# Cast Your Family and Friends
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353
**Category:** Cafe Society
**Created:** [August 17, 2005, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353 "2005-08-17T00:11:05Z")
**Posts on this page:** 18
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/1 "2005-08-17T00:11:05Z")
All the talk about Bea Arthur over in _Cafe Society_ is reminding me of my mother’s alleged resemblance to her.
So, suppose that
1- a new movie is to be made of your life and
2- thanks to CGI and a newly discovered wormhole, you can use any actor, living or dead from any time in their career
3- for that matter, it doesn’t _have_ to be an actor
Who would you cast?
For me, I’d cast a heavily made up and padded Kenneth Branagh (not quite accurate, but movies tend to upgrade appearance) for today. As friends and family:
**Living**
Bea Arthur, of course, for my mother (she’s 11 years older than my mother, but then she’s also had facelifts)
Delta Burke ca. 1990 (but with blonde hair and a _lot_ less cleavage) as my sister
John Goodman as her husband (the world’s unlikeliest former ladies apparel salesman)
Bill Clinton as my brother (very small role)
[Billy Corgan](http://www.guitarscanada.com/legends/corgan.jpg) as my ex-love/current best friend (the one who’s going to be a truckdriver)= he looks _exactly_ like him
Angela Lansbury as my aunt (and of course she and Bea would have to sing _Bosom Buddies_)
Conrad Bain ca. 1985 and Haley Joel Osment as the last two guys I’ve dated (Sir Ian’s a bit too wrinkled and Haley’s a bit too young, but…it emphasizes self-conscious age difference)
(I’m drawing blanks on other friends, including Ogre, but maybe later)
\*\*Flashbacks to childhood \*\*
Cartman as me as a child.
Orson Welles’s corrupt sheriff from _Touch of Evil_ in flashbacks as my father (the resemblance is nothing short of eerie- the hat, the rumpled suit, the cigar, the stubble… Daddy should have sued)
Eric Stoltz as my psychotic dead first-ex in flashbacks
Cher (ca. 1995) as my favorite cousin, Linda (the one who shocked the family by announcing her engagement to her third husband at her second husband’s funeral)
Robert Duvall in very old age makeup as my maternal grandfather, Papa Mustang (flashbacks)
Rue McLanahan (with old age make-up) as his wife, my maternal grandmother, Mee-Maw
Ruth Gordon (ca. 1970) as Meemaw’s sister, Aunt Reed (a former flapper and delightful human being but the gauge of human evil to my grandmother)
Sir Ian McKellan in bag-lady drag as my maternal grandmother, Grandmother
A digitally split [Frances Reid](http://us.ent4.yimg.com/tv.yahoo.com/images/he/photo/tv_pix/nbc/days_of_our_lives/frances_reid/days.jpg) as my twin aunts Kitty & Carrie (though her hair would be in a tight thin bun and she’d be wearing _Little House on the Prairie_ style bonnets and calico)
[Mary Grace Canfield](http://www.maggiore.net/greenacres/images/MaryGrace2.jpg) (Ralph from _Green Acres_) as my lobotomized aunt Lucy (this picture looks eerily like her, except she’s a lot cleaner and clothed)
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/2 "2005-08-17T00:17:13Z")
Eve . . . Aline MacMahon
Eve’s mother . . . Alice Brady
Eve’s father . . . Eugene Pallette
Eve’s sister . . . ZaSu Pitts
Eve’s brother-in-law . . . Hugh Herbert
Eve’s cat . . . Asta
---
### Author:  [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/3 "2005-08-17T00:26:23Z")
I’m sure you mean [this Alice Brady](http://www.moviecard.com/zamerican/weightmachine/pat154/weightpat-brady.jpg), but of course [this is who I pictured](http://www.tvacres.com/images/nelson_alice2.jpg) (yes, I know her last name isn’t Brady, but…).
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### Author:  [@Can\_Handle\_the\_Truth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Can_Handle_the_Truth)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/4 "2005-08-17T03:05:53Z")
Parents and older siblings: **All in the Family** – except that it wasn’t funny.
Dad - Archie Bunker
Mom - Edith Bunker
Older Brother - Michael the Meathead
Older Sister - Gloria
Me and my two younger sisters:
Me - Ralphie from A Christmas Story
Younger sister #1 - J.Lo
Younger sister #2 - Ally McBeal
---
### Author:  [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/5 "2005-08-17T03:35:20Z")
[Me](http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/rhiannon_dreamsnake/detail?.dir=afff&.dnm=c7ae.jpg&.src=ph) : [Mira Sorvino](http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0132512/AU29_2_29.jpg) in a fat suit
[WhyDad](http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/rhiannon_dreamsnake/detail?.dir=b150&.dnm=b0c0.jpg&.src=ph) : [Adrien Brody](http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0253474/Ss/0253474/121-23A.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Brody,%20Adrien)
[WhyKid](http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/rhiannon_dreamsnake/detail?.dir=7c59&.dnm=574d.jpg&.src=ph) : [Peter Ostrum](http://www.imdb.com/gallery/mptv/1372/Mptv/1372/21729_0001.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Ostrum,%20Peter) - Charlie from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
[WhyBaby](http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/rhiannon_dreamsnake/detail?.dir=7c59&.dnm=b3ab.jpg&.src=ph): She’ll have to play herself, 'cause she’s the cutest baby EVAH! 😃
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### Author:  [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/6 "2005-08-17T04:55:03Z")
I’ll just cast this according to similar in personal appearance.
