# Change for a spouse's benefit: how much is appropriate? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 16, 2009, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-for-a-spouses-benefit-how-much-is-appropriate/514079 "2009-10-16T19:48:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 5\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Hallucinex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ba9def/32.png) [@Hallucinex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hallucinex)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2009, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-for-a-spouses-benefit-how-much-is-appropriate/514079/21 "2009-10-20T09:51:36Z")
I think that requiring major changes would often preclude the marriage in the first place - although I could see difficulties if one spouse changed during the relationship and wanted the other to change with them… I think it really depends on the couple and on the habit/view/whatever being changed. I see a lot of room for change on things where you feel yourself that it’s something that needs changing (e.g. a bad habit that might not matter all that much to you on your own, but you’d rather avoid to make things easier for your partner) - but less for things where it’s purely the partner trying to change you. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2009, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-for-a-spouses-benefit-how-much-is-appropriate/514079/22 "2009-10-20T14:13:51Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > What **Manda JO** said – I didn’t want to vote on the poll because my answer is basically “It depends!” – our rule is generally that the partner who cares the most gets to decide. So… my husband cares a lot that the knives be washed right after cooking and not left in the sink for a long time as I used to do, and I don’t care very much, and I respect the argument that since we now have nice knives (I had crappy ones before we got married) we should treat them well, so I’ve changed that habit. He would mildly prefer if I dealt with spiders instead of asking him to do so, but I would much rather he do it, and he doesn’t really mind, so I haven’t changed in that regard 🙂 > > We’re both pretty easygoing, though. I could see this strategy not working if one partner cared a whole lot about most things and the other one didn’t. The poll didn’t say, “Pick which statement you agree with absolutely: (A) Never change anything about yourself in a relationship -or- (B) Always change to accommodate your partner.” The question was which of the options you mostly agree with, and option A says you shouldn’t have to change much, and allows for exceptions. There are some fairly minor things I am willing to bend on for my old man. For example, he’s got some weird thing about keys jangling when he’s asleep; it wakes him up for some reason. I don’t respond with, “I jangle my keys. Deal with it.” If he’s sleeping and I need my keys, I make a point of picking them up noiselessly. I view this as a very minor change that I make in order to avoid being an ass. I do this for a lot of people. As a rule, I don’t think significant changes should be made for the marriage. If the person needs so much reform, why the hell are you with him? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2009, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-for-a-spouses-benefit-how-much-is-appropriate/514079/23 "2009-10-20T14:18:02Z")
Where’s the radio button for “I have no freakin’ clue”? ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2009, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-for-a-spouses-benefit-how-much-is-appropriate/514079/24 "2009-10-20T14:29:01Z")
No shit; it’s often a game-time decision… ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2009, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-for-a-spouses-benefit-how-much-is-appropriate/514079/25 "2009-10-20T16:18:17Z")
I find myself adjusting my wardrobe choices (which ties, which kinds of casual shirts) toward items that I know my wife finds appealing. She, on the other hand, refuses to wear the catsuit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/change-for-a-spouses-benefit-how-much-is-appropriate/514079.md?page=1)