# Celebrity/Doper Fakemail **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 7, 2001, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285 "2001-08-07T14:52:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/41 "2001-08-09T13:52:35Z")
Dear U.S.A., We will not release our grip on your economy until you apologize for Chris Tucker. Sincerely, China ---
**Author:** ![pezpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@pezpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pezpunk)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/42 "2001-08-09T14:29:05Z")
Dear SDMB, (Why doesn’t anyone talk about me anymore?) ``` O º :) ( ) + A " ``` signed, Sweet sue ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/43 "2001-08-09T14:32:33Z")
Dear North Dakota Opera and Abstinence Society, I must protest your choices in opera, as they are becoming too warlike and martial. There is no need for aggression and violence in this world. ``` Respectfully, Tripler ``` ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/44 "2001-08-09T14:35:00Z")
Dear Adinistrators, ``` Please attempt to cut down the frivolous posts in MPSIMS. There is too much flirting going on. ``` TruePisces [sub](yeah, I’m gonna get it for THIS one…)[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/45 "2001-08-09T14:36:03Z")
Fellow Moderators, That Michael Masterson, whooooooo! Funny Kid! In fact, I’m going to request my username be changed to Mikey, to better honor him. Yours, manhattan ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/46 "2001-08-09T14:36:29Z")
Dear Fenris, Thank you for your submission of 73 assorted parody songs. At this time, and after careful consideration, we feel that we do not have a use for your work. Best of luck with future endeavors. Please pardon this short reply, but the volume of work that we do requires it. Sincerely, Weird Al Yankovic, Inc. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/47 "2001-08-09T14:52:05Z")
Deer Omaha Steaks, Where the hell is my food? I sent you guys a check weeks ago! I’m starving!! If my filets, burgers and tenderloin chops don’t show up tonight, I’m skinning the dog for steak. [ul]- **pldennison & peta zunami** [/ul] ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/48 "2001-08-09T14:54:47Z")
Dear Coldfire, Thank you for the 45 carat diamond necklace and round trip airfare to Amsterdam to come and live with you as your Modmistress. However, I must reiterate to you again, I am married. Love always, jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![pezpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@pezpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pezpunk)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/49 "2001-08-09T14:55:09Z")
Dear Lord of Darkness, Thanks again for our overwhleming success. It is hard to believe that a bunch of no talent ass clowns like us could get so huge! Thank you as well for destroying napster. That alone was fully worth sacrificing our souls! Well see you soon, Lars Ulrich ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/50 "2001-08-09T15:00:11Z")
Dear Rammstein Fan Club, Please remove my name from your membership list. I’ve come to the conclusion that the band sucks and Till needs to keep his shirt on. [Poison](http://members.nbci.com/bmifc/poison/band.htm) is the only band for me! _auf weidersen_, jarbabyj ---
**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/51 "2001-08-09T15:04:50Z")
**MrC** , sexy woman? 😉 Ok, I’ll play… Alpha-Six-Oh, [The early bird has caught the worm](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=6737)! Abort mission and all further communications and rally at rendezvous point. I repeat, _abort_. Stealthily yours, FORMERAGENT ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/52 "2001-08-09T15:12:12Z")
Dear Mother Theresa School of Global Human Compassion, I’ve tried. Lord knows how I’ve tried. Thanks to your tutelage, I’ve tried to hide my impatient, unforgiving side. I’ve tried to contain my loathing for my fellow man, my utter disdain for the idotic ideas and impulses of the worthless morons all around me. But the strain–the strain is killing me. I can’t keep hiding my true feelings any longer; these cretins are driving me BATS! I’m writing you to let you know I’ve stopped turning the other cheek, providing generous interpretations for people’s foibles and errors, and offering thoughtful support. That crap is getting way old. Here’s my honor diploma you granted me all those years ago. You can wipe your asses with it for all I care. Disrespectfully and I don’t give a damn, Manda JO ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/53 "2001-08-09T15:13:57Z")
