# Can you hang out with folks who have beliefs you don't agree with **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 5, 2018, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140 "2018-08-05T18:05:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/41 "2018-08-06T14:36:46Z")
As long as someone is willing to explain the logic behind a belief I don’t mind hearing it. I lean conservative but at least 70% of my friends lean liberal. I have never been a Trump supporter but I do support some of his policies. The man himself defies logic and I often feel anyone who can fully support him has to either be a hypocrite or is just woefully uninformed. I won’t hang with any kind of racist. I tolerate slightly homophobic views as I am slightly homophobic myself when it comes to showing off ones sexuality. I still see that as as a private thing and I have no problem with that. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/42 "2018-08-06T14:38:33Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > Well, by actions I mean like someone having racist beliefs vs. someone actually discriminating against someone or being hostile to someone. Although I guess constantly talking crazy and never getting the hint that I’m not interested wouldn’t help either. The biggest problem I see with that is that actions and beliefs aren’t that separable. What you believe is what you use to determine your actions. In fact, you can use someone’s actions to determine whether they have told the truths about their beliefs. So, while I could agree with you in theory, in practice I can’t see how someone with racist beliefs hasn’t acted upon them at some point. So it become more a measure of how harmful those beliefs are in practice as to whether I can tolerate it. In practice, this tends to at least mean the person at least tries not to be racist and is open to changing beliefs at some level–even if not changing everything at once. The only thing I can see stopping a belief from leading to action is that you have another, stronger belief that takes precedence. It’s hard to do with racism, so I’ll take homophobia. You think being gay is a sin. However, you also think it’s wrong to force that beliefs on others, and they have to decide for themselves. That is a big difference between the person who believes the same but thinks it is their duty. But the problem there is that no belief will completely nullify another, so the bad belief will still lead to back actions. In this one, you might still discriminate against gay people because you feel like you’d be taking part in their gayness if you don’t. Or you might champion “education” that teaches people the “problems” with being gay, to help them “make a decision.” Or even support conversion camps for those who “decide” to stop sinning. So I think it depends entirely on how bad I think the actions are. Will they hurt me? Will I be helping them feel like their actions are okay and encourage more? Will liking them make me more sympathetic to their wrong beliefs? Fortunately, with racism, the decision is pretty much made for me. I don’t know anyone sufficiently racist who isn’t an asshole. Homophobia is harder, but I find that I’m moving away from people who see it as a problem. The only thing that gives me pause is influence: friends have more influence than non-friends. Can my being friends with some awful people help them become less awful? I know I’m one who is rather resolute in my beliefs now–are they strong enough that I can get in and help others? My general practice is not to seek this sort of thing out, but exploit it when I can. I’ve at least gotten some pro-lifers to be anti-abortion but pro-choice. I’ve convinced people that homosexuality may not be a sin. I’ve gotten people to at least stop using hurtful words, even if I can’t completely change their beliefs. So it seems worth it. Sorry if that seemed a bit rambly, but I don’t feel like going back and editing this and then losing chunks of it, like I usually do. So take it as it is. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/43 "2018-08-06T14:41:23Z")
I believe in respecting other people and their viewpoints. I believe in being polite and professional. I enjoy learning about differing viewpoints, and if I learn something new, all the better. If the other people can respect the fact that we differ on some things, and they then don’t repeatedly try to convert me, I think for the most part that we can get along well enough. Some of my best friends hold strongly differing views. We’ve shared those views, and we don’t try to convert each other, and we seek and enjoy the common ground that we share. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/44 "2018-08-06T14:42:43Z")
I’d be surprised if there is anyone who agrees with me on everything. And I’d probably not want to hang out with them either, what a weirdo they’d be. I have many friends who believe fundamentally different things than I do, including religion, sexual orientation, politics, and in one case, conspiracy theories, and as long as those subjects don’t come up, I can usually get along with them fine without any problem. I am even open to having my mind changed on certain smaller issues. ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/45 "2018-08-06T14:44:55Z")
There’s racism as in believing that certain harmless stereotypes are true, like black friends saying white people can’t jump, which do not lead to blatant discrimination, and then there’s racism. ---
**Author:** ![senoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@senoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/senoy)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/46 "2018-08-06T14:51:50Z")
> [@GuanoLad](#): > > I’d be surprised if there is anyone who agrees with me on everything. And I’d probably not want to hang out with them either, what a weirdo they’d be. If you find someone that agrees with you on absolutely everything, don’t hang out with him because he’s an idiot. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/47 "2018-08-06T15:27:00Z")
