# Can I date a High Schooler? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 25, 2008, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389 "2008-11-25T04:29:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/41 "2008-11-25T06:57:10Z")
> [@atomicbadgerrace](#): > > I find it curious that so many in this thread are assuming the OP wants to have a sexual relationship; which, in fact, is not necessarily implied by the broad term “dating.” IMO, if you’re not dating, then you’re trying to build a friendship I would assume. But he did state “date”. If you intend to date, you intend to romance _somewhere down that line._ ---
**Author:** ![atomicbadgerrace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@atomicbadgerrace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/atomicbadgerrace)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/42 "2008-11-25T06:58:02Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > If you or the OP cannot see how such a difference in age at this time in life is too vast for a relationship of equals, no amount of discussion is going to matter. > > If the OP really believes that his equal is a 16 year old girl, then I think he has bigger issues to deal with. Obviously YMMV. Not that I want a reputation for defending the OP, but who are you to judge this girl based on her age, alone? [QUOTE=ParentalAdvisory] IMO, if you’re not dating, then you’re trying to build a friendship I would assume. But he did state “date”. If you intend to date, you intend to romance somewhere down that line. [/QUOTE] Yeah, somewhere. Maybe in a week, maybe in 10 years, maybe never. But the OP wasn’t asking whether it was okay to sleep with her, though it seems that some in this thread are jumping all over him as if he did. ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/43 "2008-11-25T07:02:02Z")
> [@atomicbadgerrace](#): > > Yeah, somewhere. Maybe in a week, maybe in 10 years, maybe never. But the OP wasn’t asking whether it was okay to sleep with her, though it seems that some in this thread are jumping all over him as if he did. What the hell are you talking about? _The title of the thread_ is “Can I date a High Schooler?” It’s not “Can I date someone who was in high school ten years ago?” ETA: Oh, wait, I see you’re specifically referring to sex. Well, that might be a different story, but IMO, it’s still TOTALLY creepy it would still be weird to have a non-sexual, romantic relationship with a high school student. ---
**Author:** ![atomicbadgerrace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@atomicbadgerrace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/atomicbadgerrace)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/44 "2008-11-25T07:09:15Z")
> [@Kyla](#): > > ETA: Oh, wait, I see you’re specifically referring to sex. Well, that might be a different story, but IMO, it’s still TOTALLY creepy it would still be weird to have a non-sexual, romantic relationship with a high school student. I never said it wouldn’t be creepy, I just said that it was possible. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/45 "2008-11-25T07:09:39Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > If you ore the OP cannot see how such a difference in age at this time in life is too vast for a relationship of equals, no amount of discussion is going to matter. > > If the OP really believes that his equal is a 16 year old girl, then I think he has bigger issues to deal with. Obviously YMMV. Equals in _what_? Maturity? First, not everyone buys the relatively new-age theory that relationship partners should be equal in every way. The “traditional” notion of males playing the role of protector and provider is hardly dead. And the idea of a younger female dating an older, sometimes much older male is about as novel as maple syrup on pancakes. Again I stress the **legal** and **consensual** part, but if these criteria are met, frankly, why the hell does it matter? Everyone here seems to fear some extreme and irreversible pscyhological damage is bound to result. But that can result in relationships among “equals” just as easily, and IMO, is something that really depends on the individuals involved much more than the age of their earthly bodies. ---
**Author:** ![Sonnenstrahl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Sonnenstrahl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sonnenstrahl)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/46 "2008-11-25T07:34:45Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > First, not everyone buys the relatively new-age theory that relationship partners should be equal in every way. The “traditional” notion of males playing the role of protector and provider is hardly dead. And the idea of a younger female dating an older, sometimes much older male is about as novel as maple syrup on pancakes. Well, if the girl in question has not been raised to believe that she deserves to be the equal of her boyfriend (as is indeed the case in many cultural groups even today), I think it would be great if she could grow up and make the decision for herself (well, moreso than if she decided at 16). She’ll have no problem finding domineering men when she’s 21 - luckily, most men don’t seem to see women of that age as old maids anymore. I don’t think it would necessarily scar her for life; I just thinks it’s very odd. A friend of mine started dating a 31-year-old when she was 18. Completely legal. But she told me about a time when she went to a dinner party with some of his friends, a couple who were both doctors. She was a supremely confident and very intelligent 18-year-old, and didn’t have a problem with it at all. But I would have asked if I could sit at the kids’ table if I were an 18-year-old first-year university student at a party with doctors. Think about introducing this girl to your friends - could she really talk about prom at a party with them? ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/47 "2008-11-25T07:45:16Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > The fact it felt like a date to _you_ doesn’t mean it felt anything like a date to her. Part of being a teenager is learning social cues, and some people are just naturally more outgoing and touchy/feely than others. Yeah; she may be laughing it up with her friends about this old guy who was, like, totally coming on to her, and wanted to hold her _hand_, for god’s sake, and she doesn’t know _why_ she added him to her Facebook, except he just kept insisting… ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 7:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/48 "2008-11-25T07:47:12Z")
> [@beanpod](#): > > First: No. No. No. No, no, no. It’s illegal, socially unacceptable, and morally questionable–she’s not a fully matured person by our society’s standards, and she hasn’t had a chance to explore the world on her own with the rights of a legal adult. The questions was “can” he date her. You give bad information. In many states probably even most, it would be legal. And not just in the South. For instance in New Jersey the age is 16 unless the older person is in a position of authority (such as her teacher). In some states it is younger. The “should” has been covered. Of course the answer is no. ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 8:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/49 "2008-11-25T08:20:23Z")
I’d just been discharged from the army, I was 22. I met my future wife 2 days after my discharge, she was 14 but at the time I had no idea as she told me she was 17. Anyway: On my way out one day I see her, in school uniform ::eek:: we had been seeing each other for maybe 2 weeks and apart from kissing nothing else had happened. That night I called on her and told her I’d seen her going to school, she was distraught. I spoke to Evelyn and Walter, her parents, I told them that nothing untowards had occured. Both her parents were very understanding and told me to wait until their daughter was older before I even entertained the idea of a longer relationship, I waited and so did she. Both of us just _knew_ we were right for each other. During our wait neither of us went out with any member of the opposite sex, on her 16th birthday we met up. We were married for 36 years before she passed away some time ago, our marriage was 36 years of pure heaven. To the OP I say, WAIT, it may work out. For now, back off ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/50 "2008-11-25T10:47:44Z")
There are a few potential legal traps here. Even if the age of consent is 16 where you are, what if you take a naked pic of her? In that case, anti-pornography laws might come into play. Of course there are also laws against serving alcohol to minors. If the parents find out and are pissed, there is a decent chance they will run screaming to the authorities and the authorities will try to find SOMETHING to nail you on. So there is some risk here. Unlike most of the posters here, I don’t think there anything terribly or inherently immoral about a 27 year old man dating a 16 year old girl. A 16 year old girl could be just as easily scarred by an 17 year old guy who pressures her into having sex because he wants to lose his virginity. Still, from a practical point of view, I would probably keep the relationship non-sexual until she is 18. If there really is a special connection, it can wait a year or two. ---
**Author:** ![Dublin11](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Dublin11](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dublin11)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/51 "2008-11-25T11:07:57Z")
> [@Freejooky](#): > > I know that there are any number of issues at work here, our legal/age difference actually being the _least_ of them. I mean, HOW can a working adult man who otherwise passes in polite society have a teenage girlfriend? He can’t, as you no doubt know. However, there is a way round it - ask her to marry you if she’s at the age where it’s legal to get married without parental consent where you live. If you don’t want to marry her or she doesn’t want to marry you, then one or other of you isn’t _quite_ as convinced as the other about just how special this whole thing is. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/52 "2008-11-25T11:25:36Z")
> [@Jeff](#): > > Call me mean but secretly hope this happens quite often. Those kind of threads provide such endless potential for guilt-free snark. > > I find it hard to believe that women his age are so vapid and stupid that this 16yr old girl would ‘put them to shame’. It says much more about our poster than it does about the kid he has the hots for. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/53 "2008-11-25T11:33:04Z")
The nice thing about high school girls is that you keep getting older, but they stay the same.:dubious: > [@atomicbadgerrace](#): > > I find it curious that so many in this thread are assuming the OP wants to have a sexual relationship; which, in fact, is not necessarily implied by the broad term “dating.” Um..yeah it is. ---
**Author:** ![Dying\_Butterfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d2c977/32.png) [@Dying\_Butterfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dying_Butterfly)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/54 "2008-11-25T11:46:05Z")
Seems pretty creepy and pathetic to me. ---
