# Changing maiden name **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 11, 2008, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175 "2008-11-11T11:03:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/41 "2008-11-11T17:59:23Z")
When I first got married I hyphenated. There was never any question about completely taking the spouse’s last name–for one thing it’s hard to spell, for two, I’m not particularly fond of it, and for three, while I do like his family, I feel like a space alien among them–it’s a very large, very close, _very_ religious famliy and I don’t identify with them at all beyond seeing each other a couple times a year for holidays. So I figured the hyphen was a nice compromise. I never did change it on legal documents, though, so for awhile I kind of used both. Lately I’ve been moving back toward using just my given name. I don’t like it any more than I like the spouse’s last name, but it’s easy to spell and it’s mine. I don’t like the term “maiden name” either (I think it’s a bit patronizing), but what _really_ bugs me is the whole “Mrs. (or Mr. and Mrs.) HisFirstName HisLastname” or “The HisFirstName HisLastName Family” construction. I don’t use “Mrs.” at all–if I’m forced to pick a title, it’s “Ms.” If his marital status isn’t relevant, then neither is mine. I’ve also flatly refused to open any bit of mail addressed to “Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName.” I make the spouse do it. He doesn’t mind. I’ll reluctantly open things addressed to “MyFirstName HisLastName,” but I try to educate the sender. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/42 "2008-11-11T18:13:18Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > Raise your hands if you took your last name from your Mom’s original born surname instead of your Dad’s. > > Oh what’s that? Your Mom changed HER name to your Dad’s? Yeah, so of course it would not normally have occurred to you to use your Mom’s born (maiden) name as your last name. What difference does that make? I was born with this name, regardless of whose it was before. I’d had this name for 35 years before I got married and I’m used to it. Also, I’m named after my father, with only one letter difference between mine and his, and I like him a hell of a lot more than I like my mother’s family anyway, so I have no regrets about holding onto this name. Amusingly, whenever we get mail from my husband’s family, they always refer to me as having his last name. People do still assume you’re going to take the husband’s name. I haven’t corrected them. Whatever. I have corrected the members of my family who did it, though. Another weird thing is that sometimes I get called Mrs. Rubystreak at work, because the kids know I’m married but don’t realize that I didn’t change my name. Mrs. Rubystreak is either my mother or my sister-in-law, but not me. I’m Ms. (or Miss, if you want to be regressive about it), but not Mrs. ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/43 "2008-11-11T18:16:25Z")
I took my husband’s family name because…well, just because. His is shorter, easier to spell, sounds better with my first name, and I was in luurrrvveee. Still am, of course. And still happy I changed it. ---
**Author:** ![Cowgirl\_Jules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Cowgirl\_Jules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cowgirl_Jules)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/44 "2008-11-11T18:21:23Z")
I’ve changed my name a few times. The first time I got married, I took his name, but when I got divorced, I gleefully took my own name back again. I liked my name and didn’t want to be associated with his, even though my sons carry that name. Then I went and established myself and my business under my name. I got married a month ago, and intended to drop my middle name, move my last name up to that position, and take his as a last name. That way, I could use the full name and still keep my professional identity. But Social Security threw a wrench in my plans. The lady at the office said that I can’t drop the middle name without a court order; simply getting married wasn’t enough justification any more. So she changed it to both last names, no hyphen. I do not like having two last names. Where will I ever know where I’m filed? I called their office again, and found someone willing to dig through regulations for me. When I went back to the office, I got someone else and she and her supervisor said they had to do some more research, but didn’t automatically say no this time. Of course, I had to wait, as apparently you can’t change it with them but every two weeks. I should find something out this week, I think. So I’ve been in limbo. I still use my original name for the business; it’s just easier. ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/45 "2008-11-11T18:36:44Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > Raise your hands if you took your last name from your Mom’s original born surname instead of your Dad’s. > > Oh what’s that? Your Mom changed HER name to your Dad’s? Yeah, so of course it would not normally have occurred to you to use your Mom’s born (maiden) name as your last name. But that’s the point I’m trying to make: if you are female the name you are born with (for most people) already has less significance in some ways. It is not your Mom’s name and her Mom’s name and her Mom’s name before that. It is already culturally marked and lfagged as a name that female folk like you use until you get married. Whether you yourself do that or not, even the name you were born with was not “designed for you” as a permanent identity, not the way boyfolks’ last names are. (I am male, my last name is not just mine but my Dad’s Dad’s Dad’s Dad’s Dad’s etc…). > > It may be a small, perhaps even annoying trivial distinction, but I think psychologically it makes a difference in how women regard their names. Adds in a little bit of “screw it all anyway” to their internal computations. My mom never changed her two last names. Her grandmother did not changed her two last names. My aunts haven’t changed her last names. In my culture, yes, the females take the dad’s first last name first and mom’s first last name second (like Nava said). So yes, my first last name is my (paternal) dad’s dad’s dad’s dad’s dad’s. My second last name is my maternal grandfather’s dad’s dad’s dad’s dad’s last name (doing exceptions for illegitimate/unrecognized/out of wedlock kids). And yes, in my culture, at least in my family, my birth name is not something to be given up when I marry, but to keep it on until I die, it is my permanent identity, the name my parents and family expect me to keep. I’m a Grenze-something else, I belong to those two families, who at the same time belong also to two other families, and so on. That is my connection, those are my groups, to them I belong. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/46 "2008-11-11T18:59:10Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > it honestly never occurred to me that other people might consider a name as part of their group identity. Not only do they consider it a part of their group identity, they can be downright rabid about it. I know people who say things like “If my kid ever did XYZ I would disown them! And then tell them to change their name!” or demand that a divorced wife change her last name (if she had taken the family name). Evidently names are a powerful thing to some folks. Not me, I don’t care. I have 4 siblings and I’ve been married 3 times. I’ve been called all kinds of names (brother’s , sister’s, ex-wives) over the years. Call me what you want, just call me for supper. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/47 "2008-11-11T19:25:54Z")
I’ve been married four times, and I guess I’m old school. After the first divorce, I took back my maiden name. After the second divorce, I took back my maiden name. My third husband died, and I kept his name as it was my son’s name, too. I wasn’t happy in that marriage, and would have divorced him, too, if not for the illness. When I married my current (and final!) husband, I didn’t want to keep my late husband’s name any more. But man-o-man what a hassle to change it! The earlier times I hardly had anything to change! Just driver’s license and social security card. This time I owned a house, had several credit cards, phone service, cable, water, on and on and on… It was a pain, but I’m still proud to have his name. ---
**Author:** ![Neeps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a183cd/32.png) [@Neeps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neeps)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/48 "2008-11-11T19:37:22Z")
This is something I struggle with. When I was younger, I thought that I would \*never \*change my name when I got married. I mean, why would you? A bit silly really… When I did get married, I _still_ couldn’t get my head around the idea of changing my name. So I haven’t (2 years and counting). Frankly, it’s a big hassle to change it and it’s easier not to. Now that we are trying to have kids, I am really debating if it would make life a whole lot easier if we all had the same name. A family name. Mr and Mrs So and So. I am so torn. I have no idea why it is such a big deal to me, but I end up going round and round in circles about it with my husband. He is easy about it. He likes my last name (as do I - it is less common) and to be honest, if he changed his name to mine, his name would sound waaaaay better than if I changed my name to his. He likes this idea, but I think his family would have a real problem with it. So we dither. I guess kids might force the issue. I like the idea of us all having the same name. But I don’t want to be the one to change it. And I realise it is more unusual for the husband to change his (and this might be a little weird with his work). I have this feeling that won’t resolve this, and will just go on with the status quo indefinitely. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/49 "2008-11-11T19:39:57Z")
What is all this crap about “maiden name” being offensive? It’s quite literal: maiden, as in initial, name. The name you had first before it is changed. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/50 "2008-11-11T19:44:42Z")
> [@Rubystreak](#): > > What difference does that make? I was born with this name, regardless of whose it was before. I’d had this name for 35 years before I got married and I’m used to it. Yea, I’m not getting why people keep saying variations on “well you still have a man’s name anyway” about women who keep their last name. I don’t mind people doing what they want, but why is a girl’s name any less hers because it came from her father? If she’s old enough to get married, she’s been using it for at least a couple of decades. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/51 "2008-11-11T19:57:11Z")
My husband is actually the one who raised objections over me changing my name to his. He felt it was too patriarchal. We discussed it, and he agreed that me taking his name was preferable to me keeping my maiden name. My maiden name was actually the adopted name of my Mom’s 4th husband, a man whose legacy I did not care to bring with me into the future. I couldn’t change it back to my original maiden name, because that would be whole other legacy I’d like to avoid. In short, there was no suitable last name in my family that would be emotionally appropriate to maintain. My husband is happy with my new name, but he maintains that he would have put up a fight about it if it weren’t for my special circumstances. Anyway, I have my husband’s family name, and I love it. I think it has a wonderful ring to it, it’s unique, and it’s cultural, and it reminds me of him every time I hear it. Win all around. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/52 "2008-11-11T20:05:50Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > My husband is actually the one who raised objections over me changing my name to his. He felt it was too patriarchal. > > My husband is happy with my new name, but he maintains that he would have put up a fight about it if it weren’t for my special circumstances. See, I don’t understand this attitude either. What’s “patriarchal” about wanting to create a family unit around a single name? The kids, the dad and the mom all sporting the same last name to show a united front. What’s wrong with that? ---
