# Can you top RickJay's Chuck Norris joke? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 1, 2008, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865 "2008-01-01T03:19:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/21 "2008-01-02T05:20:58Z")
How much wood could a Chuck Norris chuck if a Chuck Norris could chuck wood? One old peasant from Tunguska asked this once. Once. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/22 "2008-01-02T08:14:05Z")
The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. ---
**Author:** ![Crocodiles\_And\_Boulevards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ee7513/32.png) [@Crocodiles\_And\_Boulevards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crocodiles_And_Boulevards)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/23 "2008-01-02T09:01:29Z")
For those of you who took the LSAT, you may have run across this one: One day, while taking the LSAT for fun (hey, who the hell are YOU to tell Chuck what’s fun?), Chuck Norris came across his first logic game: An amusement park roller coaster includes five cars, numbered 1 through 5 from front to back. Each car accommodates up to two riders, seated side by side. Six people—Tom, Gwen, Laurie, Mark, Paul and Jack—are riding the coaster at the same time. ``` * Laurie is sharing a car. * Mark is not sharing a car and is seated immediately behind an empty car. * Tom is not sharing a car with either Gwen or Paul. * Gwen is riding in either the third or fourth car. ``` Enraged, Chuck Norris made them all sit in the same fucking car. (During my LSAT induced fatigue, I thought this was SO funny.) ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/24 "2008-01-02T14:32:35Z")
Chuck Norris’ chest hair can scratch glass. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/25 "2008-01-02T15:07:55Z")
I think the idea was to come up with a NEW joke, not repeat ones that already existed. “Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.” is, IMHO, the best Chuck Norris joke ever, but it’s not new. I just like the idea of Chuck lying in bed, still wearing his “Walker, Texas Ranger” outfit, staring furiously at the ceiling for dawn to break so he can run outside and start kicking people. ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/26 "2008-01-02T15:17:23Z")
[QUOTE=RickJay] I think the idea was to come up with a NEW joke, not repeat ones that already existed. “Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.” is, IMHO, the best Chuck Norris joke ever, but it’s not new. I just like the idea of Chuck lying in bed, still wearing his “Walker, Texas Ranger” outfit, staring furiously at the ceiling for dawn to break so he can run outside and start kicking people. [/QUOTE] Chuck Norris does not wait for dawn to break. He get’s up and roundhouse kicks the dawn and it breaks when he’s damned good and ready. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/27 "2008-01-02T15:33:16Z")
[QUOTE=cochrane] The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. [/QUOTE] In a cemetery with an old man and his family? ---
**Author:** ![shernand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3e96dc/32.png) [@shernand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shernand)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/28 "2008-01-02T16:06:34Z")
Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/29 "2008-01-02T16:39:11Z")
Chuck Norris developed a [voting system](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrow's_impossibility_theorem) of at least two members and three options that is not a dictatorship, accounts for all options, is independent of irrelevant alternatives and is Pareto efficient. ---
**Author:** ![Litoris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9f8e36/32.png) [@Litoris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Litoris)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/30 "2008-01-02T16:42:04Z")
Chuck Norris once made a microwave burrito too hot for God to pick up. Then he ate God. ---
**Author:** ![Flander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Flander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flander)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/31 "2008-01-02T16:43:37Z")
Dawn doesn’t break. Chuck Norris chased the sun away the previous day. The sun runs so far that it comes back around the other side, where Chuck is waiting for the ambush. ---
**Author:** ![Sunrazor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sunrazor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunrazor)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/32 "2008-01-02T17:07:29Z")
Chuck Norris doesn’t order steak in a restaurant. He walks in, sits down and a steer kills itself on his table. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/33 "2008-01-02T17:48:54Z")
[QUOTE=KneadToKnow] In a cemetery with an old man and his family? [/QUOTE] That wasn’t a war cemetery. It was a memorial to Chuck Norris’s classmates. Of course, you might be wondering why it was in France. When Chuck Norris delivers a roundhouse kick to your head in the United States, you’ll probably land in a different country. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/34 "2008-01-02T17:51:11Z")
Who can top RickJay’s Chuck Norris joke? Chuck Norris can. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/35 "2008-01-02T18:24:47Z")
Research has shown that one drop of Chuck Norris’s tears can cure eight kinds of cancer. Norris, though, refuses to weep. “What, me weep? Let 'em die.” In Chuck Norris’s olive grove, he glares at the olives, and they pickle themselves, right there on the tree. ---
**Author:** ![Great\_Dave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/46a35a/32.png) [@Great\_Dave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Dave)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/36 "2008-01-02T20:46:45Z")
Chuck Norris doesn’t need the Your-Skin Cone- the only damage from his circumcision was to the knife, and nothing can undo it. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/37 "2008-01-02T21:08:30Z")
Chuck Norris didn’t put the bomp in the bomp-shi-bomp-shi-bomp. But he once tracked down the guy who did. ---
**Author:** ![Flander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Flander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flander)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/38 "2008-01-02T21:23:20Z")
Chuck Norris has a Bacon number of -1. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/39 "2008-01-02T21:33:45Z")
Chuck Norris delivered a baby in public once using his fingernails to perform a C-section. As soon as he was done, he reached over a killed a guy. He said that he just likes the idea of symmetry. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2008, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865/40 "2008-01-02T21:53:46Z")
It’s not knew but it’s my favorite. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lie the fuck down. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-top-rickjays-chuck-norris-joke/431865.md?page=3)