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/55 "2008-11-25T11:49:05Z")
Most states have laws prohibiting those who are over 18 from dating those who are under 18. No, you cannot date her without risking legal repurcussions. I don’t know about the maturity level of either of you, but if you two really are compatible, in a few years you can find out. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/56 "2008-11-25T11:57:35Z")
Okay, apparently no one else is going to say it, so… What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? That’s not snark. That’s a genuine question. What the hell is wrong with you that you’re considering a 16 year old as a romantic partner? Forget about her, and figure out why YOU are so insecure that you’re looking to date a little kid. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/57 "2008-11-25T12:27:06Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > Of course. And I can see how the OP’s situation could get a little awkward. But as long as it’s **legal** and **consensual** I just don’t see the grand tragedy some others in this thread do. I think, as has already been mentioned, it’s ethically sticky territory giving the difference in their ages, genders and the sociopolitical climate we live in. Like it or not, in two different ways, he’s got a considerably higher social status than she, which makes consent difficult to determine. I’ve been there, done that (with only a 4 year gap), and I can tell you that while it felt consensual at the time, and I would have sworn up and down that it was, looking back, it’s wasn’t entirely. Not unconsensual enough to press charges or anything, just not me making a fully informed fully responsible adult decision. I couldn’t have done so, not having a fully functioning neocortex and all. > [@chowder](#): > > Both of us just _knew_ we were right for each other. > > During our wait neither of us went out with any member of the opposite sex, on her 16th birthday we met up. > > We were married for 36 years before she passed away some time ago, our marriage was 36 years of pure heaven. > > To the OP I say, WAIT, it may work out. > > For now, back off Exactly. I’m not freaking out, either. It may very well be the perfect relationship. If it is, it will weather a 5 year break until she’s a fully functional, not just legal, adult. I think in **chowder** ’s day, 16 was appropriate, if young; today it’s not. Kids grow up slower into a more complicated world. Give her time. (And **chowder**? Love that story.) > [@DianaG](#): > > Okay, apparently no one else is going to say it, so… > > What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? > > That’s not snark. That’s a genuine question. What the hell is wrong with you that you’re considering a 16 year old as a romantic partner? Forget about her, and figure out why YOU are so insecure that you’re looking to date a little kid. Now come on. There’s nothing wrong with him nature didn’t intend. 16 year old girls are not little kids. They’re at just about the peak of their reproductive appeal. They can be very attractive and very sweet and very articulate and intelligent. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to youth and beauty and energy. There is something wrong with taking advantage of innocence and immature brain chemistry, however. But the OP hasn’t done that, so why jump down his throat? ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/58 "2008-11-25T12:34:45Z")
> [@atomicbadgerrace](#): > > I find it curious that so many in this thread are assuming the OP wants to have a sexual relationship; which, in fact, is not necessarily implied by the broad term “dating.” Of course it’s implied. Dating implies there’s a desire for some sort of romantic relationship. Otherwise you’re just friends. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/59 "2008-11-25T12:45:35Z")
I think you may be projecting a lot on this girl. Anyone can seem smart and mature and with-it during a romantic conversation. But maturity manifests itself through actions in the harsh light of day. I don’t think you are really seeing much of this girl, but just an image of your own ideals and desires. ---
**Author:** ![Sapo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2008, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/60 "2008-11-25T13:08:02Z")
A big whatever to 98% of the posters on this thread. If you love her, you love her (I don’t think you can after seeing her once, but what do I know). The fact that she is 16 doesn’t mean you cannot love each other, it just means you cannot fuck each other. For the next 2 years or so. When I was in high school, having a bf/gf for two years without sex was normal. Call me old-fashioned if you want. Make sure her parents know what’s going on, treat her the way a 16-year old should be treated. Go to kiddie dates and wait for time to solve your legal situation. If that is too much to ask, then it wasn’t “meant to be”. Your friends will make fun of you, her friends will find you exciting for a week and creepy from then on, her family might have objections, your family might too. It won’t be a stroll in the park. If you can make it work, good for you. Otherwise, lesson learned. Just make sure you remember that her acting mature doesn’t mean she is. She is still a little girl that needs and deserves to be treated as such. I you are game to be a girl’s playdoll for two years, go for it. ETA: And yeah, before you commit to this path, take a good close look at yourself and discern if there isn’t something wrong with you or your romantic history. Be honest. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389.md?page=4)