THE PASSION OF THE RICK
The Life Story Of RickJay: Entrepreneur, Playboy, Husband, Father, Sex Symbol… God.
RickJay - Oliver Platt
Mrs. RickJay - Monica Potter
RickJay’s Dad - Bill Cosby
RickJay’s Mom - Elizabeth Taylor
Scott, Rick’s Best Friend - Edward Norton
Heather, Mrs. RickJay’s Best Friend - Rachel Weisz
RickJay’s Sister - Uma Thurman
Derek The Pizza Boy - Thomas Ian Nicholas
RickJay’s Boss - Noah Wyle
RickJay’s Assistant - Parminder Nagra
Irritating Neighbour Matt - Randy Quaid
Irritating Neighbour Helen - Melissa McCarthy
RickJay’s Insane Ex - Kate Winslet
Felix The Pitcher - Joaquim de Almeida
Trevor the Shortstop - Michael Richards
Mike, The Speed Wobbler - Philip Seymore Hoffman
Steve, Former Best Friend - Ryan Reynolds
Chris The Sausage Boy - Vince Vaughan
Grandma - Betty White, of course
Grandpa - Christopher Lee
---
### Author:  [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/7 "2005-08-17T05:31:43Z")
The Random Years
(we’ll pretend some of my family members are still living, or this would be a short list)
Elfie - Alicia Witt
Mom - a younger Bette Midler
Dad - Rob Reiner
Younger brother - a younger Shawn Hatosy
Cousin Joey - Chris Marquette
Grampy - Gerard Parkes
Grammy - Betty White
Great-Grammy - Bette Davis
Great-Grampy - Burgess Meredith
Elfie’s best guy friend - Joshua Jackson
Elfie’s best girl friend - Sara Rue
The guy at work Elfie lusts after - Christian Campbell
Elfie’s boss - the guy who wears the outfit with $s over it telling you about cash grants for businesses
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### Author:  [@Sarah\_Woodruff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarah_Woodruff)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 9:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/8 "2005-08-17T09:46:52Z")
Moi: [Merle Oberon](http://www.portrait.gov.au/content/exhibit/hollywood/content/merle_oberon.jpg)
Mrs Woodruff: [Lilette Dubey](http://www.mybrothernikhil.com/images/cast/lillete_dubey.jpg) but with shorter hair
Mrs Woodruff’s younger sister, my auntie: [Nadira Babbar](http://www.greenroom-press.com/clients/Pathe/home_ents/bride/images/Nadira%20Babbar%20as%20Mrs%20Bakshi%20and%20Anupam%20Kher%20as%20Mr%20Baksi.jpg) (she was Mrs Bakshi in Bride & Prejudice)
Mr Woodruff: [Michael Caine](http://www.r2-d2.org/Star%20signed/michael%20caine.JPG)
My best friend: [Sophia Myles](http://us.movies1.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/universal_pictures/bruce_almighty/sophia_myles/brucepre2.jpg)
My ex: [Edward Norton](http://www2.filmweb.no/multimedia/archive/00011/Edward_Norton_Wallpa_11296i.jpg) except he’d need to uglify himself;). And take up smoking - which apparently Eddie hates.
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### Author:  [@Poonther](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poonther)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/9 "2005-08-17T16:53:30Z")
poonther: Jon Cryer (Two and Half Men)
poonther’s spouse: Paul Teutul, Jr. (American Chopper, right down to the grease covered fingers)
poonther’s father: Hal Holbrooke
poonther’s mother: Betty White
poonther’s oldest brother: Ray Romano
poonther’s oldest brother’s wife: Jean Smart (Designing Women)
poonther’s middle brother: George W. Bush ( same accent, height, beliefs)
poonther’s middle brother’s wife: Laura Bush
poonther’s in-town nephew: Ashton Kutcher
poonther’s in-town nephew’s gf: Mary-Kate Olsen
poonther’s mil: Estelle Harris (George’s mom on Seinfield)
poonther’s fil: Peter Boyle (Everybody Loves Raymond)
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### Author:  [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/10 "2005-08-17T20:25:04Z")
Dad - George C. Scott
Mom - Raquel Welch
Bertha (mom’s mom) - Jennifer Paterson (one of the Two Fat Ladies)
Brother Jay - Chris Cooper
Brother Leland - Ray Wise (Leland Palmer from Twin Peaks)
Eddie Bryant (same grade in junior high, 3 years older than me) - John Belushi
Me - [Abraham Benrubi](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0072344/)
---
### Author:  [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/11 "2005-08-17T20:33:10Z")
Me: Sara Rue
Mom: Kathy Bates (it makes watching _Misery_ a rather upsetting experience–they look almost exactly alike)
Dad: An older Matthew Broderick with a beard
Best Friend: A younger Dawn French
Ex-Boyfriend: A shorter Tom Welling
Brother: The chubby Baldwin
Sister-in-Law: Maura Tierney
Back in college, my friends and I completely cast the sitcom based on ourselves. For some reason, that was a whole lot easier than it is now. Probably because we were stoned and people on the street actually _did_ mistake my friend Jim for Keanu Reeves.
