# Characters from books you would like to beat the s\*#t out of them **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 8, 2013, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650 "2013-10-08T03:56:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Lafayette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/47e85d/32.png) [@Lafayette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lafayette)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/41 "2013-10-09T18:27:18Z")
Basically all of the characters from Patricia Cornwell’s Scarpetta series… I don’t think I have ever read of a more thoroughly unlikable crew. Top spot goes to niece Lucy, however. The series really started going off the rails when she became a prime character. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/42 "2013-10-09T18:40:10Z")
The Bird from Laura Hillenbrand’s _Unbroken_. Not a fictional character, although I’m not sure if that’s a prerequisite for the thread. For the shit he put Louis through, he deserves to live the rest of his life in agonizing misery. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/43 "2013-10-09T18:46:55Z")
Oh, if we can go non-fiction, then definitely sign me up for every major character in _Conspiracy of Fools_. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/44 "2013-10-09T21:18:02Z")
It’s easy to hate the villains, people should talk about non-villains. In the 90’s, I started the Nynaeve Hater’s club (nHc) on a Wheel of Time DikuMud. She is by far the most irritating character in the entire series. Elaine comes close to taking the crown by being Super Kidnap Girl but stops just before it becomes annoying. I hate everyone in twilight too. I was trying to summarize the story to a friend and i could feel my ears turning red in embarrassment: “So there’s this vampire that doesn’t drink blood and turns sparkly in the daylight. Sparkly? You know, like a rhinestone hairpin. Anyway, he falls in love with this girl because she smells really good. Why are you laughing? No, he doesn’t drink her blood, he only drinks blood from bears. What’s so funny? Then, there’s a werewolf boy who likes to take off his shirt…” ---
**Author:** ![Andy\_L](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c67d28/32.png) [@Andy\_L](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andy_L)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/45 "2013-10-09T21:22:26Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > The female villain from Pattern Recognition by William Gibson. Dorotea Benedetti. That bitch must die. Die in a fire! I hate you! DIE DIE DIE! She’s the one that deliberately triggered the main character’s phobias, just to win a corporate power struggle, right? She’s the worst… ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/46 "2013-10-09T23:07:10Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > I hate everyone in twilight too. I was trying to summarize the story to a friend and i could feel my ears turning red in embarrassment: > “So there’s this vampire that doesn’t drink blood and turns sparkly in the daylight. Sparkly? You know, like a rhinestone hairpin. Anyway, he falls in love with this girl because she smells really good. Why are you laughing? No, he doesn’t drink her blood, he only drinks blood from bears. What’s so funny? Then, there’s a werewolf boy who likes to take off his shirt…” Most stories sound ridiculous if you described the plot without a lot of context. _Twilight_ is unusual in that the more context you add, the more ridiculous it gets. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/47 "2013-10-10T01:02:33Z")
Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I like animals, but I’d cheerfully beat this seagull to death. By the sixth Harry Potter book I was sick of Ron, and would loved to have kicked his ass by the time he stormed off in book 7. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/48 "2013-10-10T01:13:40Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I like animals, but I’d cheerfully beat this seagull to death. The other seagulls did. He got better. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/49 "2013-10-10T02:05:14Z")
Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest has my vote right next to Annie Wilkes from Misery. ---
**Author:** ![Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulf_the_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/50 "2013-10-10T02:24:05Z")
> [@Lafayette](#): > > Basically all of the characters from Patricia Cornwell’s Scarpetta series… I don’t think I have ever read of a more thoroughly unlikable crew. Top spot goes to niece Lucy, however. The series really started going off the rails when she became a prime character. I don’t know what exactly it is about Lucy, but you’re absolutely correct, and I am not by any means a violent person. Benton drives me nuts too. And Scarpetta herself can be annoying as all get out. But Lucy is the one who really, REALLY sets my teeth on edge. ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/51 "2013-10-10T10:25:14Z")
