01:46Z")
No, you can’t. It’s gross and wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/18 "2008-11-25T05:03:23Z")
My first reaction was ‘Ewww!’, but upon reflection the age difference is not prohibitive in this case. I know lots of people in relationships with a 10-year age difference, although most of them are 20 years older than either of you. Looking back through history, this type of relationship was more common – a man would be expected to be a bachelor and make his fortune before seeking a young bride. Legally, it depends upon your location. In many US states there is no legal impediment against dating someone her age, no matter your age. Other states limit the age difference to 3 years, maximum, until she turns 18. If you’re in Great Britain, then hey – it’s all good, as 16 is legal age. A complete list should be available somewhere. Morally and ethically, I believe there are other people who need to be involved in any decision whether to go forward with a relationship: her parents. If you’re not comfortable meeting them, or she’s not comfortable with you meeting them, then I’d drop it, fast. However, they may welcome you with open arms. No way to know until you meet them. Don’t do anything, no matter how seemingly innocent, without their approval. You didn’t define what you mean by ‘date’. I assume it means going out together to various activities, but you really need to fully define the parameters of the relationship depending upon all the factors. Since you just met, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt about merely being a lovesick fool, and assume you just want to get to know her better. If you are immediately assuming some sort of exclusive, committed relationship because she ‘added you to her Facebook’, then I’d say you aren’t mature enough to date her. If her parents and the government are willing, and you do decide to date, I’d hold off on any potential physical relationship for longer than you normally might. Mrs. danalan and I made a decision about each other at 16, and it’s turned out to be the right decision, so I know that a 16-year old is capable of deciding for herself. Of course, we were both 16, so didn’t have the age difference thing. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/19 "2008-11-25T05:07:00Z")
> [@Freejooky](#): > > the total _Juno_ effect, and then some. Something else to consider: Teenage girls are extremely fertile, and also tend not to be the most reliable contraception users. If nothing else that people say here persuades you to avoid this situation, that alone is reason enough. But, yeah, you totally will look like a pervert if you try anything with this little girl. At best, you will look some sort of Man-Child, who is not capable of relating to grown women your own age. But more likely, everyone will assume you are a creepy pervert who is preying on a little girl who doesn’t know any better. ---
**Author:** ![purple\_haze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/db5fbb/32.png) [@purple\_haze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purple_haze)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/20 "2008-11-25T05:10:02Z")
When I was 16, I dated someone who was 28. That is one skeleton in my closet that I rarely mention, mostly out of embarrassment. Obviously I had to conceal the relationship from my parents, and successfully did so for eight months. When they found out, the shit truly hit the fan. They threatened him with statutory rape, and it was only out of consideration for me and not wanting to go through any drama that they didn’t prosecute the guy. As long as I never saw him again, they were willing to let it go. I made the obvious choice and never saw him again. I do have to say that we were extremely compatible and I still think of him fondly to this day, 25 years later. However, I sometimes wonder now about his motivations, something that I didn’t realize very clearly at the time. What was a grown man doing with a 16 year old Junior in high school? You figure it out. Don’t do it. You are the adult here, and need to act like one. Don’t take advantage of someone that much younger than you. That’s what you would be doing - taking advantage. That’s just not right, no matter how you justify your actions. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389.md?page=2)