# Chainsaws: Good **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 29, 2004, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077 "2004-03-29T13:00:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/1 "2004-03-29T13:00:13Z")
This one’s for you, **Ex**. If anyone else feels left out, just let me know and also tell me what you want to hear about. I won’t be going out of my way, but you never know. _You_ could determine the MMP in future weeks. But probably not, so don’t bother telling all your friends. It all started last Fall. Well, probably a long time before that. If you want to get right down to it, it _all_ started when God said _clap clap_ “Lights on!” and there was a Big Bang when He blew His fusebox out and things just ain’t been right since. But in the little picture, it all started last Fall. In the even narrower picture it started last week. About Thursday I think. But last Fall is when it all started that made me need to start something else last week. See, what happened was, my neighbor lady wanted a new fence between our yard and her yard. A _privacy_ fence. Oh yeah, like I sit in the window with my binoculars when she’s out there tanning topless. Like I would do that. Intrude on other people while they are naked. Me? No way. And she’s never out there naked or even semi-naked anyway. But she wanted a new fence, so she had her dad come over and he built her a new fence. He did a really nice job of it too. The new fence looks nice. Of course there _was_ an old fence there fist, so that had to be torn down. But they were really nice about it, telling us there plan and building the new fence before they tore down the old fence so our dogs didn’t escape. So there was a fence and a fence. To be neighborly (and the Little Woman told me too) I took down the old fence. It was a post and split rail dealy. Some of it still is. Just the stretch where the new fence went it’s not. But the rest of the yard is the same post and split rail fence that all the neighbors have. It probably all went in at one time. But I didn’t live here then, so I can’t say. So I tore down the old fence and then they finished up our side of the privacy fence (Ha! The jokes on her! Now _she_ can’t see _me_ when _I_ tan topless! Unless that was her plan all along…) and threw the old posts and rails in a pile because the neighbor lady’s dad said he’d cart it off and chop it up and burn it over the winter. Only he never carted it off. Thus he also never chopped it up. Plus the burning thing never happened. So I had a big ol’ pile of ex-fence in my yard all winter. So I had to do something. I decided _I_ would chop it up and burn it. Only not over the winter but when I get around to camping so I can have a big campfire. (It seems like pine and it’s been “seasoning” for, oh, twenty years so it’ll burn like _whoosh!_. Even without the gasoline.) Only I didn’t have a good saw to cut it up with. So I went to the hardware store and got me… a bow saw. In my defense, it didn’t look like a lot of fence to cut up. And it was just (like I said) pine or something. I thought I could just zip through it. As it turned out, I _couldn’t_ just zip through it. It was a lot of _Zaroobah! Zaroobah! Zaroobah!_. Do you hear any _zip!_ in there? No, neither did I. So after two hours of sawing (not all in a row) I called my brother. “Hey Skippy” I said. “Bring over your chain saw and cut up the other half of this pile for me.” So he did. Both the bringing over his chainsaw and cutting the other half of the pile up for me. _Brrrrrraaaaaaaaahhh!!!_ went the chainsaw and he was done in like ten minutes. My half: two hours. His half: ten minutes. The chainsaw was really the way to go. Now I have a big pile of cut up wood. I need to go camping and burn some up. -Rue. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/2 "2004-03-29T13:13:21Z")
You ooulda called **FairyChatMom** too **Rue**. Cept for the fact that **Skippy** lives closer to ya, I guess. Remember she has a chain saw too and she knows how to use it real good. I’ve never used a chain saw. I’ve never had to. See, I got friends and brothers with chain saws and they’ve always chainsawed stuff up for me when I needed it. I’m kinda afraid of em. I’m also afraid of my weed whacker but I use it. No real like traumatic reasons for being afraid, I just am. BTW the pool’s all clean and ready. Y’all come on down. ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/3 "2004-03-29T13:14:03Z")
One word: S’mores. Two words: More S’Mores. Three words: Chainsaw my fence? My patio privacy fence is falling over. We’ll prolly replace it in the next couple of weeks, but in the meantime, some of the slats are experimenting in non-Euclidian geometry. Plus I have two palms trees growing out the concrete slab. Would be nice if they would go away, but noooooooooooooooooooooooo, we’re stuck with them. Round-up does not work on trees, even little ones. So glad to be back; Rue, your stories are one of the things I’ve missed during my hiatus. Thanks for keeping me laughing. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/4 "2004-03-29T13:30:05Z")
Without the gift of chainsaws, the world might have had to put up with “The Texas Pointed Stick Massacre,” which would have been far less scary. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/5 "2004-03-29T14:02:24Z")
