# Can you re-fall in love with someone? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 10, 2006, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253 "2006-05-10T18:14:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![skittles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ba9def/32.png) [@skittles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/skittles)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/1 "2006-05-10T18:14:35Z")
Now I’m not talking about situations like on TV where someone is currently IN love with someone and then they realize that they are still/again/whatever falling IN love with that person. I’m talking about - you are married - going on XX number of years, have a child - have just drifted and are just BLAH. Is it possible at that point to fall back in love with someone? My husband and I have been married for a few years and we have one child. We have an OK marriage - nothing to write the newspaper about. He is a ‘dirty’ fighter. I mean, he will say the absolute meanest thing he can possibly think of at that particular moment and say it. I have told him this is not acceptable and he has gotten pretty good at stopping - but he still does it from time to time. Problem is, once the words are out of his mouth he forgets that he has said them. Or more likely, they don’t stick to him because it is just a defense weapon at that exact moment. So then he doesn’t understand why things he said maybe years ago can still have an impact on me. He never says he is sorry for saying these things - so to me they are still unresolved issues. I want to tell him tonight that if he isn’t willing to work on this/go to counseling then I want to start legal processes. BUT - what if he is willing to go to counseling. Is it possible to take years worth of hurt and then just forget about it and then fall back in love with someone? ---
**Author:** ![Black\_Train\_Song](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4da419/32.png) [@Black\_Train\_Song](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Black_Train_Song)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/2 "2006-05-10T18:45:12Z")
Let’s hope so. My wife and I have our first appointment scheduled for tomorrow night. Our situation is different in that we usually don’t fight and do get along well but there are trust issues with “friends” outside the marriage. My friends. Friends that I only recently came forward about having. Drop the plural, it’s one friend in particular. Nothing’s happened but the line where right and wrong meet is really fuzzzy. I’m having a hard time feeling in love these days so here’s to I hope so. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/3 "2006-05-10T18:55:50Z")
I think you can get it back…possibly, but you should be up front with him and let him know that it’s pretty far gone and there are no guarantees. I did it, so I know it can happen. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![skittles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ba9def/32.png) [@skittles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/skittles)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/4 "2006-05-10T19:09:08Z")
See - when I try to tell him that I am being serious when I say I don’t want to be in a marriage like this anymore he doesn’t truly understand the severity of that situation. I truly mean I will leave. I have been married before and I left that husband, so its not like I don’t know how to do it. And I truly don’t want to just go through the motions for the rest of my life either. I think I’m a kind person that deserves to be happy. And I want just that. Especially now with my son, I don’t want him to grow up in an unhappy home. How did you learn to re-love someone **Kalhoun**. Good luck tonight **Black Train Song**. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/5 "2006-05-10T19:09:52Z")
I know two couples who were married, got divorced, and later remarried. So yes, you can re-fall in love with someone. Of the two couples, I don’t really know much about the one couple’s story, but I know the other couple broke up because of the husband’s alcoholism. After they divorced, he got sober and worked very hard for years at earning back his ex-wife’s trust and respect before they got married again. ---
**Author:** ![Carnac\_the\_Magnificent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Carnac\_the\_Magnificent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carnac_the_Magnificent)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/6 "2006-05-10T19:13:00Z")
> [@skittles](#): > > 1. My husband and I … have an OK marriage > 2. He is a ‘dirty’ fighter. > 3. He will say the absolute meanest thing he can think of at that particular moment. 4) I have told him this is not acceptable … he still does it > 4. He forgets he has said them > 5. He doesn’t understand why things said years ago can still have an impact on me 7) He never says he is sorry for saying these things … they are unresolved issues. Sorry to sound critical, but you’re asking for opinions. I think millions of Americans would find it hard to accept your contention that you have an “okay” marriage. Your husband repeatedly abuses you, he refuses to stop or apologize, and he doesn’t care that you are in pain. Judging by what you said, your marriage is a nightmare. You deserve better and need to accept that he doesn’t care about the marriage and will never change. File the papers and rediscover love with a good man. They do exist. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/7 "2006-05-10T19:39:24Z")
