Hmmm… read the subject line and immediately thought of liquid nitrogen as per “terminator 2”.
Having been bitten by a few critters in my day (not that I can blame them), if the cowhide gloves don’t work out, you might try chain mail :D.
Isn’t that the kind of stuff you wear when swimming with sharks?! Maybe exorcism would be easier… 
We used the wrep-'em-in-a-toweel method to cut the claws of our two newest cats, until they learned to trust us (by which I mean that they came to believe we weren’t going to kill them or anything). They still resist when we try to clip nail/cleanthem/brush teeth/give pills, but now they know it;s not life-threatening and don’t extend their claws when they’re trying to ward us off.
Sometimes surprise will do it. I’m, still astonished that Pepper Mill cleaned off Midnight, who masnaged to sneak in while she was scraping the bathroom walls, bu simply grabbing her into the shower, dousing her with shampoo, rinsing her, then tossing her out the door, all before she knew what was going on. Pepper was afraid Midnight would lick herself off and ingest fiberglass, so the washing was necessary. The amazing part was that 1.) Pepper was in the nude; and 2.) Midnight wasn’t declawed.
We had one failure. we tried adopting another cat, but we’d reached Critical Cat Mass for our house, and the resident felines didn’t take kindly to the newcomer. Newcomer sensed this and, when I tried to pick him up in the presence of the others, bit down HARD on my arm and began vigorous “bunny-footing” of my arm. With claws. I had to smack him off (he was, at one point, hanging on by his teeth alone) and herd him into another room, where he became completely gentle and sweet. He stayed in that room and we took him back the next day. It took a month for my arm to recover.
You might find the following humorous. Although it is meant as a joke it actually does not seem too far from the truth. Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
My cat successfully fought off myself and my (then) wife when we were trying to give her a pill. We tried the kitty burrito method and had a pill plunger thing to shoot the pill into her mouth. The matchup was like this:
1 x 10 pound, 2 year-old, dumbass cat vs. 2 x 150 pound, 28 year-old, college educated humans
The cat won paws down. We figured she had simply never get sick again and need pills as she’d likely die before we could ever get one in her.
Thanks, Whack-a-Mole. I did enjoy Cat Bathing as a Martial Art. We did some bathing when they were little, but I can’t imagine how it would go now!
Is Mandy an in- or outdoor cat? If she’s indoor, it seems your first priority should be to do something about those razor-sharp claws. And yes, she may have to be anesthetized just to trim them the first time, but it’ll make the other problems easier.
My recently-deceased Main Coon was very defensive about being groomed, though otherwise the sweetest cat ever. Through lots of trial and error (and bandages), I learned that there were 2 positions that were safe to hold him in while grooming. Even so, he actually growled during the entire process.
Good luck.
Mandy is definitely indoor. During the whole Vet Tech maiming incident, they did trim her nails for us down to the nubs. That was great for a while. I wish she would let us do it. You would think the other kitties that let us clip their nails would tell her to just go with it, but no such luck.
Sorry, to hear about your kitty. I think Main Coons are lovely. What were his acceptable holding positions? Anything innovative?
Is it possible to train a cat to tolerate (if not enjoy) claw-trimming, pill swallowing, body bathing activities if you start the process when he/she is a kitten? I guess you’d have to see what treats the cat loves you could withhold until one of these activities occurs.
Didn’t mean to leave your question hanging. I say sure you can. Cats we’ve had that we got when they were babies, we can do anything to them. Yeah, they don’t think it’s always the greatest, but we have no fear of being maimed by them. So, when they are little hold them lots. Play with there paws, pressing their nails out so they get used to it. Open their mouths and dig in their ears. Praise and lots of treats as a reward should do the trick! (Mandy is just a whole other story…)
They don’t have to be kittens, though it generally helps. Even my pissy-ass rotten patient kitty has learned to put up with having her toes done and her mouth looked at without carrying on. She doesn’t enjoy it, but she tolerates it because she knows that swatting and biting will result in my tearing her ass up, and then doing whatever I want/need to anyway. If acting like a butt got her what she wanted, she’d be an absolute terror, but as it is there’s too much cost and not enough benefit to make it worthwhile.
Wise words, CrazyCatLady. Wise words. We need to suck it up… while wearing full plate armor!