# Can you help me figure out how to take this? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 2, 2008, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779 "2008-11-02T23:19:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dragongirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b38774/32.png) [@dragongirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dragongirl)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2008, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/1 "2008-11-02T23:19:48Z")
I’m going to try to make a long story short here. A few years ago, I was in a very bad, abusive marriage. I was emotioanlly torn down to nothing. Online,I met a male friend. We became very close and he encouraged me to leave the marriage, pursue a good job and helped build my self esteem a lot. Without him, I wouldn’t be where I am now. We would speak on the phone every night for up to 7 hours. He told me several times that he loved me, we would have phone sex and I send him naughty pictures. He gave me money for a divorce laywer, not much, but enough to get me started. He also send me boxes of food, when things were very rough on me and my daughter to help. He lived out of state, so we never met. In spite of this, he said he did not want to have a girlfriend. He was in school and caring for ill family members and holding down several jobs. He said that a girlfriend would be more then he could take on. This, led to a disastorous fight and for a few weeks we did not talk or email and I was nealy suicidal during that time. We began to speak again, slowly, but never became as close as we were. Now, several years later, we are still friends and still speak over the phone, about once a week. We still email a few times a week. During one of these conversations, he and I were reminising about the old times and he said that he missed me and missed getting pictures of me. I took some new pictures and mailed them to him, which he liked very much and said he found to be very attractive and sexy. That was just two weeks ago. We had not and have not had phone sex since the fight. Yesterday, I discovered he had a girl friend. I was not spying or hunting him down or stalking him online. I discovered this from a mutual friend. In looking at the girl’s webpage, it seems that they have been together for at least a year, if not more. Now, I have no idea how I am suppossed to react. I am grown up enough to know that we will never be a couple. I am not devastated or anything. But, I cannot understand why he never mentioned that he had a girlfriend and why he asked me for more pictures. In discussing this with another male friend, he feels that to my old friend, I am nothing more then an internet porn star. If that’s the case, it is disturbing. I felt that we were, at least, good friends that genuinly cared for each other’s well being. It is also hurtful, becasue my former husband treated me as nothing more than an object and I was under the inpression that my friend saw me as a real human being with feelings. ---
**Author:** ![Pullet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Pullet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pullet)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2008, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/2 "2008-11-02T23:41:17Z")
You seem to be a magnet for jack-asses. Sorry ☹ ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2008, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/3 "2008-11-02T23:47:34Z")
You’ve never met this guy, and you’ve sent him naughty pictures? It looks like your imagination did a lot of filling in. I think you need to accept this guy is not who you think he is, and get working on your self-esteem. It’s nice that he helped you a bit with money and food, but that might have been just to lull your warning signals. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2008, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/4 "2008-11-02T23:57:47Z")
To be brutally honest, here’s what it looks like to me… He genuinely wanted to help you escape from your predicament. He finds you attractive enough for phone sex, etc, but does not want to form a committed relationship with you - there might be any number of reasons for this - maybe he’s frightened of your background/history, or something. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings by turning you down directly, so he lied (or made an excuse), saying he didn’t want a girlfriend at all. All of that is just my impression/opinion, BTW - some, all or none of which may be correct - but if I’m right, he does want to be your genuine friend, but that’s probably all. ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2008, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/5 "2008-11-03T00:38:41Z")
Your chronology is confusing. I’m assuming that the [cyber sex](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=7081050#post7081050) you had was with the person in the OP. If so, then you were pretty sure that it wasn’t going anywhere in Feb. 2006. Was it before or after this that you became suicidal when you learned that you wouldn’t be together? If it wasn’t the same guy in the OP, then maybe the fact that you were having cyber sex with someone else is what led him to believe that it was OK to be with other people. Does your online/phone friend know about the [boyfriend who gave you the hicky](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=483250) less than 2 months ago in the middle of Sept. 2008? Maybe your online friend thought it was OK to have a girlfriend and not mention her since you already have a boyfriend. Other than that, I’m a little baffled about the relationship myself. Too many players to keep track of. And the timeline is very confusing. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2008, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/6 "2008-11-03T02:04:57Z")
> [@dragongirl](#): > > But, I cannot understand why he never mentioned that he had a girlfriend and why he asked me for more pictures. How old are you again? ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2008, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/7 "2008-11-03T02:32:39Z")
I say the following with genuine concern and best intentions: Perhaps you should consider (1) abstaining from romantic/sexual relationships for a while and (2) getting counseling to help you understand why you make the choices you do when it comes to men, and to help you eventually pursue healthier relationships. You seem to attract users and abusers. Time to learn how not to do that. **ivylass** ’s suggestion about improving your self-esteem is a good one. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/8 "2008-11-10T00:23:57Z")
I don’t think you’ll ever be able to really find out what his motivation is unless you ask him, although I don’t know if I’d recommend that course of action. That conversation sounds like it could get real ugly real fast. As for the dirty pictures, who knows what his motivation was? Maybe he was horny. Maybe he is using you and treats like you an object. Maybe he is having a rough patch with his GF and playing his cards so you’d be in the wings. All in all, he doesn’t sound like a bad guy. I’d just forgive him and move on. Like I said earlier, if this is really bothering you, you’re just gonna have to ask him. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/9 "2008-11-10T02:45:37Z")
