# "Can I pet your dog?" No. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2012, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861 "2012-08-08T14:52:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/81 "2012-08-09T02:45:32Z")
> [@Chipacabra](#): > > “Sorry, no” is all you need to say. > > I’m kind of surprised at some of the responses here. Have none of you ever, you know, interacted with random people? If you lead off with an explanation, people will always, always, try to come up with why your explanation doesn’t apply to them. Oh, he’s shy? That’s OK dogs love me. Oh, he’s nervous? That’s OK he’ll feel better once I start petting him! Oh, he’s a service dog on duty? That’s OK I’ll just pet him anyway. > > If someone doesn’t have the empathy to see that a dog doesn’t want to be petted right now, I don’t think you have any obligation to show empathy for their precious snowflake feelings. We’re talking about an adult interacting with an eight-year old who asked politely. What kind of children are trying to pet your dog?:rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/82 "2012-08-09T05:49:02Z")
IMO it does children some good to know that not all dogs can or should be approached, I see no need to sugarcoat it. I was a dog-crazy kid; it took lots of time and getting bitten 3 times (not seriously, thankfully) and snapped at many more to teach me that many dogs didn’t enjoy me running up, squealing, petting them all over, or hugging them. Looking back I shake my head at how clueless the adults involved in these situations were. If anything I believe far, far too many dog owners err irresponsibly on the side of ‘oh, Fido LOVES people!’ and do not pay enough attention to their dog’s preferences, body language, or the children in question. I know so many people who were bitten as children by someone’s trusted family pet, often on the face and seriously. It’s almost always the fault of adults. Know your dog and respect its thresholds. I have two dogs, the younger has some social anxiety and I do not permit children near him (he’s never bitten anyone, due in part to me being vigilant I believe). ETA: I usually do treat denying kids petting rights as a ‘teachable moment’ though. Sometimes I give a whole spiel where I thank them for asking, tell them you should always ask, and explain to them that some dogs are just not friendly. But if you’re not in the mood or don’t have time for that, I still see nothing wrong with saying ‘No, sorry’ and walking onward. I’ve done it. ---
**Author:** ![Chipacabra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@Chipacabra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chipacabra)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/83 "2012-08-09T07:03:42Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > We’re talking about an adult interacting with an eight-year old who asked politely. What kind of children are trying to pet your dog?:rolleyes: All of my examples were grownups. ☹ I have nothing against the little kid in the OP. Kid doesn’t get what she wants, complains about it, that’s normal stuff. The kid’s parent was the jerk. ---
**Author:** ![Floater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dc4da7/32.png) [@Floater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Floater)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/84 "2012-08-09T07:34:26Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > How dare they ask a polite question!! > > :rolleyes: No need for the rolleyes. The question just wasn’t theirs to ask. > [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > I don’t see why on earth they shouldn’t ask. I don’t understand the obsession with wanting to pet other peoples’ dogs. Do Americans have the same lax attitude if a complete stranger comes up and says “Oh, what a nice child you have, may I cuddle her?” or even do it without asking? ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/85 "2012-08-09T11:47:17Z")
> [@Floater](#): > > I don’t understand the obsession with wanting to pet other peoples’ dogs. Do Americans have the same lax attitude if a complete stranger comes up and says “Oh, what a nice child you have, may I cuddle her?” or even do it without asking? I don’t know where you come from, but do they keep their children on leashes and make them eat on the floor? Do your dogs grow up to be people? What a fascinating planet it must be. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/86 "2012-08-09T11:49:04Z")
> [@Floater](#): > > I don’t understand the obsession with wanting to pet other peoples’ dogs. Do Americans have the same lax attitude if a complete stranger comes up and says “Oh, what a nice child you have, may I cuddle her?” or even do it without asking? If you have a baby or a dog, you can expect to be approached by well-intentioned people. MOST don’t ask to hold the baby, but many will comment on how (beautiful/well-behaved/fussy/fat) she is. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/87 "2012-08-09T12:30:47Z")
