He doesn’t. I thought my sarcasm was broad enough to be instantly detectable.
That said, Father Zuhlsdorf is a pretty hard-line conservative, and a fan of the Latin Mass.
People in this thread were saying that some priests at least would accept to hear confession in a language they don’t understand.
I was taught in Catholic school in the 60’s that eating meat on Friday was a mortal sin. However it turns out that it wasn’t a sin depending on where you lived. My sister-in-law’s father was a Marine and for a time in the early 50’s was stationed in Hawaii. My sister-in-law’s mother joined the Church’s women’s club. Their first meeting was on a Friday and they served lunch.
Rosemary was shocked that the lunch included meat. She was told that Hawaii was considered a missionary area, and that missionary areas were exempt from the “no meat on Fridays” rule.
A bishop can issue an exemption to the rule for his own diocese, at his discretion. This is very often done when a locally culturally-significant feast day, such as St. Joseph or St. Patrick, falls on a Friday. I’ve even heard of this being done for non-religious holidays like Chinese New Year. I don’t know if there’s a blanket exemption for missionary areas, but I can quite easily see the bishop with jurisdiction deciding that it’s too much to ask of the new converts all at once.
And note that the sin isn’t the eating of meat per se; it’s the defiance of the authority of the Church. That’s still regarded as a sin in all times and places. But if the authority of the Church says that it’s OK to eat meat in such-and-such a situation, then doing so isn’t defying the authority of the Church, and there’s no sin.
One thing I don’t think anyone has mentioned is that it’s not sufficient to go to Confession and do the penance given – you also have to be truly repentant for the sin.
I went to RC school in the 60’s, back when the sinfulness of wearing black patent leather shoes was discussed. (I had a nun actually say that it was a sin for a girl to wear her hair in a ponytail since it would give the boys impure thoughts – they’d think about what was under the pony’s tail[!])
Anyway a nun told my class a story about a rich woman who committed mortal sins left and right. No use going to Confession since she wasn’t really sorry for them. But she figured that on her deathbed she’d be really sorry and could confess then. Therefore she had two personal priests – one for her winter house and one for her summer house. If she got sick or had an accident and death was imminent, a priest would be right there to take her Confession.
So of course when travelling from her summer house to her winter house she had an accident and died. With no priest handy to take her confession she was condemned to rot in hellfire for all eternity.
Obviously this is a very silly story, but it really impressed me. Not for the reasons the nun wanted it to impress us, but because it had never before occurred to me that someone could be so rich they could have their own private priest(s).
We got to the point where we would just make shit up to tell the priest so we could get out of the box quickly. Of course you had to be careful to balance the outlandishness of your claims with the amount of stuff you had done: a general claim of stealing was dumb - way too many Our Father’s and Hail Mary’s as penance. Taking your older brothers toys without asking - smart.
The up-side was being able to truthfully add ‘telling lies’ to your next confession 
Once when I was a kid, after giving confession I left the box and realized I hadn’t really heard the penance. I dithered about what to do for a while, then went and explained the situation to the nun. She told me to just go back and tell the priest. So I went back, got in line, and when I got in the box I told him that I hadn’t heard the penance, and he give it to me again.
Some time later I started wondering, how did he know who I was? There was a line of kids at the confessional, and I hadn’t repeated my sins. Could it be possible that he just gave the same penance to everyone? Or that he didn’t think it really mattered what the penance was? I had thought the penance was exquisitely matched to the sin. This bothered me for a long time and was actually a small (tiny) factor in my leaving the Church some years later.
–Mark
<snip>
If it’s the truth, it’s not a sin and doesn’t need confessing…Oh, stop! My brain hurts! 
This is probably true… but then, the mere existence of girls, no matter what they’re wearing or how they’re doing their hair, gives boys impure thoughts. Which was incidentally another handy sin to confess to.
markn+, the priest probably did know. Even laying aside the fact that he probably recognized your voice, he also would have noticed hearing the confessional door open before he gave the penance, and so knew which penance had been missed.
I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually leave before the penance was given, I just didn’t hear it or didn’t remember it (at this point, 50 years after the event, I don’t recall exactly what happened). I considered the possibility that he remembered my voice, and while that’s certainly possible, it seemed unlikely to me at the time since he had heard a whole class full of kids in a row. I would have expected him to verify it in any case (“are you the one who hit his sister with a snowball?”).
–Mark
Sometimes I wonder what kind of crap priests tend to hear. Like, I wonder whether it’s really boring, or really omigod, holy shit!
They don’t give specifics, but I have heard older priests advising young seminarians that they will hear acts confessed that they had never even contemplated as possible.
Well for celibate men, thats a pretty low bar. 
Old joke:
The experienced priest had been giving the recently-ordained one tips on such topics as what penance to give for specific sins confessed. One day, after hearing confessions, the younger priest asked, “What do you give for, um, you know, an act of, um, oral sex?”
“Well, usually,” the older priest replied, “I give $20, but more if he did a really good job.”
(Well, I said it was an old joke, not necessarily a good one.)