# Charmin Ultra, You Suck!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 7, 2004, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907 "2004-07-07T02:45:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/41 "2004-07-07T17:06:36Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > You want graphic? Put your lunch down before you read this… > > Let’s consider periods for a sec. Happens once every 28 days, generally lasts about 5 to 7 days during that time. A good amount of guys probably don’t know that a a period is actually the uterus shedding its lining (which would be used to sustain a baby if she were pregnant; thus, not pregnant, don’t need it). > > So, you sit down to take a piss, and not only piss comes out, but a gout of slimy blood and clots that look like little chicken livers. Because of a woman’s anatomy, it also tends to trickle down her ass crack, leaving not only a bloody coochie but a bloody ass as well. And also, between the times that she goes to the washroom, the blood that collects in her sanitary pad also gets matted into her pubic hair. Gotta get that out too. > > As well, the cramps that go along with periods can also induce diarrhea. So here you are stuck with bloody, pissy, slimy, caked-haired, shitty genitals and ass. > > Wouldn’t _you_ use a lot of toilet paper, too? :eek: :runs away screaming: ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/42 "2004-07-07T17:11:48Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > So, you sit down to take a piss, and not only piss comes out, but a gout of slimy blood and clots that look like little chicken livers. I’m glad you told me to put my lunch down. 'Cause now I’m hungry for chicken livers. Yum! 😃 (Seriously, if that’s an accurate description, consider seeing a doctor. Happened to my girlfriend, and one removed uterus later, she’s healthy as a horse.) ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/43 "2004-07-07T17:16:25Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > When was the last time you purchased some? It’s WAAAAAAYYY softer than Charmin. Positively comfy! It is the softest paper out there, as far as I’m concerned. My in-laws use Scotts, so I know of what I speak. Soft? Maybe once the calluses start forming, one could consider Scott’s ‘soft’. ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/44 "2004-07-07T17:22:39Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > I hate it when the roll’s empty and you have to use the cat. The cat ain’t too happy about it, either. Goldfish don’t seem to mind, though. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/45 "2004-07-07T17:30:39Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > It was bad. Even the kids complained. After a few months, Mr. Pundit finally put his foot down and demanded softer toilet paper, “the kind that doesn’t have twigs still embedded in it.” Scott tissue, like military issue TP, should be labelled (per truth in advertising) Another Fine Abrasive from 3M ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/46 "2004-07-07T17:33:08Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > Charmin Ultra, You Suck!!! Um, isn’t that what it’s _supposed_ to do? Okay, okay, technically it’s supposed to _absorb_. Close enough. ---
**Author:** ![Phedre\_no\_Delaunay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/839c29/32.png) [@Phedre\_no\_Delaunay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phedre_no_Delaunay)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/47 "2004-07-07T17:36:33Z")
We use Charmin Ultra in our house, and our isn’t scented at all. I didn’t even know they made scented version! What color is the label? I love Charmin Ultra. You only have to use a tiny fraction of the amount you’d use with other TPs. At the risk of way TMI, I can get by with about ten sheets total after a complete evacuation. On the other hand, I don’t really like regular Charmin. No matter how thick I’ve made my stack, it seems to rip at awkward moments. Ick. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/48 "2004-07-07T17:41:57Z")
Well, why you people are getting a different softness reading than I am is beyond me. I think the texture in toilet paper (and the fact that it’s kind of fuzzy) are definitely softness killers. The smoothness of the Scott’s tissue is part of the softness factor. And, Amazon…I’ve never had a period like that either. I’d definitely check in with a doctor to find out what the heck is going on there. It sounds positively hideous. More like a slasher movie than a monthly cycle. I feel for ya, sistah. ---
**Author:** ![Bean\_Counter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/db5fbb/32.png) [@Bean\_Counter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bean_Counter)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/49 "2004-07-07T17:56:43Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > Charmin is now officially on my shit list. Isn’t that the whole point of Charmin’s marketing campaign? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/50 "2004-07-07T18:00:03Z")
> [@Sauron](#): > > The cat ain’t too happy about it, either. I think the first sweep just kinda caught him by surprise. But when I folded him over and went back for seconds… Plus, man, want to talk about coughing up an objectionable hairball. ---
