# Can you respect a cheater? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 17, 2015, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542 "2015-09-17T06:24:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2015, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542/61 "2015-09-20T04:27:45Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > Depends on whose respect you’ve - as you say, honour killings are a pretty compelling threat and they’re pretty much based on the loss of respect. > > I get what you’re saying though - I too think the whole monogamy thing is overrated. Unless it’s workin’ for you. Then go into your marriage with a different purpose and be open and honest with your future spouse. Tell them ahead of time “Someday I will be tired of just you and I will want someone else. I will expect the same from you”. Then when your ready to have an outside relationship - tell your spouse about it. Better than your husband or wife coming home to see you in bed with another person. Maybe at your wedding instead of “till death do you part” say something about your enduring friendship or something. Just be honest and dont lie. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2015, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542/62 "2015-09-20T04:28:50Z")
> [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](#): > > But I’m with you. I feel like I would HAVE to make such an investment to even have a one night stand or whatever. It’s not something that comes naturally to me, and the thought of it seems exhausting. At the same time, I know plenty of people have an easy time doing it, and IMHO it’s very easy for women to get offers of sex (and similar situations to that prison guard are pretty common, for example). And I guess for aggressive men who choose to pursue, they are going to get some easy scores. And think, what if that little one night stand leads to a pregnancy or an STD? ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2015, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542/63 "2015-09-20T09:01:06Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Then go into your marriage with a different purpose and be open and honest with your future spouse. Tell them ahead of time “Someday I will be tired of just you and I will want someone else. I will expect the same from you”. Then when your ready to have an outside relationship - tell your spouse about it. > > Better than your husband or wife coming home to see you in bed with another person. > > Maybe at your wedding instead of “till death do you part” say something about your enduring friendship or something. > > Just be honest and dont lie. I don’t know if you’re using the universal ‘you’ here \*\*Urbanredneck \*\*or if your opinion is directed specifically at me - if it’s latter, there are some huge misconceptions here. Also, I doubt there are many people whom, prior to their wedding day, know for certain they’ll one day lose interest in their spouse sexually. I do agree with your “Just be honest and don’t lie” comment. Seems though, that you’re saying that that doesn’t count unless it’s stated in whatever vows you take; and that doesn’t make any sense to me. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2015, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542/64 "2015-09-20T10:01:06Z")
I found this article by Dr. Phil to be enlightening [LINK](http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/127) In it he says "Look at the statistics. The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is **not even one in 100**. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. " So what he’s saying is someone who has an affair with someone which leads to a divorce, that relationship has almost no chance of success. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2015, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542/65 "2015-09-20T17:13:10Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > For what it’s worth, I don’t see conflict between those two points of view. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, end it. They are both promises typically made upon the event of a marriage. Why is breaking one of those promises so much more socially acceptable? ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2015, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542/66 "2015-09-21T00:42:53Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > They are both promises typically made upon the event of a marriage. Why is breaking one of those promises so much more socially acceptable? If you’re going to change the agreed-upon terms of your relationship then your partner should have the right to agree to the new terms or opt out altogether. One partner unilaterally deciding they’re exempting themselves from the monogamy clause robs the other of informed consent. ---
**Author:** ![John\_D\_Adamo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ed8c4c/32.png) [@John\_D\_Adamo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_D_Adamo)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2015, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542/67 "2015-09-21T03:57:38Z")
If both parties agree to an open marriage, then cool. If one party is secretly reneging on original agreement to be with each other only, then not cool. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2015, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542/68 "2015-09-22T04:38:17Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > If you’re going to change the agreed-upon terms of your relationship then your partner should have the right to agree to the new terms or opt out altogether. One partner unilaterally deciding they’re exempting themselves from the monogamy clause robs the other of informed consent. I’ve often wondered if marriage should have some sort of 5 year clause where things can be renegotiated. ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2015, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542/69 "2015-09-24T21:02:07Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > People in general, and Dopers specifically, are so weird about this. They think it’s perfectly ok to get divorced, but cheating on your spouse violates some promise that’s obviously much more important than “till death do us part.” They’re two fundamentally different things. Getting divorced is saying “I no longer want to be bound by the terms of this agreement and am ending it”, there’s no deception involved. It does mean ending an agreement, but doesn’t mean that you are lying to someone close to you for personal gain. Cheating means that you are breaking a clear promise to someone close to you that you know is important to them, and then engaging in an ongoing campaign of lies to keep gaining at their expense. There’s some combination of money, sex, property, family connections, and access to kids that you’re getting from the partner that you wouldn’t be if they knew what you were up to. How can I trust someone who’s willing to lie to an intimate partner about a very important matter for personal gain? What would motivate them not to lie to me for personal gain? This is an important question that I can’t see any good answer to, and is the reason why I can’t respect or trust someone who’s cheating. Most people that I know don’t consider marriage forever and don’t use ‘till death do us part’ in wedding vows, and courthouse weddings definitely don’t include that. I get the impression that, outside of some small fundamentalist sects, people consider the ‘till death do us part’ bit to be more of a tradition than a real promise, since modern marriage includes divorce as an option. So most people divorcing aren’t actually breaking a genuine promise, and someone eventually rejecting an outdated religious belief badly suited to real people doesn’t bother me at all. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-cheater/731542.md?page=3)