# Can I date a High Schooler? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 25, 2008, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389 "2008-11-25T04:29:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/161 "2008-11-26T14:03:57Z")
> [@Kozmik](#): > > Wait until she’s in college. Oh at least graduates from high school. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/162 "2008-11-26T14:35:39Z")
Well, the ball is certainly in your court-her parents just served up a nice slow high bouncing moonball for you, and are trusting you not to “bang” it back at 100 MPH. OK silly analogies aside, you most certainly should not take this as a total carte blanche-if you do cross the line prematurely they will rip you a new one, no matter how open-minded they are otherwise. I’d take their apparent trust in you only so far, and not abuse it. Keep in mind, as in my example, that when she turns 18 she may decide to move on, for her own reasons. Don’t get too attached to the desired final outcome, or you will drive yourself mad (as I said I know of which I speak believe me). Give her space to grow, don’t smother, act more as a mentor than anything else, don’t go past first base, but enjoy yourselves and have fun within these limits. You are playing (silly analogy warning #2) with a booby trapped Pandora’s Box, and even if you defuse it with no injury to you or her, you may not find what you expect inside. ---
**Author:** ![EpicNonsense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c37758/32.png) [@EpicNonsense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EpicNonsense)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/163 "2008-11-26T15:13:03Z")
> [@HelloNinja](#): > > A good friend of mine is a registered sex offender for life for an age difference less than yours and hers (he was 24 she was 16). > > He said nothing had happened between them sexually, though he’d spent way too much time with her and had gotten people talking. The girl also said nothing sexual had ever happened between them. Her parents decided to press charges anyway and my friend had to cop an Alfred plea (couldn’t afford a good defense) and it pretty much ruined his life. > > All it takes is upset parents to get the shit ball rolling on you. Even if you’re chaste and even if you’re “soul mates” or whatever. cont. hijack/ Similarly, a friend (not a close friend, but a prior classmate) of mine was in a relationship with a girl for some time-several months. It was sexual. She told him she was 17, him being 20 at the time. I had never seen this girl, so I can’t be a judge of anything. So, the age thing wasn’t an issue, or even anything he was worried about. It turns out that after those few months being with this girl they got into a fight about something. I have no idea what. This guy was more focused on sports than anything, and did not take his education too seriously, but he was a real good guy. After that fight they had, it turns out the girl told the parents what had happened, and worse, what had been going on between the two of them, that they had been having sex together. Turns out the girl was 15 (16 being the legal age of consent in Hawaii). Last I heard, he was doing some odd number of years in prison. Ruined his life. It’s a fucking shame. /hijack ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/164 "2008-11-26T15:20:12Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > Just a note to update you – my wife’s nephew was well-liked by the families of his young girlfriends. They also said they were cool with it. > > He was also into anime & manga comic books with these girls. > > He’s still in jail. I’ll say “hi” to him for you this Saturday. I’d like a bit more info. Just 'cuz I’m nosy. How many young girlfriends did your cousin have; how young were they; what got the law involved if the girl’s parents were OK with it? Again, I’m just nosy. As for the OP – well, it might work out. Stranger things have happened. And the fact that the girl’s parents seem cool with it is a point in your favor, I guess. On the other hand, my mother- and father-in-law were OK with my youngest sister-in-law (15 at the time) dating an older man (he was 27, coincidentally). Becky ended up pregant, married and dropped out of high school at 16. And she ended up an abused wife at 17, and an abandoned single mother at 18. If we are talking anecdotes, here. Anyway, this is just a Bad Idea in general in our society right now. It just _is_. Your particular situation may work out, but it is a foolish experiment nonetheless. I know that I would not have allowed my kids to date 27 year olds when they were 16. And now that my kids are older (21 and 22) I would heavily discourage them from dating teenagers, if either of them were so inclined. Bad Idea. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/165 "2008-11-26T15:52:08Z")
This reminds me of that movie, “Beautiful Girls” where the guy has this really cool relationship w/ a young Natalie Portman (she was 13 or 14, I think). They had an amazing connection and you could feel the chemistry between them even though he was much older - but they didn’t try and take it anywhere. I think he said he’d wait for her to get older and she said that if they waited, she’d change and not be the same girl he knew now, or something… It’s been awhile. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/166 "2008-11-26T15:59:53Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > So, it’s not okay to ignore people who might be wrong? > > I did not know what. It’s okay to decide someone who gives you well-thought-out advice is wrong. It’s not very smart to ignore it entirely. It’s stupid when forty people are all telling you the same thing and you still ignore it. It’s REALLY stupid when you obviously weren’t interested in the advice you solicited in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/167 "2008-11-26T16:06:48Z")