> [@Floater](#): > > No need for the rolleyes. The question just wasn’t theirs to ask. > > I don’t understand the obsession with wanting to pet other peoples’ dogs. Do Americans have the same lax attitude if a complete stranger comes up and says “Oh, what a nice child you have, may I cuddle her?” or even do it without asking? One of the reasons I enjoy walking our dog is the delight little kids get in coming up to her and asking to pet her. Many kids can’t have pets and it’s a chance to visit one up close. I always thank them for asking so nicely and compliment them on being gentle. If the parents are not rushed we even talk for a few minutes about how fluffy and soft her fur is etc. My dog is very child friendly and loves the attention so I can let the kids visit. However, if my dog wasn’t in the mood to be petted, “no” (with a gentle explanation) is a fine answer. However, the child (or adult for that matter) has done nothing wrong in asking. Socially, it’s no worse than asking someone the time or for directions. It’s not an obsession, it’s just one of the simple pleasures in life. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/88 "2012-08-09T12:55:27Z")
Eh…I think it can be appropriate to add a polite explanation of the “No,” but the “No” has to come _first_. Any explanation that wanders around through the dog’s history before concluding with “no” is going to result in the person petting the dog while listening to you finish talking. > [@pulykamell](#): > > What pisses me off is people who just approach and manhandle my dog without even asking. I was at a bar yesterday (at a doggie-get-together event), and I was just about to lose it when this guy approached my pit mix and started to manhandle it, giving it commands, and tugging on his collar when he didn’t obey. Now, it’s a doggie get-together, so I get people not asking permission, assuming all the dogs are okay with human interaction. That’s fine. But tugging on his collar and correcting him? I’m new to dogs, so I don’t know if this is normal, but it seemed weird to me. I didn’t want to cause a scene, but I really was _that_ close to losing my shit, before he lost interest and continued on his way. I mean, if my dog freaks out and mauls the guy for being too playful with him, who’s the one going to get blamed? **Absolutely** outside the bounds of “dog people” social rules! The only time it’s even remotely appropriate to correct someone else’s dog is when said dog is crossing boundaries (like, say, off-leash and provoking your dog) and the person responsible isn’t correcting the issue himself/herself. As you are no doubt aware, it’s even more important with a pit mix, because of the media glare. We are responsible for setting our dogs up to succeed, not fail. Don’t be shy about expressing yourself in the future. And good on you for rescuing! ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/89 "2012-08-09T13:23:55Z")
Positive story: I was walking the dog at the park last week. Toddler spots the big, pretty dog and wants to pet. Mommy was right. on. top. of that. (Yea for Mom!) Mom asked if toddler could pet the dog. Using toddler words, I answered Mom and said, well she can be kind of shy, let her walk up and sniff you. The hair on the back of her neck was raised a bit, only half-mast, which for her, means she’s cautiously curious, but not quite afraid yet. This is the mission-critical point. If the kid flails, makes a sudden movement, or grabs at the dog, it’s on. If the kid chases the dog, it’s on. Mom stood behind the child, but with her arms around the kid, so if the dog lunged, she could pull her kid back. The toddler was cool about it. She just stood there and let the dog sniff her. My dog really likes calm kids. She sniffed, licked the kid in the face (invoking that adorable toddler giggle) so we let the kid pet the dog a bit. Dog wags, kid giggles, Mom and I breathe a sigh of relief at each other that both kid and dog learned a little something about social interaction between the species. Negative story: I’m walking the dog past a house where there is obviously a family barbecue underway in the backyard. Toddler is running wild around the yard with a big stick in his hand. He spots the dog, lets out that ear-piercing squeal that only toddlers can make, and starts running full-bore right at the dog, waving a big stick. My dog freaked the fuck out – it was the stick. She is not threatened by a tiny human who is much smaller than herself. But she’s not fond of anyone or anything coming at her with a big stick. I gave the kid a death stare and said “NO!” in a loud, firm, bad-kid voice. Did not slow that kid down one step. Still coming at us with the big stick. Meanwhile, my dog is dancing around, pawing the ground, and barking furiously. She doesn’t bark unless she feels really threatened. (She doesn’t even bark when someone comes to the door. Maybe a half-hearted woof if she was surprised.) I start pulling the dog away, trying to get away from the kid as fast as I can. I see the dad – who heard the big dog bark – come running after his kid, tells him NO again, and scoops him up before the kid got within six feet of us. Which was a good thing, because that kid would have gotten bit, waving that stick around. It’s up to me to know my dog, know what freaks her out, and know that I can’t possibly know every little thing that will freak the dog out. It’s my responsibility to make sure that people don’t try to push themselves on the dog. I try to do it in the most polite way possible and 9.5 times out of 10, it’s not a problem. It’s the 0.5 time I worry about. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/90 "2012-08-09T13:25:22Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > As you are no doubt aware, it’s even more important with a pit mix, because of the media glare. We are responsible for setting our dogs up to succeed, not fail. Don’t be shy about expressing yourself in the future. And good on you for rescuing! Thanks. I’ll nip it politely in the bud the next time I come across such behavior. I was honestly just confused whether this was normal or not. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn’t do it, but I’m new to dog ownership. Luckily, Zuk (our dog) has not shown any dog or people agression, and handled it in his stride. Part of me wants to expose him to non-ideal human interactions, so he can handle it and not lose his temper, but this situation was right on the cusp. And then there was the time one week in of having him when he came nose-to-nose with an off-leash pitbull at the park, a pitbull that its own owner was afraid of (and said pitbull went running through the park afterwards–never found out if they caught her. This is while there’s a couple teams of grammar school kids are playing kickball on the fields). Yeah, good times. I did lose my shit that time and told him to get his pitbull the fuck away from mine after the first polite request didn’t work. (“Oh, they’re just playing!” he says, as he reaches down and his pitbull snaps at him, causing the guy to flinch back. He was obviously afraid of his own dog.) Once again, thankfully, Zuk has not shown to be an agressive dog. What the hell is wrong with people? ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/91 "2012-08-09T13:40:59Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > Thanks. I’ll nip it politely in the bud the next time I come across such behavior. I was honestly just confused whether this was normal or not. It’s not. We’ve come across people like that before; it was how we discovered that our dogs don’t listen to anyone other than us and maybe my parents. I have no idea how their doggie brains decided that. As for the OP. First, if it makes you feel better, your dog could just be timid rather than having been abused. We’ve had one of our dogs since he was 12 weeks old, he’s never been abused (unless you count the baby pulling his fur and drooling on him, which he tolerates), and he’s like that with everyone but his family. We raised him in a dog-filled building with a crowded dog run, he’s been socialized like crazy, but he still doesn’t like anyone but us. After three years he warmed up to some people he saw daily, and he’s finally starting to like my mother and one of our friends whom he’s seen occasionally his entire life- the dog is 8 years old. He’s just like that. He’s never bitten anyone or shown any signs of aggression, but he will run from anyone but us. You definitely aren’t rude to not let people pet your dog, but I think it is kind of rude to not give an explanation, especially considering that it takes literally two seconds to say “he’s shy” or “he’s afraid of strangers.” We do it with our unfriendly dog and no one’s ever been offended. (It _is_ tough with kids sometimes because they don’t always think to ask, and unfriendly dog is way cuter than our friendly one. If a kid runs up and asks, we try to specify that they should pet the friendly dog and move the shy one out of the way.) ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/92 "2012-08-09T14:57:36Z")
> [@Chipacabra](#): > > “Sorry, no” is all you need to say. > > I’m kind of surprised at some of the responses here. Have none of you ever, you know, interacted with random people? If you lead off with an explanation, people will always, always, try to come up with why your explanation doesn’t apply to them. Oh, he’s shy? That’s OK dogs love me. Oh, he’s nervous? That’s OK he’ll feel better once I start petting him! Oh, he’s a service dog on duty? That’s OK I’ll just pet him anyway. > > If someone doesn’t have the empathy to see that a dog doesn’t want to be petted right now, I don’t think you have any obligation to show empathy for their precious snowflake feelings. The kid did nothing to deserve a curt response. Curtness is generally considered mildly rude. It would not hurt anyone to say no and then add a simple explaination. It is silly to assume in advance that the kid’s going to act like an ass, and so doesn’t deserve politeness. And really - a kid doesn’t have the “empathy” to understand without asking that your dog doesn’t want petting, so it’s ok to be rude to them? Seriously? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/93 "2012-08-09T15:00:13Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > The kid did nothing to deserve a curt response. Curtness is generally considered mildly rude. It would not hurt anyone to say no and then add a simple explaination. It is silly to assume in advance that the kid’s going to act like an ass, and so doesn’t deserve politeness. > > And really - a kid doesn’t have the “empathy” to understand without asking that your dog doesn’t want petting, so it’s ok to be rude to them? Seriously? 😕 When did “Sorry, no” become rude? ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/94 "2012-08-09T15:09:39Z")
