# Chances are we aren’t compatible if...
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [September 5, 2008, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239 "2008-09-05T20:58:30Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@cainxinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cainxinth)
#### Post date: [September 5, 2008, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/1 "2008-09-05T20:58:30Z")
You are too cool to admit you like the movie Mannequin
You think Stanley Kubric is overrated
You have decided you don’t like Indian food, even though you only had it one time
You think Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are classy
You prefer the Post to the Times
You are rude to waiters
You don’t like old people, children, and dogs
You have a tiny little dog that never shuts up
You consider making babies your highest calling
You are bored sitting at home on a Friday night just hanging out
You stand in the corner at parties
You have an arch enemy (whether they know it or not)
You consider anything other than the missionary position icky
You wouldn’t take a spur of the moment jaunt to Iceland
You want to eat at the same restaurant every single week instead of trying something new
Your favorite band was a one hit wonder
Your favorite band is an obscure punk group that is really dark and depressing
You don’t have a favorite band
You wish homeless people would just get jobs already
You’re a vegan but you wear knee high leather boots and a full length leather trench coat
You’re not a vegan and you don’t own a pair of kick ass leather boots
You own a full length leather trench coat, regardless of dietary philosophy
You think going to a strip club is cheating
You buy fad diet books, cleaning products only sold on TV, and everything endorsed by Oprah
You don’t own a thong
You base major decisions on stars or the tides or thetans or some other nonsense
You say one of the ten things you would take to a desert island is cell phone even after I explicitly stated that there is no cell reception there because it’s the middle of the ocean
You can’t not let my family get to you even though I explained that they are nuts
You won’t do something totally embarrassing just for the fun of it
You won’t let me eat off your plate
You sleep with a stuffed animal or blankie (especially if it’s the same nasty ass thing you have been drooling on since infancy)
You think Jay Leno’s opening monologue is consistently sidesplitting
Even though you hate bugs and being dirty you wouldn’t just suck it up and go camping for one lousy weekend
You don’t like the beach, the city, or the mountains
The last museum you went to was Graceland… five years ago …and you didn’t even bother to see the whole thing
You tell me how fat you are all the time
You weight about as much as a standard poodle but you say you don’t want to sit on my lap because you’ll crush me
You weight closer to a standard grizzly bear and you won’t sit on my lap even though I told you a hundred times that I don’t mind
You get mad when I don’t recognize your voice on the phone after I told you my phone sucks and I can’t hear shit in it; besides what am I a dog? Maybe I’m just not good at recognizing voices
When you watch Fox News it isn’t out of morbid curiosity
You won’t try eating one tiny grasshopper with me at that really fancy Mexican restaurant
Your coffee order has sixteen words in it
Your drink of choice is served in a martini glass, but doesn’t look like a martini
You never stop to ponder man’s place in the universe and when I do you look at me like I’m crazy
It is virtually impossible for you to be ready to go in a moment’s notice and ideally you need three undisturbed hours
You don’t dance at weddings
---
### Author:  [@Lamar\_Mundane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamar_Mundane)
#### Post date: [September 5, 2008, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/2 "2008-09-05T21:02:38Z")
…
You post lists on the SDMB of more than ten things.
---
### Author:  [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/3 "2008-09-06T18:21:00Z")
Zing!
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### Author:  [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/4 "2008-09-06T18:25:26Z")
Well, I wouldn’t take a spur of the moment trip to Iceland, I have an arch enemy, and I stand in the corner at parties (I’m shy). I guess it’s never to be between you and me… sigh.
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### Author:  [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/5 "2008-09-06T18:28:48Z")
I don’t have leather boots or a trenchcoat, I’m not too keen on Iceland, and there’s no way in hell I’m eating that grasshopper.
Other than that, we’re copacetic.
---
### Author:  [@nd\_n8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nd_n8)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/6 "2008-09-06T18:44:12Z")
After reading that list I would like to formally withdraw my offer to be your wingman, your castoffs would be way to boring for me.
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### Author:  [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/7 "2008-09-06T19:31:47Z")
-You want to go camping even after i explain to you how we have evolved past having to live outdoors the last few thousand years, i like beds and toilets.
-You do embarrasing things because you think they are “fun”, they are not.
-You insist you are not hungry then eat of my plate. If we couldn’t afford two plates we wouldn’t be eating out, get your own damn food.
-If you ever so much as even hint at possibly thinking about maybe considering asking me to eat a god damn bug you better know some kung fu.
---
### Author:  [@MagicEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicEyes)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/8 "2008-09-06T19:43:27Z")
> [@cainxinth](#):
>
> You think Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are classy
They’re not classy, they’re klassy. And kute. Well, they think they are, anyway.