> [@HelloNinja](#): > > This reminds me of that movie, “Beautiful Girls” where the guy has this really cool relationship w/ a young Natalie Portman (she was 13 or 14, I think). They had an amazing connection and you could feel the chemistry between them even though he was much older - but they didn’t try and take it anywhere. I think he said he’d wait for her to get older and she said that if they waited, she’d change and not be the same girl he knew now, or something… It’s been awhile. Yeah, he was her Christopher Robin. I love that movie! ---
**Author:** ![Jeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/168 "2008-11-26T16:35:35Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > It’s okay to decide someone who gives you well-thought-out advice is wrong. > > It’s not very smart to ignore it entirely. > > It’s stupid when forty people are all telling you the same thing and you still ignore it. > > **It’s REALLY stupid when you obviously weren’t interested in the advice you solicited in the first place.** Bolding mine. I’m thinking he was just looking to announce his feelings to the world, and posting his situation in the form of a question was the best means of doing that. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/169 "2008-11-26T16:46:04Z")
> [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](#): > > Yeah, he was her Christopher Robin. I love that movie! Good movie, but it was uncomfortable to watch. Not knowing if they’d hook up or not. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/170 "2008-11-26T16:54:31Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > You mean he made a decision about his life _before_ everyone here had their say?? > > How _dare_ him! You might have a point if he hadn’t ASKED for other people’s opinions. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/171 "2008-11-26T16:57:21Z")
> [@Freejooky](#): > > So, an update, and then I’m pretty much done talking about this for fear of putting too much personal info out there…I had dinner with her family today, and they were totally laid-back about the whole thing. I didn’t really announce my “intentions” as much as just get to know them as their daughter’s guest, and by the end of the night I think we all felt totally comfortable with each other and her mother tacitly let me know that they felt fine with me taking their daughter out and that they trusted me. I just want to know - do they know how old you are? Not, “she said she told them how old I am and they’re cool with it” or “they met me so of course they know how old I am”. Girls who meet guys can lie to them, or people can be mistaken about how old someone is. I mean, **did you mention to them that you’re 27?** Coworkers at my current job - which I’ve been at for several years - honestly mistook me for being nearly 10 years younger than my real age. (I assured them that it was surely my immature behavior that led them to think that. 😉 ) My mother met my father at work, right out of high school. She thought he was a few years older than she was, and he thought she was maybe a few years younger than he was, when it was actually a 10-year age difference between them. Also, are you sure she’s actually 16, and not younger? As in, did the parents acknowledge it or did you see something that’s not easily forged? If you look young to her, she might have thought, “He looks 18 or 19, I’ll say I’m 16,” when she’s younger than that. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/172 "2008-11-26T16:59:33Z")
> [@Sapo](#): > > Back off, everyone. Her parents know what’s going on and are cool with it, the OP is not talking sex but reading comics, he is not making wedding plans but thinking about the next day. So far, so good. Let people enjoy their lives. (or maybe you are just jealous that life is peachy for some people) 1. Just because her parents are ok with it, doesn’t mean it’s ok. It just means the parents are screwed up. 2. The fact that he’s denying that he wants sex means nothing to me. For one thing, I don’t believe it, for another thing, any kind of quasi-romantic relationship between an adult and a child is still going to screw up the child. Hey, if it’s “just dating,” why not date a 10 year old? ---
**Author:** ![EpicNonsense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c37758/32.png) [@EpicNonsense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EpicNonsense)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/173 "2008-11-26T17:07:12Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > You might have a point if he hadn’t ASKED for other people’s opinions. Our opinions will not matter much. They may educate him on certain risks and what precautions to take but his mind was made up. It was a whim question. He knew he was taking a big risk so he thought he’d throw that out there to for some education, as well as some entertainment. It’s almost like chumming the water for sharks. He knew this question was going to get very negative reactions but just wanted to see what people would say. slight hijack/ I do the same thing all of the time. Like in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=490916), for example. Luckily though, people came along for the ride and I wasn’t shot down as being a suicidal psychopath. It’s just too bad everyone thinks **Freejooky** is a pedophile now. 😛 /hijack ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/174 "2008-11-26T17:26:37Z")
> [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](#): > > Yeah, he was her Christopher Robin. I love that movie! Off topic, but do you know how to find that movie? I put it in my Netflix queue but apparently it’s unavailable. I really want to see it because from everything I have heard, it’s really good. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/175 "2008-11-26T17:34:59Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Off topic, but do you know how to find that movie? I put it in my Netflix queue but apparently it’s unavailable. I really want to see it because from everything I have heard, it’s really good. I own a VHS copy and will bring it into Manhattan, if you like, for you. PM me if you want to borrow it. ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/176 "2008-11-26T17:37:19Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > I just want to know - do they know how old you are? Not, “she said she told them how old I am and they’re cool with it” or “they met me so of course they know how old I am”. Girls who meet guys can lie to them, or people can be mistaken about how old someone is. I mean, **did you mention to them that you’re 27?** Really good point. At 27, my husband could have easily passed for 19 or 20. I don’t know much about the OP, but depending on his dress, demeanor and career, it’s possible her parents think he is college-aged. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/177 "2008-11-26T17:37:49Z")