Dear Mother Theresa School of Global Human Compassion, Could you send me some literature and an application? Also any merit scholarship information. Many thanks, Hamadryad ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/54 "2001-08-09T15:15:00Z")
Dear Jerry Springer, Have I got some stories for you. When I’m not lying on the couch, eatin’ bon-bons and watchin’ my stories [sub](can you believe Crystal left Billy for Storm?!)[/sub], I’m pimping my husband, that’s right, my husband [sub]the whore[/sub] out to over age Medicalcare widows to get money for my next tat-two. I want to be on yer show, honey, you can see me naked if you want. [ul] **-BunnyGirl** [/ul] p.s.: I cain’t read so well, so please call me on the phone. ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/55 "2001-08-09T15:29:57Z")
Dear Geddy Lee: I have come to the conclusion that Rush is nothing but a bunch of noise and your bass playing sucks. I realize that the only true music is the music that is made by my heroes, Pat Boone and Lawrence Welk, rock music is the tool of the devil. Furthermore I will be dedicating the rest of my life to their ideals, I will resign my moderatorship at the Straight Dope, and become a mod at the Celibate for Life BBS. Respectfully yours: **Coldfire** P.S. Inflatable pigs are a sign of moral weakness and they should be destroyed. ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/56 "2001-08-09T15:42:30Z")
Dear Batman, I dream of the day that you will rescue me from this life and take me away to your batcave. I’ve sent Enzo into town for new batteries for the Bat-signal, but he doesn’t suspect a thing. All my love, **wring** ---
**Author:** ![pezpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@pezpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pezpunk)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/57 "2001-08-09T16:50:56Z")
Dear Hartz, Thank you for your flea collars and shampoo. Ever since I first started using them my cat fur has been flea free and cuddly soft. Now if you could just release a line of phermone cologne so I could get laid! Thanks again, [Tiger man](http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_365440.html?menu=news.quirkies) ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/58 "2001-08-09T17:09:06Z")
Dear Tiger Beat magazine, Your publication does not contain nearly enough information about the Olsen Twins. For instance, what are they wearing this season? What are their turn-ons and turn-offs? What boys do they like? What flavor lip gloss do they favor? What grade are they in now? Do they do everything together or do they try to maintain their individuality in the face of the soulless corporate media that constantly throws them together? What are their natural enemies? Sincerely, **woodstockbirdybird** & **Duck Duck Goose** ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/59 "2001-08-09T17:28:46Z")
Dear Husker Du: You suck. Especially the guitar playing. And the lyrics. Well, everything about you, really. Signed, **woodstockbirdybird** * * * Dear Camille Paglia: I own everything you’ve ever written, and I tape your television appearances so I can watch them over and over. Your witty commentary on modern culture and politics, mixed with your atavistic sexuality tells me that you are the only person who knows what it is to truly be a woman. I think it would make a fantastic statement for sexually liberated feminism if you would let me come over and [CENSORED]. I’ll be waiting, **CrankyAsAnOldMan** * * * Dear Lux Fiat, As to letters, my case is peculiar. I write such things exactly as easily and as rapidly as I would utter the same topics in conversation; indeed, epistolary expression is with me largely replacing conversation, as my condition of nervous prostration becomes more and more acute. I cannot bear to talk much now, and am becoming as silent as the Spectator himself! My loquacity extends itself on paper. Regards, H.P. Lovecraft P.S. Boo! P.P.S. Do you like me? Check \_\_ Yes or \_\_ No. * * * Dear Planet Out, I’m tired of reading about politics and injustices! Would it kill you to put out a Beach Party or Boys of Summer issue, once in a while? Esprix ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2001, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285/60 "2001-08-09T17:45:40Z")
Dear Mr. Robertson, After secretly watching the 700 Club for the last 2 years, I’ve decided to give up the Goddess for your God, if He’ll give me you. Are you married? Wanna be? I think I can get rid of my husband if you’ll take me. Yours passionately and breathlessly, Persephone [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/celebrity-doper-fakemail/75285.md?page=4)