# Catch plane, or not? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 14, 2018, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076 "2018-06-14T06:10:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![k9bfriender](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k9bfriender/32/3283_2.png) [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2018, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/41 "2018-06-14T21:51:49Z")
> [@eschereal](#): > > “Non-transferable” typically means the ticket belongs to you and you cannot have it transferred to someone else. Most airlines will reschedule you, for an additional charge (usually somewhat less than a whole fare), but if you just fail to show up, they will be irked: it will help if you can call them to let them know there will be open seats. > > So no, I am not leaving her. Probably not before she has seen a doctor. > [@Weedy](#): > > To save money, they bought **non-refundable** , non-transferable tickets, and have no travel insurance. My bold. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2018, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/42 "2018-06-14T21:57:10Z")
> [@k9bfriender](#): > > For all those that value your wife enough that you wouldn’t leave, do you not value your wife’s judgement and direction when she tells you that you should? The question is, do I have enough confidence in the ability of someone in their late 70s, with no medical training, **WHO FELL AND CAN’T GET UP** , to judge her own physical condition, and leave her alone even before an ambulance arrives. And I can provide dozens of anecdotes from my own (and my wife’s) family that old people who say “I’m okay” often aren’t. ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2018, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/43 "2018-06-14T22:00:10Z")
I’m not sure if the tickets could have been changed with 24 hours notice, but they were not reschedulable this close to the flight time, according to the terms and conditions, at least. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/44 "2018-06-15T12:11:55Z")
> [@k9bfriender](#): > > For all those that value your wife enough that you wouldn’t leave, do you not value your wife’s judgement and direction when she tells you that you should? I had bellyache for 10 days before my wife MADE me go to the doctor. 12 hours later I was waking up without an appendix. She valued my judgment until she determined it was poor, then she essentially took over the situation. Sorta glad she did. As for sis. Hey, you look after family but there is a hierarchy and “wife trumps sister” should not be a particularly stunning revelation. Adulting includes an obligation to look after yourself. That means deciding whether or not you want to have people in your life who can look after you when you can’t. A wise person will have several such contacts just in case their need conflicts with someone else’s hierarchy. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/45 "2018-06-15T12:37:50Z")
> [@k9bfriender](#): > > They are not an either or situation, so comparing their relative values makes little sense. > > For all those that value your wife enough that you wouldn’t leave, do you not value your wife’s judgement and direction when she tells you that you should? It is either or. Either I stay with my wife or I may never see her alive again. And in this case I don’t trust her judgement, she is under duress. Yes, I am being selfish while she is being selfless, but I also have an obligation to ignore her selflessness in such a situation as I’d expect her to do if the roles were reversed. You don’t know me or my wife, don’t assume you can wrap up our relationship in such simple terms. We respect each others wishes in general, but both of us also know when it’s time to consider the well being of the other beyond their momentary desires. And in addition to that, I would not leave anyone in their late 70s who cannot get up lying on the sidewalk to catch a plane. > [@](#): > > Turn this around, you are the one that is injured and waiting on a ride to the hospital, while your spouse stands there and waits with you. Would you ask them to go ahead and make the flight without you? If you would make that request, how would you feel about your spouse’s refusal to respect your wishes? I would think my wife loves me. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/46 "2018-06-15T13:41:28Z")
She said go, so I go. I make sure her phone is charged and in her hand. I ask her to update me regularly. ---
**Author:** ![k9bfriender](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k9bfriender/32/3283_2.png) [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/47 "2018-06-15T14:41:13Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > I had bellyache for 10 days before my wife MADE me go to the doctor. 12 hours later I was waking up without an appendix. She valued my judgment until she determined it was poor, then she essentially took over the situation. Sorta glad she did. > > As for sis. Hey, you look after family but there is a hierarchy and “wife trumps sister” should not be a particularly stunning revelation. Adulting includes an obligation to look after yourself. That means deciding whether or not you want to have people in your life who can look after you when you can’t. A wise person will have several such contacts just in case their need conflicts with someone else’s hierarchy. One down side of getting old is that that list of contacts wears thin as your peers die or otherwise are unable to be of assistance. Like I said, it would depend on how important the task was, and how important my presence was for it. If my wife spends a couple hours at urgent care, and they send her back with a sling and a prescription for advil, while her sister ends up on the street because the important task was left undone, no one is going to be happy with that situation. > [@TriPolar](#): > > It is either or. Either I stay with my wife or I may never see her alive again. That is the same assessment as any time you leave her presence. There are no guarantees. I had a good friend who seemed healthy enough one day, and less than a week later, dead. > [@](#): > > And in this case I don’t trust her judgement, she is under duress. Yes, I am being selfish