# Cereal Killers **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 26, 2002, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257 "2002-03-26T22:21:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/1 "2002-03-26T22:21:40Z")
Consequent to an excess of (Shredded) Wheat Substances which were consumed with Gusto by myself in the early hours of this morning (26 March 2002), I have spent several otherwise valuable hours of today in a totally unscheduled Coma. The Wheat Substances in question come in boxes (or _cartons_). Within the insides of these boxes (or _cartons_) there are 6 packets of Wheat Squares, although they are not, in truth, Squares at all. They are 3-dimensional packets (of 3) equally 3-dimensional pieces of Solid Shredded Wheat which are shaped like bars of Cussons Imperial Leather Soap (Bath Size), and which taste slightly better (or worse) than that product, but not much. The cartons (or _boxes_) are freely available in most kitchen cupboards, as long as someone remembers to replenish supplies when existing stocks are at _Danger!_ level, which is what happened recently with the so-called ‘Cornflakes’ product when we completely ran out of then existing reserves (of Cornflakes). One of the major problem areas associated with Shredded Wheat is the packaging strategy employed by the manufacturer as described more than adequately above. The product is marketed on the basis that it’s practically impossible to eat 3 Shredded wheat in one sitting, even if you are very hungry or Godzilla. However, the wheat(s) is (are) wrapped in threes (or triumvirates, as the Romans used to call their Breakfast Cereal) so the weaker members of society will always be stricken with temptation at the prospect of eating a Forbidden Third Wheat. Furthermore, it actually says on the wrapper as follows _Bet you can’t Eat Three_ which is legally a _prima facie_ example of conspiracy to incite to eat more than two (but less than 4) Shredded Wheats. Another major problem with this product is that it doesn’t really taste that good. Whether this taste shortfall is due to the bits of Cardboard which are mixed in with the wheat during the smelting process, I just don’t know. Anyway, the only way to eat Shredded Wheat is to completely cover the wheat with Honey and then to add Lots of Milk. If I make this sound easy to you, that is because I have had years of experience in the Food Industry as a Consumer (Literally). This fateful morning, I had already eaten the optimum 2 Shredded Wheats when I was tempted, for the first time since Sunday, to eat a sinful third according to the wishes of the manufacturer, Nestle, who became famous for Instant Coffee but didn’t stick to coffee like they should have done. Nestle have gone into Cereal Partnership with a General Mills, who probably has known links with the CIA which is probably using the company as a ‘front’ for so-called essential reasons of state-sponsored officialdom. Unfortunately (for me) I failed to cover the entire surface area of the Third Shredded Wheat with Honey or Milk, and a piece of Hardened Wheat got stuck in the back of my throat, which not only rendered me almost totally speechless but cut off my source of air for a dangerously long period of time (about 30 secs). During this seminal half minute of time, I swore that if I could only be spared I would never make another post on a message board ever again and b) when I did it would be to expose the poor standards of efficiency which plague the offices of the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA, which is also a film speed on a camera by the way) in failing to bring appropriate and necessary justice to General Mills (and the others involved in this debacle) and Nestle. When I had recovered my composure, I went back to bed and slept in a Coma for the next four hours before waking up with the twin desires of a) avenging wrong-doing and 2) eating several slices of Buttered Toast. My letter writing, email, fax, telephone and Poster Campaign is now ‘up and running’. Until the inevitability of my victory against Corporate Cereal Companies becomes a harsh reality, I urge all Shredded Wheat Eaters to ignore the blandishments of General Mills and his Forces of Darkness and to resist with all their Might the temptations of the Devil by stopping after the Second Wheat. Power without Responsibility has been the prerogative of Cereal Manufacturers throughout the Ages, although I could say the same thing about Harlots if I wanted to, and I probably would if I ate Harlots for breakfast, but I don’t because you can’t get them in the Shops in Rural Areas of England any more because they have been replaced by Sugar Puffs. In conclusion to this sorry tale of Near Death Experience, I would just like to say a hearty ‘Fuck You’ to General Mills and to tell him that his days of ruling the roost, cereal-wise, are definitely Numbered. And Nestle should go back to brewing fucking Coffee Beans. ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/2 "2002-03-26T23:11:44Z")
I don’t know which I find more disturbing: the fact that you were almost asassinated by a rogue Shredded Wheat operative, or the fact that Harlots are no longer available in your area. Over here on our side of the pond they (Harlots that is) can be found on practically every street corner in our larger urban centers. I wouldn’t want to eat one however! Good luck to you in your war against General Mills, and don’t stand with the light behind you. Incidentally, the best way to eat a Shredded Wheat is to first perform a pre-emptive strike by smashing it to bits with your spoon, and then drowning it in a milk-like substance. Just thought I’d throw that in, since this post is already way past the point of possibly making any sense. ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/3 "2002-03-26T23:26:36Z")
