# Can we sit at the big table? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2017, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278 "2017-07-14T19:52:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/21 "2017-07-15T04:16:56Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Conversely, I wonder how many of the women back home had boyfriends who found out that she had an SO living in the oil fields. :o A woman in every port… and by all accounts, that woman had a man in every fleet 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/22 "2017-07-15T04:49:11Z")
> [@Melbourne](#): > > A woman in every port… and by all accounts, that woman had a man in every fleet 🙂 I’ve certainly heard plenty of stories about women engaging in all sorts of hanky-panky while their husbands were deployed. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/23 "2017-07-15T10:53:08Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Hey! We rated the big table! Neck bones for dinner - yum! > > Putting up with this BS is always exhausting. Check back in tomorrow. I’m really curious about why you do do it. Not challenging you, just seeking to understand what ultimate good is served by “putting up with this BS.”. ---
**Author:** ![MoonMoon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moonmoon/32/2959_2.png) [@MoonMoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoonMoon)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/24 "2017-07-15T11:30:57Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > I don’t have a family, so Family Ties are not important to me, or at least, not a given. Appearances aren’t important to me either. I’d skip the dinner all together. > > Or if you feel you must put in an appearance, show up just for dessert. Or stop by for cocktails and leave when it’s dinnertime. > > I can’t think of one good reason to witness or be a party to this mess. \ But that’s just me. Yeah, this was exactly my reaction. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/25 "2017-07-15T13:05:14Z")
Dayum. I think I’d say that I’m only coming in the future if I can sit at the actual dining room table. Seriously, how difficult is it to clean it off and re-set it for the next day? Doing it the way in the OP comes off as a deliberate snub, and I would refuse to continue participating in such things. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/26 "2017-07-15T17:19:36Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Hey! We rated the big table! Neck bones for dinner - yum! Are they saving the rest of the animal for the other family? ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/27 "2017-07-15T21:38:25Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > I’m really curious about why you do do it. Not challenging you, just seeking to understand what ultimate good is served by “putting up with this BS.”. A fair question. And one, you can be assured, we have asked ourselves and answered differently many times these past many years. We’ve gone years without speaking to him, adopted a mercenary attitude, been friendly with my wife’s half-siblings, and attempted various types of normalcy. None have proven satisfactory over extended time. In short, I think it comes down to my wife wishing for some type of relationship with her father, and trying different ways to have some sort of relationship. And striving for some relationship with our kids and grandkid. Unfortunately, that has proven elusive. I would have cut all contact some time ago, but I support my wife. > [@](#): > > Are they saving the rest of the animal for the other family? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![anomalous1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@anomalous1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anomalous1)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/28 "2017-07-15T23:55:50Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Yet you turned out great. > > _ **Bigamy** _?? WTF?? > > I’m a divorced guy. Happily divorced. I just don’t understand _why_ bigamy. I love my gf and we’ve talked about marriage for its practical benefits, yet in general I don’t really understand marriage, let alone two simultaneous marriages?? What am I missing? > > ETA: maybe I should step away from this. I’m just gob smacked. Was it because “back then” sex outside of marriage was difficult? I can totally understand cheating. I get that. But _marriage_ for christs sake? In total agreement here, although I’ve never been married, it makes sense that marriage doesn’t make sense. Having a girlfriend is difficult enough, more difficult when a wife, but two!? It’s just sheer curiosity about the time-management skills and patience of bigamists that gets me. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/29 "2017-07-16T00:10:29Z")
Was/is the guy an actual bigamist, or did he have a mistress on the side with whom he now lives? Is your wife’s mother still alive? As for “how could they do it”, polygamist marriages were the norm\* for most of human history. It obviously can be done. Or, just watch _Big Love_ or the reality version, _Sister Wives_. \*Not meaning everyone did it, but everyone could do it and lots of people did. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/30 "2017-07-16T00:57:09Z")
I come from polygamous Mormon roots, with three of my great grandparents growing up in such families. It was not pretty, especially for the wives. Lots of unhappy women. As someone who grew up in a second class family as far as my maternal grandparents treated us, I think I would have rather simply not have had that “relationship.” ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/31 "2017-07-16T01:00:58Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > A fair question. And one, you can be assured, we have asked ourselves and answered differently many times these past many years. > > We’ve gone years without speaking to him, adopted a mercenary attitude, been friendly with my wife’s half-siblings, and attempted various types of normalcy. None have proven satisfactory over extended time. > > In short, I think it comes down to my wife wishing for some type of relationship with her father, and trying different ways to have some sort of relationship. And striving for some relationship with our kids and grandkid. Unfortunately, that has proven elusive. > > I would have cut all contact some time ago, but I support my wife. > > 😃 The old cheeseless tunnel. She’s in that _If I’m different/do the Right Thing_ he’ll _be different/do the Right Thing_ ☹ I’m sorry. All that’s at the end of the cheeseless tunnel is heartbreak. Maybe she can shift to _I’m doing this because it’s the Right Thing even if he never changes._ My 93-year old mother is in assisted living. I’m an only child. She’s alienated all her family (a YUUUUGE family), I was out of touch with her for 40 years. But now she needs care and I’m the only one to do it. So I see her twice a week and do her laundry on one of those days. I buy clothes for her, talk to the nurses and aides, make sure her room is tidy. We talk some, but she’s suffering some dementia. I get satisfaction out of doing the right thing although there’s