while she is being selfless, but I also have an obligation to ignore her selflessness in such a situation as I’d expect her to do if the roles were reversed. You don’t know me or my wife, don’t assume you can wrap up our relationship in such simple terms. We respect each others wishes in general, but both of us also know when it’s time to consider the well being of the other beyond their momentary desires. It’s not just “momentary desires”, it is real and harmful consequences that someone else will experience. > [@](#): > > And in addition to that, I would not leave anyone in their late 70s who cannot get up lying on the sidewalk to catch a plane. I thought that this was in the house leaving for the airport, unless the idea was that we were walking to the airport. If it is actually outside on the sidewalk, that does change the calculous a bit. > [@](#): > > I would think my wife loves me. I would think that my wife doesn’t respect me. So, after this is over, and your wife stands there and waits while the ambulance comes, then stands there and waits while they load you up, and then stands there while a doctor looks at you, and stands there while you get some x-rays, and then stands there while you take a few advil, meanwhile your sister loses her house because instead of assisting in what needed assisting, she was standing there while other people took care of you, are you going to feel guilty? Is your wife going to feel guilty that she ignored your request that she help your sister, and instead, stood by and watched other people take care of you? ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/48 "2018-06-15T14:42:07Z")
> [@k9bfriender](#): > > Lets say that there is no one else to help out the sister in law, and if whatever it is with this project doesn’t get done, she looses her house, or something else fairly unpleasant and irreversible happens to her. > > So, if my refusal to accept my spouses wishes to go assist her family ends up causing great and irrevocable harm to her sister, what have I accomplished other than proving that I care about my spouse enough to ignore her? And what happens if there is a snow storm or hurricane and flights get delayed for 3 days? And you’ve never been in a situation where spouse says X and then later says “you know I really meant Y?” At thos point you don’t know that the wife can take care of herself after getting treatment. At this point you don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![k9bfriender](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k9bfriender/32/3283_2.png) [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/49 "2018-06-15T15:33:08Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > And what happens if there is a snow storm or hurricane and flights get delayed for 3 days? How is that relevant? That’s always a possibility. > [@](#): > > And you’ve never been in a situation where spouse says X and then later says “you know I really meant Y?” Not with a spouse, no. But I have been in situations where someone says that. I do not appreciate it. > [@](#): > > At thos point you don’t know that the wife can take care of herself after getting treatment. At this point you don’t know. And the OP does say specifically that we do have family in the area that can help her out. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/50 "2018-06-15T20:54:04Z")
> [@k9bfriender](#): > > How is that relevant? That’s always a possibility. Right. And the sister will be just as screwed if the delay is a snowstorm rather than an injury. This is exactly why we get to a cruise port at least a day ahead of sailing. > [@](#): > > Not with a spouse, no. But I have been in situations where someone says that. I do not appreciate it. When my wife does this it is because she thinks I prefer Y though often I don’t care. In this case she might say go so she could be a martyr, or because she things you’d rather go than stay with her. > [@](#): > > And the OP does say specifically that we do have family in the area that can help her out. Which means that you can go as soon as the wife is sorted out. But I don’t think the relatives are going to appear in five minutes, and there could be paperwork to take care of that they can’t do. I’m definitely not saying wait until she is completely healed - just until the situation is stabilized. Could be hours or a day. ---
**Author:** ![k9bfriender](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k9bfriender/32/3283_2.png) [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/51 "2018-06-15T21:53:32Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Right. And the sister will be just as screwed if the delay is a snowstorm rather than an injury. This is exactly why we get to a cruise port at least a day ahead of sailing. On my way to the airport, weather is probably not going to change all that much in surprising ways in that time. > [@](#): > > When my wife does this it is because she thinks I prefer Y though often I don’t care. In this case she might say go so she could be a martyr, or because she things you’d rather go than stay with her. I don’t really want to go, she wants me to go to help out her sister. > [@](#): > > Which means that you can go as soon as the wife is sorted out. But I don’t think the relatives are going to appear in five minutes, and there could be paperwork to take care of that they can’t do. > I’m definitely not saying wait until she is completely healed - just until the situation is stabilized. Could be hours or a day. Well, the OP left many details out. The ability to rebook would be something to consider. I am operating under the assumption that you would not be able to book another flight until after it was too late for the urgent task, as well as that, since we bought the tickets at a discount, we don’t really have the money to buy new ones. Sure, if it just means not leaving until tomorrow, and we can all afford the time delay and the financial loss, then it’s a no brainer that you stay with the wife. It is when those factors are a bit less clear, that she can’t afford the delay, or I cannot afford the loss, and you have to make choices that it’s not so clear cut. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/52 "2018-06-15T22:41:35Z")
If the “urgent task” over at the sister’s house is so gosh-darn life threatening, then call 911 a second time and have them head over to the sister’s house too. What exactly is the unspecified “bad thing” that’s going to happen to the sister if I don’t show up at her doorstep in 8 hours? I have to move a thing? Sign a thing? Clean a thing? And unless that happens, something happens? Bullshit. If something needs to be moved, we call some movers and they come over and move it, and we pay them. If something needs to be signed, we fedex the documents, or sign them digitally, or whatever. If something needs to be cleaned, we hire a cleaning service and we pay them. Nothing disastrous is going to happen to the sister if I’m not on that plane, and if there is, we call 911. If it’s just “Aunt Betty is getting on in years and can’t take care of X, Y and Z anymore” then me showing up on her doorstep in 8 hours is not the only thing preventing disaster. None of the things I can do for Aunt Betty–remember, I’m a frail 70 year old in this scenario, instead of the robust testosterone-soaked smoldering volcano of virile manhood that I am in real life–are so important that we can’t hire the goddam neighbor kid to do it instead. Or if not the neighbor kid, the appropriate professionals. And if it’s “Aunt Betty is fucking nuts, and if you don’t show up she’s going to be hysterical”, then that’s the 911 call. Call in social services. The point is, if there was nothing urgently threatening last week, what’s different about this week? If there’s something legitimately different about this week, then call 911 or the moral equivalent of 911. If there’s not, then we wait a week. And if we’re so strapped for money that we spent our last food stamps on these tickets, then what exactly are we supposed to do for Aunt Betty once we get there? Two frail broke-ass helpless septuagenarians? If not getting on that plane means we or Aunt Betty face financial ruin, then the problem isn’t not getting on that plane, the problem is that we’re no longer capable of handling our own affairs, and it’s time for the kids to find all three of us nursing homes. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/53 "2018-06-15T23:27:08Z")
I asked my husband what he’d say, and after running through the scenario at length, he pretty much said exactly what **Lemur866** said. He’d stay with me - no question. Although he did also say he wouldn’t fly in the first place, he’d drive. Once I got him past that, he said pretty much the above. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2018, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/54 "2018-06-15T23:43:48Z")
If she can’t get up, with minor assistance, it’s more than her shoulder. There’s no telling how much more than a shoulder until she’s been diagnosed at the hospital. Being completely immobile is too big a deal to leave. ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2018, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/55 "2018-06-16T00:57:21Z")
How much does the picture change if it involves your own sister rather than her sister? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2018, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/56 "2018-06-16T02:00:56Z")
> [@Missy2U](#): > > I asked my husband what he’d say, and after running through the scenario at length, he pretty much said exactly what **Lemur866** said. He’d stay with me - no question. Although he did also say he wouldn’t fly in the first place, he’d drive. Once I got him past that, he said pretty much the above. Your husband loves you. I don’t know what your vows were when you got married. I don’t know what mine were or even if we did that, but I vowed to put my wife above all others (save for my children in some circumstances). I would hope that’s an aspect of all marriages, though looking at the divorce rate it can’t be. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2018, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/57 "2018-06-16T02:22:22Z")
Wife here- if I told my husband it was important to me that he went, I’d be pretty upset if he overrode my judgement and stayed. Maybe would end up wishing he stayed, but that’s my mistake to make for myself. I could see him talking to me about and trying to convince me that he should stay- and if we came to a new conclusion together, that’d be fine. Married almost 25 years now. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2018, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/58 "2018-06-16T02:25:24Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Wife here- if I told my husband it was important to me that he went, I’d be pretty upset if he overrode my judgement and stayed. Maybe would end up wishing he stayed, but that’s my mistake to make for myself. > > Married almost 25 years now. So your husband has no say in where and when he goes or stays? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2018, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/59 "2018-06-16T02:28:03Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > So your husband has no say in where and when he goes or stays? That’s quite the leap. Since I need to say it clearly, no, he is not a prisoner, he can do what he wants. But I have say over my feelings about it. We’re he to stay despite my firm and clear objections, I’d be unhappy about it. Also note my edit, which addresses us talking together to potentially come to a new plan. My husband has a 25 year track record of respecting my autonomy and I respecting his and we’ve done ok. So it works for us. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2018, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076/60 "2018-06-16T02:31:40Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > That’s quite the leap. Since I need to say it clearly, no, he is not a prisoner, he can do what he wants. > > But I have say over my feelings about it. We’re he to stay despite my firm and clear objections, I’d be unhappy about it. Also note my edit, which addresses us talking together to potentially come to a new plan. My husband has a 25 year track record of respecting my autonomy and I respecting his and we’ve done ok. So it works for us. I did not see your edit. That’s a very reasonable plan. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/catch-plane-or-not/816076.md?page=4)