I would go to Iceland, but my passport is expired. ☹
---
### Author:  [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/9 "2008-09-06T19:57:50Z")
We’re going to Iceland? Yay! You’re paying, right? 😃
---
### Author:  [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/10 "2008-09-06T20:28:33Z")
Chances are we aren’t compatible if, during our first phone conversation, the topic of conversation is you, you, you, and you don’t show even an inkling of wanting to know even a single thing about me. Doubly so if the most interesting thing about you is your last trip to Home Depot and/or Target, which are the klassiest stores you know. Triply so if, when I finally get you to change the subject, you go on a diatribe about what an evil bastard your ex-husband is, and how you’ll never ever forgive him in a million years for being such an evil prick and how he’s so typical of all men who are all pigs and you hope they’ll all die miserable deaths.
There’s a reason you’re single, lady.
---
### Author:  [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/11 "2008-09-06T20:37:29Z")
– You want to ask a random person hanging on a street corner if he knows where we can score drugs in this town
– Score extra if that person happens to be of a race commonly thought of as selling drugs on street corners
– You insist I take you downtown to find bars even though I tell you no bars are open past 1 am in this town.
– You insist I take you to several ATMs to take out money from your daughter’s account which magically doesn’t work. Yeah, I’m sure it you just forgot the password, not that your ex has the acct locked down or anything.
– You almost get the folks at 7/11 to call the Sheriff due to your insistence on buying beer at 1 am on Sunday.
– You try to get it on with me when your children are asleep in the same room.
Score extra points if this happens all in the same night :eek:
---
### Author:  [@Hockey\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hockey_Monkey)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/12 "2008-09-06T20:39:19Z")
I can’t resist.
You are too cool to admit you like the movie Mannequin. _Way too cool._
You think Stanley Kubric is overrated. _Stanley who? Kidding. Kidding._
You have decided you don’t like Indian food, even though you only had it one time _I decided I don’t like it and I have never tried it._
You think Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are classy _Unless classy is a euphamism for nasty rich, not in the least_
You prefer the Post to the Times _Neither suits me._
You are rude to waiters _I won’t be rude, I’ll just not leave a tip._
You don’t like old people, children, and dogs _Dogs are OK_
You have a tiny little dog that never shuts up _I have a little dog and a big dog and they are both fairly quiet._
You consider making babies your highest calling _NO_
You are bored sitting at home on a Friday night just hanging out \* Can I surf the net?\*
You stand in the corner at parties _Only if that’s where the booze and food are._
You have an arch enemy (whether they know it or not) _I don’t have time to hate that much_
You consider anything other than the missionary position icky _I’m open to most anything_
You wouldn’t take a spur of the moment jaunt to Iceland _If I don’t have to pay for it, I’m in. And that’s because it would put a strain on my budget, not because I’m a mooch. If you want me to pay, I’ll gladly do that, but you have to let me plan for it._
You want to eat at the same restaurant every single week instead of trying something new _Nah, I like different foods rather than the same old._
Your favorite band was a one hit wonder _I don’t have a favorite band._
Your favorite band is an obscure punk group that is really dark and depressing _I don’t have a favorite band._
You don’t have a favorite band. \* Uh oh. \*
You wish homeless people would just get jobs already _Only sometimes_
You’re a vegan but you wear knee high leather boots and a full length leather trench coat _not a vegan, no boots, no leather trench._
You’re not a vegan and you don’t own a pair of kick ass leather boots _But I don’t look good in boots!_
You own a full length leather trench coat, regardless of dietary philosophy _What have you got against trench coats?_
You think going to a strip club is cheating _No, but it’s stupid and a waste of money._
You buy fad diet books, cleaning products only sold on TV, and everything endorsed by Oprah _I don’t really care what Oprah likes_
You don’t own a thong \* I own one, but I don’t wear it since I know what it’s like now.\*
You base major decisions on stars or the tides or thetans or some other nonsense _uuuh, no_
You say one of the ten things you would take to a desert island is cell phone even after I explicitly stated that there is no cell reception there because it’s the middle of the ocean _My Verizon wireless card won’t work? Fuck the cell phone, I need internet!_
You can’t not let my family get to you even though I explained that they are nuts _I won’t have a problem never seeing your family._
You won’t do something totally embarrassing just for the fun of it \* I totally would, and have.\*
You won’t let me eat off your plate \* You can have a fry or two, but if you want what I’m having, get your own.\*
You sleep with a stuffed animal or blankie (especially if it’s the same nasty ass thing you have been drooling on since infancy) _ew!_
You think Jay Leno’s opening monologue is consistently sidesplitting _I don’t watch Leno._
Even though you hate bugs and being dirty you wouldn’t just suck it up and go camping for one lousy weekend _Nope. I don’t hate bugs or getting dirty. I just hate camping._
You don’t like the beach, the city, or the mountains \* I like them all\*
The last museum you went to was Graceland… five years ago …and you didn’t even bother to see the whole thing _I saw the Bodies exhibit when it came to town. That’s pretty museumy._