> [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](#): > > Not exactly beat with a baseball bat, but slap upside the face and get her to come to her senses: V.I. Warshawski from Sara Paretsky’s detective series. The first few books were really good, but she never seems to learn and keeps making stupid decisions, based on sheer arrogance and ruthless disregard for the opinions of her friends, that get her in trouble. “Wake up and learn from your mistakes!” ::: slap, slap ::: Men should not inflict physical violence on women, but sometimes, oh the temptation… I feel very hostile to Sue Grafton’s Kinsey Millhone (sp.?), for the opposite reason. Kinsey is so bloody smug and pleased with herself and convinced that she’s perfect in all ways – I struggled through a couple of the “Alphabet Mysteries”, and then could stand no more of the self-satisfied biddy, and renounced the series. I like V.I. a great deal better, just because – largely owing to her stubbornness and penchant for bad decisions – her life is pretty much of a disaster. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/52 "2013-10-10T10:28:06Z")
Theon Greyjoy. Until Martin went medieval on his ass, and now I just feel sorry for him again. ---
**Author:** ![AnthonyElite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@AnthonyElite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnthonyElite)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/53 "2013-10-10T13:06:17Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Theon Greyjoy. Until Martin went medieval on his ass, and now I just feel sorry for him again. It’s funny, I ALMOST posted Theon too, but…man…or rather…no longer a man :eek: ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/54 "2013-10-10T23:39:38Z")
Ashley Wilkes, for me. All through the book, GWTW, he just wants to service Scarlett, and, per Rhett, doesn’t have the gumption to do it, but, keeps toying with her. He talks to Scarlett about how miserable Rhett is, and that he \*defiles \*her (her own husband, mind you!). Then, he has the balls to prate on about his love of ‘honor’. Bitch. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/55 "2013-10-11T00:39:49Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > I would also like to vote for the entire cast of WoT. I can’t remember a single character that I liked. Agreed. I’ll also throw in everyone in the Belgariad except, I think, a guy they pulled out of the water onto the deck of the ship. He is my favorite character in the series, by virtue of having not lived long enough to annoy me. ---
**Author:** ![Boulter\_s\_Canary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Boulter\_s\_Canary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boulter_s_Canary)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/56 "2013-10-11T00:53:14Z")
> [@bump](#): > > Beyond that, he was a dick on top of it. > > I remember reading the book in high school and thinking that if he went to our school, that I’d beat him senseless. And I wasn’t a bully or much of a fighter at all. Another vote for Holden Caulfield here. Whiny little shit needs a good kicking. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/57 "2013-10-11T01:13:42Z")
I’ve seen a bunch of characters that I’d agree need to suffer a serious smackdown, but thus far I haven’t seen two that are either at or near the top of my own personal list: Hector Sambianco from the _Unincorporated_ series by the Kollin brothers. Zhaspahr Clyntahn from the _Safehold_ series by David Weber. ---
**Author:** ![agnesnitt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d78d45/32.png) [@agnesnitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/agnesnitt)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2013, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/58 "2013-10-12T01:38:22Z")
i wish no ill will to any real human person. But every woman in every novel who stands around waiting for some man to come rescue her (even metaphorically) deserves to have her butt kicked. And I don’t care if it’s a classic novel either (I’m looking at you _Anna Karenina_) ---
**Author:** ![HenryDorsettCase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f19dbf/32.png) [@HenryDorsettCase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HenryDorsettCase)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/59 "2013-10-21T21:40:53Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > The female villain from Pattern Recognition by William Gibson. Dorotea Benedetti. That bitch must die. Die in a fire! I hate you! Never thought about savaging a character but she is one who deserves to be bastinado’d, racked, hung, and D&Q’d. Staying with Gibson, how about Julie Dean from ‘Neuromancer’? ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650/60 "2013-10-21T21:52:59Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > Am I the only person who wants to beat up people from books? Nope. I have what I sometimes call the Balrog Threshold. At a certain point I stop caring about the plot or consistency and just want to unleash a Balrog on the character. Just have a flaming monster crash through the wall and go after them with a fire whip. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/characters-from-books-you-would-like-to-beat-the-s-t-out-of-them/670650.md?page=4)