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### Author:  [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/12 "2005-08-17T21:57:29Z")
DeVena: Dawn French
DeHusband: Kevin Spacey
DeDad: Ned Beatty
DeMom: Bette Davis
DeBrother: Marlon Brando (the later years)
DeSister: Maura Tierney
DeEvilBrother: Tom Cruise (small part)
DeMotherInLaw: The Ancient Booer in \*Princess Bride \* - the one who says “Queen of Putrescence”
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### Author:  [@kevja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kevja)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/13 "2005-08-17T22:30:02Z")
Father – James Garner
Mother – Shirley McLaine
Brother – Tom Selleck
Sister in Law – Holly Hunter (without the Southern accent)
Me – Lee Majors, circa Big Valley through Six Million Dollar Man
Maternal Grandmother – Angela Landsbury (but with an American accent)
Maternal Grandfather – Sparky Anderson
A sampler of ex partners
M – LaVar Burton
K – Sugar Ray Leonard
B – The guy who stared in “Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper”
J – Wilmer Valdarama
Current SO– Greg Louganis – not quite as hot, but hey, it’s a movie
Current Boss – Gary Cole with a Ph.D. And nice everyday
Best Friend – Andy Richter
Best Friend2 – Tim Curry, but balding and blond
Best Friend3 - Warren Sapp
First roommate after coming out – Christopher Lowell, but much more bitchy
---
### Author:  [@Poonther](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poonther)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2005, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/14 "2005-08-17T23:40:51Z")
If **kevja** looks like Lee Majors,the earlier years, he can have a very special guest star spot in my movie. Hell, I"ll even list him first in the credits. 😛
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### Author:  [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)
#### Post date: [August 18, 2005, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/15 "2005-08-18T00:10:20Z")
Doug: John Cusack
Papa Doug: Anthony Hopkins
Mama Doug: Olympia Dukakis
Doug’s earth-mother cousin Fran: Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio
Gayle, love of Doug’s life: Amanda Plummer
Marie, Doug’s psychotic ex: Cameron Diaz
Allan, Doug’s best college buddy: Drew Carey
Julie, Doug’s hot-pants dental hygienist: Heather Locklear
Bob, Doug’s worldrly-wise building super: George Carlin
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### Author:  [@carlotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlotta)
#### Post date: [August 18, 2005, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/16 "2005-08-18T02:55:08Z")
carlotta: Meg Ryan, younger than she is now, and not looking her best. Like she was in D.O.A.
carlotta’s husband: Harrison Ford (lucky me)
carlotta’s dad: Alan Alda
carlotta’s mom: Carrie Fisher, you know how she plays the therapist in Austin Powers? Just like that
carlotta’s 1st brother: George Clooney (lucky SIL)
carlotta’s 2nd brother: [Trent Ford](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0285913/) (I’m assuming you know all these other actors)
carlotta’s grandpa: Henry Fonda (it’s eerie)
carlotta’s grandma: Edith Bunker (also eerie)
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### Author:  [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)
#### Post date: [August 18, 2005, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/17 "2005-08-18T03:30:11Z")
Moving thread from IMHO to Cafe Society.
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### Author:  [@Nvme77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nvme77)
#### Post date: [August 18, 2005, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cast-your-family-and-friends/317353/18 "2005-08-18T03:51:03Z")
**Real NVME’s have curves**
NVME= Janeane Garafolo- the south of the border version
spouse= a very young Ryan O’neal
NVME Dad= love child of Hispanic Sherman Helmsley as George Jefferson and Carroll O’Conner as Archie Bunker
NVME Mom= Ali McGraw
NVME brother= Anthony Kiedis
NVME Oldest Son- that MTV Milonakis kid, age 9
NVME boy and girl twins: Malibu Barbie and Malibu Ken ( I know those are toys!)
NVME best friend #1= Reese Witherspoon
NVME best friend #2=Nicole Kidman
NVME best friend #3=Sarah Brightman
NVME ex husband= Chris Farley