> [@SkeptiJess](#): > > On the other hand, my mother- and father-in-law were OK with my youngest sister-in-law (15 at the time) dating an older man (he was 27, coincidentally). Becky ended up pregant, married and dropped out of high school at 16. And she ended up an abused wife at 17, and an abandoned single mother at 18. > > If we are talking anecdotes, here. Yeah, that’s always a possibility and was in the back of my head when I posted about altering the young girl’s trajectory. It’s a darker scenario than her just not finishing school or going to college, of course. OP, if you decide you must try it, I would be sure that you make some opportunities to be seen with her AND her parents, e.g. out to dinner. I’d want witnesses who saw you with them to establish that the parents seemingly approved. Not that it would necessarily save your ass, but that it might help. I don’t know the details and IANAL but the parents could still say, “We didn’t object to them dating, but we didn’t know about the sex.” I don’t know that there’s a “legal condom” against that. I’ll echo **Ferret** ’s concern about whether the parents absolutely know you’re 27. And **EpicNonsense** ’s anecdote rings true…even as adults, haven’t we all been in breakups where the person goes from loving you to hating you in a nanosecond? IMO breakups are one of the moments in life where you see people how they really are, whether they have class and dignity and will take some responsibility for their actions, or whether they just want to lash out. > [@SkeptiJess](#): > > Anyway, this is just a Bad Idea in general in our society right now. It just _is_. Your particular situation may work out, but it is a foolish experiment nonetheless. > > I know that I would not have allowed my kids to date 27 year olds when they were 16. And now that my kids are older (21 and 22) I would heavily discourage them from dating teenagers, if either of them were so inclined. Bad Idea. Because of the potential and severe repercussions all around, I lean toward being conservative on this issue. But I’ll pick a nit with you here: I think society is becoming looser and looser. The stuff that they’ll put on TV, the lyrics in music, the raves that kids attend on weekends…parents don’t parent like they used to and society panders to the dollar, flash over substance, etc. It’s a helluva lot more “anything goes” than it was when I was growing up. Some “parents” may not bat an eye because they already let their kids do whatever they want. But those same “parents” might be the first to file a lawsuit if the kids screams, too. I would also point out that stigma doesn’t wash off easily. If someone accuses you of child rape or something similar, people will remember the accusation forever. Being proven innocent in a court of law, well, “he probably had a sharp lawyer, walked scot free on a technicality, bribed the judge” etc. ETA: Anybody see “Hard Candy”? [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0424136/](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0424136/) ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/178 "2008-11-26T17:44:48Z")
> [@Freejooky](#): > > I’m an adult - 27 years old - and I met an amazing girl this past weekend. The problem: she’s 16. Not a good idea. She may be sharp, she may be witty, but in the end, she’s jailbait. Besides, she’s outside the formula. Half your age plus 7 is 20.5. Go find a 21 year old. ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/179 "2008-11-26T17:45:55Z")
By your continued dating of this girl (that first meeting, holding hands and quiet talking – that was the first date) I’m assuming that you’ve researched the legal age issues, and 16 is cool where you live. Because if you’re in California, or one of the other ‘age 18’ states, you’re taking a huge risk. Even if nothing happens, even in an innocent situation, being alone with an underage girl is dangerous. If she’s legal, no problem, but if not – how are you going to explain it if you’re pulled over? She’s a teenage girl, and no matter how mature, subject to hormone-induced emotional highs and lows. What if she’s upset by something, something innocuous, and starts crying? How will it look if you’re trying to console her, and she’s tearing away? How will you explain that to the cops? Good on you for meeting the parents, and it seems like you have the right attitude, but again, please consider all the issues here. ---
**Author:** ![steronz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steronz/32/11765_2.png) [@steronz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steronz)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2008, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389/180 "2008-11-26T18:06:07Z")
Smug nerd hasn’t felt chemistry with anyone since he was 16. Read: 27 year old virgin is intimidated by adult women. I’m guessing there’s also some fear of sex or inadequacy, which is one reason a pre-sexual child might seem attractive. Call me heartless, but when I was 27, not being able to sleep with a girlfriend for 2 years minimum would have sent me packing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-date-a-high-schooler/474389.md?page=10)