**Author:** ![Daisy\_Mae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/46a35a/32.png) [@Daisy\_Mae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daisy_Mae)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/51 "2004-07-07T18:20:31Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > And, Amazon…I’ve never had a period like that either. I’d definitely check in with a doctor to find out what the heck is going on there. It sounds positively hideous. More like a slasher movie than a monthly cycle. I feel for ya, sistah. Agreed. Yikes. ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/52 "2004-07-07T18:31:15Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > I think the first sweep just kinda caught him by surprise. But when I folded him over and went back for seconds… > Plus, man, want to talk about coughing up an objectionable hairball. See, this is why I keep the gerbil’s cage in the bathroom. Of course, the neighbors insist on making asinine Richard Gere comments. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/53 "2004-07-07T18:33:46Z")
> [@Indygrrl](#): > > Don’t worry, dude. It ain’t like that for all of us. 😃 > > I’ve never experienced anything that disgusting and I’m s 30-year-old female. I just use a tampon. Then I pull it out and flush it. A simple wipe usually does the trick for any excess. No need for any big production. > > My bf and I often have sex during “that time of the month,” and I wouldn’t be able to do that if it was what Amazon described. Sorry about your luck, gal. Sorry, obviously there are a lot more of us than you think - otherwise there wouldn’t be such a market for supersize tampons that will collect 16 grams of fluid. I use tampon and pad, as I can blow through a super size tampon in 1 hour. If I am having a particularly bad month my clots can be the size of a hens egg. =\ Ind I know for a fact at least 5 other friends of mine are pretty much the same. I have about 20 female friends close enough to discuss plumbing problems with=\ I would love for it to be light enough to get a piece during…not becauase i want to get a piece, but because I would save serious amounts of money on sanitairy supplies=\ ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/54 "2004-07-07T18:46:48Z")
You people are all sissies. Back in the day we used 100 grit sandpaper…and we _liked_ it! Seriously, one of the largest theft items in American embassies in eastern Europe was the TP. The local stuff had the consistency and elasticity of crepe paper. We used to carry our own rolls with us when travelling there on business, and more often than not it was stolen by hotel staff. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/55 "2004-07-07T19:09:13Z")
Same with Peru. No TP in the airports, shops, government buildings, hostels, etc. Even most of the nice restaurants didn’t provide any. After a couple of days you learned to grab a couple of dinner rolls before going to the bathroom. ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/56 "2004-07-07T19:19:11Z")
Well, I never had a whole lotta periods like the one I described. They were hella bad when I was around 14-16. Cramps so painful I couldn’t get out of bed sometimes on the first day of my cycle. But, the raging teenage hormones calmed down, I went on the Pill and…It’s better now. 🙂 And I kinda did make the descrption a tad more colourful, so guys will better understand girls & toilet paper usage… ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/57 "2004-07-07T19:30:56Z")
> [@](#): > > No TP in the airports, shops, government buildings, hostels, etc. Even most of the nice restaurants didn’t provide any. Wait a minute. Do you mean no _cushy_ toilet paper or, literally, nothing at all with which to wipe? ---
**Author:** ![Yamirskoonir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/c0e974/32.png) [@Yamirskoonir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yamirskoonir)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/58 "2004-07-07T19:48:55Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Wait a minute. Do you mean no cushy toilet paper or, literally, nothing at all with which to wipe? Hell, I remember the public restrooms right next to the Vatican from my trip to Rome in '98 - there were no _toilets_, let alone paper with which to wipe. Just big, scary, dark holes in the tile floor, over which one would presumably hover (and aim!). :eek: Also no doors on the stalls…needless to say, I held it for the six hours we were there. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/59 "2004-07-07T19:49:25Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > Same with Peru. No TP in the airports, shops, government buildings, hostels, etc. Even most of the nice restaurants didn’t provide any. After a couple of days you learned to grab a couple of dinner rolls before going to the bathroom. Suddenly, the Atkins diet is looking really good to me now. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/60 "2004-07-07T19:50:13Z")
Most provided nothing at all with which to wipe. That apparently best fit the theme of “Let’s remove the toilet seat so everyone can go bowling.” A basket was provided for you to toss your used paper into since the plumbing was too feeble to actually flush it down. That is, of course, provided you did in fact bring your own paper. Peru: Come for the ruins, stay for the cholera. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907.md?page=4)