# Charlton Heston has Alzheimer's! Joe Eszterhas has Cancer! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 9, 2002, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charlton-heston-has-alzheimers-joe-eszterhas-has-cancer/123190 "2002-08-09T19:57:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 5\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charlton-heston-has-alzheimers-joe-eszterhas-has-cancer/123190/21 "2002-08-12T01:18:13Z")
> [@](#): > > I am admitting this only because I have made a deal with God. \*\* Archangel: “God, it’s Joe Eszterhas on line one. He says he’ll change a few minor details in his next screenplay if you’ll miraculously intervene in his cancer.” God: (shakes his head, goes back to scanning the trade papers) Archangel “I’m sorry, Mr. Eszterhas, God is in a meeting right now and will have to call you back later. I don’t know. Later.” ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charlton-heston-has-alzheimers-joe-eszterhas-has-cancer/123190/22 "2002-08-12T07:17:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > I am admitting this only because I have made a deal with God. Spare me, I said, and I will try to stop others from committing the same crimes I did . . . My hands are bloody; so are Hollywood’s. My cancer has caused me to attempt to cleanse mine." > > \*\* I’m not even religious and I can see the fundamental flaw here. Since when does one make a deal with God? If he screwed up, it’s penance time, no rewards from God. Get with the program, Joe, whether God spares you or not, if you did the crime you gotta make amends. Jeepers. ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2002, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charlton-heston-has-alzheimers-joe-eszterhas-has-cancer/123190/23 "2002-08-13T22:30:18Z")
Ok, I know that old Chuck has rubbed an awful lot of people the wrong way, but I read the text of his memo, and I was really touched. I understand from some friends that he is a really nice, gracious, down-to-earth guy, and I feel terribly for his family. Did you know that he autographed every copy of that memo? I guess he thought a mass-mailing would seem cheap or shallow. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2002, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charlton-heston-has-alzheimers-joe-eszterhas-has-cancer/123190/24 "2002-08-16T14:03:58Z")
Ronald Reagan: Does he or doesn’t he? Only his hairdresser knows for sure. Charlton Heston: Obvious toupe’ Abigail Van Buren: Years of Aqua Net sprayed on her noggin. Let this be a lesson to us all: Keep hair dye, toup’ glue, and hair sprays containg Volatile Organic Compounds away from your head lest you get Alzheimer’s. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2002, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charlton-heston-has-alzheimers-joe-eszterhas-has-cancer/123190/25 "2002-08-16T15:06:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\*Ronald Reagan: Does he or doesn’t he? Only his hairdresser knows for sure. > > Charlton Heston: Obvious toupe’ > > Abigail Van Buren: Years of Aqua Net sprayed on her noggin. > > Let this be a lesson to us all: Keep hair dye, toup’ glue, and hair sprays containg Volatile Organic Compounds away from your head lest you get Alzheimer’s. \*\* Which, of course, if your theory’s correct, we should be expecting some interesting performances from Shatner in the next couple of years. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charlton-heston-has-alzheimers-joe-eszterhas-has-cancer/123190.md?page=1)