no actual emotional reward in being around her. I’m getting karma points or something. [/unsolicited advice] ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/32 "2017-07-16T01:11:52Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > My 93-year old mother is in assisted living. I’m an only child. She’s alienated all her family (a YUUUUGE family), I was out of touch with her for 40 years. But now she needs care and I’m the only one to do it. So I see her twice a week and do her laundry on one of those days. I buy clothes for her, talk to the nurses and aides, make sure her room is tidy. We talk some, but she’s suffering some dementia. I get satisfaction out of doing the right thing although there’s no actual emotional reward in being around her. I’m getting karma points or something. I think the OP is in a different situation, but your story is a great illustration of what, to a large extent, makes us human. If you can do something to help another person in need and make their life a little better, then good for you. Relative or not, but in this case your mother, the karma points are deserved! ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/33 "2017-07-16T01:21:52Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I think the OP is in a different situation, but your story is a great illustration of what, to a large extent, makes us human. If you can do something to help another person in need and make their life a little better, then good for you. Relative or not, but in this case your mother, the karma points are deserved! Thanks. 🙂 My point was that she can keep engaging in a relationship because it’s the Right Thing and feel good about that, while letting go of the hope that her behavior (or something else) will change that relationship into what she wants. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/34 "2017-07-16T12:27:04Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > Maybe she can shift to _I’m doing this because it’s the Right Thing even if he never changes._ Yeah, that’s definitely been in the range of “normalcies” we’ve attempted, but had difficulty sustaining as years turn into decades. Maybe we just aren’t that nice of people. **John** - I haven’t researched any official/legal definition of bigamy (tho IIRC, we learned of this when we were both in law school, and were convinced that various state laws had been violated.) He was married to my wife’s mom, and had 3 daughters with her. When the girls were young, he had an affair with his bookkeeper (to become wife2), and wife1 crawled into a bottle. Affair soon ended, but when my wife was 6 or so, it restarted. He had 2 kids with wife2, set them up in a house a couple of suburbs over, and wife2 and kids used his last name. Split time between the households under the guise of travel/long work hours/stamp collecting conventions. I assume there was no marriage ceremony/certificate, but if our state recognized common-law marriage, this would have been one. Wife2 knew the entire solution. I think kids2 assumed wife1 was either dead or divorced. After things came to light, Wife 1 divorced him (and got screwed in the settlement) and he married wife2. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/35 "2017-07-16T13:02:49Z")
Why your wife would want any sort of relationship with this person is beyond me. He’s a bad person, and good people don’t willingly associate with bad people. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/36 "2017-07-16T13:25:05Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Why your wife would want any sort of relationship with this person is beyond me. He’s a bad person, and good people don’t willingly associate with bad people. As strange as bigamy may be, I disagree here. I spent a lovely day yesterday with my daughter. I’ve done bad things in my life. I’m still her dad and she’s still my daughter. Good people do bad things, and all that. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/37 "2017-07-16T13:27:13Z")
> [@Tee](#): > > Me? I would get a friend to pose as your wife’s other husband for the night, borrow a couple of small kids and take them too, go to dinner, enjoy the food and be perfectly cordial. I’d be vague about who belongs to whom. > > If there were further occasions, I’d bring different small kids and bring an extra woman. this is my favorite answer. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/38 "2017-07-16T13:33:51Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > As strange as bigamy may be, I disagree here. I spent a lovely day yesterday with my daughter. I’ve done bad things in my life. I’m still her dad and she’s still my daughter. Good people do bad things, and all that. He lied to his children for years, broke his vows, drove his wife to drink and screwed her over in the divorce. That’s not just a few bad things. If I had done all that, I wouldn’t have wanted my child to associate with someone like me. Besides, I wouldn’t deserve him. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/39 "2017-07-16T13:43:13Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Yet you turned out great. > > _ **Bigamy** _?? WTF?? > > I’m a divorced guy. Happily divorced. I just don’t understand _why_ bigamy. I love my gf and we’ve talked about marriage for its practical benefits, yet in general I don’t really understand marriage, let alone two simultaneous marriages?? What am I missing? > > ETA: maybe I should step away from this. I’m just gob smacked. Was it because “back then” sex outside of marriage was difficult? I can totally understand cheating. I get that. But _marriage_ for christs sake? Try multiple simultaneous marriages, to women who each of them thinks she’s the only one. Spanish comic book artist [Vázquez](https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manuel_V%C3%A1zquez_Gallego) claimed to have been married between 7 and 14 times (the number appeared to depend on his audience); he’d juggle multiple women at the same time before abandoning one after another, and basically hit on anybody who was female and didn’t look at him as if he’d just crawled from under a rock (he hit on me a few times when I was in college; dude had ten years on my dad). He was the classical example of someone who “lied more than he talked”, but he certainly spent a lot of time chasing skirts. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278/40 "2017-07-16T13:50:02Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > He lied to his children for years, broke his vows, drove his wife to drink and screwed her over in the divorce. That’s not just a few bad things. If I had done all that, I wouldn’t have wanted my child to associate with someone like me. > > Besides, I wouldn’t deserve him. _We haven’t heard his side to all this._ You seem to assume the wife he “drove to drink” was without fault. And as far as him “screwing her over in the divorce”, if such a thing were possible, I would have attempted to do so in my own divorce. Turns out the courts and opposing counsel have some say in the matter. ETA: I can’t believe I’m defending a bigamist. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-we-sit-at-the-big-table/791278.md?page=3)