# Change A Letter (Or: the films they SHOULD have made...) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 1, 2004, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101 "2004-07-01T20:11:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/21 "2004-07-02T17:13:40Z")
Cheatng slightly Preggy Woman : The obvious sequel to Pretty Woman. Pie Another Day : You just knew James Bond was a doper. True Pies : So is Arnie Pie Hard : And Bruce Willis šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/22 "2004-07-02T17:18:58Z")
> [@Colophon](#): > > **Pie Hard:** Big-budget pastry chef disaster flick. Wasnā€™t this more or less the character played by Stephen Segal in **Under Siege**? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/23 "2004-07-02T17:49:07Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > The Empire Strikes Sack: Vader goes around kicking his enemies in the nuts _wheezing_ Oh man, that one slew me! Mannon of the String: An immigrantā€™s daughter continues to tear apart a homestead to find a lost piece of yarn. Cat on a Hat Tin Roof: You should not be Homo, you should not come out, stay well in the closet when Big Daddy is about. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/24 "2004-07-02T18:03:45Z")
**Moldfinger** : James Bond foils a plot to steal the United Statesā€™ reserves of mildew. **A Clockwork Grange** : Alex and his droogs practice ultra-violence down on the farm. **Bleeper** : Woody Allen wakes up in a repressive future where profanity is forbidden. **The Green Mice** : Tom Hanks encounters seasick rodents. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/25 "2004-07-02T18:06:16Z")
**Duke, Whereā€™s My Car?** - Ashton Kutcher and John Wayne team up and track Indian car-thieves across the West. **Back to the Futura** - Doc Brown decides the DeLorean is no longer suitable for his time machine, and reverts to an older vehicle designā€¦ **Hudson Hack** - Bruce Willis plays the worldā€™s foremost computer criminal in a surrealistic buddy comedy. **This Island Garth** - To re-kindle the generators of planet Metaluna, the aliens need incredible scientific minds. . . Not! ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/26 "2004-07-02T18:24:16Z")
**The Longest Lay** : Participants endure a lengthy penetration on a French beach. **The Hose Whisperer** : A devoted gardener listens to and helps hoses and those that love them heal themself. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/27 "2004-07-02T18:30:06Z")
**Return of the Jeri** - Once oppressed by the Evil Galactic Empire, a forgotten styling product begins to make a comebackā€¦ **Nausieaa (AKA : Warriors of the Wine)** - A community of drunken hanggliding farmers features in this post-apocalyptic environmental morality tale. **Clarks** - Independent film, focusing on the day-to-day mundanities of a pair of mild-mannered reporters for a major metropolitan newspaper. **Liens** - Sigourney Weaver stars in a dark vision of a future where bankers have been allowed to breed out of controlā€¦ ā€œThey mostly conduct negotiations at nightā€¦ mostly.ā€ ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/28 "2004-07-02T18:39:26Z")
Damn Yanke **r** s! - Musical about those Crank-Yanker guys in hell. D **u** nces With Wolves - duhhhhā€¦is da big bad wolf gonna bite me? Dan **d** erous Liasons - Love and death among the highly allergic **B** aredevil - Ben Affleck as the blind (and naked) Matt Murdock Da **n** kman - the story of a very moist guy. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/29 "2004-07-02T18:47:22Z")
I see Rufus grabbed Daredevil as my reply-to screen was loading, but Iā€™ll borrow it neverthelessā€¦ **Damedevil** - Dame Edna stars as a leather clad blind crimefighter protecting the streets of New York. **The Bowling** - Every Month, when the moon is full, theyā€™re calledā€¦ for league play. **Onan the Barbarian** - Iā€™m not even going to do a description here. **Cool Han Luke** - The rebellionā€™s two most famous heroes, captured by the Empire, forced to work in a labor camp. ā€œUsinā€™ the Force here, Boss.ā€ ā€œUse the Force, there, Luke.ā€ ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/30 "2004-07-02T19:15:25Z")
**Mulder by Death** - an update of the Neil Simon classic, using modern investigative characters like Scully and Mulder, Buffy and company, etc. Actually, Iā€™d go see that. šŸ˜ƒ **Minority Retort** - In the future, Sarcastic quips are outlawed. Tom Cruise just found out that heā€™ll be shooting his mouth off tomorrow. Everybody runs. \*\*Brotherhood of the Woolf \*\* - Provincial France is terrorized by what seems to be a British feminist author. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/31 "2004-07-02T19:27:50Z")
**On The Taterfront** : An Ore-Ida peeler struggles to stay awake at work. **Paws** : A police chief, a scientist, and a grizzled vet set out to declaw a cat that is snagging the upholstered recliners in a seaside community. ---
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/32 "2004-07-02T19:30:10Z")