Damn. I guess I’m just a P-I-G pig. I almost always knock back all three biscuits. ---
**Author:** ![Macro\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Macro\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macro_Man)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/4 "2002-03-26T23:28:12Z")
Who the hell is Gusto? ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/5 "2002-03-26T23:30:20Z")
For some strange reason, I know have the insane desire to go out and buy a box of shredded wheat. ---
**Author:** ![saepiroth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@saepiroth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saepiroth)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/6 "2002-03-26T23:51:59Z")
me too, tucker. ---
**Author:** ![Robb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a183cd/32.png) [@Robb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robb)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/7 "2002-03-26T23:59:57Z")
If Harlots were replaced by Sugar Puffs, would a consumer of Sugar Puffs be a Sugar Daddy, a Puff Daddy, or a Sugar Puff Daddy? ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/8 "2002-03-27T00:05:28Z")
If you’re feeling particularly masochistic, get ye a box of Captain Crunch (with or sans crunchberries). After eating a bowl or three the roof of your mouth will feels like it’s gone through the shredder. Happy Crunching. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Asbestos_Mango)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/9 "2002-03-27T00:53:18Z")
Oh, hell, just _reading_ that has given me the shits. (retreats to the bathroom to offload some excess fiber) ---
**Author:** ![pesch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pesch/32/4925_2.png) [@pesch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pesch)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/10 "2002-03-27T01:04:13Z")
And don’t forget, kids, when the wife’s away and arranges for your to eat bran cereal in place of the usual daily serving of oatmeal, don’t be a pig and eat two bowls just because you think you’re hungry. You’ll regret it, oh, about eight hours later. And then at 23-minute intervals after that. ---
**Author:** ![Kamandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5daacb/32.png) [@Kamandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamandi)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/11 "2002-03-27T01:34:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Macro Man \* > \*\*Who the hell is Gusto? \*\* He’s the guy who snags the third shredded wheat. That gluttinous bastard\*. - Not to be confused with that glutenous bastard, the Quaker Oatmeal guy. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/12 "2002-03-27T01:45:37Z")
I…can’t eat them at all. I cannot put something into my mouth that so closely resembles a Brill-O pad. It’s just not working. ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/13 "2002-03-27T10:44:55Z")
Have you considered mini shredded wheats? Three of those are no problem whatsoever. One is generally quite hungry by lunchtime though. pan ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/14 "2002-03-27T13:44:47Z")
Well then you have to have more then two mini wheats for breakfast. (sorry someone had to make that joke) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/15 "2002-03-27T14:25:24Z")
Yes - and that somebody was me. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![GKW](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d9b06d/32.png) [@GKW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GKW)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/16 "2002-03-27T14:49:18Z")
I am disturbed by your choice of cereals. Cornflakes and shredded wheat? That is old man food. Yuck, stop eating that crud! You could poke an eye out. Haven’t you been taught the maxim, you are what you eat? Nastrurtiums, yogurt, and parsley for breakfast. Colorful, healthy, and soft. Boycott the General! ---
**Author:** ![Venoma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c4cdca/32.png) [@Venoma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Venoma)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/17 "2002-03-27T14:56:58Z")
Sounds like everyone here eats Shredded Wheat dry… I suggest pouring hot water on them, draining them, and then adding the cold milk and LOTS of white sugar… although I may try the honey now 🙂 Mmmmmm hot cereal gooood. I never eat less than 3 of them. ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/18 "2002-03-27T15:22:35Z")
So, basically, you **boil** your shredded wheat? Good gravy. pan ---
**Author:** ![robinh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b77776/32.png) [@robinh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robinh)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/19 "2002-03-27T16:09:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kabbes \* > \*\*So, basically, you **boil** your shredded wheat? > > Good gravy. > > pan \*\* I shouldn’t think so. Not much in the way of cooking juices, y’know? ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257/20 "2002-03-27T16:09:37Z")
Actually, gravy might be _good_ for improving the palatability of Shredded Wheat. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cereal-killers/100257.md?page=2)