This is absolutely not true. It would’ve been the Texas Bowsaw Massacre, which is waaay scarier. Weren’t you reading? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/6 "2004-03-29T14:12:07Z")
Nope. Pointed sticks are far funnier than bowsaws. Although when I hear 'Bowsaw", I think “BowFlex”. Oh, the imagery. Heh. And until I change my sig, it looks like I am psychic. A psychic owl, now that’s a scary thought. ---
**Author:** ![Skerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Skerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skerri)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/7 "2004-03-29T14:14:46Z")
Bowsaws can be dangerous. Always wear protective gear. My dad’s best friend (DBF) was a Boy Scout leader for umpteen years. (I think that’s a little more than eleventeen.) He was pretty handy with stuff, and my dad always took his troop camping with his best friend’s troop. They had lots of fun. Unfortunately, DBF must have been lacking a little in the brains department on one trip. He decided to cut up some kindling for the fire. (For those not in the know, kindling is small branches, usually about the width of a finger or smaller.) Instead of breaking the sticks in half, he decided to use the bow saw. So, he starts hacking away, and about halfway through the pile, he says “Oh.” “Oh?” says my dad. “Oh. I think I need a bandaid.” Turns out he had cut the tip off of his middle finger, how I do not know. But it involved a bowsaw. So the lesson here, kiddies, is always use a chainsaw when cutting up kindling. In other news, I re-caulked my entire bathtub all by myself yesterday. I removed approximately 900 pound of mildewed caulk that some moron had put OVER the old mildewed caulk, and put down a nice, clean line. It looks beautimus. And, it actually matches our bathtub now, so it’s all pretty and almond colored, as opposed to what looked like melted marshmellow all over the place. Happy Monday Morning, **Rue**! ---
**Author:** ![earthpuppy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8c91f0/32.png) [@earthpuppy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/earthpuppy)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/8 "2004-03-29T15:02:32Z")
Are you certain that the old fence material wasn’t treated with something? You may want to think twice before burning it and spewing noxious fumes into the air. ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/9 "2004-03-29T15:05:50Z")
Dang **Rue** , what a story. It the neighbor who doesn’t go around topless hot? By odd coincidence, I also had a close encounter with a chainsaw this weekend. But my encounter was a little different because own the chainsaw, like manly men do(unlike some _others_ here). I used it to cut up some branches and stuff. I guess that’s not really very interesting at all, is it? ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/10 "2004-03-29T15:47:06Z")
I can only assume she’d be hot when she had no clothes on **Welby**. Or else, she’d put _more_ clothes on instead of taking them off. Duh. And while I, personally, _don’t_ have a chainsaw of my very own, I _do_ have a brother that has one. So I get all the chainsawing I need done with one simple phone call. And now I have a new bowsaw. And loppers. The loppers are good. You can chop through all _sorts_ of stuff with a good pair of loppers. Why, I’d hazard a guess you could cut out a palm tree growing out of a concrete slab with a set of loppers. And the folding garden saw thingy. I don’t know what they are really called, but it’s this saw, see. And it has a screw and wing nut on the one end so you can swing the blade into the handle. For safety. I have one of those. I _also_ have my own tiller. The Little Woman is threatening to enbiggen her flower garden, so it’s a good thing I have that tiller. (But will the bigger garden be big enough for my marigolds? Oh heck no!) Plus I have some shovels and rakes and stuff. Many impliments of gardening destruction. I also have a mattock. I could see “The Texas Mattock Massacre”. A lot of destructive potential in a good mattock. Think twice before burning stuff? **Earthpup** , who _are_ you talking to? Do you even _know_ me? Cutting kindling is just stupid. (Not to mention dangerous.) You’re starting a fire, right? So just _burn_ through the kindling. Then stuff the half-burnt stuff back into the fire. That’s the _real_ Boy Scout way. Burn twice, cut nonce. Oh, yeah, laugh at my pain **Screech**. I don’t mind. It’s like a service I provide. I share my life with you people merely as a source for your mirth. And I don’t ask for anything in return. It’s just the kinda guy I am. (And I missed you while you were away. Every week I’d think “Now where is **screech-owl**? I hope she’s OK.” And you’re back now, so things are good.) -Rue. (not that hot, so I’m keeping my clothes on) ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/11 "2004-03-29T15:54:30Z")
screech-owl: “What’s a mattock?” Rue de Day: “Nothing. What’s a mattock with you?” ---
**Author:** ![flamingbananas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f4b2a3/32.png) [@flamingbananas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flamingbananas)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/12 "2004-03-29T16:05:24Z")
_sings_ She wore an itsy bitsy tinie weenie yellow pokka-dot bikkini…that she wore for the first time today… ---
