# Cast the SDMB movie **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 3, 2001, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747 "2001-08-03T04:59:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Totoro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Totoro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Totoro)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/161 "2001-08-06T01:01:50Z")
I’m WES BENTLEY? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! HE’S CUTE! ---
**Author:** ![Cleophus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e57/32.png) [@Cleophus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cleophus)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/162 "2001-08-06T01:32:11Z")
Well, as implied before, we’re not going anywhere without a plot, so here goes. NOTE: great creative liberties have been taken. Way back in 1973, the great Cecil Adams realized the world was in peril. Taking it upon himself to educate what he called the Teeming Millions, Cecil created The Straight Dope. With the goal of eradicating ignorance, he answered the pleas of confused and ignorant people across the world. The Master, however, realized he would need help. Assembling the SDSAB to assist him, they were able to definitively answer questions like “How many calories are in an ejaculation” and “What are the three words ending in -gry” A following sprang up, and they created the Straight Dope Message Board. Here, disciples of Cecil could discuss the wisdom he dispensed, and fathom the questions of the time. Thus the SDMB was born. Posters, soon called Dopers, came from every corner of the earth to gain knowlegde. But, all was not well on the SDMB. The nefarious Serlin realized he could manipulate the innocent Dopers for his own ends. Spewing garbage designed to confuse and anger, many Dopers were led astray. Even the most experienced and brightest Dopers were helpless, for they had never confronted ignorance on such a large scale. Nonetheless, the SDMB was not defeated. Harnessing all the ignorance-fighting power they could muster, the citizens banished Serlin to the lamer-infested USENET. TubaDiva, with her IP Block of Truth, ensured Serlin would never afflict the SDMB again. The citizens of the SDMB rejoiced. Soon, the boards entered a golden age and became a haven for people from all walks of life. Thousands drank the wisdom of Esprix, Qagdop the Mercotan, jarbabyj, Arden Ranger, and many others. Soon, it became summer. With the influx of bored teenage lamers, the SDMB was once again required to take time off from debating and discussing the female Dopers’ cleavage and fight ignorance full-time. Homophobes, racists, even Zero Wing could not resist the purifying flames of the SDMB ignorance-fighters. At this time, Scylla made his bid for power. Recruiting the lovely Elenfair, he was able to conquer MPSIMS. Thread after thread fell into the influence of Scylla and his followers. Only Fenris, Scylla’s archnemesis, would be able to resist Scylla’s advance. Will Fenris defeat Scylla? Or, will Scylla overthrow the SDMB with his mysterious agenda? Uh, can someone finish this for me? All good movies have more than one writer, right? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Lyllyan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b2d939/32.png) [@Lyllyan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lyllyan)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/163 "2001-08-06T01:43:58Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Stoid \* \*\* [QUOTE (I think of Kathy Bates as unattractive, and as I was feeling touchy, because I think everyone on the SDMB hates me, I was thinking of her roles in Misery and The Late Show. just being a dope. THANK YOU!) stoid I’ve got grit. I take no shit. 🙂 \*\*[/QUOTE] At least you are not invisible, like _ **I** _ am. So who would play me, Casper? Geez. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_Rhosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@Sir\_Rhosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_Rhosis)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/164 "2001-08-06T02:28:12Z")
Serlin (who was admittedly before my time) was of course assisted in his nefarious skullduggery by JDT, featherjohn and concrete (who was also before my time). Sir Rhosis ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/165 "2001-08-06T14:01:19Z")
As I peruse the list I must first say. Who is Zasu Pitts of course. It sounds like a character from MAD magazine. Secondly, after all the grief we’ve given him, shouldn’t we take the high road and cast Lou Ferrigno as handy? yes, we should. jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/166 "2001-08-06T15:18:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tequila Mockingbird \* > \*\*LindyHopper- Harry Connick Jr > \*\* I could get behind that; smooth ‘n’ Southern. Hmmm… Lessee here: Tequila Mockingbird: Bettie Page (I know, not an actress, but the casting is just too perfect) Fenris: definitely John Belushi Scylla: I get a Brian Dennehy vibe Eve: I’m thinking Helena Bonham-Carter (not Fight Club, the Merchant-Ivory pictures) TruePisces: Mary Stuart Masterson Lynn Bodoni: Minnie Driver racinchikki: Martha Plimpton chique: Park Overall Soda: Ione Skye I’m sure I’ll have more later, but I’ve gotta do a little research. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/167 "2001-08-06T15:21:20Z")
Sorry Lindy, but you’ve already been [cast](http://www.jarbaby.com/pics/mytill.jpg) You DO look like this Lindy, right? jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/168 "2001-08-06T15:38:30Z")