Hey all, thanks for the responses. One thing I’d like to emphasis (as this was a key point in my real-life discussion) we’re not talking about actively talking about the issue in question. The whole premise was “Potential new acquaintance is an anti-vaxxer (or whatever), you find that point of view really unappealing and are not going to change your mind, but there will be no active discussion or evangelizing on it while you’re together.” In other words - is the mere knowledge that this person subscribes to that belief, even if there’s absolutely no talk about it, enough to make you not want to associate with them, even if you have plenty of other stuff in common? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/48 "2018-08-06T15:31:25Z")
Folks who are like, “Sure, I’ll hang out with anyone”: I want to clarify. Let’s say you meet someone like [Matt Hale](https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/intelligence-report/2003/world-church-creator-turmoil-after-leader-matt-hale-imprisoned) through a friend. You find out that the person you’ve met advocates loudly for a racial holy war in which everyone who’s not white will be murdered; after the majority of humanity is wiped out, your new acquaintance believes the remaining humans will live in a whites-only utopia. This new acquaintance likes to wear shirts with the image of [Benjamin Smith](https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/intelligence-report/1999/logic-extremism), a racist mass murderer. To the best of your knowledge your new acquaintance hasn’t ever actually committed violence against anyone, despite their vocal advocacy of genocide. Those of you who don’t choose friends based on beliefs, you’re cool hanging out with this guy? > [@adaher](#): > > There’s racism as in believing that certain harmless stereotypes are true, like black friends saying white people can’t jump, which do not lead to blatant discrimination, and then there’s racism. One helpful distinction, IMO, is that racism is racial prejudice backed by institutional power. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/49 "2018-08-06T15:47:05Z")
> [@Athena](#): > > Hey all, thanks for the responses. > > One thing I’d like to emphasis (as this was a key point in my real-life discussion) we’re not talking about actively talking about the issue in question. The whole premise was “Potential new acquaintance is an anti-vaxxer (or whatever), you find that point of view really unappealing and are not going to change your mind, but there will be no active discussion or evangelizing on it while you’re together.” > > In other words - is the mere knowledge that this person subscribes to that belief, even if there’s absolutely no talk about it, enough to make you not want to associate with them, even if you have plenty of other stuff in common? If the belief system is repugnant, then yes, mere knowledge is enough. If you told me someone was a member of NAMBLA or a climate change denier, or a Trumpist, or a member of the KKK, then I would not want to hang out with them. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/50 "2018-08-06T16:08:42Z")
I wouldn’t be able to hang out with people who I learned hold extremist views, no, nor would I want my kids around them. I also wouldn’t want to hang out with people whose actions I feel are completely repugnant. For example, a former friend of mine bragged to me about how she’d started inviting strangers in her house for sex while her husband and kids slept upstairs. She thought it was hilarious. I try hard not to judge people, and her marriage had been on the rocks before it even started, but what really threw me was that she was a psychologist for the local public school system for special needs kids; she shared that she’d had sex with one of the kids’ dads in her office. The thought that she thought it was “funny” to fuck strangers in her own home with her kids nearby or to even entertain the idea of doing something like that with her students’ parents made me wonder what else (and who else) she was willing to do in her position. I used to think she was a pretty cool person, but suddenly I couldn’t talk to her without feeling dirty. ---
**Author:** ![TRC4941](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trc4941/32/6792_2.png) [@TRC4941](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TRC4941)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/51 "2018-08-06T17:51:45Z")
> [@senoy](#): > > If I only hung out with people who agreed with me, I’d never leave the house. Actually, my wife disagrees with me too on many things, so I’d have to lock myself in the bathroom. > > People are all trying to just muddle through life. Some muddle along different paths than I do. I’ll never change their mind by shunning them. My beliefs are not so fragile that they can’t stand up to debate. I guess if all you wanted to do every time I saw you was talk about how awesome Trump is or denigrate my beliefs I would probably stop hanging out with you, but more out of an absolute boredom that that’s all that your life is. My best friend is a Trumpist and occasionally we wander into that territory, but usually we talk about kids and jobs and hobbies. You might not notice from a message board, but I tend to be more of a listener than a talker in real life. I like to mull over what other people think and say. My father-in-law thought I was a Republican for years simply because when we talked politics I just let him talk. I learned a long time ago that you almost never change people’s minds with facts or debate. Beliefs are social and emotional in nature. Everyone thinks their beliefs are rational and everyone else is a fool, but they aren’t. (Of course you, dear reader, are the exception. Your beliefs are the result of a million hours of long debate, pain-staking research and wrestling with Jacob’s angel. The rest of us do not possess your intellect, so you’ll excuse us.) Changing minds generally involves emotional connection and social advantage, so changing minds involves dialogue and true relationship, not social shunning and a treatise on social democracy. If someone that disagrees with me or hates my beliefs wants to pal around, then by all means, let’s hang out. Perfectly said! ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/52 "2018-08-06T18:26:48Z")