**Author:** ![earthpuppy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8c91f0/32.png) [@earthpuppy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/earthpuppy)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/13 "2004-03-29T16:09:16Z")
[hijack] Any MMPers in the Pittsburgh area? I need a humongous favor…I need some t-shirs from Philthy McNasty’s. It appears that they do not sell their t-shirts on line from their website, I’ve tried to call them but they don’t answer the phone (not even a message, just ring, ring, ring…). I will gladly pay for postage as well. Can anyone help me out? Thanks![/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![Taters](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/taters/32/2845_2.png) [@Taters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taters)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/14 "2004-03-29T16:13:45Z")
Hm, I don’t have any chainsaws, but I do have a bow saw, a hack saw, a “regular” saw, and a keyhole saw. Don’t ask me why, I just DO…and…I’ve used every one of them for some reason or another. We had to borrow our friend’s Sawz-All when we put up our fence last spring. We had a little slope, so we cut the tops of the boards so they looked pretty and “right”. Oh, what’s the difference between a polaski and a mattock? I THINK the mattock is pointy on both ends (yep, got one of those too) and the polaski is pointy on one end and has a kind of axey-choppy thingy on the other (and got one THEM too!). I’ve got LOTS of tools for digging in the dirt or hacking at the dirt. Plus, I’ve got rakes, hoes, spades, weird little weeding tools, and lord knows what else. I’m not gonna burn any fences though, I just put it up last year! ---
**Author:** ![GawnFishin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e9bcb4/32.png) [@GawnFishin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GawnFishin)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/15 "2004-03-29T16:16:19Z")
> [@](#): > > A lot of destructive potential in a good mattock. Oh how true, the problems is that it’s getting harder and harder to find a good Mattock these days. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/16 "2004-03-29T16:36:00Z")
Hmm. I don’t own a saw of any kind. About the closest thing I’ve got is a utility knife or a steak knife. Neither of those bad boys are going to cut through wood real well. Thankfully, I’m an apartment dweller, so I rarely have cause to use a saw.[sub]well, there was that _one_ time, but I don’t like to discuss it…[/sub]Of course, I don’t have a privacy fence, either. That’s why I keep the blinds shut! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/17 "2004-03-29T17:01:36Z")
Because I’m all environmenty I like to recycle stuff. Like talking about mattocks. I really can’t get enough of them. I talk and talk about them [all the time](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=199105). But oddly some people don’t share my fascination for the King of Garden Tools. They don’t even know what a mattock is. But around here people are helpful. Like **lightingtool** for instance. It was only [21 posts](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=3732994&postcount=21) in when he had to help people out and link to mattocks and other diggy thing. He’s so helpful. We should all be more like **lighting**. Only stand up straight more and not chew gum when we talk on the phone. Man! Is that annoying or what? You’re talking to someone on the phone and they’re chewing gum and it’s all _chew chew chew_. Gross. Don’t do that. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/18 "2004-03-29T17:55:56Z")
You think you mattock fans have it rough, you should trying being an adze fan for a while. It’s gotten to the point that I’ve nearly decided to get the definition tattooed on my forehead. _shakes head_ I’m an apartment dweller, too, so I don’t have many tools. I have a couple of “multitools” (read: cheap device designed to break when you need it the most), but that’s it. And a hammer. I think there’s a federal law that states that any guy must own a claw hammer, even if he only uses it for things you could just as easily use the heel of a shoe for.\* Some day, however, I will own my very own adze. And everybody will be jealous of me. - I’ve also named it after a norse god. Also a standard practice, I’m told. ---
**Author:** ![Parallax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Parallax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Parallax)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/19 "2004-03-29T18:04:25Z")
“The Texas Matlock Massacre” - now THAT would be scary. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2004, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077/20 "2004-03-29T18:34:08Z")
If you had bought a chainsaw, **Rue,** you could have put it on your ex-fence account. 🙂 Most folks hardly ever need a mattock. I inheirited mine. When the pump went bzit on a ten-below-zero day one February, I found out what they’re for. When you absolutely have to dig a ditch to find the well in frozen soil, you darn well better have a mattock. The following spring, the street department repaved the street. A month after that, the water department installed city water lines. Of course, that entailed tearing a dozen big holes in that beautiful new blacktop. This is the natural order of things. Civic plumbing projects must be delayed until after repaving. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chainsaws-good/237077.md?page=2)