# Can you respect a man who boinks a woman he otherwise expresses contempt for? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 4, 2016, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910 "2016-05-04T17:16:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/21 "2016-05-04T19:22:11Z")
> [@Barkis\_is\_Willin](#): > > I’d say Richard could have shown more class by keeping quiet on the subject, but I have no problem with the fact that he hooked up with Donna. ^ This. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/22 "2016-05-04T19:28:37Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > I’d say it depends on how they hooked up. Did they both see this as a purely sexual affair? If so, then they both knew what was going on and had no expectations beyond what happened. > > What would be wrong would be if Richard (or Donna) was deceitful during the hookup. Did Richard pretend at the time that he agreed with Donna’s opinions in order to get her in bed? Did he pretend he had an interest in her that went beyond sex? If so, then what he did was wrong. That’s exactly what I was going to say so I won’t try to phrase it differently. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/23 "2016-05-04T19:43:10Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > I understand that we’d rather spend time with people we like and respect, but it’s not like a one-night stand involves spending much time together. Tennis and chess are perfectly good examples. It’s one thing if you have a regular chess partner and you guys play every weekend for years, and something entirely different if you’re at a chess competition playing several matches against strangers that you’ll never see again. You don’t sit down and say “Hold on, I’ll need to get your opinions on certain key subjects before I can enjoy playing chess with you.” The problem with your analogies is that they presume no prior knowledge of the partner’s character. Donna made her views pretty clear on non-Christians and Native Americans very clear before the two of them headed out. I can imagine playing chess with or fucking a woman whose views on such subjects I didn’t know; I can imagine not wanting to know. I can’t imagine doing so after I knew about her hateful opinions. ---
**Author:** ![Reluctant\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@Reluctant\_A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reluctant_A)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/24 "2016-05-04T19:57:52Z")
Depends on how you define “respect.” ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/25 "2016-05-04T20:08:32Z")
The only judgments I put on others sex lives is rape/not rape. Which, to me, requires consent and the mental faculties to give consent. BEFORE my marriage I hooked up with a lot of women whose only contribution to mankind was being hot. Of course, they may have had similar sentiments toward me, of course I was charming. I have become less shallow as I aged. I say good for Richard and leave it at that. ---
**Author:** ![Surly\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Surly\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surly_Chick)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/26 "2016-05-04T20:16:14Z")
I have no problem with him banging her but the smack talk afterwards is reprehensible. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/27 "2016-05-04T20:24:16Z")
> [@G0sp3l](#): > > The only judgments I put on others sex lives is rape/not rape. Really? Because I was there. If I’d fucked Donna --thus cheating on my wife – you wouldn’t think less of me? Because I certainly would. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/28 "2016-05-04T20:30:39Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Really? Because I was there. If I’d fucked Donna --thus cheating on my wife – you wouldn’t think less of me? Because I certainly would. You’d be surprised how little people care about cheating nowadays. Not saying AT ALL that that’s how **Gosp3l** is or that’s what they were implying!!! I’m just saying agreeing with **Skald** that, in my experience, the fact that one of the people is in a committed relationship seems to mean very little in today’s world ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/29 "2016-05-04T20:38:01Z")
> [@G0sp3l](#): > > BEFORE my marriage I hooked up with a lot of women whose only contribution to mankind was being hot. Of course, they may have had similar sentiments toward me, of course I was charming. I have become less shallow as I aged. You know, if, as a man, I came to realize that some lady hooked up with me just because I was hot, even though she didn’t care for me as a person… I would feel really good about that. \*That \*is how amazingly hot she thinks I am. I’m the man! But if the genders were reversed, I would think that my sentiments would be very different indeed. Just something that occurred to me. Not sure if it means anything. Just the same old double standards. I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/30 "2016-05-04T20:47:59Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Really? Because I was there. If I’d fucked Donna --thus cheating on my wife – you wouldn’t think less of me? Because I certainly would. That’s another aspect of the deceit issue I mentioned above. Even if Richard was honest with Donna it’s wrong if he then turn around later and lie about what happened to Mary, his wife/girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/31 "2016-05-04T20:50:28Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Really? Because I was there. If I’d fucked Donna --thus cheating on my wife – you wouldn’t think less of me? Because I certainly would. I wouldn’t think less of you. Depending on how well I knew you about the most I would say is “that’s not cool.” It’s hard to draw a specific line on what you (in the general sense) think about be others. Richard, or Skald, has to live in their skin who I am to castigate them for their decisions? I would view to them almost exactly the same as before. I say almost, because, some impressions take time to settle in and I may make a subconscious judgment later. For instance, if Richard afterward started dating my sister. I would tell her everything I knew about him, but if she wanted to continue the relationship I wouldn’t interfere. I’ve lost friends because my wife told his wife that he was cheating, against MY wishes. The wife side with her husband, as I said she would, and cut us out of their lives. I just believe people are too complex to be quantified easily. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/32 "2016-05-04T21:02:26Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > The problem with your analogies is that they presume no prior knowledge of the partner’s character. Donna made her views pretty clear on non-Christians and Native Americans very clear before the two of them headed out. > > I can imagine playing chess with or fucking a woman whose views on such subjects I didn’t know; I can imagine not wanting to know. I can’t imagine doing so after I knew about her hateful opinions. For myself, at least, the analogy holds whether there’s prior knowledge of the other person or not. Maybe a lot of that stems from a pretty dysfunctional household where I acquired the ability to interact closely with people I fear and/or despise. If I was the type to seek out casual hookups, Donna’s hateful opinions would be enough to make me re-scan the crowd for other options, but I just don’t see it being a reason to eliminate her from the running. We’d be scratching a mutual itch, not writing a political platform. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/33 "2016-05-04T21:05:55Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > You know, if, as a man, I came to realize that some lady hooked up with me just because I was hot, even though she didn’t care for me as a person… I would feel really good about that. \*That \*is how amazingly hot she thinks I am. I’m the man! But if the genders were reversed, I would think that my sentiments would be very different indeed. > > Just something that occurred to me. Not sure if it means anything. Just the same old double standards. I guess. The 80’s-90’s were weird. I’m not THAT hot, but I was one of the hotter guys available and I know some of it was that. I got involved with some girls simply because they wanted to date a black guy. I also got a rep as a bit of a man-slut so some girls rejected me out of hand, so even then that double-standard wasn’t absolute. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/34 "2016-05-04T22:03:24Z")
There’s a lot to be said for hate-fucking and I heartily endorse it. So the verdict is: hookup = legit. As to the bad-mouthing afterward, it sounds like Donna is a terrible person, and was using Dick for… well… dick, and forbidden dick at that. She sounds like the type of person who would openly disrespect him in public, then bang him enthusiastically in private, then treat him even WORSE in public due to the ol’ elf-clothing. In that case, she’s not entitled to Dick’s courtesy, although with that being said, the mark of the courteous man is how he treats those who have not earned his courtesy. So the verdict is: smack talk = permissible, but somewhat gauche, depending. ---
**Author:** ![Khaleesi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Khaleesi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khaleesi)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2016, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/35 "2016-05-04T22:53:45Z")
I’m with the majority. I think it’s worse that he not only kiss and told, but then proceeded to throw dirt on her. I, personally, think it’s easier and a bit more acceptable for a man to have this kind of relationship. I for one, can’t even stand to be in the same room with people I find morally, and intellectually offensive. So ending up in a situation where we have the opportunity to have sex would never arise. He sounds gross… Does she know everyone, or at least, some of her coworkers feel this way about her? Because if she does, than it speaks to her character as well…and not positively. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2016, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/36 "2016-05-05T00:11:56Z")
I don’t have a problem that they hooked up, but I do object to him badmouthing her afterwards. ---
**Author:** ![spamforbrains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@spamforbrains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spamforbrains)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2016, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/37 "2016-05-05T00:38:38Z")
> [@](#): > > Does Richard’s willngness to sleep with a woman he clearly despised make you think less of him? What about the post-coital smack talk? Both are reprehensible and make me lose all respect for Richard. However, the talk afterwards is far worse. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2016, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/38 "2016-05-05T01:40:43Z")
It’s not something I would do unless she was really hot and had a trick pelvis but for others doing so I have no problem. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2016, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/39 "2016-05-05T02:04:41Z")
If all you want is sex then not being the least bit interested in the other person is usually a plus. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2016, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910/40 "2016-05-05T02:36:42Z")
Not surprised (I’ve been around such people), but yes: no respect for him as a human; he may be useful as a professional, but a real jackass. “Ray” (his actual name) was busy going through all the women in the office. While is was with one of the dimmer bulbs: With her sitting beside her\*, he explained how “of course you have to get a new lover every couple of years”. Complete asshole ever after. - - she was obviously looking for LTR. In the wrong damned place. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-respect-a-man-who-boinks-a-woman-he-otherwise-expresses-contempt-for/753910.md?page=3)