It depends on how extreme the beliefs are in terms of their practical consequences. There’s a local musician who runs an open blues jam that I’d been meaning to attend - until I saw his flat-Earth posts. The flat-Earth stuff isn’t a dealbreaker as long as he isn’t pushing for it to be taught in schools, but it’s often co-morbid with Holocaust denial, so I asked him if he believed that the Holocaust happened. He said he wasn’t sure. Some of his friends chimed in that I had asked a gatekeeper question typical of one-government Rothchild Zionists or some such. I’d rather not play with that guy. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/53 "2018-08-06T18:29:47Z")
Depends on their beliefs, and whether they’re polite or not about them. Most of the time, I can. Likewise, I’ve found people I agree with to be absolutely insufferable. Mostly it’s people who can’t stand the idea of ANYONE disagreeing with them, and are loud and obnoxious about it that I stay away from. Either that or just let them ramble on. I’m also pretty fortunate in that most of my family, including my extended family, generally has the same type of political/religious beliefs. And we tend not to argue politics anyways. And doesn’t everyone have that one older relative who goes on long rants about various politicians or issues, and it’s almost ALWAYS the same thing, over and over? Surely I’m not the only one? And they really don’t care if you agree really, they just want to talk about it, so you’re just like, “Okay Pappap, whatever.” Anyone? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![wolfpup](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpup/32/10618_2.png) [@wolfpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfpup)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/54 "2018-08-06T18:51:46Z")
It all depends, of course, as others have said, but I find that really good lifelong friendships transcend most of those kinds of differences. I have a very good friend whose politics is radically different from mine and that of most of my other friends. But there’s more to life and good friendships than politics. We can argue about it in a non-serious way and then cheerfully move on to something completely different. We’re not going to get into fisticuffs over what party to vote for when we’ve known each other practically forever and traveled more or less at the same time through some of life’s major transitions. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/55 "2018-08-06T22:34:33Z")
Being an atheist, I’ve grown accustomed to literally everyone around me holding beliefs I don’t agree with. The way this plays out is they don’t mention the subject, and I don’t mention the subject, and everything is fine, or at least a reasonably facsimile thereof. If somebody brings it up, though, all bets are off for the remainder of the interaction. ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2018, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/56 "2018-08-06T23:43:46Z")
I’ve been hanging out on the SDMB for 18 years. Nobody here agrees with me on everything, and most people disagree with me on many things. But, I rarely to into GD, Elections, or the Pit, so it’s rarely a problem. ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2018, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/57 "2018-08-07T00:28:19Z")
I don’t feel any need to control other people’s thoughts, or to convert the unbelievers. If asked, I will give my opinion. You give your opinion. Life goes on. An American always believes that he is the smartest person in the room. But the hallmark of a gentleman is being gracious to one’s inferiors. So, I am polite to you, you are polite to me, and everybody is happy. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2018, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/58 "2018-08-07T00:41:35Z")
> [@mbh](#): > > I’ve been hanging out on the SDMB for 18 years. Nobody here agrees with me on everything… I don’t agree with that. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2018, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/59 "2018-08-07T01:13:30Z")
> [@Athena](#): > > “As long as they don’t dominate the conversation with it or try to change my mind, I have no issues hanging out and potentially becoming friends with them.” To keep the peace, I can tolerate quite a bit, and keep quite a bit to myself. But if someone else clearly doesn’t have the same ethic, then I’m off. For example, I don’t talk politics at work, at all. I have my beliefs and I’m convinced I’m right, but I recognize that not everybody shares my beliefs, and the workplace isn’t the place to lock horns on that. We have one Trump fan co-worker who constantly goes on about it… of course I don’t respect anyone who is a Trump fan, but multiply that 10x as much for someone who doesn’t read the room and realize that nobody is down for that shit. ---
**Author:** ![harmonicamoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/65b543/32.png) [@harmonicamoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonicamoon)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2018, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140/60 "2018-08-07T01:21:53Z")
My pro-trump brother won’t accept any cites that aren’t trump approved. So, we just stay away from politics. And religion. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-hang-out-with-folks-who-have-beliefs-you-dont-agree-with/819140.md?page=4)