You tell me how fat you are all the time _I promise not to tell you I’m fat if you promise not to tell me I’m fat._
You weight about as much as a standard poodle but you say you don’t want to sit on my lap because you’ll crush me _I wish!_
You weight closer to a standard grizzly bear and you won’t sit on my lap even though I told you a hundred times that I don’t mind _Well if you asked for it don’t complain when I crush you._
You get mad when I don’t recognize your voice on the phone after I told you my phone sucks and I can’t hear shit in it; besides what am I a dog? Maybe I’m just not good at recognizing voices _I don’t like talking on the phone._
When you watch Fox News it isn’t out of morbid curiosity _I don’t watch the news._
You won’t try eating one tiny grasshopper with me at that really fancy Mexican restaurant _If the Mexican restaurant is serving grasshopper, I won’t consider it very “fancy”._
Your coffee order has sixteen words in it _I don’t frequent coffee houses, and take mine with cream and sugar please._
Your drink of choice is served in a martini glass, but doesn’t look like a martini _Look does it really matter what the glass looks like as long as I get my booze?_
You never stop to ponder man’s place in the universe and when I do you look at me like I’m crazy _I do momentarily every once in a while, but it makes my head hurt so I stop._
It is virtually impossible for you to be ready to go in a moment’s notice and ideally you need three undisturbed hours _Who needs that long to get ready to go anywhere? I’m out the door in the morning in 30 minutes and that includes shower and walking the dogs._
You don’t dance at weddings _Not till I’m nicely buzzed_
---
### Author:  [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/13 "2008-09-06T22:11:58Z")
…you feel that you should dictate my choice of clothing or hairstyle.
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### Author:  [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/14 "2008-09-06T22:19:07Z")
**Hockey Monkey,** are you male or female? Because I wanna date you. We’re gonna have to have separate computers, though, I don’t share computers.
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)
#### Post date: [September 6, 2008, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/15 "2008-09-06T22:44:02Z")
But…but…Stanley Kubrick IS overrated!
(That’s about as far as I got on the list. Life’s too short, man.)
---
### Author:  [@Hockey\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hockey_Monkey)
#### Post date: [September 7, 2008, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/16 "2008-09-07T00:24:08Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#):
>
> **Hockey Monkey,** are you male or female? Because I wanna date you. We’re gonna have to have separate computers, though, I don’t share computers.
😊
I’m female, and I prefer men for relationships, but I’m open to dating either sex. I’m currently seeing someone special though.
And I get all weird when someone else touches my computer, so yeah, separate is good. 🙂
---
### Author:  [@WormTheRed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WormTheRed)
#### Post date: [September 7, 2008, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/17 "2008-09-07T01:45:02Z")
Well, I’ve got the boarding covered in Iceland 😉
You guys just need to get here 🙂
(as for the rest of the questions - ups and downs, way to long)
---
### Author:  [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)
#### Post date: [September 7, 2008, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/18 "2008-09-07T01:59:48Z")
Well I think I could be compatible with you **caithinx** , although I don’t have a favorite band. I could name one if forced.
Here’s my list:
You don’t have a big sense of humor, preferably twisted
You’re overly shy.
You don’t like nature.
You have no sense of wonder
You’re never curious.
You’re unforgiving
You automatically think all animation is childish
You like your steak well-done
You are allergic to seafood
You are a picky eater.
You whine more than infrequently.
You smell … actually some of my good friends smell, nevermind.
You don’t drink ever unless it’s for health reasons.
You are vegan and it’s not for religious reasons
You hate religion and think all faithful should be annihilated.
You suck at having conversations
You think oral sex is icky
You think anal sex is icky
You think sex period is icky, (i’ll give a pass on period sex matters)
You kick puppies for fun. Kittens are fine though.
You never listen to music and don’t know anything about it.
You hold irrational opinions and then refuse to listen to reason.
You bottle up your emotions.
You don’t like Star Wars
You’ve never heard of CS Lewis
You invest all your time wondering what others think about you
You are a sheep (not literally. I’m sure sheep make fine friends)
Well that’s mine. Although to be honest I’m a social chameleon so I get along with everyone really. I guess the above is more for dating and the like.
---
### Author:  [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)
#### Post date: [September 7, 2008, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/19 "2008-09-07T02:21:37Z")
> [@WormTheRed](#):
>
> Well, I’ve got the boarding covered in Iceland 😉
>
> You guys just need to get here 🙂
>
> (as for the rest of the questions - ups and downs, way to long)
Slumber party at **WormTheRed** ’s place!
---
### Author:  [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)
#### Post date: [September 7, 2008, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chances-are-we-aren-t-compatible-if/462239/20 "2008-09-07T02:50:11Z")
> [@Hockey\_Monkey](#):
>
> 😊
>
> I’m female, and I prefer men for relationships, but I’m open to dating either sex. I’m currently seeing someone special though.
>
> And I get all weird when someone else touches my computer, so yeah, separate is good. 🙂
Maybe we could just hang out together, as I am also female and and hetero. But I’m always ready to make a new friend.