Good Mo **a** ning Vietnam: Robin Williams is enlisted to lead the Playboy bunnies to victory. Priscilla, Queen of the Dessert: He makes a damn, fine apple pieā€¦In high heels and suspenders! ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/33 "2004-07-02T19:38:29Z")
**Stone Coli** - Brian Bosworth infiltrates the human digestive system. **Heelraiser** - Get ready to kick up your heels with square dancingā€™s favorite caller, Pinhead! ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/34 "2004-07-02T19:50:45Z")
**Frida the 13th** - Camping Co-Eds are assaulted by an undead artist. **42nd Streep** - Yes, beloved Meryl plays every single part in this musical movie. **Apocalypse, Pow!** - The Vietnam conflict takes a turn for the campy when Batman and Robin are sent in after Colonel Kurtz and the Penguin. ā€œHoly Saigon Whorehouse, Batman!ā€ **The Sulk** - Dr. Banner, exposed to gamma radiation, finds that his bouts of chronic depression now have the power to transform him into a blue monstrosity - the Sulk. ā€œDonā€™t make me sad. You wouldnā€™t like me when Iā€™m sad.ā€ ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/35 "2004-07-02T20:22:12Z")
**Funding Nemo** - The heartwarming tale of a Pixar executive and his quest to raise $94 million to make a cartoon about a fish. ---
**Author:** ![Jpeg\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@Jpeg\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jpeg_Jones)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/36 "2004-07-02T20:30:46Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > **The Hose Whisperer** : A devoted gardener listens to and helps hoses and those that love them heal themself. Hey, I did that one one page 4 of the November thread! Great minds and all thatā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/37 "2004-07-02T20:42:11Z")
Better dead thanā€¦ Dea **f** Poets Society ā€“ Robin Williams canā€™t hear, but he can sure rhyme up a storm The Dea **l** Zone ā€“ Christopher Walken as a psychic used car salesman Dea **n** Ringers - Jeremy Irons in a dual role as the Dean of a college and his degenerate twin Dea **r** Presidents ā€“ Pure fiction. **B** ead Man Walking ā€“ Sean Penn as an itinerant peddler on the Venice Boardwalk The **H** ead Pool ā€“ Clint Eastwood - yuck. You donā€™t want to know. **M** ead Again ā€“ Kenneth Branagh cannot get enough of that honey liquor. **R** ead & Buried ā€“ One town comes up with a unique way to recycle books ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/38 "2004-07-02T23:29:59Z")
**The Wizard of Boz** ā€“ A 20-something Harry Potter gets a job trying to revive the _Lido Shuffle_ singerā€™s career **Muting on the Bounty** ā€“ Anachronistic remake of the sea yarn features Fletcher Christian and Captain Blighā€™s juvenile battle to turn down the sound on each otherā€™s TV sets **While You Were Steeping** ā€“ Sandra Bullock extracts Peter Gallagher from a life of obsessive devotion to searching for the perfect ā€œcuppaā€ **St. Elmoā€™s Firs** ā€“ Canonized man returns to Earth to sell Christmas trees to a bunch of hipsters in Georgetown neighborhood of Washington, D.C. **Viva Zapato!** ā€“ A Mexican peasantā€™s shoe becomes a venerated museum relic ā€“ and is even rumored to occasionally come to life ā€“ years after its owner leads a victorious revolution against a corrupt national government ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2004, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/39 "2004-07-02T23:53:01Z")
ā€˜Son? I have no son.ā€™ Con of Frankenstein - Fooled you! Thereā€™s no monster! And I got all your money! Don of Frankenstein - Ygor sleeps with the fishes. Ton of Frankenstein - Biggest. Ever. Sob of Frankenstein - waaaa! Fire Bad! Sot of Frankenstein - _Burp!_ Sow of Frankenstein - Oink! Soy of Frankenstein - Now with more flavor! ---
**Author:** ![if6was9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47c2d/32.png) [@if6was9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/if6was9)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2004, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101/40 "2004-07-03T02:30:51Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > **Cool Han Luke** - The rebellionā€™s two most famous heroes, captured by the Empire, forced to work in a labor camp. > > ā€œUsinā€™ the Force here, Boss.ā€ ā€œUse the Force, there, Luke.ā€ [Yoda]50 eggs eat you can not.[/y] This is fun! **Says Of Thunder** - Tom Cruise does a one-man show talking about storms heā€™s endured. **Kindergarten Mop** - Arnold plays a janitor in an elementery school. **The Taterboy** - Adam Sandler brings the football team potatoes for extra carbs and energy. **White Men Canā€™t Hump** - XXXā€¦ 'nuff saidā€¦ **The Wolrld According To Carp** - a fish-eye viewā€¦ **Call The Presidentā€™s Men** - Instead of running all over D.C and talking to strangers in parking lots, Redford and Hoffman call the conspirators directly and solve the case by Election Day '72. President McGovern pardons Nixon soon thereafterā€¦ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-a-letter-or-the-films-they-should-have-made/253101.md?page=3)