# Charmin Ultra, You Suck!!!
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [July 7, 2004, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907 "2004-07-07T02:45:51Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/1 "2004-07-07T02:45:51Z")
I ran out of toilet paper this morning, and since I was working I sent one of my sons to get some. I’m not particularly brand loyal, so as long at it removes, err, serves its intended purposes without scaring, I normally couldn’t care less. So I said ‘just get enough to last the week’ without further clarification; I shop on Saturdays. He came back with a 12-pack of Charmin _Ultra_, which is way more than enough to last the week, but other than that I thought nothing further of it.
Well I just got finished taking a shit, so let me tell you about the shit that is Charmin _Ultra_. First complaint, it’s perfumed. For some this might not be a problem, I’m however married to Martha Stewart. This means not only is my bathroom decorated with frilliness and flowers, everyday my wife fills one of those little things with potpourri or something, and it clashed horribly with the freaking paper.
While sitting there and getting light headed, I realize that I’m done and grab a handful of paper, and my second complaint. The paper felt like wiping my ass with a cotton ball. Just whose asshole is so sensitive that they need to wipe it with feathers and a gentle breeze? I’m no Studly McManly who wipes my ass with tree bark, but this paper doesn’t even give me the feeling that I’ve wiped my ass. So of course I grab another handful, hmm, still feels not quite clean. I’m not in the habit of looking at something I’ve just wiped my ass with, so I go for a third handful.
With that third pull comes strike three; the roll is now empty. What! The! Fuck! This roll could have only been placed here at around ten this morning; it’s now only six-thirty. My first thought is that somebody has the trots or maybe a cold. Since my office is opposite the bathroom, and I know nobodies been running back and forth, I dismiss that theory out of hand. So I go to the linen closet and look at the packaging. Guess what: there are only 136 sheets per roll, vs. the normal 600. You sons of bitches, not only do I get to wipe my ass with a fragrant cotton ball, but you’re going charge me more for the privilege of a having a fragrant, not so clean feeling ass! Not. Gonna. Happen. Charmin is now officially on my shit list.
P.S. What the fuck is up with that stylized “Ultra”, and why the fuck is everybody coming out with these lame as excuses to charge you more for less, by placing some lame assed adjective in front of or behind the brand name. Some Marketing guys needs their asses kicked.
P.P.S. It probably won’t last the week either and my as still doesn’t feel clean, I’d dump the shit down the toilet but well….
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### Author:  [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/2 "2004-07-07T02:48:45Z")
you wiped 3 times, used up the roll.
I assume you had a clogging problem then.
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### Author:  [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/3 "2004-07-07T02:56:38Z")
> [@vanilla](#):
>
> you wiped 3 times, used up the roll.
> I assume you had a clogging problem then.
No, it was the shared bathroom, it’s been in use, but not enough to account for a whole roll. Or rather a normal roll anyway.
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### Author:  [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/4 "2004-07-07T02:58:14Z")
Maybe people like the fluffy softness so much that they’re wiping their asses much more than necessary.
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### Author:  [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/5 "2004-07-07T03:47:27Z")
I love the scented charmin, which used to just be called charmin, then there was unscented, and I’ve never been able to find the scented at the stores in my area. Now I know what it’s called WOOOO HOOO. Thanks.
Plus, I LOOOVE the soft stuff. I haven’t ever used more of it than any other kind, but, ummmm errr…Haven’t you noticed that girls use MORE tissue in the bathroom than guys?
And I trust I needn’t get graphic about the physical reasons for this? You mean to tell me you never noticed that your wife tended to use quite a bit more TP than you do?
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### Author:  [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/6 "2004-07-07T04:16:22Z")
I have to go with **Stuffy** in that I really don’t like that super-soft-ultra-thick toilet paper. I found it tended to clog the toilet, too, but the reason I really don’t like it is that it’s _so_ soft, when I wipe up, it tends to leave little toilet paper…rollies…stuck in my crevices. And that totally grosses me out. I stick with the cheap stuff, 'cause it doesn’t seem to have a tendency for that.
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### Author:  [@Gorsnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorsnak)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/7 "2004-07-07T04:25:26Z")
I didn’t know there was scented Charmin Ultra, and I never buy anything _but_ Charmin Ultra. I have ulcerative colitis, and let me tell you, when you sit down on the toilet for the 6th time in 2 hours leaving behind a bloody mess, there’s no such thing as too soft and too thick.
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### Author:  [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/8 "2004-07-07T05:06:14Z")
_Originally posted by_ **Amazon Floozy Goddess**
> [@](#):
>
> when I wipe up, it tends to leave little toilet paper…rollies…stuck in my crevices. And that totally grosses me out. I stick with the cheap stuff, 'cause it doesn’t seem to have a tendency for that.
Is that what that is? Anyhoo, also this…
_Originally posted by_ **Gorsnak**
> [@](#):
>
> I have ulcerative colitis, and let me tell you, when you sit down on the toilet for the 6th time in 2 hours leaving behind a bloody mess, there’s no such thing as too soft and too thick.