OK, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve got a few more: jarbabyj: Jennifer Jason Leigh Manservant Hecubus: Jack Black SPOOFE: Chris Cornell (with hair) hardygrrl: Lori Petty (circa Tank Girl) Coldfire: I’m getting Harvey Keitel for some reason Eutychus55: Steve Buscemi UncleBeer: Michael Douglas (in Falling Down) Hamadryad: Julia Louis-Dreyfus is all I can think of now that someone’s mentioned it CrankyAsAnOldMan: Helen Hunt (ditto) GingerOfTheNorth: Holly Hunter Alphagene: John Turturro Esprix: Matt Damon matt\_mcl: Jude Law iampunha: Ben Stiller manhattan: Ed Harris Whew! I gotta go lie down. ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/169 "2001-08-06T15:40:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*Sorry Lindy, but you’ve already been [cast](http://www.jarbaby.com/pics/mytill.jpg) > > You DO look like this Lindy, right? > > jarbaby \*\* Oh, sure! Right! That’s what I was going to say! (Jeez, that guy’s got some arms on him! Better hit the gym…) ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/170 "2001-08-06T16:49:32Z")
Lori Petty from **Tank Girl**? Boy, that brings up memories of seeing that film, thinking it would be as cool as the comic… ::shudders:: ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/171 "2001-08-06T17:13:38Z")
Oooh, can I be gaffer? Or key grip? Oh, OK, I’ll cater the damn thing. ---
**Author:** ![Skerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Skerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skerri)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/172 "2001-08-06T18:14:07Z")
Hmm… A lot of people have said things that I have thought many times. How weird is that? I personally wish to nominate **Janeane Garafolo** to play me. Except for the fact that I have extremely red hair right now, I think it could pass. (Oh, and I have blue eyes…) I would have to list the following, and these are in no particular order, and they are based solely on what I see in my head when I read : **Scylla:** Mel Gibson.In **“The Patriot”**. I just get that vibe. **iampunha:** Definitely Jason Mewes. I don’t know why. Albeit a much more intelligent Jason Mewes. **GingeroftheNorth:** For some reason, I totally see the girl from **"Run, Lola Run"** **Coldfire:** John Cusack. Hands down. **Lolagranola:** Elizabeth Shue. It just seems to fit. **Hardygrrl:** Oh, Lita fits this role perfectly! 🙂 **Arden Ranger:** Kate Capshaw, a la “Temple of Doom” **Esprix:** A younger, thinner Eddie Izzard I’ll submit more later… ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/173 "2001-08-06T18:24:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Olentzero \* > \*\*Oooh, can I be gaffer? Or key grip? > > Oh, OK, I’ll cater the damn thing. \*\* Would you like to be the best boy? ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/174 "2001-08-06T18:28:08Z")
Yeah, sure - any way I can get into this thing at this point! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2001, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/175 "2001-08-07T03:15:53Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by **LindyHopper** _ > > Esprix: Matt Damon > matt\_mcl: Jude Law Looks like someone just rented “The Talented Mister Ripley.” 😃 And flattering as it is, I’m afraid **Monster104** has the Damon lock. But if **matt** were played by a small, gorgeous Asian man (say Von Flores, who plays Agent Sandoval on “Earth: Final Conflict”) then I’m afraid I’d have to cast myself as myself, if only for the gratuitous sex scenes everyone knows would happen between **matt** and myself. I think colorblind casting, in this instance, would be appropriate, n’est-ce pas? 😉 Esprix ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2001, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/176 "2001-08-07T03:21:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > _Originally posted by **LindyHopper** _ > > > > Esprix: Matt Damon > > matt\_mcl: Jude Law > > Looks like someone just rented “The Talented Mister Ripley.” 😃 > > \*\* Well, it’s been a few weeks, but…yeah. :o Sorry, it’s just what popped into my head; that movie is hard to forget. Oh, and I could kick myself for forgetting: Arden Ranger: Angie Everhart Sue Duhnym: Winona Ryder Silver Fire: Gina Gershon ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2001, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/177 "2001-08-07T04:03:04Z")
**Nymysys** : Betty Page **Scylla** : Bruce Willis or Mel Gibson (they are both always getting their ass kicked, but they end up winning the day) **SuaSponte** : that dude that played _Iceman_ in Top Gun. More later. ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2001, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/178 "2001-08-07T04:39:03Z")
**MaxTorque** - Richard Karn **nensan** - Dolph Lundgren **thinksnow** - George Clooney **Tripler** - Ryan Stiles **Manservant Hecubus** - Pierce Brosnan as 007 **Sapphire Bullet** - Cheri O’teri **Feynn** - Michael Landon **lolagranola** - Alicia Ayers-Allen as Claire Huxtable. Only shorter. **obfusciatrist** - Mel Brooks **MamaHen** - Bernadette Peters **Demo** - Brendan Fraser **Persephone, Arden Ranger, BunnyGirl, Medea’s Child** , and **Mauvaise** - Musical Guests the Go-Gos. Or possibly the Bangles. **Esprix** - Hermie, the elf who wanted to be a dentist. **Scylla** and **Fenris** - Holmes and Yo-Yo. ---
**Author:** ![vix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a88e4f/32.png) [@vix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vix)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2001, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/179 "2001-08-07T13:29:08Z")
Can’t believe no one thought of this: Cary Grant as C.K. Dexter Haven. [sub]Guess what [movie](http://www.ny.com/events/bryant.html) I saw last night?[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2001, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747/180 "2001-08-07T13:38:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Protesilaus \* > **LNO** - Matthew Perry I have NO idea where this came from. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Spider Woman_ > John Cusack as **LNO** Okay, maybe. Since, as we all know, I’m really a hit man from a town in Michigan who has issues to work out with his psychiatrist. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-the-sdmb-movie/74747.md?page=10)