If I were the parent in the situation, first of all, there is no way I would have made a fuss over this either way. That’s not how I roll. However, if stpauler told my child, “Sorry, no, he’s a rescue and skittish,” I’d have thought nothing of it and carried on with my day. If he just said, “Sorry, no,” I’d think he was a bit rude or one of those child-hating people or something. If he then followed up with, “my dog doesn’t like children,” I’d definitely think he was a child hater. That’s just a weird way to put it. Why not, “My dog is nervous around children” or something like that? Besides which, from the explanation in the OP, that’s not even the truth; the truth is that the dog is a rescue and skittish generally. So why not just say that? As for when “sorry, no” became rude, first of all it is only very mildly rude, and second, when someone asks a polite and reasonable question, the societal expectation is that the answer will be similarly polite and reasonable. If the answer is to decline the request, a brief explanation of why is customary. A few words will do. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/95 "2012-08-09T15:15:32Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > When did “Sorry, no” become rude? My guess is about the time Aspergers became all the rage. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/96 "2012-08-09T15:21:25Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > When did “Sorry, no” become rude? Since always. It’s rude (mildly) because it’s unnecessarily “brief or abrupt” as a response. From a dictionary: curt (kûrt). adj. curt·er, curt·est. 1. Rudely brief or abrupt, as in speech or manner. Not all brief or abrupt responses are curt, that depends on the situation, but here it very clearly is. Someone asks “do you have the time?” a “sorry, no” is perfectly un-curt if you don’t in fact have a watch, but if you are visibly wearing a watch, some short explaination is in order (“the battey is out”). ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/97 "2012-08-09T15:24:54Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > When did “Sorry, no” become rude? Not sure I’d categorize it as _rude_, but I’d probably walk away thinking the person was kind of a dick. Which goes to the heart of the OP’s dilemma, I think: do you care that strangers may assume you’re kind of a dick? If not, “sorry, no” is all you need. If so, maybe throw a few more words in there. ---
**Author:** ![TheChileanBlob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thechileanblob/32/435_2.png) [@TheChileanBlob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheChileanBlob)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/98 "2012-08-09T15:25:36Z")
I was on a bus one time, when a blind man with a guide dog got on. Some college kids nearby said to him, “What’s your dog’s name?” He answered “I don’t give it out,” and then ignored them. The college kids were making “Gahh, how rude” noises among themselves, and I thought, “He could have explained about her being a working dog, and not wanting strangers to call her name and distract her, etc…” but then I realized, he has no obligation to explain about guide dogs to the general public. It would have been cool if he had explained, but it’s not his job; he was just trying to go about his business. Imagine how many times a day he gets asked about his dog. Should he have to make a little speech to each of those people? Should OP have to make a little speech to every kid who wants to pet her dog? Sometimes you just want to get on with your day. No one is owed a chance to handle your dog, and no one is owed an explanation why they can’t. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/99 "2012-08-09T15:33:51Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Not sure I’d categorize it as _rude_, but I’d probably walk away thinking the person was kind of a dick. > > Which goes to the heart of the OP’s dilemma, I think: do you care that strangers may assume you’re kind of a dick? If not, “sorry, no” is all you need. If so, maybe throw a few more words in there. I would think that saying it with a smile to a stranger would be sufficient. As much of a dick as I am I would probably add something for a child, but I’m confused by the idea that a curt question answered with “Sorry, no” would be considered rude. I certainly do know how to be rude, and it’s usually more complicated than that to avoid the misimpression that I’m not being rude. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861/100 "2012-08-09T15:49:57Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > I would think that saying it with a smile to a stranger would be sufficient. As much of a dick as I am I would probably add something for a child, but I’m confused by the idea that a curt question answered with “Sorry, no” would be considered rude. I certainly do know how to be rude, and it’s usually more complicated than that to avoid the misimpression that I’m not being rude. I can get how “Sorry, no.” with no more of an explanation can be construed as kind of abrupt. I think that extra bit of explanation helps soften the delivery. Or, maybe he should end it with a smiley face. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-i-pet-your-dog-no/630861.md?page=6)