**Author:** ![SaharaTea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SaharaTea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaharaTea)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/53 "2008-11-11T20:27:55Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > See, I don’t understand this attitude either. What’s “patriarchal” about wanting to create a family unit around a single name? The kids, the dad and the mom all sporting the same last name to show a united front. What’s wrong with that? Why do they need the same last name to show a “united front?” If I don’t have the same last name as my father, does that mean we are no longer united as family? Look, I don’t believe that choosing to take your husband’s name is patriarchal at all, _if that’s what you choose_. I won’t presume to tell others what’s best for them if they don’t presume to tell me what’s best for me. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/54 "2008-11-11T20:44:32Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > See, I don’t understand this attitude either. What’s “patriarchal” about wanting to create a family unit around a single name? The kids, the dad and the mom all sporting the same last name to show a united front. What’s wrong with that? Actually, taking your father’s or husband’s last name is “patrilineal.” (Nancy Nicholson was Robert Graves’ first wife; their two daughters took “Nicholson” as their last name.) Personally, I wouldn’t judge anybody for either changing their last name or not changing it. But the Spanish tradition does make a lot of sense. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/55 "2008-11-11T20:48:48Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > I kept my own name (even the term “maiden name” sets my teeth on edge) upon marriage and while I understand that I must be tolerant of others who make different choices, I personally cannot imagine what is going through women’s heads when they take a man’s name upon marriage. > > A woman taking a man’s last name harks back to the days when she was considered his property, just as slaves used to be given their master’s last name. My last name and my family ancestry actually serve to illustrate this point. IRL my last name is very common among African-Americans. I also have an ancestor who was one of the biggest slave owners in Virginia. No, it is not a coincidence. > > As to the argument that the OP’s friend expressed - that she was tired of telling people that the kids actually were hers - I have a question: if it was that important to you, why didn’t you give them YOUR last name? > > When my now-husband and I started talking marriage, I asked him whether he’d be upset when (not if) I kept my name. His answer: “Well, it is your name - you can choose to do whatever you want. But honestly, I cannot imagine myself falling in love with a woman who wouldn’t want to keep her own name.” Damn, I love that man. > > I also love what I once heard a guest on NPR say: “Why on earth would you change your name? You’re getting _married,_ not joining a witness protection program.” Yes, it’s mighty big of you to be “tolerant” of a choice that has absolutely no impact on you whatsoever. I married when I was 33, and had established a professional reputation under my maiden name. I thought long and hard about whether I should take my husband’s name. In the end I decided to, largely because I wanted my husband, myself, and our children to have the same name. To insinuate that taking your spouse’s name is akin to declaring yourself his property is ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/56 "2008-11-11T21:10:21Z")
We just pissed off everyone and both of us took a new “married” name, dropping our former last names. Neither of us is close at all to our families and neither of us liked our last names anyway. It made sense (and still does) - we were starting our own family unit rather than continuing anyone elses. ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/57 "2008-11-11T21:27:29Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > I kept my own name (even the term “maiden name” sets my teeth on edge) upon marriage and while I understand that I must be tolerant of others who make different choices, I personally cannot imagine what is going through women’s heads when they take a man’s name upon marriage. My wife took mine for practical reasons. Since her last name was very common (Johnson), my wife decided to take my last name (an unusual one). She’d gotten pretty tired of being confused with all the other L. Johnsons out there. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d26b3c/32.png) [@UncleBill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBill)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/58 "2008-11-11T21:34:15Z")
My last girlfriend before my wife had been married early and remained so for several years (a dozen?) before getting an amicable divorce. Once she was on her own and went to do something official, it showed she had never changed her own last name to his way back when they were married, and she was officially still her “maiden name”. Since her ex-husband’s last name was what she now identified with, and was known by, she actually went and had her last name changed to that of her ex-husband’s. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/59 "2008-11-11T21:40:24Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > See, I don’t understand this attitude either. What’s “patriarchal” about wanting to create a family unit around a single name? The kids, the dad and the mom all sporting the same last name to show a united front. What’s wrong with that? There’s nothing wrong with it, any more than there’s anything wrong with that single name being the one the woman was born with, or there being multiple names because anyone whose opinion matters already knows you’re a united group anyway. But if that one united-front name _has_ to be the one the man was born with…well that sounds fairly male-centric to me. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175/60 "2008-11-11T21:41:53Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > But if that one united-front name _has_ to be the one the man was born with…well that sounds fairly male-centric to me. But no one has suggested such a thing in this thread and you can practically smell the bile forming when some people in this thread talk about “the husband’s name.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/changing-maiden-name/472175.md?page=4)