> [@](#): > > **Carnac the Magnificent** ] Your husband repeatedly abuses you, he refuses to stop or apologize, and he doesn’t care that you are in pain. > > Judging by what you said, your marriage is a nightmare. You deserve better and need to accept that he doesn’t care about the marriage and will never change I agree with the first part of this statement; you are absolutely being abused. I also agree that you deserve better, but I don’t know that we can say he doesn’t care about the marriage or that he will never change. You can’t know what’s inside his head; hell, he might not even be clear about it. As far as never changing; well, never say “never”. I think he absolutely _can_ change if he wants to. That’s the thing, 98% of this is on him, so he’s really got to be willing to step up. I had a five+ year with a verbally abusive guy. We remained “friends” and kept in touch over the last few years. He recently checked himself into rehab (his assholish behavior would seem to be a seperate issue from his chemical dependency) and through therapy and some soul searching he’s begun to see what an ass he was. He called me the other night and itemized and apologized for stuff even _I_ had forgotten he said. Not saying that the same thing will happen in your case, just that it’s possible. I’m not likely to ever “fall back in love” with him because I long ago withdrew anything I had invested in our relationship, but I do feel love for him again as a person. Maybe that could be a starting point for you ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/8 "2006-05-10T19:56:35Z")
> [@skittles](#): > > See - when I try to tell him that I am being serious when I say I don’t want to be in a marriage like this anymore he doesn’t truly understand the severity of that situation. > > I truly mean I will leave. I have been married before and I left that husband, so its not like I don’t know how to do it. > > And I truly don’t want to just go through the motions for the rest of my life either. > > I think I’m a kind person that deserves to be happy. And I want just that. Especially now with my son, I don’t want him to grow up in an unhappy home. > > How did you learn to re-love someone **Kalhoun**. > > Good luck tonight **Black Train Song**. Well, I don’t think I’d advise going about it the way I did, but basically, he had to prove to me that the guy I fell in love with was still there. There was a time when I looked at him and I just didn’t recognize him anymore. We started talking again and he made a conscious effort to stop doing what he was doing. You also have to actually want things to get better. If you make him go through the process of recreating himself when you know it’s really over, it won’t do either of you any good. Of course, the change will be worth it for the baby’s sake, but you need to think long and hard if you really want to make another go of it. Lots of bad behaviors are learned through conditioning – he’s insecure or learned to express anger physically at an early age or what have you. It doesn’t matter. Those problems are his and you don’t have to take shit from him. You don’t owe him another chance. If you really think he can stop what he’s doing and start reacting in a more adult manner (and if you really want him to stay) it will be up to him. But _you_ have to learn to forgive. That can be harder than any behavior modification he’ll ever go through. I can tell you that it doesn’t come overnight, but it eventually did for me. I know some people simply can’t forgive. You’ll find out within a relatively short time if you can. But if you can’t, no sense wasting everyone’s time. You need to move on. ---
**Author:** ![samm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/858c86/32.png) [@samm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samm)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/9 "2006-05-10T20:05:49Z")
He didn’t act this way at all before you got married? How long did you know him before you married him? If your husband declines the counseling and you decide to leave him, I think you should get yourself some personal counseling before marriage #3, so hopefully you will have better luck finding a suitable \*life-long \* partner the next time around. ---
**Author:** ![nivlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@nivlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nivlac)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/10 "2006-05-10T20:08:46Z")
> [@skittles](#): > > …I think I’m a kind person that deserves to be happy. And I want just that. … \*\*Everyone \*\* deserves to be happy, especially you. Since this is IMHO, find someone else who deserves you and can make you happy. ---
**Author:** ![skittles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ba9def/32.png) [@skittles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/skittles)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/11 "2006-05-10T20:19:43Z")
**samm** I’ve known him for nearly 15 years before we married. Amazingly enough I knew my previous husband for 9 years before we married. Prior to the marriage he showed some of these behaviors, but our lives were different. And I’m changing as a person (especially now with the baby) and things are different. Life changes, and having a baby changes everything. So maybe some of these new things are due to parenting issues - who knows. I’m about to leave work for the night to go home and have ‘the talk’ so wish me luck! And please - continue with the suggestions. The more, the merrier! ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-re-fall-in-love-with-someone/356253/12 "2006-05-10T20:42:14Z")
I’m a dirty fighter. It sucks to be like that because you really don’t think about the consequences of your yelling and meanness. You just have anger and it spills out in ugly ways. I’ve gotten better about it, not perfect, but better. Maybe your husband needs to try anger management?