I appreciate your support and non-support, now would a passing Mod please insert TMI into the title, Thanks. 😃
**CanvasShoes** The package does not say scented, but… and I checked, I can smelll it just the same, and I smoke, so I’m not imagining it FWIW.
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### Author:  [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/9 "2004-07-07T06:31:46Z")
Stuffy, Cotonelle with ripples. You can thank me later.
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### Author:  [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/10 "2004-07-07T06:43:00Z")
Hate the multi-ply, fluffy, too-soft toilet paper.
We use plain old Scott’s in this house, and i love it.
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### Author:  [@Cerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerri)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/11 "2004-07-07T07:33:38Z")
I actually don’t use toilet paper at all anymore, I use flushable baby wipes.
NOTHIN gets you clean and fresh like baby wipes.
No little bits that stick to you either, ladies, and there’s nothing better for gettin all the bloodtraces of that time of the month, either, so no “streaking”!
(It’s a habit I picked up as a dancer, pretty much all the girls use them instead of TP…if there’s one profession you don’t want to go around with a stinky butt at, that’s the one. _grin_)
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### Author:  [@Daisy\_Mae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daisy_Mae)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/12 "2004-07-07T07:34:29Z")
> [@Liberal](#):
>
> Stuffy, Cotonelle with ripples. You can thank me later.
I’ll second that. Get some, be happy.
Scented toilet paper or toilet paper with dyes aren’t really good for you. If your naughty bits & bum aren’t feeling fresh, get those personal wipes and forgo the scented TP.
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### Author:  [@Chotii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chotii)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/13 "2004-07-07T07:43:34Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#):
>
> Plus, I LOOOVE the soft stuff. I haven’t ever used more of it than any other kind, but, ummmm errr…Haven’t you noticed that girls use MORE tissue in the bathroom than guys?
>
> And I trust I needn’t get graphic about the physical reasons for this? You mean to tell me you never noticed that your wife tended to use quite a bit more TP than you do?
I actually knew a couple (well, they were dating, not married, thank god for that) who had a fight about how she used too much toilet paper. He got all bent out of shape because she used lots of toilet paper! Imagine that! See, after _he_ went, he would take a couple of squares, fold them up, dab dab, and he was done. But she was WASTEFUL and this was BAD.
I’m sorry. I still laugh at him for that idiocy. I hope he reads this, actually. Of all the things to get uberfrugal about.
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### Author:  [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/14 "2004-07-07T08:07:27Z")
It’s a shame they can’t make toilet paper that really _does_ genuinely _suck_; I imagine it would work quite well.
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### Author:  [@Sisyphus\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sisyphus_Stone)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 9:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/15 "2004-07-07T09:58:33Z")
You’re pitting TP because it’s too soft and it’s scented?
Maybe Western society deserves fast food, interstate highways and SUVs.
Mate, come share my local tabloid newspaper as the bung-wipe of choice. Bloody 'ell, the difference in reading content pre- and post-wipe makes for a daily surrealism experience that is certain to turn you off vegemite for ever.
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### Author:  [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/16 "2004-07-07T12:40:34Z")
> [@mhendo](#):
>
> Hate the multi-ply, fluffy, too-soft toilet paper.
>
> We use plain old Scott’s in this house, and i love it.
Right. Fucking. On.
White Scott’s. 1000 sheets lasts longer, isn’t scented, is verrrry soft, and doesn’t wreak havoc on my septic system.
Anything else is actually rather off-putting, job-wise.
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### Author:  [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/17 "2004-07-07T13:04:02Z")
136 sheets per roll? What a rip off!
I’m wondering- when I saw they had scented TP out, I checked- I think it’s scented on the roll, not on the paper, for those who have issues with putting fragranced paper on their parts.
Oh, and my hearty endorsement for the paper with ripples and aloe. Ahhhh…lovely.
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### Author:  [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/18 "2004-07-07T13:13:12Z")
You Scotts people are clearly suffering from a disorder that causes you to lose all sensation in your asses. You should look into that…
I second the Cottonelle with ripples. Good stuff, that.
As to the O.P. Charmin sucks. As one Doper once put it, using Charmin is like wiping your nether regions with a blanket.
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### Author:  [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/19 "2004-07-07T13:26:40Z")
> [@UrbanChic](#):
>
> You Scotts people are clearly suffering from a disorder that causes you to lose all sensation in your asses. You should look into that…
Actually, I think it was the Marcal TP that caused this problem for me, in comparison, Scotts is like wiping with a cloud.
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### Author:  [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2004, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/20 "2004-07-07T13:34:08Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#):
>
> Haven’t you noticed that girls use MORE tissue in the bathroom than guys?
>
> And I trust I needn’t get graphic about the physical reasons for this? You mean to tell me you never noticed that your wife tended to use quite a bit more TP than you do?
Alright, **CanvasShoes** , I’m calling you out. Since I don’t spend much time actually witnessing women do their business, I will admit my ignorance and allow you to fight it. Why the fuck do women need so much toilet paper? Get as graphic as you need to, please.
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