Several years ago I had a long-distance relationship with a woman I’d never met. We never had phone sex or sent dirty pictures, but we were fairly close. I helped her pay off some bills, and she paid me back, which was a big test of faith. We kinda flirted with getting closer, but from my side, and I never really voiced this to her because I didn’t want to hurt her: there were some things in her background and her current situation that were alarm bells for me. She’d been divorced three times, had four kids and some mental health issues. While I had some of the same at the time, I was also fresh off a divorce from a serious nutbag, and I wasn’t interested in moving half-way across the country to be with someone I didn’t know, and had reservations about. One of the minor ‘red flags’ for me was that her adult daughter was a stripper, and she was cool with it. I also knew that she had another close male long-distant friend, and whenever she’d talk in a certain forum, it was him that she mentioned, him that she loved and fawned over, never me. Kinda hard to take her alleged interest in me seriously when another is her public paramour. She asked me to move in with her. I said no. Suddenly we went from talking several times a week, to no contact. Two months later, she got married to a guy she’d just met on-line. Stopped answering e-mails. Never heard from her again. Why I’m telling you this is; It may well be that he just liked you as a friend and didn’t want to go any further. Can’t answer as to the pictures and phone sex thing, because I’ve never walked down that road, but they may have been simply a ‘safe release’ for him. I’d strongly hesitate to call him a liar over his not wanting a girlfriend at the time. Maybe he didn’t, maybe the current relationship just happened. Maybe a whole lot of things that we don’t know. But perhaps, given his situation, feeling like he had enough burdens on his plate with the family thing, he was in an emotional place to help you, but didn’t want to make more. Perhaps your background scared him, as my female friend’s situation scared me off. Perhaps, maybe…really amounts of very little. There’s a lot of shit that could be going on. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/10 "2008-11-10T02:55:28Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > How old are you again? Yep. That’s the key here. Because emotionally you sound like you’re … 15: 16 maybe? I’m not trying to be judgemental, but adults really have a better grasp on this stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/11 "2008-11-10T03:01:30Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Yep. That’s the key here. Because emotionally you sound like you’re … 15: 16 maybe? I’m not trying to be judgemental, but adults really have a better grasp on this stuff. Some do, but not all. How is this comment in any way constructive? It’d be like me saying adults really have a better grasp on spelling. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/12 "2008-11-10T03:24:18Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > but adults really have a better grasp on this stuff. My cite that this is not true is: The Entire World. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/13 "2008-11-10T03:57:45Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > My cite that this is not true is: The Entire World. Oh man. I agree, in retrospect. Adults are just as infantile in a lot of situations. I’m wrong. I have nothing else to add here. (Gracefully bows out after thinking about real life.) ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/14 "2008-11-10T04:16:17Z")
This OP was started a week ago. Am I wrong to think that the OP should show up as some kind of thread etiquette? I’ve been posting in a few threads recently where I’m feeling like I’m talking to myself. Hello? Anyone out there? ETA: Oh. Uh, nevermind, I guess. I see where the OP author links to this thread from another one. I haven’t read that one yet. Maybe it’s a continuation of this one. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/15 "2008-11-10T04:19:22Z")
> [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](#): > > This OP was started a week ago. Am I wrong to think that the OP should show up as some kind of thread etiquette? I’ve been posting in a few threads recently where I’m feeling like I’m talking to myself. Hello? Anyone out there? I’m thinking embarrassment ensues. ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/16 "2008-11-10T04:25:12Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I’m thinking embarrassment ensues. For me? Maybe. If you think I’m wrong, bring it on. I’m prepared to be wrong. I’m still not happy when people abandon their threads. And I wrote this after my ETA on my other post. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/17 "2008-11-10T04:31:49Z")
> [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](#): > > For me? Maybe. If you think I’m wrong, bring it on. I’m prepared to be wrong. I’m still not happy when people abandon their threads. > > And I wrote this after my ETA on my other post. No, no no… For the OP. Sorry! ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/18 "2008-11-10T05:13:47Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > [Quote=dragongirl] > But, I cannot understand why he never mentioned that he had a girlfriend and why he asked me for more pictures. How old are you again? [/QUOTE] To quote Ron White, “Once you’ve seen one woman naked, you pretty much want to see all of 'em naked.” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/19 "2008-11-10T05:59:09Z")
> [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](#): > > For me? Maybe. If you think I’m wrong, bring it on. I’m prepared to be wrong. I’m still not happy when people abandon their threads. > > And I wrote this after my ETA on my other post. I agree with you - I don’t like it when people abandon their own threads, either. It’s like inviting us to your party, and then you bugger off, never to be seen again. When someone comes here asking for advice, I really like it when they come back again and give us some feedback and continue the conversation (instead of just leaving us to talk to ourselves). ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 9:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779/20 "2008-11-10T09:20:02Z")
> [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](#): > > I see where the OP author links to this thread from another one. I haven’t read that one yet. Maybe it’s a continuation of this one. In that [other thread,](http://boardstest.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=492091) she says she has a boyfriend who thinks the world of her. So why spaz out about this guy? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-help-me-figure-out-how-to-take-this/470779.md?page=2)